Struggling today

So today I am really struggling, last night was a tough night as the urge to self harm was unbelievable, today I gave into that urge.I feel devastated, it was nearly three weeks without self harm, I am so angry at myself for messing up all of that hard work. I very rarely feel proud of myself, but I was starting to feel a tiny bit proud, now I have wrecked it.

I have lost nearly two stone since July, I don't no how to feel about it, a massive part of me is so pleased, like over the moon pleased, but another part of me no's its wrong, I guess you can definitely say that I am no longer in recovery. It is so wrong, but feels so right.

I am definitely having a day of self loathing.