Shit day

Today had been a shit day, first of all I have lost an opportunity to move to a new flat, that I had all of my hopes pinned on. My flat is disgusting, it is falling apart around me and my landlord doesn't give a fuck about it at all. I have a rat infestation, they chew through my floor boards, they even chewed the corner off my cats mat that their water bowl was on, it is awful. So my one opportunity to get out of this shit pit has just fallen apart, so I am stuck.

So I was already upset about that, but that is the least of my worries for today, I had my lunch with Dad, I ate a main course, which I ate 3/4 of, then I had a pudding. I went back to my Dads, managed to sneak a little bit of purging in under the pretence that I needed a wee, then had to go to my appointment with my psychiatrist, which luckily is opposite my parents house, as that is the building my CMHT is. So when I got there I asked to use their loo, I managed to purge a bit more, but still felt very full and sick.

My appointment with the psychiatrist was very stressful, he is a temporary psychiatrist as my CMHT hasn't had a full time one for about two years, which is a very annoying. He kept saying that I am an intelligent girl, which winds me up, as we are not here to discuss my intelligence (or lack of it in my case!). Then completely out of the blue he says that he thinks he needs to send me away for treatment in a residential centre in Birmingham, which is about three hours from where I live. I was so shocked that he just came out with this, he has never met me before, during my appointment was the first time he has ever seen my file, he knows nothing about me. He can't just suddenly decide something like that can he?

So in one day I have lost the opportunity to move out of my rat infested flat, I have eaten more calories in one sitting than I have eaten in the last 3 weeks added together and not managed to purge the majority of it and to top it off, I have been told that I may be sent half way across the country, what a fab day.

Cry cry cry

This evening has been a very tearful evening, I have cried more than I have cried in a long time, the reason being? I ate a chocolate corn flake cake, that seems bad enough, but to make it even worse I wasn't able to attempt to purge it until well over an hour later, so basically there wasn't much in purging it at all.

Obviously after yesterdays blog you will no that I was meant to go for lunch with my Dad today, I had been so anxious about it all night and had built it up to be this massive deal. So when I met up with my Dad I had got to the point where I had decided that I was going to have a normal lunch, eat it as normally as possible and then purge it at the soonest opportunity. My reasoning being that I wanted to make my Dad happy, us going for lunch together is something he really enjoys and I no he has been looking forward to it. Also I thought that it would show him that I am 'fine', as my weight loss is pretty obvious now, so if I eat a meal, normally, in front of him, that should stop my family from worrying. So I was all hyped up for this lunch, thinking it is one lunch and it will show my Dad I am fine and make him happy.

So we get into town really late, as my Dad got caught up with something, all of the places have shut lunch time serving, so my Dad suggests we have lunch tomorrow instead. Great I am thinking, all of this stress and anxiety, planning and thoughts and just like that it is over for today and it is going to happen tomorrow. So that means another sleepless anxiety filled night ahead of me. Then my wants me to still have something quickly to eat on the way home, so I pick a cornflake cake, a bloody cornflake cake! why on earth did I pick that? But going through my mind I am trying to please my Dad, make him happy and show him all is OK, so as I am eating it I am thinking, its no biggy, I can just purge it when I get home. Then Dad says he is going to come into my flat as he wants to load a program on my lap top for me, so the clock in my mind is ticking, I am calculating how long it has been since consuming the cake, so I think well 10 minutes will be all right.

So my Dad comes in, loads the program on, then starts flicking through the games on my computer, then settles down to a game of spider solitaire, great, again time is ticking. At this point I start to think is he doing it on purpose as he knows I want to purge it. Any ways after an hour of me doing things like hoovering and emptying the washing machine, he suddenly gets up and goes "right I am off now", just like that. I new they were bound to suspect at some point as we have been through this so many times, but I didn't think they would start to suspect yet.

So once again we are back to me thinking shit, what am I going to do tomorrow, as after today I am pretty sure my Dad isn't going to let me slip off to purge our lovely lunch!

