I will no longer be updating this blog, I have officially moved to wordpress, I really hope you all continue to follow me, I hope my new blog will be a lot more interesting, there seems to be more that you can do with wordpress.
Thank you all for your support and I look forward to keeping on contact with you all :)
http://iamfightingawarminejusthappenstobewithlife.wordpress.com/
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Sunday, 10 July 2011
I have moved to wordpress :)
So I have moved to wordpress, I have done this for a number of reasons
~blogger keeps going off line all the time
~loads of people have problems with blogger letting them comment on my blog
~Charlotte did it and she is super cool so decided to copy her
~wordpress seems a lot more advanced.
http://iamfightingawarminejusthappenstobewithlife.wordpress.com/
~blogger keeps going off line all the time
~loads of people have problems with blogger letting them comment on my blog
~Charlotte did it and she is super cool so decided to copy her
~wordpress seems a lot more advanced.
http://iamfightingawarminejusthappenstobewithlife.wordpress.com/
Friday, 8 July 2011
I am officially sane
Well its official, I have been discharged from the CMHT, does that mean I am sane? Am I now normal? can I walk amongst the normal people and fit in? oooh the excitement.
My discharge CPA was a waste of time, we ran through the fact that it is up to me now to put all I have learnt into practice, they have recommended that I apply to a charity that provides support for people with mental health problems in the community, they can help you with social, vocational and work things. So I am going to give that a go, maybe it would help to provide a bit more structure to my days.
I was sad to leave my psychologist, we have been seeing each other for 3 1/2 years, she knows intimate details of my life, things that I had never trusted with anyone and probably never will. She says we can keep in contact by email. She sent me this earlier.
So I guess it is up to me now, time to sort myself out, stop blaming everyone else for my mistakes and issues, take responsibilities for my actions.
At the moment my biggest struggle is an obsession I have developed with the idea of stabbing myself in the stomach, it is constantly rushing around my head, every time I see a knife I have to argue with myself and force myself not to pick it up and force it deep into my stomach. I am used to having these weird obsessions, but this one is particularly disturbing as I so want to do it, just to feel it, how screwed am I?
So what is the plan when sorry if things go tits up? Well back to my GP, he can refer me back to the CMHT, I will bypass the waiting list as I am known to be a risk. If it is immediate help I need if I am in a deep crisis then my GP can refer me direct to the Crisis Team. But hey, I am better now, so who gives a fuck.
My discharge CPA was a waste of time, we ran through the fact that it is up to me now to put all I have learnt into practice, they have recommended that I apply to a charity that provides support for people with mental health problems in the community, they can help you with social, vocational and work things. So I am going to give that a go, maybe it would help to provide a bit more structure to my days.
I was sad to leave my psychologist, we have been seeing each other for 3 1/2 years, she knows intimate details of my life, things that I had never trusted with anyone and probably never will. She says we can keep in contact by email. She sent me this earlier.
Hi Amy, Thank you so so much for your lovely card and present, they are
so lovely and your words meant so much to me. I really do hope you put everything you know in to practise and show yourself some of the love and compassion you have for everyone else. Also, believe in yourself, like I believe in you....I would so love to hear that you are doing well. Take care Amy and remember I'm not going anywhere!! With love, Julie
So I guess it is up to me now, time to sort myself out, stop blaming everyone else for my mistakes and issues, take responsibilities for my actions.
At the moment my biggest struggle is an obsession I have developed with the idea of stabbing myself in the stomach, it is constantly rushing around my head, every time I see a knife I have to argue with myself and force myself not to pick it up and force it deep into my stomach. I am used to having these weird obsessions, but this one is particularly disturbing as I so want to do it, just to feel it, how screwed am I?
So what is the plan when sorry if things go tits up? Well back to my GP, he can refer me back to the CMHT, I will bypass the waiting list as I am known to be a risk. If it is immediate help I need if I am in a deep crisis then my GP can refer me direct to the Crisis Team. But hey, I am better now, so who gives a fuck.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Depression waits for no man
I am in crisis, I think I have been awake for a total of 3 hours today, mainly due to the extreme consumption of diazepam and the increase in quetiapine. I just needed to not exist today, sleep was the only option.
