Turn it into a possitive

That is what my Dad said to me today. My Dad very much lives in a little dream world, I love him to pieces, in fact I adore him. BUT he is still very nieve (sp?) in his way of thinking when it comes to mental illness. When I first got really ill he was desperate to take me on holiday, he was so sure that getting away for a week would help me so much, but as we all no, it just isn't that simple, your mind has to come with you and it is your mind that is the problem. So when I told him I had been allocated a new flat he was over the moon, he is so convinced that a fresh start is what I need, it is, it will be great, but it wont fix me. Now we have all excepted that I am being discharged, he is now trying to tell me that it is a blessing in disguise, moving and being discharged around the same time means that I can start afresh, leave this chapter of my life behind. Now this is partly true, I am trying to turn this into a positive and look upon it this way, but it does not fix everything. I wish it could, I could move into my new flat and BAM I am better, no more anorexia, no more depression, no more self harm, no more obsessing about suicide etc. But that would be to easy.

Any ways, I am going to view my new flat for the first time on Monday, the move date is still set for the 10th of June (as long as the builders complete on time). I would move tomorrow if I could, seeing my new flat out of my lounge window every day is like torture, I keep imagining what it is going to look like inside, how it is going to feel. It has proper solid floors, unlike here, it wont shake when lorries and buses go past, I won't hear my neighbours arguing, beating each other up, having the loudest make up sex and of course the joy I hear every night the bloke below snoring. I will be able to drink tap water again, I am not allowed due to the rats (it is a health hazard), I wont have to rinse every cup, mug, plate etc in boiling water before I use it in case the rats have been touching them. I will have a shower, I have a bath here, but no shower, I love having a bath, but it takes a long time rather than jumping in the shower, but the main thing about having to have a bath is I hate the amount of water it wastes, it just seems a shame to waist so much water every day, a shower will use a small percentage of the water I currently use.

I will be leaving a lot behind here, memories that I wish could leave behind here and never think of them again. I could be here all day going through them, so I will share a few.

 I have nearly died here so many times after overdoses, I have self harmed and had arterial spray hit the ceiling, I remember once when my boyfriend at the time was living with me here, I got up in the middle of the night, went into the kitchen and cut deep into my wrist, I didn't even attempt to stop the bleeding, I just walked in a daze back into the bedroom and got back into bed and went back to sleep. Suddenly my boyfriend started shouting and turned the light on, he was shouting "what have you done, what have you done" over and over, he had woken up because the bed was soaking wet, I was pumping blood everywhere, when he turned the light on and made me get up (I kept saying we will sort it in the morning), he grabbed something to tie around my wrist and made me hold my hand in air, it was only then that I realised how much I had been bleeding, it was all over the curtains, my cream coloured canvas wardrobe, the floor and of course the bed, me and him. There is no doubt if he hadn't have woken I would have bleed to death. I have had to phone my sister in the middle of the night and tell her I once again need to go to the hospital as I have cut through tendons.

I have been raped in my flat, that is something I would like to forget. It is hard to live some where where you have been violated like that.

 I have sat on my own drinking litres of vodka night after night. most of the time not remembering dragging myself into to bed (if I managed to make it that far).

 I have brought man after man back to my flat, had sex with them and then kicked them out, most of the time even knowing their names, some would have stayed the night due to the fact I would have passed out, but would not get any conversation out of me in the morning, just would have been asked to leave as I wake up and realise what I have once again done.

There are some good things, this was my first sense of independence away from my parents, my first break away from the damaging relationship with my Mum.

It is Bob and Bettys first home, they have spent time at my parents when I have been in hospital  and we stayed with my sister for a month when I was really poorly and couldn't look after myself, but this is their home.

It was here that I gave up alcohol, I have been sober for 3 years on the 21st of June and I have never looked back. Alcohol nearly killed me and played a huge part in some of my earlier suicide attempts.

It was also here that I decided to never again put myself in the position where I would have to have sex. I have not had sex for 3 years in August. Sex brings me so much trauma, it takes me back to the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, it reminds me of the situations I put myself in time after time as an adult trying to 'get over' my fear of sex and of course it reminds me of being raped as an adult. Sex is not something I want as part of my life and I will always remember the time I was sat here in this flat and empowered myself with that decision.

So good and bad memories, but new memories can be made in my new flat and you never no, maybe my Dad could be right, maybe I will be move and never look back :)