Funeral plans

Last night I spent ages writing my funeral plans, I wrote every thing, like what I wanted doing with all of my belongings, what music I want at my funeral etc. I feel so depressed, I really can't imagine being alive much longer, this is torture. I go to bed every night praying that I don't wake up the next morning. I am to much of a weak person to commit suicide, been there, tried that and failed, so I just have to hope something happens to me instead. I just hope it happens to me soon.

Tired of trying so hard

I feel so low, I am really struggling. I have tried so hard to keep everything together, but I can't. I physically don't no what to do any more.

A friend came around earlier to pick something up and I burst into tears on three occasions. I felt so pathetic, why am I crying?

I am still angry at myself after yesterdays binge, so have stuck to 136 calories. At least that is one thing I can control.

I really wish someone could rescue me, please somebody, save me.

Not safe

Things are not going well at all, I was going to go and stay at my parents for a few days for my safety and to stop my family worrying, but in the end managed to negotiate, so instead one of my brothers in going to come stay with me. I think it is the best all round as I can be safer for a few days and my family don't need to worry.

I am still really struggling with food, not going above 200 calories, it terrifies me to even think of going over that amount.

Am hoping the crisis team will contact my psychologist tomorrow to arrange more support for me, as I cannot keep going the way I am.

Bob and Betty are being really sweet, I think they definitely pick up on when I am not well.