I am going to have to confess to the doctor that since being allowed my prescription of diazepam back on Monday I have munched my way through the entire 28 pack at 5mg each. What do you think the chances are of me being allowed more?
My thoughts of suicide are constant, even in my sleep I have no break from it, will I commit suicide? No is the answer to that, well at the moment any ways.
For now I will have to settle with shredding my arms, purging and sleeping.
Sorry to all of my beloved friends on twitter for being anti social, as always that is how I deal with things.
Love you all.
I am going to have to confess to the doctor that since being allowed my prescription of diazepam back on Monday I have munched my way through the entire 28 pack at 5mg each. What do you think the chances are of me being allowed more?
My thoughts of suicide are constant, even in my sleep I have no break from it, will I commit suicide? No is the answer to that, well at the moment any ways.
For now I will have to settle with shredding my arms, purging and sleeping.
Sorry to all of my beloved friends on twitter for being anti social, as always that is how I deal with things.
Love you all.
Monday, 4 July 2011
Psychiatrist was interesting
I had my appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon, it was the last appointment with him before my discharge CPA on Friday. We discussed the usual, my mood, my sleep, my self harm, oddly enough he never mentioned my eating, maybe I look to chubby now for that to be worth discussing.
My quetiapine has been increased, not that frilled about that, but hey ho, I found it rather entertaining when he came out and said "we wont fiddle around with any of your other medications seeing as you are leaving us at the end of the week, but when things get bad we can re look at it again". So basically he is saying that he fully expects that I will be back under the mental health services soon.
I challenged my diagnosis, I had been planning to do this for days, so I politely said that I wanted to discuss my diagnosis with him as I didn't feel it fits. He asked why I thought that and I explained that I had researched it a lot and just didn't see how I met most of the criteria. His response was that I shouldn't be concerning myself with things like my diagnosis, that it wasn't really all that important and that I need to be thinking about my future now. What a joke, if I had a diagnosis of MS or parkinsons disease I would be encouraged to challenge it, discuss it, talk about how I fit into it, but no because I want to challenge my mental health diagnosis I am just dismissed. I have decided I am going to bring it up again at my discharge CPA seeing as there will be 3 mental health professionals there plus my sister. It wont hurt to bring it up again and try and get my point across a bit better.
I am very aware that I am over sleeping at the moment, it is a coping mechanism I often revert back to. It just feels like the best way to get through the day, snooze for a few hours, then live life for a few hours, then snooze for a few hours, so on and so on. Having my diazepam back makes this all the easier, I am going to have to break this cycle before it takes over again.
My yearly obsession about my birthday is starting to creep in again. My birthday is in the middle of August, for the last few years it has filled me with dread, this is because every year I become completely obsessed that I need to commit suicide on my birthday. It started about 4 years ago when I was extremely suicidal and the voice driving this in my mind convinced me that doing it on my birthday was the best thing all round. It would meant that then people would only have to think about me once a year, normally when someone dies we grieve for them on the day they died and their birthday, so my mind told me that I should die on my birthday to save people the trouble. Ever since it has been a huge obsession and every year as my birthday approaches it starts to niggle in the back of my mind, as the date of my birthday draws closer it gets stronger and stronger. My psychologist says that I am being 'dramatic' when I talk to her about this, so I have stopped mentioning it now.
Tomorrow I have to go over and scrub my old flat clean, I have to confess I am not really in the mood, but it needs doing. It is horrible every time I go over there as it is not my home anymore, this is my home. I cannot wait to hand back those keys and never have to set foot in that place again!!!
My quetiapine has been increased, not that frilled about that, but hey ho, I found it rather entertaining when he came out and said "we wont fiddle around with any of your other medications seeing as you are leaving us at the end of the week, but when things get bad we can re look at it again". So basically he is saying that he fully expects that I will be back under the mental health services soon.
