My latest YouTube video is on a topic close to my heart as it has affected my Dad and several of my friends, I have seen the devastation from both angles. Check it out :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCYXTOhQIh0
I binged yesterday, First time in weeks, I feel gutted and unfortunately have felt the need to punish myself for my failings.
My self harm is getting extremely out of hand, I hate to be graphic, but one of the wounds I made even shocked me. The trouble is I am completely obsessed and by obsessed I mean unbelievably completely and utterly obsessed with wanting to cut deep into my wrist again, we all no what that means for me, when I get obsessed with this thought it normally ends in extensive tendon damage requiring surgical repair, which is not what I want. But I cannot stop obsessing about it. I want to feel that pain, that suffering, I want to be repulsed by what I have done. I scare myself sometimes, if you could see the images I have in my head, the day dreams I go into, if you just new the true extent of what I want to do to myself.
I truly am sick in the head.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Hey Amy,
ReplyDeleteThis is truly worrying, and we care about you too much to see you lose the ability to move your hand.
Please call the crisis team and tell them what you said in this post, you are not in a safe place :(
*sending you hugs and love*
Fisrtly I want to watch this YT video...BUT i just cant ATM.....maybe it's because its to close to home.....on my darkest darkest days this is the way I'd dreamt I would go....so final and a good guarantee of sucess.. Obviously I cant guarantee that I wont feel this way ever agin...and maybe thats why I cant bear to watch it....maybe I dont want to see it from the other side (you know just in case)
ReplyDeleteSecondly the Self Harm....this makes me sad....I can see why you do it, the thoughts that are dark and sick (not yours BUT the graphicness of self harm thoughts)....I see exactly where you are coming from....and why these thoughts get stuck in our minds....graphic, dark and sometimes without much reason as such.
Please please please please take care....I dont want you to lose the use of your hand for good due to tendon damage....and plese in relation to the therapy with your mum be safe after and before.....try try try to find a really really good distraction technique (i know its easier said than done...really i do)
Just take care and be careful
Love always me