There has been a noticeable drop in my mood today, I have been very tearful, I hate it. Also I have self harmed quite badly this evening and after hours of trying to sort it out at home I have now accepted I am going to have to pop to the hospital for stitches. This makes me feel like even more of a failure as I haven't required stitches for a few months. I just feel like I haven't taken a step backwards, I have taken a leap.
I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, but I am not in the mood to analyse my week. I would rather erase this week, act like it never happened.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Thinking of you A&E sucks hope the doctors are nice to you and don't give you the SI 'talk'. xxxx ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYou're not a f*ck up.
ReplyDeleteSlip-ups, setbacks, accidents, etc. happen. It's generally not all that huge a deal. You pick up and go again, and with some attention, care and/or work, one generally has fewer and less problematic setbacks going forward.
Drop in mood - could be depression and/or some variations within a mental illness, or caused or related to various factors (weather, light, food, hormones, emotions/stress, medication(s), ...). Sometimes one never knows exactly why it went somewhat or particularly up, down, sideways, strange, or whatever. It turns around.
Tearful, crying ... not necessarily all that bad - sometimes better to at least somewhat give into it - and let the feelings/emotions out ... better to avoid doing something harmful because of it - if possible/feasible, and if the mood is so very consistently low - e.g. incessantly crying - for weeks or more on end, might need a somewhat different approach, ... but if one feels like crying ... well, ... sometimes a good cry helps that - why else would they call it a good cry?
Self-harmed badly ... well, ... not good, but everything (well, almost) is relative. You've certainly done worse before - so at least it's not *that* bad, ... and if you've been harming less severely and/or less frequently in general, that's a good thing. Though it would be nice if every single step only got better, that almost never happens that way - there are setbacks and relapses and the like. Don't let the setbacks and such discourage you - at least not too much, anyway. Pick up and continue to improve and move forward again - and despite any setbacks.
Hey, hadn't required stitches for a few months - that's pretty good ... maybe you next manage to push that out to many months or a year or more without need for a single stitch.
Therapy 'n all that - go to your appointment. Like I've (more-or-less) said, you're in charge. Make use of it - pretty much don't *have* to do what therapist tells you or suggests - so you set the stage - want to erase the week? Maybe tell your therapist that. Don't want to rehash the week? How 'bout talk about how you wish it had gone instead? Maybe talk about what a *good* week would be like for you - what would - and wouldn't happen, how you would/wouldn't feel during a good week, etc. You don't *have* to rehash unpleasantries from week past if you don't want.
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ReplyDeleteOther (semi-)random bits, suggestions, tips?, etc.:
Self-harm urges - and fighting them / staving them off - some tips/ideas I've heard which may work well for you (results vary by individual, etc., but probably well worth trying these, if you haven't already ... may also include some of my own slight enhancement ideas):
Ice - try holding and squeezing ice in your bare hands - pretty harmless, and also can rather hurt after a while too - so may work fairly well as a substitute.
Ice & ice-water (a bit more my idea, though quite possibly others have thought of it too) - plunge your hands into ice-water and keep 'em in there till any serious urge to self-harm has passed ... add more ice if/as needed, to be sure it remains ice cold ice-water - both hands fully submerged in it. That would work somewhat similar to squeezing ice, ... but mostly more quickly and intensely - doesn't have the squeezing bit (but might also be able to combine that?), but will chill hands pretty darn fast ... and it'll physically hurt a fair amount - at least before they go significantly more numb - and even then it will generally hurt - and also hurt for a while later as they warm up. Additionally, with that, as hands get very chilled and numb, that'll also make it significantly more difficult to self-harm - at least then, and perhaps even for a moderate bit afterwards - as numb / quite cold hands, make hand use and coordination very difficult, if not effectively impossible. So, ... that might be a pretty good way to not self harm for a while - and the pain bit might make a fair substitute and/or distraction.
Frozen veggies & other frozen stuff - don't have ice handy? How 'bout other frozen stuff in the freezer? Maybe grab and hang onto and/or squeeze a pack of frozen vegetables or something like that - or pack 'em around your hands.
Draw stuff where (e.g. arms) you do or would self-harm ... perhaps especially in red marker, perhaps even "permanent" if that's more satisfying or works better for you.
There are lots of other suggestions on YouTube, but one I saw recently - do simulated self-harm with makeup, fake blood, fake skin-like stuff you can apply upon and mold and shape on one's skin, etc. - can be made to look quite realistic ... I'm sure if one wanted, there's stuff used for movies and special effects and the like - could probably do a quite realistic look, if one particularly wished to, while being non-injurious.
Distractions - read a book, watch a movie or something on TV - go for a walk, ... do some writing (diary/journal/log/blog) or video (vlog) or whatever.
Where's the big long harrowing intense blog entry when you were intensely wanting to self harm? *Maybe* if you'd blogged that, perhaps it would be enough of a distraction, delay, and/or ranting/venting/releasing, that you might not have self harmed? ...or maybe at least not as badly? Perhaps at least try it (or to diary or journal or log or vlog).
REACH OUT! - call someone, talk with someone, call for help, go out somewhere public where you wouldn't self-harm, call Samaritans or the like.
DON'T GO IT ALONE! Do get in touch with someone - don't try to go it alone.
IF YOU NEED THE HELP, CALL AND GET IT! - if you need to call some crisis support number or hospital or psychiatrist or psychologist or emergency or whatever, do so - do what you need to to take care of yourself and survive as best and healthy as you can.
I'm sure there are many other possible things that may work - and work for you. Many suggestions out there to be found. Check 'em out - if they're reasonable and may work, and if you've not tried 'em, give 'em a try.
And, if and as it may help, you can also talk to folk(s) more - and including before things get to a crisis stage/point. Maybe that'd significantly help ease things before they got to being unbearable or triggering some type of crisis ... or at least may make any such crises less severe and less frequent.
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ReplyDeleteWith each road travelled, there tend to be some bumps and potholes - so, you hit another bump ... maybe we help you with some better shock absorbers, and some better headlights for night driving, and make sure your eyeglass prescription is good and current to help you better see what exactly what lies exactly where in the road ahead.