Today was Friday binge day, I have binged binged and binged, obviously purged purged and purged. I am exhausted and drained and am glad it is over for another week. Why do I do this to myself every Friday???
Any ways, my appointment with my psychologist this morning was OK, we talked a lot about goals again. As usual our ideas of goals for me were completely opposite. But I have promised that next week I will try and explore my reasoning for my lack of wanting to chose healthy goals. The problem is, I spend my life trying to please people and now I am having to please one more person, her.
I spent some time with my Dad again today, we went into town after my appointment. I tried to get him to go home a few times as I was desperate to start my binge, but he didn't get the hints, like when I said I was going to go to a few clothes shops, so maybe he should go home so he was not bored. In the end he ending up walking me back to my flat, I had to wait around the corner until he had gone so that I could head back into to town to start my binge. I felt like a child hiding around the corner so I could sneak and do my naughty thing.
My weight has gone up again, which I know is good, well the logical part of me knows it is good, but the anorexic part of me wants to scream and cry, to cut it off. This is were my psychologist and I are having our main disagreement about goals, but I know I have to follow her goal on this one.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Hey hun......(((((HUGS)))) Its horrible..gaining weight.....not gaining ....its the two parts in battle the ED and MOST importantly the NON ED. But honestly it is good that you have gained some try really hard not to think about it.....would it be easier not seeing the scales (thats what i do) BUT then i suppose sometines it would be better accepting the numbers (which I cant)
ReplyDeleteI dont have an answer really I just ramble sorry!
Take care love me
x x x
(1/2)So, ... why Friday? If we take your calendars away, and replace Friday
ReplyDeletewith some other day - or leave it out entirely, would your binges go away?
And, ... okay, I know it's not easy for you, but ... if you get your calories up ... up to around 2000 kcal/day and manage to pretty well maintain that, do you find the binges go away? One reference I read well put it (paraphrasing?) - hunger is the strongest binge trigger. If you eat enough, maybe you don't get so hungry, and thus avoid binge. I know I've also read many suggestions too, that sound likely useful and practical, e.g. don't go too many hours without eating ... so like have, if not a meal, at least a snack every 2 or 3 hours or so you're up ... and it can be a healthy snack ... e.g. some carrot sticks, fruit or dried fruit, etc., ... mostly just enough to keep one from getting *too* hungry, and while being a reasonably healthy snack.
Good that your therapy appointment was at least okay. Goals, ... so,
if ... where you and therapists have been at odds on goals there, and,
well, ... you've been really struggling a *lot* with getting better and, uhm, ... let's say progress hasn't been as you'd like, ... well, ... how 'bout shoot for some of your therapist's provided goals there - or maybe hash out some kind of reasonable compromise. If, where what you've been doing, hasn't been working, well, how 'bout trying something different? Yup, ... okay, sure, maybe not easy, but, ... uhm, ... how 'bout some new goals and challenges and things to work on ... maybe well keep you from getting bored too - bit of a change of pace if nothing else, eh?
Pleasing people, ... "too much" of pleasing people, ... pleasing therapist is yet one more? Uhm, well, sort of kind of a little bit, ... but mostly not really. Therapist is there to help *you* get better, so, ... 'pleasing the therapist' isn't really so much about 'pleasing the therapist', but more about doing what's good for *you*, and not really about pleasing other people. Okay, so your therapist might happen to like it, but that's not what it's about. It's about you working to take care of yourself and get yourself better. You're not going to therapy to improve your therapist's life.
So, ... how's 'all that stuff' (well, don't want to over-ask) between you and your dad? ... or maybe it's lots more - or more general - than "just" you and your dad. So, ... you, desperate to binge (or purge, or whatever) ... why trying to chase your dad away? To "please" him? ... or not *dis*-please him? Does it matter that much? Don't you think he knows or mostly knows anyway? Why the pretence, deceit, sneaking around, chasing away? Why bother? Why not a more straight-shooting, e.g.: "Dad, I'm f*cked up - I *really* want to binge *now*, and I * don't* want you around for that - please go!". Would it really make all that much difference if you told him straight-out like that? Maybe (I'm just guessing - I don't know the relationship between you and your dad) it would be better with some more straight-forward frank honesty?
(2/2)But ... I'll go out on a limb a bit here and guess/presume (perhaps incorrectly?) ... it's more than just your dad, right? E.g. sometimes you're not even truthful with your therapist. So, ... how 'bout inject some more truth and directness into those 'relationships'? Sure, not easy, with years of ED/SI/SH and much along with and around that, ... but ... time for some changes? Not that you've got to be telling anyone and everyone everything, but maybe work in some more direct truth and honesty and direct frankness ... at least with those rather to quite particularly close around you? If you can manage to do that, I think you may well find it well helps on both the communication, ... and the support. Not 100% sure-fire with zero lumps or bumps, ... but I think in general you'd find it to mostly help rather to ... perhaps even quite significantly. "Of course" can't be *that* direct with everyone - some won't understand ... but maybe, at least as much as feasible, skip the non-truths?
ReplyDeleteHey, good that you've put on at least some weight - you need the strength, need to recover, etc. Yeah, try to let the logic and reason in your head win out on that one - don't let the anorexic part of your head lead the way - that's a road to more trouble, pain and danger. And, yeah, goal-wise there, your therapist would be right - you need to work to more healthy weight and healthy regular consumption of calories and nutrition.
Keep working on it. You very well can quite well get there. And don't be afraid of making some changes - if it's been quite continually *not* working, isn't it past time for change anyway?