A long overdue update

Hi guys, so it has been a while, sorry about that, I still have no internet access (blame sky), I am currently at my parents stealing theirs.

I have moved, I started moving on the 13th, the sign up for the keys was a weird process, I had to sign to say I would not commit the following acts:

~prostitution
~growing illegal substances ie cannabis
~ racially abuse anyone
~physically abuse anyone
~verbally abuse anyone
~acts of anti social behaviour

It goes on, it is very odd having to sign to say you will not commit these acts on the premisses seeing as they are illegal any ways, but hey I guess they just wanted to be sure I am not selling my body whilst running a cannabis farm on the property! I also found it amusing when I had to tick my gender and there were three options, I have never had to choose between three options before and the cheeky and childish side of me desperately wanted to tick the transgender box, but in the end I stuck with female.

Walking into my new flat for the first time seeing it all completed was amazing, probably a touch over whelming, walking from room to room, seeing the magnolia walls, the complete skirting boards,  the newly painted doors. The brand new just fitted kitchen and bathroom, all shiny and untouched. I spent the first hour walking around in circles saying over and over again "I can't believe this is actually mine". I was able to share this moment with my Dad and my youngest brother and that made it even more special.

Then the hard work started, days and days of walking up and down two flights of stairs from my old flat across the busy road on up two flights of stairs to my new flat. This process seemed never ending, the larger items I was helped with, but everything else I mainly did on my own. The piles in my old flat never felt like they were going down and after a few days I started to feel like this would never end. But guess what, it has, my old flat is empty, my new flat is full.

Bob and Betty spent the first day we moved at my parents, partly so they wouldn't get stressed and also so they wouldn't escape in the commotion. When I picked them up at about 8:30 pm and brought them back I was anxious as to how Bob would react, with him normally being the more anxious of the two, but it turned out Betty would be the one who would find it the most stressful. I have never seen her this way before, she was shaking, wouldn't eat or drink for 36 hours and just didn't seem happy, Bob after a few hours was off exploring, Betty refused to come out of her carrier. But now they have both settled in fine, they have picked their favourite spots to sit, they are enjoying suddenly having over double the amount of space to explore and hide. They are like they have always been here. It makes me so happy to no they are happy.

As some of you will no, I had a little bit of an accident on one of the days, I fell down the stairs outside my old flat which are metal fire escape stairs, I was being silly and in my frustration of going backwards and forwards with my stuff I tried to carry to much, it was raining, so it was slippery any ways and I decided to carry my Henry Hoover and 3 bags of clothes down the stairs. Needless to say I slipped and broke a bone in my hand. An evening in A&E later and my hand taped up I was sent home and told I needed to go to the fracture clinic on the Monday, the brake happened on Friday evening. I decided on Monday morning that I wasn't going to go to the fracture clinic, a lot of people got cross with me about this, I had my reasons, the idea of going was too stressful for me, the fracture clinic is where I have spent a lot of my time over the last four years, it is where I get sent for my follow up treatment and monitoring of my hand after all of my tendon repair operations I have had after taking self harm too far. At that clinic I have been humiliated, treated horribly and unfairly judged. I did not want to go back there and see those people, even though I wouldn't have been there after an act of self harm this time, I just couldn't bare the thought of being recognised. My hand is healing well, the bruising and swelling made it look worse than it was, I will live.

My Aunty passed away, she has been battling liver cancer, I new she was dying, but it didn't make it any easier. Also I have these intrusive and obsessive thoughts that as something good is happening for me, that means someone else is going to be punished. Normally these thoughts are focussed on my Dad, but for a brief while I did find myself wondering if I was the cause of my Aunty passing away. I no this is not true and I have been able to tell myself this. But back in the back of my mind I am scared that something is still going to happen to my Dad.

I was meant to have an appointment to see my Jaw surgeon the other day, but without any explanation it has been postponed until the beginning of September. This is annoying as I am in a lot of pain with my jaw at the moment and am finding it hard to keep this pain under control. But September it is and I have no choice in this.

The night before I got the keys to my new flat I decided that my flat going going to be purge free, I thought a new start in a new place warranted such a huge commitment. I am sorry to report I didn't even make it to the end of the first day. Self harm has been equally as poor, I have fallen right back into the same routine and I feel extremely guilty for this, I have been given this huge opportunity and I haven't really tried that much. Maybe once things have settled down then I will be able to put more effort into it, we shall see.

My mood has been fairly good, but yesterday it took a noticeable drop, today I have felt extremely low, suicidal in fact. Maybe it is the excitement wearing off, maybe it is coming to terms with the death of my Aunty, maybe it is just me being me. But If I hear the words "I thought you would be better once you got into your new place" then I am going to scream. Mental illness does not stay in your old place when you move, it follows you to the next place and you can't help but unpack it.

One thing you may find funny, on one of the trips back to my old flat, sat at the bottom of my stairs was the biggest rat I have ever seen (I have seen some pretty big ones), it was just sat by the stairs and as we walked towards it it wouldn't move, my Dad said maybe it had come to say good by. I can safely say that is one thing I am happy to be leaving behind.

I should be back online over the next few days, I miss being online, it is weird how empty by day feels without  twitter, YouTube and blogger. I hope you haven't missed me to much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!