I will no longer be updating this blog, I have officially moved to wordpress, I really hope you all continue to follow me, I hope my new blog will be a lot more interesting, there seems to be more that you can do with wordpress.
Thank you all for your support and I look forward to keeping on contact with you all :)
http://iamfightingawarminejusthappenstobewithlife.wordpress.com/
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Sunday, 10 July 2011
I have moved to wordpress :)
So I have moved to wordpress, I have done this for a number of reasons
~blogger keeps going off line all the time
~loads of people have problems with blogger letting them comment on my blog
~Charlotte did it and she is super cool so decided to copy her
~wordpress seems a lot more advanced.
http://iamfightingawarminejusthappenstobewithlife.wordpress.com/
~blogger keeps going off line all the time
~loads of people have problems with blogger letting them comment on my blog
~Charlotte did it and she is super cool so decided to copy her
~wordpress seems a lot more advanced.
http://iamfightingawarminejusthappenstobewithlife.wordpress.com/
Friday, 8 July 2011
I am officially sane
Well its official, I have been discharged from the CMHT, does that mean I am sane? Am I now normal? can I walk amongst the normal people and fit in? oooh the excitement.
My discharge CPA was a waste of time, we ran through the fact that it is up to me now to put all I have learnt into practice, they have recommended that I apply to a charity that provides support for people with mental health problems in the community, they can help you with social, vocational and work things. So I am going to give that a go, maybe it would help to provide a bit more structure to my days.
I was sad to leave my psychologist, we have been seeing each other for 3 1/2 years, she knows intimate details of my life, things that I had never trusted with anyone and probably never will. She says we can keep in contact by email. She sent me this earlier.
So I guess it is up to me now, time to sort myself out, stop blaming everyone else for my mistakes and issues, take responsibilities for my actions.
At the moment my biggest struggle is an obsession I have developed with the idea of stabbing myself in the stomach, it is constantly rushing around my head, every time I see a knife I have to argue with myself and force myself not to pick it up and force it deep into my stomach. I am used to having these weird obsessions, but this one is particularly disturbing as I so want to do it, just to feel it, how screwed am I?
So what is the plan when sorry if things go tits up? Well back to my GP, he can refer me back to the CMHT, I will bypass the waiting list as I am known to be a risk. If it is immediate help I need if I am in a deep crisis then my GP can refer me direct to the Crisis Team. But hey, I am better now, so who gives a fuck.
My discharge CPA was a waste of time, we ran through the fact that it is up to me now to put all I have learnt into practice, they have recommended that I apply to a charity that provides support for people with mental health problems in the community, they can help you with social, vocational and work things. So I am going to give that a go, maybe it would help to provide a bit more structure to my days.
I was sad to leave my psychologist, we have been seeing each other for 3 1/2 years, she knows intimate details of my life, things that I had never trusted with anyone and probably never will. She says we can keep in contact by email. She sent me this earlier.
Hi Amy, Thank you so so much for your lovely card and present, they are
so lovely and your words meant so much to me. I really do hope you put everything you know in to practise and show yourself some of the love and compassion you have for everyone else. Also, believe in yourself, like I believe in you....I would so love to hear that you are doing well. Take care Amy and remember I'm not going anywhere!! With love, Julie
So I guess it is up to me now, time to sort myself out, stop blaming everyone else for my mistakes and issues, take responsibilities for my actions.
At the moment my biggest struggle is an obsession I have developed with the idea of stabbing myself in the stomach, it is constantly rushing around my head, every time I see a knife I have to argue with myself and force myself not to pick it up and force it deep into my stomach. I am used to having these weird obsessions, but this one is particularly disturbing as I so want to do it, just to feel it, how screwed am I?
So what is the plan when sorry if things go tits up? Well back to my GP, he can refer me back to the CMHT, I will bypass the waiting list as I am known to be a risk. If it is immediate help I need if I am in a deep crisis then my GP can refer me direct to the Crisis Team. But hey, I am better now, so who gives a fuck.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Depression waits for no man
I am in crisis, I think I have been awake for a total of 3 hours today, mainly due to the extreme consumption of diazepam and the increase in quetiapine. I just needed to not exist today, sleep was the only option.
I am going to have to confess to the doctor that since being allowed my prescription of diazepam back on Monday I have munched my way through the entire 28 pack at 5mg each. What do you think the chances are of me being allowed more?
My thoughts of suicide are constant, even in my sleep I have no break from it, will I commit suicide? No is the answer to that, well at the moment any ways.
For now I will have to settle with shredding my arms, purging and sleeping.
Sorry to all of my beloved friends on twitter for being anti social, as always that is how I deal with things.
Love you all.
I am going to have to confess to the doctor that since being allowed my prescription of diazepam back on Monday I have munched my way through the entire 28 pack at 5mg each. What do you think the chances are of me being allowed more?
My thoughts of suicide are constant, even in my sleep I have no break from it, will I commit suicide? No is the answer to that, well at the moment any ways.
For now I will have to settle with shredding my arms, purging and sleeping.
Sorry to all of my beloved friends on twitter for being anti social, as always that is how I deal with things.
Love you all.
Monday, 4 July 2011
Psychiatrist was interesting
I had my appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon, it was the last appointment with him before my discharge CPA on Friday. We discussed the usual, my mood, my sleep, my self harm, oddly enough he never mentioned my eating, maybe I look to chubby now for that to be worth discussing.
My quetiapine has been increased, not that frilled about that, but hey ho, I found it rather entertaining when he came out and said "we wont fiddle around with any of your other medications seeing as you are leaving us at the end of the week, but when things get bad we can re look at it again". So basically he is saying that he fully expects that I will be back under the mental health services soon.
I challenged my diagnosis, I had been planning to do this for days, so I politely said that I wanted to discuss my diagnosis with him as I didn't feel it fits. He asked why I thought that and I explained that I had researched it a lot and just didn't see how I met most of the criteria. His response was that I shouldn't be concerning myself with things like my diagnosis, that it wasn't really all that important and that I need to be thinking about my future now. What a joke, if I had a diagnosis of MS or parkinsons disease I would be encouraged to challenge it, discuss it, talk about how I fit into it, but no because I want to challenge my mental health diagnosis I am just dismissed. I have decided I am going to bring it up again at my discharge CPA seeing as there will be 3 mental health professionals there plus my sister. It wont hurt to bring it up again and try and get my point across a bit better.
I am very aware that I am over sleeping at the moment, it is a coping mechanism I often revert back to. It just feels like the best way to get through the day, snooze for a few hours, then live life for a few hours, then snooze for a few hours, so on and so on. Having my diazepam back makes this all the easier, I am going to have to break this cycle before it takes over again.
My yearly obsession about my birthday is starting to creep in again. My birthday is in the middle of August, for the last few years it has filled me with dread, this is because every year I become completely obsessed that I need to commit suicide on my birthday. It started about 4 years ago when I was extremely suicidal and the voice driving this in my mind convinced me that doing it on my birthday was the best thing all round. It would meant that then people would only have to think about me once a year, normally when someone dies we grieve for them on the day they died and their birthday, so my mind told me that I should die on my birthday to save people the trouble. Ever since it has been a huge obsession and every year as my birthday approaches it starts to niggle in the back of my mind, as the date of my birthday draws closer it gets stronger and stronger. My psychologist says that I am being 'dramatic' when I talk to her about this, so I have stopped mentioning it now.
