I am feeling a little brighter today, have been to town to meet 2 of my friends for a coffee. I have been trying to do a bit more the last few days and it seems to be helping.
I have been given a move date, the 11th of June, the only thing that would delay that is if the builders that are repairing the roof run behind again. I want to get out of this place, I need to get out of this place, but I have to confess I am getting anxious about it. I have lived here for a long time, the fear of the unknown is daunting.
Food is going really well, no binging, I have been eating an average of 500 calories a day, I am trying really hard not to go lower, as I no my ED voice would not let me go back up again and I do not want to go back to 200 calories a day.
Self harm is rapidly getting out of control again, it is actually scaring me at the moment as I am doing more and more damage again, when I get into this cycle it normally ends in one way, cutting so deep that I cut through tendons. I have no idea why I let it go that far, it seems to be that I get so caught up in it and I just need to take it that bit farther each time, then there is only so far you can take it and then the damage is once again done. I have actually lost count of how many times this has happened, I think I have had 8 tendon repair operations, why can't I learn my lesson?
This is a video I made after the last time I required surgery to repair tendons I cut in my wrist.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35N4d5dApHo
Why the hell can't I learn my lesson????
Bobs behaviour has taken a turn for the worst, last night he weed on me, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to change the bedding,went back to sleep and then at 5:15am woke up to a poo and me, so had to change the bedding again. He pood and the carpet the other day, has weed in one of the cat beds, basically his behaviour has gone right back to the beginning. But as we all no, I will put up with anything from Bob as he is so special, so is Betty, but Bob has been so ill and I have to remember that is why he has these problems.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
I'm still super glad you're getting out more ! :)
ReplyDeleteI am too and I feel better for it :)
Lets hope Bob stops being so naughty !
Many hugs,
xoxo
Yeah to the flat date being 11th June.....not long to go. It will be a great new start.
ReplyDeleteYeah to the eating and not bingeing and purgeing. 500 calories is so much better than 200.
The self harm....i wish it was that easy, we'd realise what we are doing is wrong and just stop....BUT both you and i know its not that simple. I will say though just try to be careful re the tendons etc. As for learning lessons its harder than that...we knoe :)
Take care and hopefully Bob is going to turn a corner for you soon
Well you got one hell of a lot of patience thats for sure. I know a lot of people who would have gone balistic if their pet had done that.Patients is a rare quality so be proud of yourself AND you're getting out and about which is BRILLIANT. Its bound to be unnerving leaving your home for a new one but your leaving bad memories too..bad neighbours ect not to mention the rats...You've done really well so be PROUD of yourself. You got more guts than me I'll say that for you :)
ReplyDeleteGreat to hear that you're out and about and you should have an online houseparty when you move! we could all stop by here and give your jpegs of pot plants hehe!
ReplyDeleteIt's always the way that when one thing goes well, the other doesn't, isn't it? Youre doing so much better with food, we're so proud of you! that's hard to do :) If your tempted to self harm badly please do call the crisis team, crappy though they are :)
Take care :)