Cast off tomorrow

My cast comes off tomorrow, like I said the other day I am excited and nervous at the same time. I just want my arm back and all of this to be a distant memory, but I no it isn't going to be that simple, as I have got another 4 weeks of it being immobilized, then I will start physiotherapy, so it is going to be a long process. I still can't quite believe that I got myself into this situation, but I no that i have to just look forward now.

I have been really over sleeping, I think at the moment it is easier to sleep then to be awake, even when I am not tired I will force myself to go back to sleep. The less hours in the day, the less likely I am to mess up.

I am sorry to moan about my ear ache all the time, but it is back again, I have no idea why I keep getting it, but it is really pissing me off.

My psychologist is away now for two weeks, I can phone the duty team or crisis team if I need support, but it always scares me when she goes away, as normally something bad happens and I need her. Sometimes I wish she didn't have holidays, selfish I no.

Great appointment

I had a really good appointment with my psychologist today, my Dad came, the aim: to discuss my biggest problem at the moment, my relationship with my Mum.

My Mum and mine relationships has always been strained, she suffered from severe post natal depression after having me and by the time my Mum finally got help for it, it was too late, the damage had been done. I was always treated like every thing I did was purposely to annoy my Mum. She loves me, I no she does, but I cannot forget and move on from a lot of things that happened as I grew up.

Discussing this all with my Dad with the support of my psychologist was a real release and I hope to be maybe able to move on from a few things.

I hadn't wanted to say anything until now as I didn't want to jinx it, but I haven't self harmed for two weeks, this is the longest for over a year. It kind of doesn't seem real, that long, I can't believe it.

ED wise, I have restricted the last couple of days, I am glad I haven't binged or purged.

Why I ignore my friends

A lot of my friends really don't understand why I do this, but when I am feeling particularly low, I ignore them. They will ring and ring and ring, I will just watch my phone ringing and cry. I wish they could understand that the reason I do that isn't because I don't like them or don't need them, it is the opposite, I want to protect them. I don't want my problems to be passed onto them, I don't want them to absorb my unhappiness. But also there are selfish reasons behind it too, I don't want them to hear me being depressed and decide they don't want to be my friend, or have that awkwardness off them not knowing what to say to me. Also there is obviously the main reason, when you are depressed you don't feel like being in your own company, let alone anyone else's.

Once again I have a killer earache, it seems to come on most evenings and is a very sharp earache, but is always gone by the morning. Maybe it is psychological, I just don't no.

My arm is doing OK, my cast is really stinking, so I can't wait till Thursday to get it off. I am able to move my fingers reasonably well, which to me seems good, but apparently that isn't that impressive, the main tendon that I damaged controls the movement of my hand, ie bending my hand towards my wrist and I wont be able to tell if that has worked until I get the cast off. the tendon that controls my fingers was only partly damaged, hence the reason I have got my finger movement back so quickly.

Although I am excited to get the cast off, I am also really nervous, I am scared to see my arm, as the wound that I made was pretty large, but the surgeon had to make it even bigger. My arms have been a mess for a number of years, but it still scares me as to what it is going to look like now.

I have been working on a project, but it is going to remain a secret until it is finished.

Massive binge

I feel so disgusted with myself, I had probably the biggest binge I have had in a long time this evening, it was awful, I just ate and ate and ate. Obviously purged after, but I am so cross that I can't be stronger than that. I really do not want to be getting back into daily binging again.

I spent some time with my parents this afternoon, they don't think it is good for me staying in all of the time, so have been keeping on for days, so eventually today I agreed to go to town with them. I didn't feel as anxious as I thought I would, except for in one shop, but I think that was due to the lighting in that particular shop. For some reason my anxiety and panic attacks can be very triggered by some shops lighting, especially if it is flickering slightly. I have no idea why, but I now have some shops that I no longer even attempt to go in.

I feel so big and disgusting after that awful binging and purging session earlier, I hate this feeling.

The Bob and Betty Diaries

Please check out my new blog, The Bob and Betty diaries, it is a bit of light hearted fun compared to my normal blog!

Spent the day in my bedroom

I ended up spending the day in my bedroom as the plumbers were in my lounge fitting a new water tank system thingy. So what do you do when you are trapped in your bedroom, with no TV etc? SLEEP. So I spent most of the day dozing in and out of sleep, now I have a banging headache, my fault.

My psychologist sent me a lovely email earlier saying that she was proud of me for trying so hard to turn everything around again since my operation. It felt nice to read, but then the guilt kicks in, as I haven't been entirely honest with her, I may have made out that things are a little better than they actually are. I wish I could have received that  email because I actually deserved it. I feel like such a liar, I purposefully deceived her. What kind of person does that make me?

Just got back from my psychologist

So I have just got back from an appointment with my psychologist, it went OK, it was a very tearful appointment, but they normally are these days. She really understands me, she is probably the only person in the world who really understands why I do what I do. We talked about the usual, that I can't let this happen again etc, which I really no. I never want to get into this situation again, I am going to be very lucky this time to get much hand function back, so if I was stupid enough to do it again, then I would be screwed.

I have binged and purged already today, am very annoyed as I had been sticking very strictly to my calorie limit.

I have had my appointment come through for the orthopaedic hand clinic, it is on the 9th, I cannot wait the get this heavy, stinky, itchy back slab off. Just PLEASE PLEASE do not put another one on!