Tomorrow I have to go over and scrub my old flat clean, I have to confess I am not really in the mood, but it needs doing. It is horrible every time I go over there as it is not my home anymore, this is my home. I cannot wait to hand back those keys and never have to set foot in that place again!!!
My quetiapine has been increased, not that frilled about that, but hey ho, I found it rather entertaining when he came out and said "we wont fiddle around with any of your other medications seeing as you are leaving us at the end of the week, but when things get bad we can re look at it again". So basically he is saying that he fully expects that I will be back under the mental health services soon.
I challenged my diagnosis, I had been planning to do this for days, so I politely said that I wanted to discuss my diagnosis with him as I didn't feel it fits. He asked why I thought that and I explained that I had researched it a lot and just didn't see how I met most of the criteria. His response was that I shouldn't be concerning myself with things like my diagnosis, that it wasn't really all that important and that I need to be thinking about my future now. What a joke, if I had a diagnosis of MS or parkinsons disease I would be encouraged to challenge it, discuss it, talk about how I fit into it, but no because I want to challenge my mental health diagnosis I am just dismissed. I have decided I am going to bring it up again at my discharge CPA seeing as there will be 3 mental health professionals there plus my sister. It wont hurt to bring it up again and try and get my point across a bit better.
I am very aware that I am over sleeping at the moment, it is a coping mechanism I often revert back to. It just feels like the best way to get through the day, snooze for a few hours, then live life for a few hours, then snooze for a few hours, so on and so on. Having my diazepam back makes this all the easier, I am going to have to break this cycle before it takes over again.
My yearly obsession about my birthday is starting to creep in again. My birthday is in the middle of August, for the last few years it has filled me with dread, this is because every year I become completely obsessed that I need to commit suicide on my birthday. It started about 4 years ago when I was extremely suicidal and the voice driving this in my mind convinced me that doing it on my birthday was the best thing all round. It would meant that then people would only have to think about me once a year, normally when someone dies we grieve for them on the day they died and their birthday, so my mind told me that I should die on my birthday to save people the trouble. Ever since it has been a huge obsession and every year as my birthday approaches it starts to niggle in the back of my mind, as the date of my birthday draws closer it gets stronger and stronger. My psychologist says that I am being 'dramatic' when I talk to her about this, so I have stopped mentioning it now.
Tomorrow I have to go over and scrub my old flat clean, I have to confess I am not really in the mood, but it needs doing. It is horrible every time I go over there as it is not my home anymore, this is my home. I cannot wait to hand back those keys and never have to set foot in that place again!!!
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Life in my new flat
Every day my new flat feels more and more like home, when I first walked in I was very overwhelmed by its size and blankness, it really was an empty shell, I was scared as to how I was going to be able to make this my home. But as I sit here now I can honestly say this is my home. Obviously my old furniture and belongings help, but it feels like my home for other reasons, I feel safe here, I feel clean here, I feel I have permission to learn to be happy here. Most of all I feel proud here, at my old flat I was embarrassed, nobody wanted to visit somewhere that was infested with rats, when they did they would ask for their mugs to be washed in boiling water before they would accept a drink, I would have to apologise for the smell of the decaying rats under my floorboards, I was not allowed to drink tap water.
I now have a flat I can show off, people want to visit and having these visitors has made me realise actually how lonely I really was.
Friday was my last appointment with my psychologist, I have been seeing her for 3 1/2 years, we have had our ups and downs, but I can truly say I love her. I am very very sad and scared to be leaving her, I rely on her, in fact I depend on her. But now I guess I am going to have to learn to cope without her. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, I am going to challenge my official diagnosis in that appointment. I am going to ask him to go through all of the criteria and show me evidence that I fit into them. I am also going to ask for my medication to be reviewed. This is my last chance to do these things as on Friday the 8th of July I am being discharged from the CMHT, I have my discharge CPA with my psychiatrist, psychologist and some bloke who is the head of something or another, my GP can't be present as he is busy, my parents are on holiday, but my sister has agreed to come to support me.
I have to confess I am very scared about being discharged, I am scared of having no one to fall back on, I am scared that there will be no one there to just keep nudging me in the right direction. My psychologist said to me on Friday that she is not dropping off the face of the earth and that I can email her and maybe we could go for a coffee, but I am sure she was just being polite in saying that. I am sure she can't wait for me to no longer be her responsibly, she has said on a number of occasions that I have put her in very awkward positions and that she has gone away from appointments scared of whether she is going to get a phone call saying I have killed myself.
Now why am I being discharged I expect you are thinking, well it isn't because I am better, it isn't because I am now safe, it isn't because I am magically cured. My psychologist said that she is discharging someone who isn't well and isn't safe, but I am not wanting to get better, I am 'therapied out'.
Lets talk about my wonderful babies, Bob and Betty are settling in extremely well, I am proud of them, it took them a while to find there feet, but they are all over the place now, exploring every corner, cupboard, draw. Bob has required an emergency trip to the vets after developing blocked anal glands, he is doing better now after having them emptied and being given anti inflammatory and painkillers. He just needs monitoring now as the poor thing developed an abscess on his bottom the last time this happened. Ben the hamster is well Ben the hamster, not really much more I can say about him! We have Boris, a new addition to the collection, he is a syrian hamster, a lot more fun than Ben as you can interact a lot more with him. We also have my family dog Molly staying for a week whilst my parents are on holiday. She is the apple of my eye (other than Bob and Betty of course!) I love having Molly here, but I don't love having to walk her at 8am!
My GP gave me back my prescription of diazepam after it was taken away as I was 'abusing' it. I am actually going to make a YouTube video about that in the next few days. I am pleased to have it back, I am trying really hard to not repeat past mistakes with it.
Right I am off to take the dog out for a wee, then bath, PJ's and bed for me!
I am glad to be back in the land of twitter, blogger and YouTube :)
I now have a flat I can show off, people want to visit and having these visitors has made me realise actually how lonely I really was.
Friday was my last appointment with my psychologist, I have been seeing her for 3 1/2 years, we have had our ups and downs, but I can truly say I love her. I am very very sad and scared to be leaving her, I rely on her, in fact I depend on her. But now I guess I am going to have to learn to cope without her. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, I am going to challenge my official diagnosis in that appointment. I am going to ask him to go through all of the criteria and show me evidence that I fit into them. I am also going to ask for my medication to be reviewed. This is my last chance to do these things as on Friday the 8th of July I am being discharged from the CMHT, I have my discharge CPA with my psychiatrist, psychologist and some bloke who is the head of something or another, my GP can't be present as he is busy, my parents are on holiday, but my sister has agreed to come to support me.
I have to confess I am very scared about being discharged, I am scared of having no one to fall back on, I am scared that there will be no one there to just keep nudging me in the right direction. My psychologist said to me on Friday that she is not dropping off the face of the earth and that I can email her and maybe we could go for a coffee, but I am sure she was just being polite in saying that. I am sure she can't wait for me to no longer be her responsibly, she has said on a number of occasions that I have put her in very awkward positions and that she has gone away from appointments scared of whether she is going to get a phone call saying I have killed myself.
Now why am I being discharged I expect you are thinking, well it isn't because I am better, it isn't because I am now safe, it isn't because I am magically cured. My psychologist said that she is discharging someone who isn't well and isn't safe, but I am not wanting to get better, I am 'therapied out'.
