Bloated after a binge

I am feeling really ill, I binged earlier and am now suffering, obviously purged, but I am still feeling shit, my stomach hurts, it feels triple the size. Why am I so weak? I feel pathetic, I am so angry at myself.

My psychologist says that I am always going to binge eventually as I have my calorie intake so low and it sets you up to 'fail', but back in 2008 I never binged even though my calorie intake was lower, I had so much will power back then, I never went over my calorie limit, no matter what. It is that control that I so crave, that knowledge that under no circumstance will I fail. I need that back.

Why am I still so fat?

My mind is split in two, I no that half of it is my ED mind and the other half is my logical mind. I know at my current BMI I can't be 'fat', but 'fat' is all I see. I want to look in the mirror and be happy, I want so badly to feel satisfied with what I see and feel, but I am far from satisfied.

I want to be normal and feel normal, I want out of this hell. Somebody tell me how to do it?

I need to get a grip

I need to get a grip, nearly my whole appointment with my psychologist was me talking about my bloody file, she says I need to stop thinking about it and that there is nothing in there that is 'out to get me'. I want to stop worrying about it, I want to forget about it, but I can't. I want to burn it.

We talked a bit about my eating (lack of it). I never really feel comfortable talking to her about that, at first I said I didn't want to talk about it, but she made the good point that she can't help me unless I start talking about it. It is difficult as my metabolism has really slowed down now, I seem to be loosing 1 single pound every three days, which is hard, it makes me want to cut my calorie intake down even further, but I no once I have done that, then there is little way back.

My BMI is 16.6, I should be happy with that, but I am not, I still feel 'chubby', I can still pinch all of my fat, there is handfuls of it. I want to be happy, but will I ever be satisfied and happy with my weight? I have been saying all along that I am not going to let myself get as ill as I have done in the past, but I can now see it happening, it scares me as I thought I had enough control to stop when the time is right, but I don't no if I have.

My psychologist suggested an exercise that may help me, I thought I would share it with you, as it could be helpful to all of us. You make a poster advertising anorexia or which ever ED you have, seems a bit odd, but I guess it gets you to think about it in more detail.I will give it ago, because to be honest I am willing to give anything a go.

Personal information

Tomorrow I have got an appointment with my psychologist, I didn't got to my last one as I felt to upset after the appointment I had with my psychiatrist. I no that I need to go, but I feel really upset about going, when I was in my  appointment with my psychiatrist he said that he had read emails that had been written between me and my psychologist. This really got to me, I have always had terrible trust issues and am ultra wary of confidentiality, probably a bit to wary of it sometimes. When the psychiatrist said he had read these emails I felt devastated as I thought they were personal and going to be kept that way. Now I no they are in my file for all to see, I hate my file, I hate seeing it, knowing it is full of stuff about me. I get so paranoid about it that I have an agreement with my psychologist that she doesn't write anything during our sessions, as I used to get so worked up about it.

Now all I can think about is those emails, they were private, if I had of known they were going to be in that bloody file I would never have written them.

I hate all of this information being stored about me, I can see the file in my head and I can feel myself tensing up just thinking about it. I no it is important stuff, but I wish I could destroy it, I dream about ripping it up, burning it, anything to get rid of it.

I don't want anyone having all of this information on me. I want it gone.

Struggling with myself

I am really struggling, I feel extremely low, but the main feeling is still anger. I feel angry that I was giving hope off the chance of recovery and then had it ripped away from me. I feel lost and alone and scared. I guess I had always hoped that someone would rescue me, but now I no I am alone in this.

So what do I do to make it better? I turn to the coping mechanisms that are slowly killing me, I self harm more than in a long time and I restrict my calorie intake even lower. It is all I no, it is the only way to cope. The alternative is to not cope, which feels like a great option, I picked up a months worth of my meds yesterday, the temptation to take the lot and be free is huge, but for now I can push that away.

Is life worth living? That one I can not tell you at the moment, we will have to see.  

Please rescue me

I feel desperate for someone to rescue me, I am tired of trying to keep myself safe, I am tired of being responsible for myself. I want to hand myself over to someone and say 'fix me or let me die'.

Hey at least one thing is going well, I have reached a BMI of 16.8, joy. Normally I would be so chuffed with this, I have worked hard to get my BMI low, but I actually can't be assed to be joyous about it.

