I tried so hard to be honest in my appointment with my psychologist today, but it never happens, I always end up trying to make out everything is fine, she isn't stupid, she knows me well, she knows I am lying, so why do I do it? I want her help, I need her help, the only way that could happen is if I am honest with her.
My periods stopped a few months ago, but I lie and tell her it is because of the contraceptive pill I am taking, but I stopped taking that months ago. When she tries to engage in any meaningful conversation about food I just flat out ignore her, we sit in silence, waiting until she moves on to the next question which I again ignore. She said to me today that she feels like it is my own little private secret that I do not want to share, which I guess is true. It is not because I do not want help, it is that I do not know how to let someone in, once I have done that, it is no longer mine.
I am struggling to keep my fluid intake up, as anything in my stomach feels heavy and foreign, I drink water and then have to fight the urge to purge it, it is water for goodness sake, but it gives me such a terrifying feeling, the feeling of being full.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Can always try again later, ... maybe trying harder, maybe not so hard.
ReplyDeleteSometimes things are easier when you *don't* try so hard.
Sometimes things change and what was hard becomes easy - or at least easier.
"Just" some thoughts on maybe stuff to try ...
with therapist ... maybe try opening the communication up some more. Even if you find you aren't able to tell her the truth about various things now, maybe try telling her you've been finding yourself unable to be truthful with her. Maybe without even specifically getting into specific thing(s) you weren't truthful to her on - maybe just talk about how you felt - and feel - what it is that's having you think/feel or otherwise causing to feel you aren't able to be truthful with her. Maybe try telling her you don't know how to let someone in. Between sessions - could maybe drop her a note or email ... maybe then a bit more to pick up on at a next session. Sometimes easier to get it out just at some particular times - maybe get it out then - and to her ... and follow-up on it when you can.
So what *is* that private secret that you don't want to share? Can you tell *anyone*? ... someone at least?
So, ... haven't been doing so well lately :-/ ... got anyone else helping you our or checking in on you? Crisis team, or anyone/anything else like that still doing some follow-through/follow-up? ... or is there a good way for you to get some more support services involved? Bob and Betty want you to get better and recover too.
I'm so touched by that ^^ :)
ReplyDeleteHe's right , and I know that just because you know what you should be doing does't make it any easier to actually do,
So i'm sending you all the strength I have in me,
xoxo