My day was OK

So my day out with my Mum was actually really OK, I actually feel like we finely made a connection, after all of these years I actually think I might be starting to understand her. She has a similar story to me, sexually abused as a child, this made her struggle with relationships just like me. So I guess I almost need to learn to understand her behaviours and accept them as part of her, rather than getting angry at her and blaming her. It is fairly obvious to most people my Mum has some sort of personality disorder, probably BPD, which is one of the diagnosis I have. For years I have allowed my mothers behaviours to affect me, but the truth is maybe that was because I was scared as I was also displaying these behaviours.

I have also held a lot of anger towards my Mum for not 'protecting' me from abuse, but I now know that my Mum tried her best to protect me, it was not her fault and I need to stop blaming her for what happened.

As for food on the day out, well I ate, I ate a lot, I also purged, I purged a lot. I think my Mum new what I was doing, I mean my family are all to aware of my eating disorders and have learnt to turn a blind eye when I say for the fifth time in the space of an hour I need to pop to the toilet. It is the embarrassment when I come back that I hate, the way we don't look each other in the eyes, the way I make some joke about the queue being really long and that is why I have taken so long. But I am happy to keep it unsaid, I don't want to talk to my parents in detail about it. The previous time I talked to my parents about it was a few weeks ago, I assured them I had gained 3 pounds, my parents were over the moon, I don't want to upset them by telling them I have since lost that again. So when my Mum did ask me on our day out how the weight gain is going I put on a really big smile and said 'really well thank you' as I was tucking into my chocolate cake and took a sip of my milkshake, then excused myself to go to the toilet five minutes later.

Since the day out with my Mum things have slipped back comfortably into their usual routine, under 200 cals a day. Self harm has been a little more controlled I am pleased to say.