Time to be honest

So now is the time to be honest and stop kidding myself. I keep saying that things are OK and I am not letting things get out of hand and that I wont go to far. But here is the truth, I have been kidding myself, I thought if I didn't admit it, that then it can't be true. But the truth is, my anorexia is back, I am ill, I haven't eaten above 200 calories for over two weeks, for months before this I have restricted to under 200 calories for a few days and then binged and purged for a few days. I have not eaten a actual meal since the middle of July. I have lost nearly 2 stone, I have dropped two clothes sizes. It is definitely back, I am no longer an anorexic in recovery, I am an anorexic and it pains me to say that.

I went into town today to get a new pair of jeans, as all of mine are far to big now, I tried on a size smaller, they were too big, so I got a smaller size and they fitted, but are loose, you cannot get a size smaller in most shops. I felt so pleased, but at the same time so sad, I actually cried in the changing room, tears of joy and tears of sadness.

But now all I can think about is reducing the calories to 150 and then I no soon I will want to go lower and lower. I am scared, I think the thing I am most scared of is that I am good at doing this, and I no I will succeed in going lower, sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at this.