My mood has been a bit all over the place, as a sit here now I feel very low, tearful, fed up, but earlier I was happy, chatting away to my Dad about how I am trying my best at recovery. We ate a meal together and I actually was the one that instigated it, I no, hard to believe, I instigated a meal. I think I was just desperate to make my Dad happy, at the moment my family is literally falling apart, I wanted to give my Dad a little bit of hope. Seeing how happy my Dad was was amazing, it also made me feel kind of powerful, I guess knowing I had the power to make him that little bit happier, does that make me evil?
Any ways, I was determined I was not going to purge, I was more determined than I have been in a long time, I new that my Dad wouldn't no, but I new I would no that I had let him down. But I failed, as soon as my Dad dropped me home I succumbed to the temptation to rid myself of the heaviness sitting in my stomach. I now feel like such a failure, this one thing that should be so simple and I couldn't even do it for the one person I love most in the world.
Self harm has been bad the last few days, but at the moment I seem to have given up caring about that. I only ever feel I am able to fight one thing at a time, at the moment food needs to be my priority.
My tattoo is healing up well, I really love it, although most of my family don't, but the phrase has no meaning to them and to be honest I hope it never does have a meaning to them.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Huggs Beautiful......
ReplyDeleteFighting one thing at once is enough......it is hard enough finding the energy to fight one thing never mind anymre. You are doing your best and that is all you can do.
Take Care
Much Love
x x x
Moods can and do go up and down, with - or without - "reason". Maybe that's not *too* much to worry about ... at least in and of itself, anyway.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, power? Evil? Naw, it's all about how it's used. Power to make someone happy? Anyone have that "power" over you? In any case, doesn't that only work if one lets them? Isn't most of that from inside, and not from what someone else does or doesn't do to or for someone? Only works if you let 'em?
Well, ... purging's not good, but eating well and purging is better than starving or (severely) restricting. How goes progress on getting the regular calorie and nutrition intake up? From what I've heard and read, etc., probably ought to be around 2,000 kcal/day ... under 1,000 kcal/day and brain doesn't get enough fuel to reasonably work at recovery ... takes about 600 kcal/day just to maintain a coma, and less than that and one quickly wastes away. So, ... how goes that, and what are the biggest "obstacles" that may still need to be cleared/"fixed" to get that working reasonably?
And no, you're not a failure ... so you've got some problems/issues ... who doesn't? If one peeks close enough or digs deeply enough, I bet most folks have at least some problem(s)/issue(s) ... or at least certainly had or will have.
Fighting the urge to purge? Well, it isn't necessarily that simple.
Self-harm? Well, sure, something to work on too, ... but, if more recently - certainly in the past months, or so, ... the eating disorder stuff has been more life-threatening than the self-harm, ... well, ... can't always fix everything at precisely the same time, ... so, ... perhaps quite appropriate to prioritize getting the eating to be reasonable and regular, and perhaps not be *quite* as concerned about the self-harm?
Not everyone will understand a tattoo ... not really a big deal - it's really mostly about what it means to *you*, and if you like it and such. I bet *most* tattoos on folks aren't understood or well understood by most other folks that see them. Even if they have some rough idea of what it is or is about, most of the time they'll have little to no understanding of the particular interest and significance to the person having that tattoo.