I am so fucking angry

I just had a appointment with the psychiatrist, I am not going to any inpatient unit, there is no chance. I feel so let down, I felt like screaming at him, I cried, I left.

I really thought I was going to get a chance of living a proper life, but nope, that has been taken away. My head hurts where I have been crying so much. They gave me hope and then snatched it back.

No funding, no fucking funding.

What is the fucking point.

Seeing the psychiatrist again tomorrow

Tomorrow I have got another appointment with the psychiatrist, I am hoping to find out a bit more where I stand with regards to going to an inpatient unit. I need to no what is happening and where I stand, I am in limbo at the moment. It is weird as I am not normally excited to see the psychiatrist, normally these appointments fill me with dread, but this time I am actually really excited. So hopefully tomorrow I will be able to give you an update that is actually an update, with out saying I don't no what is happening.

I have self harmed quite badly this evening, probably partly due to the build up to my appointment tomorrow, but also because my wanting to overdose has been so extreme, so cutting and cutting quite deeply was the only way I could get that urge under control. I do not want to overdose, I do not want to end up back in hospital, but it almost feels inevitable, I feel like I am just postponing it. I am going to be very honest with the psychiatrist about my new obsession, maybe I need an increase of my quetiapine or something.

Feeling quite in control eating wise, have been sticking to my under 200 calories, I love being in control.

So lets hope I have some interesting news for you all tomorrow.

The urge to overdose

Yesterday and today have been really intense, not because anything has happened, but because my mind is being really cruel. I so badly want to overdose, not to kill myself, but as a punishment, I want to go through that pain, I want to suffer, I want to be judged by people, be made to feel guilty. I need to feel it, I need to do it.

I used to overdose a lot about three or four years ago, mainly for the same reason, I like the punishment. I am determined that I am not going to go back to them days. I put my family through hell, my body through hell. But how do I stop the urge in my head, the obsession? I fear that it is going to get to much and I am going to give in to it.

At least eating has been a little more controlled, today 162 calories, yay!

Fuck, I ate today

Tittle says it all, I ate a sandwich and a chocolate doughnut and didn't purge. This is this first time in months that I have eaten something other than cereal, rice crackers and cracker breads and not purged. I didn't even really want the sandwich to be honest, I just saw it and thought well I will have that, so bought it and ate it, same with the doughnut. Oh and I had a full fat full calorie hot chocolate as well, so it gets worse.

Fucking Joke aint I

Bloody money

Why is money the answer to everything? My recovery depends on money, it shouldn't have to be about money, but it is. I had an appointment with my psychologist today, as usual it was a tear full one, but what's new. But the main thing that came out of the appointment is that the unit I really want to go to, the one that I truly believe is the one that give me the best chance of recovery, is extremely expensive as it is so specialized and because it is so expensive there is very little chance that my PCT will fund it. I guess they can't justify spending that much money on one person. I am not stupid, I new money was going to be an issue, but it just breaks my heart that there is something that could really make a massive impact in my life and it is looking slightly out of my reach. We are still going to try and get funding, but my psychologist told me not to get my hope up to much. Maybe I will be a lucky one and get finding, but luck is not normally something that comes my way. I have got my psychologist, psychiatrist and GP all fighting on my side, so maybe that might count for something.

I have had terrible tummy pains today, I think I pulled muscles after all the purging I did yesterday. I am determined no more fucking up and binging, I can't bare the thought of failing again.

My migraine has finally gone, last night it was so so painful, I ended up taking a cocktail of painkillers, including some that I found in the back of my cupboard from an operation I had a few years ago on my jaw. I don't recommend mixing and matching tablets like that, but I was in agony. 

sorry to blog again

Sorry to blog again, but I am feeling so low after my binge earlier, I feel extremely disappointed in myself. I am sat here now feeling really ill, I have purged and purged and purged, I no I an't get any more out, but I still feel like a failure. The anger I feel towards myself is difficult to let do, I want to punish myself, teach myself a lesson for being so weak.

The sooner I get in patient treatment the better before I completely fuck up my life.

Binged

Had a massive binge today, I am once again very angry with myself. I hate it when I let this happen, it makes me feel so weak, I am able to be so controlled and then suddenly binge, I loose complete control, purged of course, but that isn't enough, the damage is already done, the calories are inside me, bubbling away.