Lets talk about my wonderful babies, Bob and Betty are settling in extremely well, I am proud of them, it took them a while to find there feet, but they are all over the place now, exploring every corner, cupboard, draw. Bob has required an emergency trip to the vets after developing blocked anal glands, he is doing better now after having them emptied and being given anti inflammatory and painkillers. He just needs monitoring now as the poor thing developed an abscess on his bottom the last time this happened. Ben the hamster is well Ben the hamster, not really much more I can say about him! We have Boris, a new addition to the collection, he is a syrian hamster, a lot more fun than Ben as you can interact a lot more with him. We also have my family dog Molly staying for a week whilst my parents are on holiday. She is the apple of my eye (other than Bob and Betty of course!) I love having Molly here, but I don't love having to walk her at 8am!
My GP gave me back my prescription of diazepam after it was taken away as I was 'abusing' it. I am actually going to make a YouTube video about that in the next few days. I am pleased to have it back, I am trying really hard to not repeat past mistakes with it.
Right I am off to take the dog out for a wee, then bath, PJ's and bed for me!
I am glad to be back in the land of twitter, blogger and YouTube :)
Saturday, 2 July 2011
Yes I have internet
So I have finally got internet, it is only when you don't have it that you realise exactly how much you rely on it, I am so please to have it back.
My flat in beyond perfect, I cannot begin to explain how lucky I am to have been given so a wonderful place, a huge proper update is on its way, I have to confess I am so knackered to update to the extent I want to tonight, so you guys will have to wait until tomorrow!
My flat in beyond perfect, I cannot begin to explain how lucky I am to have been given so a wonderful place, a huge proper update is on its way, I have to confess I am so knackered to update to the extent I want to tonight, so you guys will have to wait until tomorrow!
Sunday, 26 June 2011
A long overdue update
Hi guys, so it has been a while, sorry about that, I still have no internet access (blame sky), I am currently at my parents stealing theirs.
I have moved, I started moving on the 13th, the sign up for the keys was a weird process, I had to sign to say I would not commit the following acts:
~prostitution
~growing illegal substances ie cannabis
~ racially abuse anyone
~physically abuse anyone
~verbally abuse anyone
~acts of anti social behaviour
It goes on, it is very odd having to sign to say you will not commit these acts on the premisses seeing as they are illegal any ways, but hey I guess they just wanted to be sure I am not selling my body whilst running a cannabis farm on the property! I also found it amusing when I had to tick my gender and there were three options, I have never had to choose between three options before and the cheeky and childish side of me desperately wanted to tick the transgender box, but in the end I stuck with female.
Walking into my new flat for the first time seeing it all completed was amazing, probably a touch over whelming, walking from room to room, seeing the magnolia walls, the complete skirting boards, the newly painted doors. The brand new just fitted kitchen and bathroom, all shiny and untouched. I spent the first hour walking around in circles saying over and over again "I can't believe this is actually mine". I was able to share this moment with my Dad and my youngest brother and that made it even more special.
Then the hard work started, days and days of walking up and down two flights of stairs from my old flat across the busy road on up two flights of stairs to my new flat. This process seemed never ending, the larger items I was helped with, but everything else I mainly did on my own. The piles in my old flat never felt like they were going down and after a few days I started to feel like this would never end. But guess what, it has, my old flat is empty, my new flat is full.
Bob and Betty spent the first day we moved at my parents, partly so they wouldn't get stressed and also so they wouldn't escape in the commotion. When I picked them up at about 8:30 pm and brought them back I was anxious as to how Bob would react, with him normally being the more anxious of the two, but it turned out Betty would be the one who would find it the most stressful. I have never seen her this way before, she was shaking, wouldn't eat or drink for 36 hours and just didn't seem happy, Bob after a few hours was off exploring, Betty refused to come out of her carrier. But now they have both settled in fine, they have picked their favourite spots to sit, they are enjoying suddenly having over double the amount of space to explore and hide. They are like they have always been here. It makes me so happy to no they are happy.
As some of you will no, I had a little bit of an accident on one of the days, I fell down the stairs outside my old flat which are metal fire escape stairs, I was being silly and in my frustration of going backwards and forwards with my stuff I tried to carry to much, it was raining, so it was slippery any ways and I decided to carry my Henry Hoover and 3 bags of clothes down the stairs. Needless to say I slipped and broke a bone in my hand. An evening in A&E later and my hand taped up I was sent home and told I needed to go to the fracture clinic on the Monday, the brake happened on Friday evening. I decided on Monday morning that I wasn't going to go to the fracture clinic, a lot of people got cross with me about this, I had my reasons, the idea of going was too stressful for me, the fracture clinic is where I have spent a lot of my time over the last four years, it is where I get sent for my follow up treatment and monitoring of my hand after all of my tendon repair operations I have had after taking self harm too far. At that clinic I have been humiliated, treated horribly and unfairly judged. I did not want to go back there and see those people, even though I wouldn't have been there after an act of self harm this time, I just couldn't bare the thought of being recognised. My hand is healing well, the bruising and swelling made it look worse than it was, I will live.
My Aunty passed away, she has been battling liver cancer, I new she was dying, but it didn't make it any easier. Also I have these intrusive and obsessive thoughts that as something good is happening for me, that means someone else is going to be punished. Normally these thoughts are focussed on my Dad, but for a brief while I did find myself wondering if I was the cause of my Aunty passing away. I no this is not true and I have been able to tell myself this. But back in the back of my mind I am scared that something is still going to happen to my Dad.
I was meant to have an appointment to see my Jaw surgeon the other day, but without any explanation it has been postponed until the beginning of September. This is annoying as I am in a lot of pain with my jaw at the moment and am finding it hard to keep this pain under control. But September it is and I have no choice in this.
The night before I got the keys to my new flat I decided that my flat going going to be purge free, I thought a new start in a new place warranted such a huge commitment. I am sorry to report I didn't even make it to the end of the first day. Self harm has been equally as poor, I have fallen right back into the same routine and I feel extremely guilty for this, I have been given this huge opportunity and I haven't really tried that much. Maybe once things have settled down then I will be able to put more effort into it, we shall see.
My mood has been fairly good, but yesterday it took a noticeable drop, today I have felt extremely low, suicidal in fact. Maybe it is the excitement wearing off, maybe it is coming to terms with the death of my Aunty, maybe it is just me being me. But If I hear the words "I thought you would be better once you got into your new place" then I am going to scream. Mental illness does not stay in your old place when you move, it follows you to the next place and you can't help but unpack it.
One thing you may find funny, on one of the trips back to my old flat, sat at the bottom of my stairs was the biggest rat I have ever seen (I have seen some pretty big ones), it was just sat by the stairs and as we walked towards it it wouldn't move, my Dad said maybe it had come to say good by. I can safely say that is one thing I am happy to be leaving behind.
I should be back online over the next few days, I miss being online, it is weird how empty by day feels without twitter, YouTube and blogger. I hope you haven't missed me to much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have moved, I started moving on the 13th, the sign up for the keys was a weird process, I had to sign to say I would not commit the following acts:
~prostitution
~growing illegal substances ie cannabis
~ racially abuse anyone
~physically abuse anyone
~verbally abuse anyone
~acts of anti social behaviour
It goes on, it is very odd having to sign to say you will not commit these acts on the premisses seeing as they are illegal any ways, but hey I guess they just wanted to be sure I am not selling my body whilst running a cannabis farm on the property! I also found it amusing when I had to tick my gender and there were three options, I have never had to choose between three options before and the cheeky and childish side of me desperately wanted to tick the transgender box, but in the end I stuck with female.
Walking into my new flat for the first time seeing it all completed was amazing, probably a touch over whelming, walking from room to room, seeing the magnolia walls, the complete skirting boards, the newly painted doors. The brand new just fitted kitchen and bathroom, all shiny and untouched. I spent the first hour walking around in circles saying over and over again "I can't believe this is actually mine". I was able to share this moment with my Dad and my youngest brother and that made it even more special.
