Binged

I am so angry at myself, I binged really badly today, I caved in to my mind and did what it has been wanting me to do for weeks. It started with a chocolate cornflake cake, as soon as I had given in to that I just thought sod it and ate a mars ice cream, two chocolate bars, and a bag of doritos. Now I no that isn't exactly the worlds biggest binge, but when you have been sticking to 200 calories a day, it just felt devastating. So of course, what comes after a binge? Purge.

As I was purging I felt so disgusted with my self, I had been so strong and then here I am, reduced to doing the thing I had hoped I had got away from. But nope, here I am leaning over the toilet.

I can't believe I let myself down so badly. I am a failure.

Last night I self harmed, this evening is my first evening without my babysitter. I want to proove to myself that I can cope on my own, so even though I feel like shit, I am determined not to self harm.

Maybe I can achieve that one thing today atleast.

Nearly binged

Today has been a struggle in more ways than one.

First of the the urge to binge has been unbearable today, it has felt like every where I have looked there has been so many things I have just wanted to eat. But I am pleased to say that I resisted, I stuck to my usual restriction of under 200 calories. I am going to say the same thing as I always say, I no it isn't good for my recovery, but I am too tired to think about that at the moment.

The urge to self harm has been unbearable today, I just cannot stop my mind racing about it. I think it is a good thing I still have my babysitter as I really think I could do a lot of damage to myself at the moment.

I think I am exhausted of trying so hard all of the time and never seeming to get anywhere. I wish someone else could borrow my body and mind, get it better for me and then give me back my fixed body and mind.

Please somebody make me better.