Why couldn't I do it for her?

Today has been a stressful day in more ways than one. First of all I went with a friend to her hospital appointment, it wasn't as straight forward as we had hoped and ended up being a bit more serious than first thought. So that was really difficult, supporting my friend who needed me, when all I wanted to do was cry myself.

The second stressful thing was that my friend really wanted me to have lunch with her, she is very aware of my eating disorder and normally accepts it when I say no to food, she sometime will try and convince me a little bit, but tends to accept my decision. But today when she asked, there was something in me that really wanted to do it for her. So I agreed, we spent ages finding somewhere not to busy that was nice a quiet and out of the way so I would feel more comfortable. I looked at the menu over and over again, desperate to find something I could eat for her, but as I was looking, I could feel my eyes starting to well up, I tried so hard not to cry, but there was panic going through me. My friend looked around at me and saw I was about to cry and said the words I was desperate to hear "you don't have to have anything, I understand, at least you tried". As she said the words a rush of relief came over me and I suddenly realised I could breath again.

So it ended up being the usual, she sat there eating her lunch with a cup of tea, whilst I tucked into my bottle of water.

WHY COULD'T I DO IT FOR HER? I wanted to do it so bad, just sit there and be normal, eat lunch with my best friend, but I couldn't, I was petrified, I am just so lucky that my friend understands and new I tried for her.