Mood lifting

Today I really feel like my mood is starting to lift slightly, it feels like a welcome relief after being so low for so long. I just hope my mood keeps going up.

It is my birthday tomorrow, I am on my own for it as my family are away, but birthdays don't really mean much to me these days.

This is the second day of not self harming, so am feeling pleased about that. I would love to say that things are different eating wise, but today has been 128 calories. The trouble is half of me knows it is wrong and I shouldn't be doing it, but the ED side of me is really pleased and happy I have been sticking to so low. I feel like there is a war going on in my brain, a devil and a angel, each telling me what to do. Which one will win, I do not no and I am scared to find out.

Good bye parents

Today my parents have gone on holiday for a week, so no more being babysat!

I assured them I will be fine, I don't want they on holiday worrying about me.

I wrote a no send letter today, a suggestion by my psychologist. It was a great release as I got to write everything that had built up anger wise about a certain person, I got to tell them exactly what they have done to me and how they hurt me, I got it all out, and then just ripped it up and put it in the bin. I would suggest it to anyone who has loads of pent up anger.

Really struggling ED wise, but what is new there!

I guess my mood has lifted slightly, which is nice, as I don't think it could have got much lower.

Another day of failure

Today has been another day of failure, binged and purged twice. I don't understand how I could have lost control so quickly. I feel so angry at myself for being so weak and useless.

Self harm has also been bad, I am really not coping well, but there is nothing I can really do, I am too tired to fight it at the moment.

You shouldn't have to fight to want to be alive, living is something that you should automatically want.

Useless

Just finished purging after a binge. I cannot believe I failed again. I am such a weak person.

Back from appointment

I have just got from an appointment with my psychologist, it was a very tearful one. I told her about my plan to die on my birthday, which is on Sunday the 15th of August. The reason I have picked that day is because it will mean that my family will have only one day a year to be sad, instead of saying this would have been Amy's birthday and then having another day to morn because it is the anniversary of my death.

A wound on my arm started bleeding during my appointment, which was embarrassing as I ended up with blood on my top. Not the best when you are sat in front of your psychologist.

Was asked about my latest weight loss, I just went silent and didn't respond until a different question was asked. The last thing I want to have to explain about that.

My psychologist is really lovely and I am glad I have her as I finally feel like she understands me and I can truly trust her. It only took me three years of seeing her to realise it.

parents want me to go on holiday

Well my depression is no change from yesterday. Had a conversation with the crisis team and given the usual advice, why don't you distract yourself with a nice hot bath with candles, great, I will do that and magically my depression will be better!

I have had suicidal thoughts racing through my head all night and day, but not the guts to do anything about it.

My parents came around to see me as they no I am struggling. I cried a lot at them, which I hate doing. They have come up with a suggestion, they are meant to be going on holiday on Saturday with my youngest brother, they are worried about leaving me, so they think it would be a good idea for me to go instead of my Mum. They think it would be good for me to get away for a bit and get out of my flat, as that is where I spend all day every day. I appreciate the offer, but going away does not make any difference to the way I feel, as I have to take my mind with me and it is my mind that is the problem. They are saying that they wont be able to enjoy the holiday any ways as they will be worrying about me back home and I don't want them to do that, but I really don't want to go.

My calorie intake is still really low, the last two days has been 128 calories per day. At least I am good at one thing.

Funeral plans

Last night I spent ages writing my funeral plans, I wrote every thing, like what I wanted doing with all of my belongings, what music I want at my funeral etc. I feel so depressed, I really can't imagine being alive much longer, this is torture. I go to bed every night praying that I don't wake up the next morning. I am to much of a weak person to commit suicide, been there, tried that and failed, so I just have to hope something happens to me instead. I just hope it happens to me soon.