What the hell am I going to do???

My Dad wants to go for lunch tomorrow, what the hell am going to do? I cannot bare thought of eating a meal,, let alone doing it in a public place with all of those people looking at me. I feel so anxious about it already, it is racing through my head, I just don't no what to do.

Today I had a appointment with my GP, just to get my medication and on Thursday I have got an appointment with my psychiatrist, so busy busy for me. I just really want my psychologist back, as she is the one that actually helps me, but she isn't back until the 30th.

Today I had stuck to 176 calories, until about an hour ago, I ate a portion of cereal, I think it was mainly out of boredom rather than hunger, but I purged it straight after eating it.

I cannot stop stressing about lunch with Dad, it is going to be a sleepless night tonight.

Physio

Today I had my first physio appointment, the first thing I have to say is that the physiotherapist was a wench, a complete dick, a pratt, I could keep on coming up with words all night, so I will stop now. When he asked me to take my splint off, the first sentence that came out of his mouth was "wow, it looks like someone has wrapped cotton around your arm over and over again and pulled it tight", like I said, he was a pratt. Later on in my appointment he decided to say "well I guess I don't mind treating you, as you seem like a nice girl". He just made me so angry and then to top it off, he decided it was too early and the tendon repair wasn't strong enough to actually do anything any ways, so a complete waist of my time. But don't panic, I get the privilege of seeing him again next Monday, I cannot wait.

Eating disorder wise, I have eaten 176 calories today, I also went on a hour and a half long walk through the woods with and Dad and the family dog, so feeling pretty good about that.

It was really nice to spend some time with my Dad, I really love him so much, but because of his work I hardly get to see him sometimes, but he has got the whole of this week off, so we should get to spend some quality time together. The only problem is, he wants to go for lunch with me one day this week, that is going to be a problem, I am already trying to think of excuses, but this one is going to be difficult to get out of, but I am not undoing all of my hard work that easily.

Not in a chatty mood

Sorry not in a chatty mood, but here we go, ate 176 calories today and self harmed. That's all for today.

I failed

I failed, today I ate a sandwich, a chocolate muffin and a hot chocolate, obviously purged and I mean really purged, I kept going until it was just stomach acid coming up. How can I have stood so strong for so long and then just fuck it up. It happened at 5:30 this evening, my sister wanted to meet for a coffee, as we were driving down I could feel myself arguing with myself,

'just eat what you want',
'no, just have a bottle of water',
'go on eat it',
'no, don't fail, you have worked so hard'
'eat it'
'no, I can't'

Then of course I did, I ate, I am so pissed of with myself, I couldn't wait to get home to empty the heavy, full, sick feeling in my stomach. Now I feel like a failure, the one thing I am normally so good at, I fucked it up. To compensate I will have to definitely reduce tomorrow, it's the only way.

Time to be honest

So now is the time to be honest and stop kidding myself. I keep saying that things are OK and I am not letting things get out of hand and that I wont go to far. But here is the truth, I have been kidding myself, I thought if I didn't admit it, that then it can't be true. But the truth is, my anorexia is back, I am ill, I haven't eaten above 200 calories for over two weeks, for months before this I have restricted to under 200 calories for a few days and then binged and purged for a few days. I have not eaten a actual meal since the middle of July. I have lost nearly 2 stone, I have dropped two clothes sizes. It is definitely back, I am no longer an anorexic in recovery, I am an anorexic and it pains me to say that.

I went into town today to get a new pair of jeans, as all of mine are far to big now, I tried on a size smaller, they were too big, so I got a smaller size and they fitted, but are loose, you cannot get a size smaller in most shops. I felt so pleased, but at the same time so sad, I actually cried in the changing room, tears of joy and tears of sadness.

But now all I can think about is reducing the calories to 150 and then I no soon I will want to go lower and lower. I am scared, I think the thing I am most scared of is that I am good at doing this, and I no I will succeed in going lower, sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at this.