Tired of trying so hard

I feel so low, I am really struggling. I have tried so hard to keep everything together, but I can't. I physically don't no what to do any more.

A friend came around earlier to pick something up and I burst into tears on three occasions. I felt so pathetic, why am I crying?

I am still angry at myself after yesterdays binge, so have stuck to 136 calories. At least that is one thing I can control.

I really wish someone could rescue me, please somebody, save me.

Binged

I am so angry at myself, I binged really badly today, I caved in to my mind and did what it has been wanting me to do for weeks. It started with a chocolate cornflake cake, as soon as I had given in to that I just thought sod it and ate a mars ice cream, two chocolate bars, and a bag of doritos. Now I no that isn't exactly the worlds biggest binge, but when you have been sticking to 200 calories a day, it just felt devastating. So of course, what comes after a binge? Purge.

As I was purging I felt so disgusted with my self, I had been so strong and then here I am, reduced to doing the thing I had hoped I had got away from. But nope, here I am leaning over the toilet.

I can't believe I let myself down so badly. I am a failure.

Last night I self harmed, this evening is my first evening without my babysitter. I want to proove to myself that I can cope on my own, so even though I feel like shit, I am determined not to self harm.

Maybe I can achieve that one thing today atleast.

I am exhausted

I am exhausted, my body hurts, my mind hurts, I hurt all over. I am so tired of trying so hard all of the time, I never get any where, I always end up back of the beginning, maybe my life is on a repeat.

I want to be well for my family and friends, I want to be able to do it for them. I do not want to be responsible for so much worry and pain all of the time. My family are going on holiday next week and I want them to go away with out having to worry about me. So I try so hard to show them I am OK, but it is exhausting.

Went 10 calories over my 200 limit today, so that just adds to my stress, I managed not to purge, even thought the urge was unbelievable. I feel so angry at myself for being so weak and going over my limit.

Nearly binged

Today has been a struggle in more ways than one.

First of the the urge to binge has been unbearable today, it has felt like every where I have looked there has been so many things I have just wanted to eat. But I am pleased to say that I resisted, I stuck to my usual restriction of under 200 calories. I am going to say the same thing as I always say, I no it isn't good for my recovery, but I am too tired to think about that at the moment.

The urge to self harm has been unbearable today, I just cannot stop my mind racing about it. I think it is a good thing I still have my babysitter as I really think I could do a lot of damage to myself at the moment.

I think I am exhausted of trying so hard all of the time and never seeming to get anywhere. I wish someone else could borrow my body and mind, get it better for me and then give me back my fixed body and mind.

Please somebody make me better.

Panic over lunch

Today my Mum wanted me and her to spend the day together, the immediate panic that pops into my head is lunch. Spending the day together normally involves that dreadful word and the panic that ran through me was unbelievable.

How can I be so scared of something that is so normal to every one else. Luckily my Mum had lunch and I had a diet coke and my Mum didn't even question it this time.

I miss being able to enjoy things like lunch with friends and family, at the moment anything to do with food involves a series of lies and excuses. That is probably the thing I hate about ED's, the amount of lying that your life becomes.

I am still being babysat, although I have self harmed once, as I have been left on my own for a few hours today. But the pressure inside of me has been unbearable and I actually purposely made it so I would be alone so I could do it, which I am not proud of.

Still unable to go over 200 calories, since the 2nd of July I have lost 1 stone and 2 pounds. I no it is wrong, but it feels so right at the same time.

Letting down my voluntary jobs

I spend my life letting people down and today proved it. I have two voluntary jobs which I love. But I am not well enough to go at the moment, I have tried week after week all of this month, but just get so panicked by it. They are only three hours a week each, how hard is that?

I feel really pathetic, I am sure any one else would be able to manage, but not me. I am tired of being such a looser. But I am too tired and feeling too low to do anything about it.

I still have my baby sitter looking after me, so at least I am safe for now. But part of me wishes they weren't here, so that I could cut, just to slow down my racing mind for a little bit.

Still sticking just under 200 calories, there is no way I could go over, I would have to purge if I did.

Not safe

Things are not going well at all, I was going to go and stay at my parents for a few days for my safety and to stop my family worrying, but in the end managed to negotiate, so instead one of my brothers in going to come stay with me. I think it is the best all round as I can be safer for a few days and my family don't need to worry.

I am still really struggling with food, not going above 200 calories, it terrifies me to even think of going over that amount.

Am hoping the crisis team will contact my psychologist tomorrow to arrange more support for me, as I cannot keep going the way I am.

Bob and Betty are being really sweet, I think they definitely pick up on when I am not well.