Then the hard work started, days and days of walking up and down two flights of stairs from my old flat across the busy road on up two flights of stairs to my new flat. This process seemed never ending, the larger items I was helped with, but everything else I mainly did on my own. The piles in my old flat never felt like they were going down and after a few days I started to feel like this would never end. But guess what, it has, my old flat is empty, my new flat is full.
Bob and Betty spent the first day we moved at my parents, partly so they wouldn't get stressed and also so they wouldn't escape in the commotion. When I picked them up at about 8:30 pm and brought them back I was anxious as to how Bob would react, with him normally being the more anxious of the two, but it turned out Betty would be the one who would find it the most stressful. I have never seen her this way before, she was shaking, wouldn't eat or drink for 36 hours and just didn't seem happy, Bob after a few hours was off exploring, Betty refused to come out of her carrier. But now they have both settled in fine, they have picked their favourite spots to sit, they are enjoying suddenly having over double the amount of space to explore and hide. They are like they have always been here. It makes me so happy to no they are happy.
As some of you will no, I had a little bit of an accident on one of the days, I fell down the stairs outside my old flat which are metal fire escape stairs, I was being silly and in my frustration of going backwards and forwards with my stuff I tried to carry to much, it was raining, so it was slippery any ways and I decided to carry my Henry Hoover and 3 bags of clothes down the stairs. Needless to say I slipped and broke a bone in my hand. An evening in A&E later and my hand taped up I was sent home and told I needed to go to the fracture clinic on the Monday, the brake happened on Friday evening. I decided on Monday morning that I wasn't going to go to the fracture clinic, a lot of people got cross with me about this, I had my reasons, the idea of going was too stressful for me, the fracture clinic is where I have spent a lot of my time over the last four years, it is where I get sent for my follow up treatment and monitoring of my hand after all of my tendon repair operations I have had after taking self harm too far. At that clinic I have been humiliated, treated horribly and unfairly judged. I did not want to go back there and see those people, even though I wouldn't have been there after an act of self harm this time, I just couldn't bare the thought of being recognised. My hand is healing well, the bruising and swelling made it look worse than it was, I will live.
My Aunty passed away, she has been battling liver cancer, I new she was dying, but it didn't make it any easier. Also I have these intrusive and obsessive thoughts that as something good is happening for me, that means someone else is going to be punished. Normally these thoughts are focussed on my Dad, but for a brief while I did find myself wondering if I was the cause of my Aunty passing away. I no this is not true and I have been able to tell myself this. But back in the back of my mind I am scared that something is still going to happen to my Dad.
I was meant to have an appointment to see my Jaw surgeon the other day, but without any explanation it has been postponed until the beginning of September. This is annoying as I am in a lot of pain with my jaw at the moment and am finding it hard to keep this pain under control. But September it is and I have no choice in this.
The night before I got the keys to my new flat I decided that my flat going going to be purge free, I thought a new start in a new place warranted such a huge commitment. I am sorry to report I didn't even make it to the end of the first day. Self harm has been equally as poor, I have fallen right back into the same routine and I feel extremely guilty for this, I have been given this huge opportunity and I haven't really tried that much. Maybe once things have settled down then I will be able to put more effort into it, we shall see.
My mood has been fairly good, but yesterday it took a noticeable drop, today I have felt extremely low, suicidal in fact. Maybe it is the excitement wearing off, maybe it is coming to terms with the death of my Aunty, maybe it is just me being me. But If I hear the words "I thought you would be better once you got into your new place" then I am going to scream. Mental illness does not stay in your old place when you move, it follows you to the next place and you can't help but unpack it.
One thing you may find funny, on one of the trips back to my old flat, sat at the bottom of my stairs was the biggest rat I have ever seen (I have seen some pretty big ones), it was just sat by the stairs and as we walked towards it it wouldn't move, my Dad said maybe it had come to say good by. I can safely say that is one thing I am happy to be leaving behind.
I should be back online over the next few days, I miss being online, it is weird how empty by day feels without twitter, YouTube and blogger. I hope you haven't missed me to much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, 12 June 2011
So it is really happening
Tonight is the last night in my flat, I get the keys tomorrow to my new place (well better do any ways). I am sat on my sofa looking around over all of the boxes and bin bags full of 'stuff', where does it all come from? I have had some really good times here, but equally I have had some bloody tough times. I will always remember this place, it is engraved in my memory, but it is time to move on, move forward.
I am going to make a video of my journey from this side of the road to the other and put it on YouTube, it is an important part of my quest for recovery and so deserves a spot on my channel.
I cannot wait to take Bob and Betty over and let them free to explore their new home for the first time, I can imagine there will be a tear in my eye watching them explore. They are going to my parents for the day so that they are not to stressed by the move and so there is no chance of the door getting left open and one of them escape. I will have there scratch post and favourite beds set up ready for them, they will be fine though, I just no it.
So wish me luck, I may be offline for a while, I will be a busy bee and also it will take a few days for my internet to be installed, but will try and pop in the odd update on twitter from my phone.
I am going to make a video of my journey from this side of the road to the other and put it on YouTube, it is an important part of my quest for recovery and so deserves a spot on my channel.
I cannot wait to take Bob and Betty over and let them free to explore their new home for the first time, I can imagine there will be a tear in my eye watching them explore. They are going to my parents for the day so that they are not to stressed by the move and so there is no chance of the door getting left open and one of them escape. I will have there scratch post and favourite beds set up ready for them, they will be fine though, I just no it.
So wish me luck, I may be offline for a while, I will be a busy bee and also it will take a few days for my internet to be installed, but will try and pop in the odd update on twitter from my phone.
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
I wish I could......
I have always had this intense fear that when something good happens to me it means something bad is going to happen to someone I love, normally my Dad. When I first got the offer of my new flat, that was the first thing that popped in my head, he was going to be punished for me getting something good.
I sometimes switch this around and will hurt myself, punish myself, so that something good can happen to someone that is struggling. Now I no this isn't logical, but it just makes sense in my mind. I often think about if I wasn't here, if I killed myself, how many people could that save. I have some good friends in real life, but I have met so many amazing people online, some who struggle unbelievably. I have this deep desire to save them all, I would take all of the pain and suffering for them, I hate knowing how much they are hurting.
I sometimes switch this around and will hurt myself, punish myself, so that something good can happen to someone that is struggling. Now I no this isn't logical, but it just makes sense in my mind. I often think about if I wasn't here, if I killed myself, how many people could that save. I have some good friends in real life, but I have met so many amazing people online, some who struggle unbelievably. I have this deep desire to save them all, I would take all of the pain and suffering for them, I hate knowing how much they are hurting.
Sunday, 5 June 2011
Found a letter
Whilst sorting through all of my things packing to move I came across a letter, this letter is going to go to my next therapy session to be shown to my mother. She claims she doesn't see how I can have been ill for so long without her noticing. Well this letter was written in the beginning of 2006 and was written after I went to see a plastic surgeon, I convinced myself that I would be able to stop self harming if I had surgery to remove the scars I already had, at the time this seemed logical. I managed to get my GP to refer me to see a plastic surgeon after convincing her self harm was a thing of the past and was able to present an arm with just scars, no fresh wounds (I had started self harming on my feet). I saw a plastic surgeon and had all of my hopes pinned on him, I was almost delusional with my belief that getting rid of my scares would mean I would stop self harming. Any ways after a long wait of 6 months to see the plastic surgeon, I got my day. I remember the excitement leading up to this appointment, I even self harmed on the morning of the appointment. My friend took me, she had warned me that I shouldn't get to excited, but I was pinning everything on this appointment. He took one look at my scars and said they were probably as tidy as they were ever going to be and that there was nothing he could do to make them cosmetically better. He even congratulated me on how tidy I had made them (cheers). He left me devastated.
