I met with Maria

I met up with my friend Maria for an hour this morning, I haven't seen her for months, she is a great person, she isn't my usual type of friend, she is in her forties, has five children, a husband and is an ex police officer. I met her when her first child attended the nursery I was working at when I was nineteen, when I left the nursery we kept in contact and when I was a nanny we used to meet up for days out with the children. When I got too ill to work she was amazing, she has been through similar things and she 'got' me, she would listen to me cry and not judge me, she was brilliant. We have met up every few months ever since. I could spend hours in her company, as she understands that sometimes I all I need is a hug, or to sit in silence. But at the same time she has a really busy life bringing up her lovely children, so I no I can't rely on her to much.

I haven't felt quite as low today, which is a welcome relief. I just hope it can last to give me a break.

Still sticking to my calorie allowance, I no I need to get on top of this, but at the moment I haven't got the energy to fight it. I feel a little scared if I am honest, because I no it is really consuming me at the moment, but I will sort it, I promise. I will NOT let it go too far.

Don't worry I am OK

Don't worry I am OK, well that's why I went around to my parents for an hour earlier to give them that impression. As I was walking up to theirs I was thinking 'deep breaths, you can do this, be happy'. It worked and now my parents wont worry about me for a few days. I hate them worrying about me.

I had a flat inspection today, the women turned up whilst I was fast asleep, so I answered the door in my PJ's, it was only once she was gone that I was awake enough to realise I had short sleeved PJ's on, how embarrassing, I bet she went back to the office and told everyone about the fruit loop in flat 7b.

Still doing well with my calorie intake, every day that goes by that I stick to my amount the stronger I feel, obviously not physically, but mentally. Every time a pound comes off I feel so proud, a lot of my clothes are once again to big, when I got to big for my clothes during recovery I threw them all away, so at some point I am going to have to buy some clothes, with what money I do not no.

My arm is really hurting

My hideously annoying splint 

My arm is really hurting today, it really aches and throbs, I think I have been using it to much. I need to remember to be more careful with it as the last thing I want is to undo the repair. I am really starting to struggle with what I have done to myself, I can't do basic things myself like washing up, my arm is pretty much useless. The splint is really starting to wind me up, it is so annoying and just turns my arm into this thing that sticks out and gets in the way. I want to keep taking it off, but I no I can't. I HATE IT.

Again I have felt quite tearful today, the day feels like it has been really long and never ending. I have also self harmed again today. I am scared that I am letting things slip again. I wanted to be able to tell my psychologist things have been going really well when she gets back from leave on the 20th, but it doesn't look like that is going to be the case.

Sorry, I am just feeling sorry for myself.

Definitely been a low day

Today has definitely been a low day, I have once again gone back to being very tearful. I did do something positive though. I phoned a help line, which is something I would never normally do, the helpline was for adult survivors of abuse, the lady I spoke to was amazing, she helped me to sort through some traumatic memories and flashbacks that I have been having recently. Most of the conversation involved me hysterically crying, but she was brilliant, she listened to me and was patient with me, she made me understand that none of it was my fault. I really think phoning them was a big help and it was definitely the type of support I needed today.

My restricting is on target, I have not gone above my calorie amount for well over a week, I feel so committed to it and that makes me feel so powerful.

I uploaded a video to my youtube channel that contained pictures of my scars, I really wasn't sure whether to do it or not, but I decided that even if it only helps one person it will be worth it. My hope is that people will look at it and get help for themselves before their self harm gets to the point mine has. That is my hope, but I hope people don't think I am proud of my scars and just showing off, as that definitely isn't the case.

Struggling today

So today I am really struggling, last night was a tough night as the urge to self harm was unbelievable, today I gave into that urge.I feel devastated, it was nearly three weeks without self harm, I am so angry at myself for messing up all of that hard work. I very rarely feel proud of myself, but I was starting to feel a tiny bit proud, now I have wrecked it.

I have lost nearly two stone since July, I don't no how to feel about it, a massive part of me is so pleased, like over the moon pleased, but another part of me no's its wrong, I guess you can definitely say that I am no longer in recovery. It is so wrong, but feels so right.

I am definitely having a day of self loathing.

Urge to self harm

The urge to self harm has been so strong today, I am trying so hard to fight it, as I have been doing so well since my operation. I keep looking at my hideous wound on my wrist from the operation, I look at it to remind myself how disappointed I was in myself when I did it, to try and stop me doing it again, but at the moment I have gone past caring, I just want to give in.

I have had a busy day today, probably not busy by most peoples standards, but by my standards it was a hectic day. I feel really lame about the fact that I get so tired so easily, it is pathetic.

My Dad said to me that he is so happy that I seem to be doing a lot better at the moment, he said it makes him really happy when I am well. It is really nice when he says that, but it is also really hard, as one, he still doesn't no that even though I seem a little better at the moment, there is still so much going on in my head. Also it is hard when he says it, because it makes me even more scared of failing, as I no how unhappy it will make him, but failure feels inevitable.

Don't you hate the fact that it isn't just life you are fucking up, it is every one around you's lives too.

The cast is off

Today I was so anxious, going to the hospital is scary enough, but going on your own is even harder. As it got nearer to the time to go I started to feel physically sick and could feel myself shaking. But once I got on the bus I felt a little bit more relaxed, as the first step was done.

My appointment with the hand specialist was OK, it was difficult as even though it says in my notes the reason I have the injury, the nurse who took my cast off, the nurse that took my stitches out, the hand specialist and even the physiotherapist who made my splint all insisted on asking over and over again what had happened. But as soon as they look at my arm, they all do exactly the same thing, put this disapproving look on their faces and say "oh, I see". I hate that look they give, I already no how much I have fucked up, I don't need them reminding me.

But I got my wish, I got a splint rather than another cast, but only on the promise that I would not remove it, but of course one of the first things I did when I got home was take it off and soak my arm in a nice warm bath, it felt heavenly.

The wound itself is healing well, I had 16 stitches in it, the wound I had made went across my wrist, but the surgeon had made a horizontal line going down my wrist to make the wound into a T shape. My arm is still really swollen, but that should go down soon.

It is difficult looking at my arm, as it is a mess, but so is my other arm and both my thighs, I have to live with what I have done to myself and I am the only one responsible for my actions, it is just hard knowing that.