VERY TRIGGERING

This is going to be a very triggering and honest post, so please only read if you feel comfortable to.

I sit her now, it is quarter to eleven, I feel sick, dehydrated, tired, weak, disgusting, sad, drained, I could keep going on, but I think you get the picture. I want to describe to you in whole my entire week, no holding back.

From last Saturday until this morning the most calories in one day that I have consumed was on Wednesday, when I 'failed', that day I was feeling rather suicidal after I ate 43 calories over my daily limit of 200 calories. This was the first time in ages I had been so weak, I consumed an extra portion of birdseye steam fresh vegetables. I felt like a complete and utter failure. Vegetables for fucks sake and I am there thinking my life is over because I have munched a bag of vegetables. But you see, that is how in-grossed I get in my world of starvation, every single calorie counts, in my mind I am constantly doing sums in my head, working out the total, writing lists of what I consumed, when, how many calories.

But you see, the rules are not the same on a Friday, Fridays I am no longer anorexic, I am bulimic, I am a completely different person, I start planning my Friday binge day early on in the week, dreaming about what I am am going to buy, how I am going to eat it. Calories do not come in to play on a Friday, I do not look, I can forget. That is because I know I am going to be sick, over and over again, I am going to stuff my face, be sick, stuff my face again, be sick again, this is going to happen over and over again, until I have either run out of food or am too exhausted to carry on. I look forward to Fridays, but dread them even more.

I do not understand how my mind can switch so drastically, tomorrow the only thing on my mind will be keeping to under 200 calories, I will stick to the same old diet, the one I detest, but have come to rely on, I know it is safe, there is nothing to trick or surprise me. I eat rice crackers, cracker breads and vegetables. These are my safe foods. I could try and list what I have eaten today, but I would only be able to remember a small percentage. I know for sure I will be spending the next week working hard to rid my body of the pounds today's binge has added to my body, only to start again next week.

The cycle is exhausting and never ending, but bit by bit it is taking every last ounce of strength I have. Sometimes I want this to kill me, sometimes I don't want to give it the satisfaction. My psychologist said this morning that I am actually a really strong person, after all you have to be strong to starve yourself, so why can't I use that strength to fight this monster? I am meant to be setting more achievable goals this week, I am expected to go into my appointment next Friday and tell her these goals that I am going to work towards achieving. I know I will say things like 'not self harming', 'increasing my calories', 'going back to my voluntary jobs' etc, but what my mind is screaming out is 'lose more weight', keeping down my calories', but something tells me these are not the goals she is going to want to hear.

I don't know, sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it of my chest I guess, just ignore me, I would ignore me if I could.