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| Fucking fat pig |
Sorry for swearing and sorry for such a self obsessed post, but I am in a really bad mood. My Dad took a picture of me earlier, when I saw it I burst into tears. I look huge, what more do I have to do? I cannot push my body much further, I am meant to be trying to get better, but I can't. I told my psychologist today that I do not want to get better any more, I am fed up with keeping up this act for people, you probably know the act I mean, the whole yes I am trying, yes I want to fight this. Well I don't, I do not want to fight this any more, I do not care any more, I give up.
I know we've all wanted to or have cried at pictures of ourselves, you're not alone believe me.
ReplyDeleteYou remind me of this girl I met in the Ed unit, her name was Briony. She was beautiful, the type of beautiful that everyone noticed, and not only that she was so friendly and so wise.
She was beautiful yet she looked so sick, her face was so gaunt, and when she smiled she never looked truly happy because you could tell that she was so sick.
I think you know what i'm going to say but i'll say it anyway, you do not look fat, you look tiny, unbelievably tiny.
I know you believe you are fat but you wouldn't find anyone that agrees with you.
As for not wanting to get better, I don't think people that know what you're going through would ever hold that against you, it's probably very rare for anyone to say it and mean it.
Would you be willing to let them find you an inpatient facility ? It's sort of taking a step without immediatley actually being forced into anything, just being able to know facilities are there.
xoxo
Take care
Body Dysmorphic Disorder (?) ... and how 'bout trying ...
ReplyDeleteBeen diagnosed with it? It's relatively common with eating disorders (ED). In any case, despite what you may think/feel/believe, you are *not* fat - absolutely not even anywhere close to that.
Don't care, give up, give in? I know it's incredibly hard, and you're so sick and tired of fighting, ... but how 'bout "just" giving in to those that so want to help you, and going along with that they're recommending and telling you to do? Maybe for a while, anyway, rather than give in to the EDs, or so much yourself battling the EDs and yourself choosing so much what to do every step of the way - or battling on such, ... how 'bout instead "surrendering" to those (e.g. psychologist, doctors, etc.) that very much want to help you, and going very much along with that they're recommending and suggesting - rather than you so much needing to choose/decide/battle/fight what to, and not to do, every bit along the way? Not exactly a "complete" answer, but maybe a way to get you at least to a significantly healthier place, so then you'll have the strength to start to pick things up more yourself from there, and then when you're feeling (much) better, start working more on where *you* want to go - and how ... but that's for later. For now, keep it simple, and perhaps *much* easier, and "give in" / surrender to those that want to help you. Maybe give it a major try/chance anyway, huh? If you feel so much like cr*p and so horrible, not too much to lose by trying something rather different/differently, eh? So, ... how 'bout give it a go - give in / surrender to those that are so trying to help you - let 'em get you to a (much) better place ... use that as a first major step, ... don't even worry about second and subsequent steps, until first major step has been completed.