Any ways, he referred me to a service called the Outlook disfigurement support unit, they were a psychological service that help to teach you to live with scars after accidents etc. So I agreed, I have no idea why, but I guess maybe something inside me was finally accepting that maybe I needed help, as at this point I had still never had any professional mental health support.
So a 2 month wait later and my appointment with the clinical psychologist comes, again my friend takes me, I was bloody honest with this lady, the first time in my life I was truly honest, I didn't hold back. I regretted it though when at the end of my appointment she said she was going to break confidentiality as she was concerned for my health and safety. I begged her to not, but she went on about the duty of care blah blah blah. Confidentiality has always been a major thing for me and there she is, my first time ever opening up to anyone and she tells me she is going to break confidentiality.
So that is where the letter comes in, she wrote to the plastic surgeon and forwarded a copy to my GP, so as my Mother is calling me a liar then I am going to have to give her proof, I shouldn't have to, she should trust what I say, but she doesn't, so the letter is going to come in handy.
It reads as follows
12th January 2006
Mr T C****y
Consultant Plastic Surgeon
Frenchay Hospital
Dear Tom,
Further to your referral I met with Miss R*****t for assessment on the 9th January. As Miss R*****t and I discussed her difficulties, it became apparent that she is still using self-harm as a way of coping with her difficult feelings. She is drinking, sometimes quite extremely and could only remember one alcohol free day in the recent past.
Miss R*****t was reluctant for me to write back to you with any detail about the content of our discussion and I agreed to keep my letter short. However, I have said to her that I am concerned about her ability to manage emotionally and have asked her to consider going to her GP to discuss options for appropriate support. I think it is unlikely that she will do so and I have also given her a phone number for a self-help group for people who self injure.
I have not planned to see Miss R*****t again, as she is obviously not at the point where working specifically on her psychological management of her scars would be appropriate. I hope this is helpful.
Best Wishes
Dr Natty T*****l
Clinical Psychologist
So my Mother who claims that there is no way I could have been ill until 2008 can fuck off.
Any ways, he referred me to a service called the Outlook disfigurement support unit, they were a psychological service that help to teach you to live with scars after accidents etc. So I agreed, I have no idea why, but I guess maybe something inside me was finally accepting that maybe I needed help, as at this point I had still never had any professional mental health support.
So a 2 month wait later and my appointment with the clinical psychologist comes, again my friend takes me, I was bloody honest with this lady, the first time in my life I was truly honest, I didn't hold back. I regretted it though when at the end of my appointment she said she was going to break confidentiality as she was concerned for my health and safety. I begged her to not, but she went on about the duty of care blah blah blah. Confidentiality has always been a major thing for me and there she is, my first time ever opening up to anyone and she tells me she is going to break confidentiality.
So that is where the letter comes in, she wrote to the plastic surgeon and forwarded a copy to my GP, so as my Mother is calling me a liar then I am going to have to give her proof, I shouldn't have to, she should trust what I say, but she doesn't, so the letter is going to come in handy.
It reads as follows
12th January 2006
Mr T C****y
Consultant Plastic Surgeon
Frenchay Hospital
Dear Tom,
Further to your referral I met with Miss R*****t for assessment on the 9th January. As Miss R*****t and I discussed her difficulties, it became apparent that she is still using self-harm as a way of coping with her difficult feelings. She is drinking, sometimes quite extremely and could only remember one alcohol free day in the recent past.
Miss R*****t was reluctant for me to write back to you with any detail about the content of our discussion and I agreed to keep my letter short. However, I have said to her that I am concerned about her ability to manage emotionally and have asked her to consider going to her GP to discuss options for appropriate support. I think it is unlikely that she will do so and I have also given her a phone number for a self-help group for people who self injure.
I have not planned to see Miss R*****t again, as she is obviously not at the point where working specifically on her psychological management of her scars would be appropriate. I hope this is helpful.
Best Wishes
Dr Natty T*****l
Clinical Psychologist
So my Mother who claims that there is no way I could have been ill until 2008 can fuck off.
Don't you just love life
Been a busy and draining few days physically and mentally. Lets start at my second therapy session with my Mother on Friday. It was laughable, I am very much a person that has to laugh sometimes as otherwise I will cry, I did both in the appointment. My mother was lest with the task from the previous session of considering getting individual counselling for herself. Her answer was a definite no, she says she doesn't see why she needs it, there is nothing wrong with her, she dealt with her issues a long time ago and I have no right to ask her to bring them up again.
Next up for discussion once again was the fact that from birth I new how to push my mothers buttons, apparently the others always new when to stop, but I always took it too far and new how to get at her (remember we are talking about from birth). This is no new news, I have been told this more than I can remember, but hey it is always nice to be reminded right?
We then decided to talk about that fact that 'professionals' apparently told my mother from when I was a young age that I would never amount to anything and would never be very bright, so that is why my mother felt the need to tell me that it didn't matter that I wasn't intelligent whilst I was growing up, but that instead I would make a good house wife.
We talked a lot about the fact that I have always had a extremely close relationship with my younger brothers and my Dad, my psychologist pointed out the fact that my Mother seemed very jealous of this, my mother denied this.
The thing that hurt the most was when my decided to say that she doesn't believe that I have been unwell for as long as I have been, her words were 'I just don't see it' 'I would have known'.
At the end of the session I told them that I no longer wanted to continue with therapy with my mother, I was told that I was giving up because it was tough, so we have agreed to carry on, so I can't wait to see where this leads.
I spent the day with my sister yesterday, she wanted to shop for a new dress to wear to her birthday, I am not the most patient shopper in the world, I tend to buy what I need and get out of there, my sister on the other hand loves shopping and will do it for hours. We talked about our Mother a lot, she told me that our Mother has been talking to her about our sessions, what my sister said just confirmed what I already new, my Mother really does believe she is innocent in all of this, someone else is to blame for everything.
Any ways, self harm has been scary, food has been restricted, weight is dropping. My move date has been moved back to the 13th of June now, but hey ho that's life.
Next up for discussion once again was the fact that from birth I new how to push my mothers buttons, apparently the others always new when to stop, but I always took it too far and new how to get at her (remember we are talking about from birth). This is no new news, I have been told this more than I can remember, but hey it is always nice to be reminded right?
We then decided to talk about that fact that 'professionals' apparently told my mother from when I was a young age that I would never amount to anything and would never be very bright, so that is why my mother felt the need to tell me that it didn't matter that I wasn't intelligent whilst I was growing up, but that instead I would make a good house wife.
We talked a lot about the fact that I have always had a extremely close relationship with my younger brothers and my Dad, my psychologist pointed out the fact that my Mother seemed very jealous of this, my mother denied this.
The thing that hurt the most was when my decided to say that she doesn't believe that I have been unwell for as long as I have been, her words were 'I just don't see it' 'I would have known'.
At the end of the session I told them that I no longer wanted to continue with therapy with my mother, I was told that I was giving up because it was tough, so we have agreed to carry on, so I can't wait to see where this leads.