I have had a migraine since yesterday, I hate migraines, I have suffered from them since about the age of 12, they run in my Dads side of the family, so was destined to suffer from them from birth. Any one who has never suffered them is very lucky indeed as they are hell.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my psychologist, so am hoping to have an update on in patient treatment, it is really difficult as at the moment I feel like I am living in limbo, not knowing what is going to happen and when.

I met up with a really good friend earlier, she is training to be a psychiatric nurse at the moment, which I am really proud of her for, you never no, maybe one day she might be my CPN!

I am so lazy

I have slept away nearly the whole day, I am so lazy, it is ridiculous. I hate how lazy I can be, there is no excuse for being this lazy. I am meeting a friend tomorrow, so at least I have to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

I have eaten 122 calories today, but if you consider how little I will have burned then it doesn't seem to bad. I haven't self harmed for 4 days, so that feel like an achievement.

I had a phone call from my psychiatrists secretary today saying that my psychiatrist has managed to squeeze me in to see him next week, I am pleased as hopefully he will have more news about me going  in patient. I just really want to go now, I don't the responsibility of looking after me any more, I want to hand that responsibility over to someone and have a break. 

Fainted

I fainted in a supermarket today, I went completely down in front of loads of people, it was so embarrassing, one minute I was reaching for a bottle of water, next thing I am on the floor with people asking me if I am OK and saying I shouldn't get up. Of course the first thing I did was get up and rush out of the shop, I was so so embarrassed. We all no why it happened, it is my fault and I don't deserve sympathy. I did make a doctors appointment when I got home, mainly for my own piece of mind, I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to drop down dead at any minute. The doctor I saw was really nice, I told her I had fainted and that I new why, but that I would just like a check over. She took my blood pressure which was low, but I had expected that, she didn't do anything else medical wise. But she did talk to me for ages, I had a good old cry, told her that I am tired of trying so hard all of the time, she was lovely to me. She read me the letter my psychiatrist had sent the other week about finding me an in patient unit and she asked how I felt about it, I told her that I really want to go as I think it is the best option for me, so she has said that if my CMHT seem to be taking a long time sorting it out, then I could ring her and she would put some pressure on them to move a little quicker. I was nice to no that I have got her as a bit of back up, as things do feel like they are dragging slightly, but that is more me being inpatient  I think.

It has been really cold here today, I am currently sat in the sofa wrapped in a duvet, but am still cold, my hands feel like ice, I think we are going to have a really cold winter this year. I want a hot chocolate to warm myself up, the hot chocolate I have is low calorie hot chocolate and is 40 calories per mug, which I no isn't much, but that is 40 calories that are not necessary. I can accept the 144 calories I have eaten today as I no I need them to keep me alive, they are necessary calories, I have to eat and I no that, but to eat 40 calories that are not necessary feel greedy to me. 

Physio

Tomorrow I have a physio appointment for my arm, I must go to this one as so far I haven't had any physio after the physiotherapist upset me at my first appointment. I need the physio to get the function back in my hand, so I have to put my anxieties to one side and get on with it and go.

I took my Mums dog for a hour long walk earlier, so feel good for that. Towards the end though my legs started to really ache and feel weak, it is my fault, so I don't expect sympathy, I just no that achy legs is just going to be the start. I have been much further into anorexia before and so I no the pain that is to come. The chest pain, the hurting all over, the not being able to lie down comfortably because every bone in your body aches. I can remember even having to sit down to brush my teeth as I didn't have the energy to stand for those two minutes, Sometimes I wish I didn't no what is to come.

The inpatient treatment thing isn't looking as certain as it was at the beginning of last week, my psychiatrist thinks it is the right thing, my psychologist doesn't. So I feel a bit in limbo, it was really hard for me to come to the decision to agree to go, but once I had, I actually felt quite relieved, knowing I was not going to be fully responsible for keeping myself safe all the time any more. But now it may not even happen, I guess I will have to be patient and see, but it is hard to be patient when it is your life.

Today is my last day under the care of the crisis team, as of tomorrow I am being handed back to my CMHT, it is odd when you say handed back, it makes it feel so impersonal. The crisis team have been a great support to me this time, so I can't complain, I just hope that I wont need to go back under their care any time soon.

