Cry cry cry

This evening has been a very tearful evening, I have cried more than I have cried in a long time, the reason being? I ate a chocolate corn flake cake, that seems bad enough, but to make it even worse I wasn't able to attempt to purge it until well over an hour later, so basically there wasn't much in purging it at all.

Obviously after yesterdays blog you will no that I was meant to go for lunch with my Dad today, I had been so anxious about it all night and had built it up to be this massive deal. So when I met up with my Dad I had got to the point where I had decided that I was going to have a normal lunch, eat it as normally as possible and then purge it at the soonest opportunity. My reasoning being that I wanted to make my Dad happy, us going for lunch together is something he really enjoys and I no he has been looking forward to it. Also I thought that it would show him that I am 'fine', as my weight loss is pretty obvious now, so if I eat a meal, normally, in front of him, that should stop my family from worrying. So I was all hyped up for this lunch, thinking it is one lunch and it will show my Dad I am fine and make him happy.

So we get into town really late, as my Dad got caught up with something, all of the places have shut lunch time serving, so my Dad suggests we have lunch tomorrow instead. Great I am thinking, all of this stress and anxiety, planning and thoughts and just like that it is over for today and it is going to happen tomorrow. So that means another sleepless anxiety filled night ahead of me. Then my wants me to still have something quickly to eat on the way home, so I pick a cornflake cake, a bloody cornflake cake! why on earth did I pick that? But going through my mind I am trying to please my Dad, make him happy and show him all is OK, so as I am eating it I am thinking, its no biggy, I can just purge it when I get home. Then Dad says he is going to come into my flat as he wants to load a program on my lap top for me, so the clock in my mind is ticking, I am calculating how long it has been since consuming the cake, so I think well 10 minutes will be all right.

So my Dad comes in, loads the program on, then starts flicking through the games on my computer, then settles down to a game of spider solitaire, great, again time is ticking. At this point I start to think is he doing it on purpose as he knows I want to purge it. Any ways after an hour of me doing things like hoovering and emptying the washing machine, he suddenly gets up and goes "right I am off now", just like that. I new they were bound to suspect at some point as we have been through this so many times, but I didn't think they would start to suspect yet.

So once again we are back to me thinking shit, what am I going to do tomorrow, as after today I am pretty sure my Dad isn't going to let me slip off to purge our lovely lunch!