I spent the day with my sister yesterday, she wanted to shop for a new dress to wear to her birthday, I am not the most patient shopper in the world, I tend to buy what I need and get out of there, my sister on the other hand loves shopping and will do it for hours. We talked about our Mother a lot, she told me that our Mother has been talking to her about our sessions, what my sister said just confirmed what I already new, my Mother really does believe she is innocent in all of this, someone else is to blame for everything.
Any ways, self harm has been scary, food has been restricted, weight is dropping. My move date has been moved back to the 13th of June now, but hey ho that's life.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
I am such an idiot
So as I am writing this I am once again sat in hospital waiting to be stitched up,it is the third time this week I have been sat here, the nurses are getting fed up with me, I am fed up with me.
I have my second therapy appointment with my mother tomorrow, it is going to be the last, I am not going to put myself through a week like this again, I do care what my psychologist or my mother says, it is not working and isn't ever going to. Some relationships cannot be fixed and that is the way it is with this relationship. I am not sitting there for another hour listening to my mother blaming everyone other than herself for HER failings as a mother.
My dad will be angry as he really wants my mother and I to work things out, but do you no what I have realised, I am an adult, if I don't want to like my mother then I don't have to.
I have requested an appointment with my psychiatrist as I want to try different medication. I am not going to just sit quietly and be told what to do any more, I want an input in my final few weeks with the CMHT, I want things in order before I am discharged.
Ben the hamster bit me for the first time today, Bob and Betty are being really cute, I think they think all of the boxes that are around my flat for packing to move with are for them to play in, at least they are happy.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Official countdown
So the official countdown has started to moving, I have been holding back allowing myself to get to excited until the first of June, so now that it is here I can shout it from the roof tops
10 DAYS UNTIL I MOVE
My flat is a bombsite and I hate it, I am a very organised person, things have their place and that is the way I like to keep it, I have always for as long as I can remember made my bed every day, the curtains have to be drawn a certain way etc. It is horrible now that I am packing, mess every where, boxes, bin bags, junk AHHHH. But I am trying to remember how much fun it will be putting everything in its new places in my new flat. The stress is going to be worth it.
Food has been extremely restricted, have to confess it is feeling really good, I no it is wrong, but I think it is my way of coping with the the mess and stress of moving. Self harm, well its bad, I don't really want to go into many more details, mainly because there is no point and also because I am embarrassed as to how bad I have let it again. I am trying very hard to not take it to the extreme that I could so easily do.
Therapy with the mother again on Friday, she has already told me that she may be late as she has a appointment for a mammogram, I am kind of hoping her appointment really over runs and she doesn't make it at all, lets keep our fingers crossed!
Bob and Betty are not liking all of the boxes being around, they seem very stressed about it all, soon though they are going to have a nice new home to explore :)
10 DAYS UNTIL I MOVE
My flat is a bombsite and I hate it, I am a very organised person, things have their place and that is the way I like to keep it, I have always for as long as I can remember made my bed every day, the curtains have to be drawn a certain way etc. It is horrible now that I am packing, mess every where, boxes, bin bags, junk AHHHH. But I am trying to remember how much fun it will be putting everything in its new places in my new flat. The stress is going to be worth it.
Food has been extremely restricted, have to confess it is feeling really good, I no it is wrong, but I think it is my way of coping with the the mess and stress of moving. Self harm, well its bad, I don't really want to go into many more details, mainly because there is no point and also because I am embarrassed as to how bad I have let it again. I am trying very hard to not take it to the extreme that I could so easily do.
Therapy with the mother again on Friday, she has already told me that she may be late as she has a appointment for a mammogram, I am kind of hoping her appointment really over runs and she doesn't make it at all, lets keep our fingers crossed!
Bob and Betty are not liking all of the boxes being around, they seem very stressed about it all, soon though they are going to have a nice new home to explore :)
Monday, 30 May 2011
Video
My latest YouTube video is on a topic close to my heart as it has affected my Dad and several of my friends, I have seen the devastation from both angles. Check it out :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCYXTOhQIh0
I binged yesterday, First time in weeks, I feel gutted and unfortunately have felt the need to punish myself for my failings.
My self harm is getting extremely out of hand, I hate to be graphic, but one of the wounds I made even shocked me. The trouble is I am completely obsessed and by obsessed I mean unbelievably completely and utterly obsessed with wanting to cut deep into my wrist again, we all no what that means for me, when I get obsessed with this thought it normally ends in extensive tendon damage requiring surgical repair, which is not what I want. But I cannot stop obsessing about it. I want to feel that pain, that suffering, I want to be repulsed by what I have done. I scare myself sometimes, if you could see the images I have in my head, the day dreams I go into, if you just new the true extent of what I want to do to myself.
I truly am sick in the head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCYXTOhQIh0
I binged yesterday, First time in weeks, I feel gutted and unfortunately have felt the need to punish myself for my failings.
My self harm is getting extremely out of hand, I hate to be graphic, but one of the wounds I made even shocked me. The trouble is I am completely obsessed and by obsessed I mean unbelievably completely and utterly obsessed with wanting to cut deep into my wrist again, we all no what that means for me, when I get obsessed with this thought it normally ends in extensive tendon damage requiring surgical repair, which is not what I want. But I cannot stop obsessing about it. I want to feel that pain, that suffering, I want to be repulsed by what I have done. I scare myself sometimes, if you could see the images I have in my head, the day dreams I go into, if you just new the true extent of what I want to do to myself.
I truly am sick in the head.
Friday, 27 May 2011
Therapy with the Mother
Today was therapy with my Mother. Well lets just say she showed her true colours. It started with how bad I made her feel after last weeks appointment with the whole family. Apparently I made out like my Dad was perfect and that she was rubbish, she went away feeling like the whole meeting was to have a dig at her. She started telling me all of the ways my Dad has let her down as she wants me to see that my Dad isn't perfect.
Then she moved on to the fact that I should except that she will always love my older brother more than me as he is special. My psychologist asked if she meant because he was her first born and is that what she means. My Mother proceeded to say that it wasn't because he is her first born, it is because he is special, apparently the love she feels for him hurts, that when my Dad used to tell him off it was like a knife through her heart, but it didn't feel the same for the rest of us. She then went on to say that there are some things about her children that she loves and some things about them that she doesn't like, it just so happens to be that there are a lot more things about me that she doesn't like and I should accept that.
Then we moved on to the wetting myself thing. Apparently that whole thing was caused by my Dad, apparently he wanted to start toilet training me when I wasn't ready, so that was why I had so many problems in that area, so it wasn't in any way my Mothers fault, it was my Dads.
Now we get to the present day, apparently I am unfair to her as when ever I ring the house I ask to speak to my Dad and not her, that makes her feel left out and upsets her.
Oh well, I guess next week will be just as productive.
Then she moved on to the fact that I should except that she will always love my older brother more than me as he is special. My psychologist asked if she meant because he was her first born and is that what she means. My Mother proceeded to say that it wasn't because he is her first born, it is because he is special, apparently the love she feels for him hurts, that when my Dad used to tell him off it was like a knife through her heart, but it didn't feel the same for the rest of us. She then went on to say that there are some things about her children that she loves and some things about them that she doesn't like, it just so happens to be that there are a lot more things about me that she doesn't like and I should accept that.
Then we moved on to the wetting myself thing. Apparently that whole thing was caused by my Dad, apparently he wanted to start toilet training me when I wasn't ready, so that was why I had so many problems in that area, so it wasn't in any way my Mothers fault, it was my Dads.
