Panic over lunch

Today my Mum wanted me and her to spend the day together, the immediate panic that pops into my head is lunch. Spending the day together normally involves that dreadful word and the panic that ran through me was unbelievable.

How can I be so scared of something that is so normal to every one else. Luckily my Mum had lunch and I had a diet coke and my Mum didn't even question it this time.

I miss being able to enjoy things like lunch with friends and family, at the moment anything to do with food involves a series of lies and excuses. That is probably the thing I hate about ED's, the amount of lying that your life becomes.

I am still being babysat, although I have self harmed once, as I have been left on my own for a few hours today. But the pressure inside of me has been unbearable and I actually purposely made it so I would be alone so I could do it, which I am not proud of.

Still unable to go over 200 calories, since the 2nd of July I have lost 1 stone and 2 pounds. I no it is wrong, but it feels so right at the same time.

Not safe

Things are not going well at all, I was going to go and stay at my parents for a few days for my safety and to stop my family worrying, but in the end managed to negotiate, so instead one of my brothers in going to come stay with me. I think it is the best all round as I can be safer for a few days and my family don't need to worry.

I am still really struggling with food, not going above 200 calories, it terrifies me to even think of going over that amount.

Am hoping the crisis team will contact my psychologist tomorrow to arrange more support for me, as I cannot keep going the way I am.

Bob and Betty are being really sweet, I think they definitely pick up on when I am not well.