I challenged my diagnosis, I had been planning to do this for days, so I politely said that I wanted to discuss my diagnosis with him as I didn't feel it fits. He asked why I thought that and I explained that I had researched it a lot and just didn't see how I met most of the criteria. His response was that I shouldn't be concerning myself with things like my diagnosis, that it wasn't really all that important and that I need to be thinking about my future now. What a joke, if I had a diagnosis of MS or parkinsons disease I would be encouraged to challenge it, discuss it, talk about how I fit into it, but no because I want to challenge my mental health diagnosis I am just dismissed. I have decided I am going to bring it up again at my discharge CPA seeing as there will be 3 mental health professionals there plus my sister. It wont hurt to bring it up again and try and get my point across a bit better.
I am very aware that I am over sleeping at the moment, it is a coping mechanism I often revert back to. It just feels like the best way to get through the day, snooze for a few hours, then live life for a few hours, then snooze for a few hours, so on and so on. Having my diazepam back makes this all the easier, I am going to have to break this cycle before it takes over again.
My yearly obsession about my birthday is starting to creep in again. My birthday is in the middle of August, for the last few years it has filled me with dread, this is because every year I become completely obsessed that I need to commit suicide on my birthday. It started about 4 years ago when I was extremely suicidal and the voice driving this in my mind convinced me that doing it on my birthday was the best thing all round. It would meant that then people would only have to think about me once a year, normally when someone dies we grieve for them on the day they died and their birthday, so my mind told me that I should die on my birthday to save people the trouble. Ever since it has been a huge obsession and every year as my birthday approaches it starts to niggle in the back of my mind, as the date of my birthday draws closer it gets stronger and stronger. My psychologist says that I am being 'dramatic' when I talk to her about this, so I have stopped mentioning it now.
Tomorrow I have to go over and scrub my old flat clean, I have to confess I am not really in the mood, but it needs doing. It is horrible every time I go over there as it is not my home anymore, this is my home. I cannot wait to hand back those keys and never have to set foot in that place again!!!
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Life in my new flat
Every day my new flat feels more and more like home, when I first walked in I was very overwhelmed by its size and blankness, it really was an empty shell, I was scared as to how I was going to be able to make this my home. But as I sit here now I can honestly say this is my home. Obviously my old furniture and belongings help, but it feels like my home for other reasons, I feel safe here, I feel clean here, I feel I have permission to learn to be happy here. Most of all I feel proud here, at my old flat I was embarrassed, nobody wanted to visit somewhere that was infested with rats, when they did they would ask for their mugs to be washed in boiling water before they would accept a drink, I would have to apologise for the smell of the decaying rats under my floorboards, I was not allowed to drink tap water.
I now have a flat I can show off, people want to visit and having these visitors has made me realise actually how lonely I really was.
Friday was my last appointment with my psychologist, I have been seeing her for 3 1/2 years, we have had our ups and downs, but I can truly say I love her. I am very very sad and scared to be leaving her, I rely on her, in fact I depend on her. But now I guess I am going to have to learn to cope without her. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, I am going to challenge my official diagnosis in that appointment. I am going to ask him to go through all of the criteria and show me evidence that I fit into them. I am also going to ask for my medication to be reviewed. This is my last chance to do these things as on Friday the 8th of July I am being discharged from the CMHT, I have my discharge CPA with my psychiatrist, psychologist and some bloke who is the head of something or another, my GP can't be present as he is busy, my parents are on holiday, but my sister has agreed to come to support me.
I have to confess I am very scared about being discharged, I am scared of having no one to fall back on, I am scared that there will be no one there to just keep nudging me in the right direction. My psychologist said to me on Friday that she is not dropping off the face of the earth and that I can email her and maybe we could go for a coffee, but I am sure she was just being polite in saying that. I am sure she can't wait for me to no longer be her responsibly, she has said on a number of occasions that I have put her in very awkward positions and that she has gone away from appointments scared of whether she is going to get a phone call saying I have killed myself.