Now we get to the present day, apparently I am unfair to her as when ever I ring the house I ask to speak to my Dad and not her, that makes her feel left out and upsets her.
Oh well, I guess next week will be just as productive.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Feeling good
Yes that is right, I am feeling good. I have been busy the last few days, well busy for me any ways, I am shattered, but feel like I have been achieving something the last few days. I have not self harmed for nearly a week, I have have not been doing too good food wise, have been eating about 800 calories, but have been purging several times a day. I need to break this habit.
I am already getting anxious about the therapy with my Mother on Friday, each day that goes by feels me with dread as I know it is a day closer to being Friday. She was creepily nice to me last night, calling me 'pudding', if you no my Mother you would no that that is just weird. My Dad has said that her mood has been a lot better this week, apparently she has been nicer to everyone. Is this because she has realised how badly she has treated us all of these years and is genuinely trying to make up for it or is this because she is trying to show that she is a good mother so that in my appointment on Friday she can go on about how wonderful she has been all week. Excuse me for being so sceptical but I am expecting it to be the latter of the two, I have lived with her mind games all of my life and just don't trust her.
Now that I have seen my new flat inside I am finding the wait almost unbearable. I can't really remember what it looked like inside any more (my shit memory) only that it has black work tops in the kitchen. Should hopefully be the 10th of June that I move still.
Bob is doing really well with his new behaviour plan, he has stopped trying to wake me up in the mornings, has started using his litter tray really well and has stopped whining all of the time for attention. Betty is as good as gold as always.
I am enjoying being more stable in my mood and am going to try and make the most of it for now. I actually had this weird foreign thought earlier that maybe I do deserve to be happy.
I am already getting anxious about the therapy with my Mother on Friday, each day that goes by feels me with dread as I know it is a day closer to being Friday. She was creepily nice to me last night, calling me 'pudding', if you no my Mother you would no that that is just weird. My Dad has said that her mood has been a lot better this week, apparently she has been nicer to everyone. Is this because she has realised how badly she has treated us all of these years and is genuinely trying to make up for it or is this because she is trying to show that she is a good mother so that in my appointment on Friday she can go on about how wonderful she has been all week. Excuse me for being so sceptical but I am expecting it to be the latter of the two, I have lived with her mind games all of my life and just don't trust her.
Now that I have seen my new flat inside I am finding the wait almost unbearable. I can't really remember what it looked like inside any more (my shit memory) only that it has black work tops in the kitchen. Should hopefully be the 10th of June that I move still.
Bob is doing really well with his new behaviour plan, he has stopped trying to wake me up in the mornings, has started using his litter tray really well and has stopped whining all of the time for attention. Betty is as good as gold as always.
I am enjoying being more stable in my mood and am going to try and make the most of it for now. I actually had this weird foreign thought earlier that maybe I do deserve to be happy.
Monday, 23 May 2011
Viewed my new flat :)
I went to see my new flat today, I am speechless, I nearly cried. It is beautiful, I cannot believe it is for me. You go in the main door and up 2 flights of stairs to the top floor, you go in my front door in to a square hall way, coming off the hall way are the 2 bedrooms, lounge and bathroom and a huge storage cupboard, you go through the lounge to get to the kitchen. They are in the process of fitting the new kitchen and bathroom, the kitchen is a modern kitchen with black worktops and modern cupboards with silver handles. I am picturing it now, walking through it in my mind. It doesn't shake like my flat does and best of all it doesn't have rats :)
Sunday, 22 May 2011
You don't have to love your mother
When I first started therapy with my psychologist I was a very angry person. I was angry for a lot of reasons, but mainly I was angry at myself, I was angry because I didn't love my mother and I thought that this made me a bad person. I thought that no matter what you should love your mother, than it was something that shouldn't ever be questioned, every one should love their mother, I didn't.
My closest friend lost her mother to breast cancer, they were very close, she was devastated. I felt an intense feelings of guilt that I still had a mother, I just didn't love her. My psychologist spent a lot of time explaining to me that she lost a mother that deserved her love, I should not feel guilty for not loving mine.
The truth is I feel sorry for my mother, she really has problems, more than was explained in my blog post yesterday. I mentioned at the beginning of yesterdays post that she has mental health problems too, well obviously postnatal depression is a mental health problems in its self, but my psychologist is convinced my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder, I agree.
We grew up under the constant threat that she was going to leave, sometimes she would, she would get up and take the youngest baby with her and go. I remember one night she and my Dad argued and she left taking one of the babies with her, I was scared, not because she had left, but scared because it was thundering and lightening outside and I thought my baby brother was going to get struck by lightening. I didn't mind when she left, infact I liked it, it meant my Dad had to stay at home, it meant that I could relax. But she would always come back.
My Mother very much bullied my Dad, my Dad is a very passive kind of person, he would rarely argue back, he would do as much as possible to keep the peace. My Mother was cruel to my dad, especially in front of us. She would talk about him in front of us to her friends, she would tall them how pathetic he was, useless he was, how much she hated him. She could get where she wanted with him and if she didn't she would threaten to leave.
After the birth of her 5th baby my mother wanted my Dad to get the snip, my Dad didn't want to, they didn't want more children, but my Dad didn't want to have an operation. My Mother would taunt him about it, say how weak he was. We would be in town with my mother and she would bump into a friend, she would tell her friend about her weak pathetic husband who was too scared to get the snip. After a year of this taunting my Dad agreed to get it done. When you want the snip in the UK you have to sign the consent with your wife, you cannot do it without your wife's permission. My mother had bullied my Dad into getting it done, they went together to see the doctor, they both signed the consent forms. On the morning of the operation my Mother told my Dad that if he went ahead and got it done she would divorce him. Feeling very confused my Dad went ahead and got it done, when he got home my Mother had already packed his bags, she had sat us all down and told us that Dad was leaving, we all cried. I remember my Dad saying good bye on the drive way, I remember my Mother sitting in the house, refusing to tell us why our Dad was leaving.
My Dad was allowed back a month later after he had had the vasectomy reversed. It was never mentioned again.
I developed an almost obsession with protecting my Dad. I felt I needed to take the pain for him, protect him from the stress of my Mother, so this became my aim and still happens a lot today. I adore my Dad and my psychologist says I sometimes idolise him too much.
Through out the years my Mother has done other things to manipulate the family and people around her. She has had several cancer scares, she has smoked 20 a day for most of her life. When she started having trouble with her voice and the doctor found a lump on her vocal cords, my Mother sat us all down and told us that she had cancer. Now I no that every one always tends to think the worst in these kind of situations, you find a lump and think the worst, but she told us, her children, that she had cancer, not that it could be cancer or their was a chance she had cancer, she told us she HAD cancer. For two weeks our house was a living hell, my Mother used this to her full advantage. I remember scrubbing the bathroom for her, wanting to please her, my Mother was dying and I hadn't loved her. It had to be my fault, it was my fault and I had to make up for it, I had to make up for killing my Mother. It turned out to be scaring on her vocal cords, probably caused by shouting to much.
