I am feeling anxious already, tomorrow I have a day out with my Mum arranged, this is going to be hard for a number of reasons, but I have to go.
My Mum is a massive trigger for me, obviously not intentionally, but a lot of my problems are linked to my relationship with my Mum, so a whole day with her is a scary prospect. Also of course, a day out involves lunch, something that fills me with fear and dread. Also I get very tired at the moment, so long days out are not really my cup of tea, an hour in town is enough to wipe me out and require a long nap to get over it. So as you can imagine, I am not really looking forward to tomorrow.
My appointment with my psychologist yesterday was, hmm let me think of a word, exhausting I guess. I hate at the moment that I have little say over my care/treatment. My psychologist is breaking my confidentiality by writing something to my doctor that I have specifically have asked her not to, she gave me the talk about how she can break confidentially if she is concerned etc, which I know. But I hate that I don't have the power any more is decide things myself. I think as with everything, me being in control is a big issue for me and at the moment I feel like bit by bit I am having the control taken away.
Any ways, my arm is a mess, I didn't get stitches in a particular wound on my wrist that really needed them, so it is a open gaping wound, but the humiliation of going back to the hospital is something I do not want to bear any time soon, so it will have to heal by itself.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
I think mummies are better than Dracula and Frankenstein. Huh. Oh, ... *those* kind. Uhm, ... yeah, they're generally better too. Well, ... if Mum's massive trigger, and it's massive day with Mum, and thus(?) massive trigger day, maybe the days after are *much easier* and less triggering then? So, ... make and survive it - maybe even quite "okay" or better - with "massive" day with Mum, then after that maybe it's much easier - and less triggering, or not particularly triggering at all after that - at least by comparison.
ReplyDeleteMmmmm, lunch, nice meal, handy for, among other things, keeping breakfast and dinner from colliding. Now, if breakfast and lunch collide, we know what to call it - brunch. But if breakfast and *dinner* were to collide - and without even lunch between ... yeah, might be messy ... so probably quite good that there's lunch between 'em. Lunch also opens up lots of nice opportunities/reasons/"excuses" for a nice noontime break, and maybe even some nice sunshine, fresh air, and bit of a walk. Harder for breakfast or dinner to manage to fill such a role - and midnight snack is definitely quite out for any eligibility to fill that roll. So, ... why fear and dread lunch? It beats eating a stale slice of bread in a cave, under one's bed, or in a closet (or worse yet all three - eating a stale slice of bread while under a bed in one's closet in a cave).
Therapy's good stuff. Sure, sometimes exhausting. Good hike/run/walk/trek can be exhausting too - that doesn't mean it's not good. Little say over care/treatment? Well, get yourself better/healthier, entirely or at least mostly eating (and not purging) as you should, and likewise not cutting ... and you can probably get a whole lot of say over your care/treatment ... heck, your whole life, for that matter. Would be a good thing, eh? Okay, maybe a 'lil scary, but you can well take it on - okay, perhaps with a bit of support and encouragement and such, but certainly you can do it.
Aye, confidentiality. Yeah, sometimes that (and trust) gets broken. Well, hopefully, at least in most or all cases, it was or is well worth it ... often really need to look at it as a "package" deal - not so much so-and-so broke confidentiality/trust on X, but more like - I/we shared all of ... with so-and-so, and mostly that was good/great, well, except, didn't feel so great when they broke confidentiality/trust on X ... but on whole, it was (this is where "damn well worth it and a good thing" or the like should generally fit in). Also, sometimes, the "if it was worth it", is really known much more in retrospect - not *nearly* so much as in the middle of trust/confidentiality being violated on X - that often feels at least kind'a sucky - at the time - but it *does* get better. Often, later, it's more like, "Oh, X? I should'a got over that *lots* earlier! That extra nudge on X actually turned out to be a *good* thing."
Cut - owie. Now, ... could do *simulated* with make up and effects materials 'n all that - could even go way all-out with that. Uhm, instead, you've got something a wee bit too realistic ... and painful. Maybe try more for simulation next time? So, ... what aspects of/about it still drives you to do it? Pain? Blood? Flesh? Appearance/wound ... scar even? ... and/or other aspect(s)? (1/2)
(2/2) So, ... why do/would you feel humiliation about going back to hospital over a wound (or whatever)? I dunno, ... Evel Knievel, (US) football players, stuntmen/stuntwomen, boxers ... when they get themselves injured, I don't think they feel particularly humiliated going to hospital for treatment. I think attitude's more like, "Ooops, hurt myself (again), can you please help me fix it? Thanks. Uhm, yes, I'll try to be more careful next time." Hmmm, I think for many celebrities, it's *almost* fashionable - "Oooh, I'll be going on vacation at camp rehab for the next 30 days, catch y'all later."
ReplyDeleteGot treatment you can't exactly say no to? How 'bout "Oooh, and I'll be taking advantage of this lovely healing (/ personal growth / enrichment) opportunity(/experience) that I just couldn't say no to." :-)
*Hugs*
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling of dread for situations like this, but hopefully it'll be better than you think,
xo
What she said. :-) ... yeah, ... *very* often the fear/anxiety about going thorough or doing something is a whole lot worse than actually going through or doing it.
ReplyDeleteAmy....I to know the dread, they way it grips at your stomache and your chest.
ReplyDeleteYour arm....tr to keep it clean.....and hopefully it will heal best it can. What about steri strips to try n pull it together (i know not easy to do on your own!!)
Takr care and be careful...
x x x x
(((hugs)) i hate A&E too, but dragging ourselves to get help is sometimes worth it cos antibiotics are even wooorsse. If not try to keep it clean. Thinking of you hope tomorrow isn't so bad. xxx
ReplyDeleteconfidentiality/trust
ReplyDeleteCertainly *should* be able to share anything and everything with therapist, and be fine - or at least "okay" with that.
But, too, if one wants, certainly can also share with other(s). *Maybe* even sometimes that's better? E.g. if you tell me something - oh, likely pretty much *anything* ... not too likely I'd go running off to go tell your doctor. Not that that's necessarily *better* ... but, as with most things, there are typically various choices, alternatives, and in general, different ways one could go about doing or trying something ... or even not doing or trying.