Now why am I being discharged I expect you are thinking, well it isn't because I am better, it isn't because I am now safe, it isn't because I am magically cured. My psychologist said that she is discharging someone who isn't well and isn't safe, but I am not wanting to get better, I am 'therapied out'.
Lets talk about my wonderful babies, Bob and Betty are settling in extremely well, I am proud of them, it took them a while to find there feet, but they are all over the place now, exploring every corner, cupboard, draw. Bob has required an emergency trip to the vets after developing blocked anal glands, he is doing better now after having them emptied and being given anti inflammatory and painkillers. He just needs monitoring now as the poor thing developed an abscess on his bottom the last time this happened. Ben the hamster is well Ben the hamster, not really much more I can say about him! We have Boris, a new addition to the collection, he is a syrian hamster, a lot more fun than Ben as you can interact a lot more with him. We also have my family dog Molly staying for a week whilst my parents are on holiday. She is the apple of my eye (other than Bob and Betty of course!) I love having Molly here, but I don't love having to walk her at 8am!
My GP gave me back my prescription of diazepam after it was taken away as I was 'abusing' it. I am actually going to make a YouTube video about that in the next few days. I am pleased to have it back, I am trying really hard to not repeat past mistakes with it.
Right I am off to take the dog out for a wee, then bath, PJ's and bed for me!
I am glad to be back in the land of twitter, blogger and YouTube :)
I now have a flat I can show off, people want to visit and having these visitors has made me realise actually how lonely I really was.
Friday was my last appointment with my psychologist, I have been seeing her for 3 1/2 years, we have had our ups and downs, but I can truly say I love her. I am very very sad and scared to be leaving her, I rely on her, in fact I depend on her. But now I guess I am going to have to learn to cope without her. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, I am going to challenge my official diagnosis in that appointment. I am going to ask him to go through all of the criteria and show me evidence that I fit into them. I am also going to ask for my medication to be reviewed. This is my last chance to do these things as on Friday the 8th of July I am being discharged from the CMHT, I have my discharge CPA with my psychiatrist, psychologist and some bloke who is the head of something or another, my GP can't be present as he is busy, my parents are on holiday, but my sister has agreed to come to support me.
I have to confess I am very scared about being discharged, I am scared of having no one to fall back on, I am scared that there will be no one there to just keep nudging me in the right direction. My psychologist said to me on Friday that she is not dropping off the face of the earth and that I can email her and maybe we could go for a coffee, but I am sure she was just being polite in saying that. I am sure she can't wait for me to no longer be her responsibly, she has said on a number of occasions that I have put her in very awkward positions and that she has gone away from appointments scared of whether she is going to get a phone call saying I have killed myself.
Now why am I being discharged I expect you are thinking, well it isn't because I am better, it isn't because I am now safe, it isn't because I am magically cured. My psychologist said that she is discharging someone who isn't well and isn't safe, but I am not wanting to get better, I am 'therapied out'.
Lets talk about my wonderful babies, Bob and Betty are settling in extremely well, I am proud of them, it took them a while to find there feet, but they are all over the place now, exploring every corner, cupboard, draw. Bob has required an emergency trip to the vets after developing blocked anal glands, he is doing better now after having them emptied and being given anti inflammatory and painkillers. He just needs monitoring now as the poor thing developed an abscess on his bottom the last time this happened. Ben the hamster is well Ben the hamster, not really much more I can say about him! We have Boris, a new addition to the collection, he is a syrian hamster, a lot more fun than Ben as you can interact a lot more with him. We also have my family dog Molly staying for a week whilst my parents are on holiday. She is the apple of my eye (other than Bob and Betty of course!) I love having Molly here, but I don't love having to walk her at 8am!
My GP gave me back my prescription of diazepam after it was taken away as I was 'abusing' it. I am actually going to make a YouTube video about that in the next few days. I am pleased to have it back, I am trying really hard to not repeat past mistakes with it.
Right I am off to take the dog out for a wee, then bath, PJ's and bed for me!
I am glad to be back in the land of twitter, blogger and YouTube :)
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