A few years later we went through another cancer scare, my Mother started having trouble with her bowels, she had an endoscopy, they found some polyps. This time we were told cancer was a possibility, rather than 'I have cancer'. The results came back that they were benign, my Dad went with her to get the results. My Mother did not tell people the truth, she continued to tell the people at work she had cancer. Cards and gifts would arrive my sick Mother. But the worst was still to come, 4 months after finding out she did not have cancer my sister came to me, she was very upset and said she had something to tell me. She told me how our Mother had been lying to the family all of this time and that she was the only on that new the truth and that after 4 months of being the only one our Mother had been able to trust with the information that she just couldn't cope with it alone. She told me that our Mother did have cancer and that she had been keeping it from us because she didn't want to hurt us. I new this wasn't true, my Dad had been with my Mother when she got the results, she had had no treatment, she just didn't have cancer I new she didn't. I pointed these facts out to my sister and as soon as I did my sister new too that my Mother has been lying. My sister and I spent days deciding what to do, should we confront her, should we tell my Dad, should we just stay quiet. We decided on the last option, we did not want to hurt my Dad, there was no point in confronting my Mother, she would just lie her way out of it. Still to this day my sister and I have just left it. My psychologist wanted to bring it up in the meeting the other day, I said it was off limits, I do not ever want to hurt my Dad with this information. Maybe we will discuss it in the appointments my Mother is going to be coming to over the month, maybe not. I still do not no if I could bare to see her try and explain it.
Back at the end of last summer my Mother turned up at my flat, she told me that she was leaving my Dad, I had heard this so many times before, I just switch off to it. But this time seemed different, she seemed so sure, she told me that she was going to leave when my youngest brother turned 16, which is this summer. I felt happy, happy because this time I thought she was finally going to do it and although I new it would hurt my Dad I new I would be strong enough now to help him, to protect him the best I could. I have been counting down the months, weeks, days.
About an hour ago I found out that on Friday her work colleges bought her a bunch of flowers as she had been so upset the day before after my appointment that she attended, I can only imagine what she told them, probably how upset she is as she has a sick daughter, how it breaks her heart to see me struggle so much.
My Mother shows classic symptoms of having a personality disorder, my biggest fear is that I will become her, maybe that is why I have taken such a long time to accept I have mental health problems. I almost feel a huge sense of pity towards my Mother, she had it tough as a child, she blatantly is ill. But she has hurt me so much, she has hurt my whole family.
My closest friend lost her mother to breast cancer, they were very close, she was devastated. I felt an intense feelings of guilt that I still had a mother, I just didn't love her. My psychologist spent a lot of time explaining to me that she lost a mother that deserved her love, I should not feel guilty for not loving mine.
The truth is I feel sorry for my mother, she really has problems, more than was explained in my blog post yesterday. I mentioned at the beginning of yesterdays post that she has mental health problems too, well obviously postnatal depression is a mental health problems in its self, but my psychologist is convinced my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder, I agree.
We grew up under the constant threat that she was going to leave, sometimes she would, she would get up and take the youngest baby with her and go. I remember one night she and my Dad argued and she left taking one of the babies with her, I was scared, not because she had left, but scared because it was thundering and lightening outside and I thought my baby brother was going to get struck by lightening. I didn't mind when she left, infact I liked it, it meant my Dad had to stay at home, it meant that I could relax. But she would always come back.
My Mother very much bullied my Dad, my Dad is a very passive kind of person, he would rarely argue back, he would do as much as possible to keep the peace. My Mother was cruel to my dad, especially in front of us. She would talk about him in front of us to her friends, she would tall them how pathetic he was, useless he was, how much she hated him. She could get where she wanted with him and if she didn't she would threaten to leave.
After the birth of her 5th baby my mother wanted my Dad to get the snip, my Dad didn't want to, they didn't want more children, but my Dad didn't want to have an operation. My Mother would taunt him about it, say how weak he was. We would be in town with my mother and she would bump into a friend, she would tell her friend about her weak pathetic husband who was too scared to get the snip. After a year of this taunting my Dad agreed to get it done. When you want the snip in the UK you have to sign the consent with your wife, you cannot do it without your wife's permission. My mother had bullied my Dad into getting it done, they went together to see the doctor, they both signed the consent forms. On the morning of the operation my Mother told my Dad that if he went ahead and got it done she would divorce him. Feeling very confused my Dad went ahead and got it done, when he got home my Mother had already packed his bags, she had sat us all down and told us that Dad was leaving, we all cried. I remember my Dad saying good bye on the drive way, I remember my Mother sitting in the house, refusing to tell us why our Dad was leaving.
My Dad was allowed back a month later after he had had the vasectomy reversed. It was never mentioned again.
I developed an almost obsession with protecting my Dad. I felt I needed to take the pain for him, protect him from the stress of my Mother, so this became my aim and still happens a lot today. I adore my Dad and my psychologist says I sometimes idolise him too much.
Through out the years my Mother has done other things to manipulate the family and people around her. She has had several cancer scares, she has smoked 20 a day for most of her life. When she started having trouble with her voice and the doctor found a lump on her vocal cords, my Mother sat us all down and told us that she had cancer. Now I no that every one always tends to think the worst in these kind of situations, you find a lump and think the worst, but she told us, her children, that she had cancer, not that it could be cancer or their was a chance she had cancer, she told us she HAD cancer. For two weeks our house was a living hell, my Mother used this to her full advantage. I remember scrubbing the bathroom for her, wanting to please her, my Mother was dying and I hadn't loved her. It had to be my fault, it was my fault and I had to make up for it, I had to make up for killing my Mother. It turned out to be scaring on her vocal cords, probably caused by shouting to much.
A few years later we went through another cancer scare, my Mother started having trouble with her bowels, she had an endoscopy, they found some polyps. This time we were told cancer was a possibility, rather than 'I have cancer'. The results came back that they were benign, my Dad went with her to get the results. My Mother did not tell people the truth, she continued to tell the people at work she had cancer. Cards and gifts would arrive my sick Mother. But the worst was still to come, 4 months after finding out she did not have cancer my sister came to me, she was very upset and said she had something to tell me. She told me how our Mother had been lying to the family all of this time and that she was the only on that new the truth and that after 4 months of being the only one our Mother had been able to trust with the information that she just couldn't cope with it alone. She told me that our Mother did have cancer and that she had been keeping it from us because she didn't want to hurt us. I new this wasn't true, my Dad had been with my Mother when she got the results, she had had no treatment, she just didn't have cancer I new she didn't. I pointed these facts out to my sister and as soon as I did my sister new too that my Mother has been lying. My sister and I spent days deciding what to do, should we confront her, should we tell my Dad, should we just stay quiet. We decided on the last option, we did not want to hurt my Dad, there was no point in confronting my Mother, she would just lie her way out of it. Still to this day my sister and I have just left it. My psychologist wanted to bring it up in the meeting the other day, I said it was off limits, I do not ever want to hurt my Dad with this information. Maybe we will discuss it in the appointments my Mother is going to be coming to over the month, maybe not. I still do not no if I could bare to see her try and explain it.
Back at the end of last summer my Mother turned up at my flat, she told me that she was leaving my Dad, I had heard this so many times before, I just switch off to it. But this time seemed different, she seemed so sure, she told me that she was going to leave when my youngest brother turned 16, which is this summer. I felt happy, happy because this time I thought she was finally going to do it and although I new it would hurt my Dad I new I would be strong enough now to help him, to protect him the best I could. I have been counting down the months, weeks, days.
About an hour ago I found out that on Friday her work colleges bought her a bunch of flowers as she had been so upset the day before after my appointment that she attended, I can only imagine what she told them, probably how upset she is as she has a sick daughter, how it breaks her heart to see me struggle so much.
My Mother shows classic symptoms of having a personality disorder, my biggest fear is that I will become her, maybe that is why I have taken such a long time to accept I have mental health problems. I almost feel a huge sense of pity towards my Mother, she had it tough as a child, she blatantly is ill. But she has hurt me so much, she has hurt my whole family.
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