Cat cuddling

I went cat cuddling at the cats home that I used to volunteer at, I love going there and stroking the cats, they love it and I find it really relaxing. It is a bit awkward as the people there no about my problems and they comment on things, I no they care but sometimes it is a bit awkward. When it was coffee time they were handing out chocolate biscuits, the lady handing them out passed them around and then when she got to me she made a big thing about of course you wont want one, we couldn't get you to eat one, etc. Instead of just simply offering me one and then moving on, it turned into this big embarrassing thing. But like I say I no they care and I think they feel awkward to.

My washing machine leaked water all over my kitchen floor earlier, I really hope it isn't broken as there is no way I can afford another one.

I have felt really anxious today about something that I did yesterday, I have been obsessing over it all day and have been getting myself all worked up about it. Yesterday evening I sent me psychologist an email saying how I felt about a few things, now I wish I hadn't as all I can think about is what she is going to think, is she going to be annoyed with me, is she going to hate me, I keep imagining her reading it over and over again and thinking about what she thinks. I have tried to put it out of my mind, but I can't. I wish I could take it back. It is one of them things where as soon as you press that send button you regret it. I just wanted her to understand me a bit more and now I can't take it back.

The crisis team are supporting me still over the weekend and are handing me back on Monday. I have to say, this time they have been brilliant, I have never really found them helpful at all before, if anything they used to make me more angry, but this time they have been so much help and support. I wish I could really thank them for there help.

Restricted to 146 calories today after my binge yesterday, I am still really disappointed in myself for binging yesterday, but I no all I can do is make up for it over the next few days.

I have been suffering from terrible hot sweats ever since starting on duloxetine about a year and a half ago, but recently they have been getting a lot worse, I can go from being normal to soaking with in minutes, I often have to change my PJ's in the middle of the night as they are so wet, it is gross, every time I have complained to the psychiatrist about it they always say "you have to weigh up the benefits with the negatives" which is all very well, but you don't spend the day walking around in wet clothes and have to change your PJ's in the middle of the night!

fuck

I have binged badly this evening, I am so fucking angry with myself, I am such a weak person. Obviously I purged, but I am still so angry at myself. I should be stronger than that, it is a prime example as to how much of a failure I am.

I had that feeling of being so out of control, stuffing my face with food I don't even want, shoving it in like a pig, retching as I am eating where I am eating it so fast and barley chewing it. Once the food is all gone and I have to stop, then I realise what I have done, then I no what I need to do, off I go to the toilet with my bottle of water, lean over the toilet, tense my muscles and back it all comes, I keep going until no more can come out, until my muscles hurt so much that every time I tense them it makes my eyes water. But that doesn't satisfy me, I then drink a pint of water and repeat the process, once again the pain runs through my stomach, but I continue, until there is no more to come out.

I hate that I drive myself to do this, it is disgusting.

Just had a good cry at the crisis team

Just had a good cry at  the crisis team, once I started I just couldn't stop, I hate it when that happens, it makes me feel really out of control.

I really struggled earlier to not take an overdose, my brain become so obsessed with doing it and I felt like I was arguing with myself. I even had a bath to distract myself, which ended up being an hour and a half long, mainly as I was terrified to get out as I was frightened I would reach for the tablets. I hate it when I get like this as I fell almost helpless to the urge. I haven't taken an overdose for so long and I do not want to go back to doing that, so why wont my brain listen?

Going to an inpatient unit

So I have chosen recovery, I am going to an inpatient unit, not sure which one or where yet, but along as my Primary Care Trust can fund it, I should be going somewhere. I think my psychologist was surprised when I said I wanted to go, as I had been so against the idea ever since my psychiatrist suggested it. I no I cannot recover without inpatient treatment, I need that intense help and support. I hope that my psychologist and psychiatrist can find me a good place to go and can put a good case forward for me to get funding.

Now I have made the decision and got my head around it, I want to go as soon as possible, I want to get this started before I get any sicker and before I change my mind.

Abuse

I have been abused by many people over the years, sexually, emotionally, physically. By far the worst abuse I have suffered is at my own hands. I have tortured myself, physically and mentally, I have punished myself for the things that were not my fault. Why do I go on punishing myself? why do I continue to abuse myself? why am I not able to be kind to myself? These are the questions that I cannot answer, I wish I could, maybe the answers will come through death or maybe through recovery, that is what my life has now become, a choice between these two options. There is no longer an in-between, a middle, it is either one or the other. Death or recovery?

My abused body

I am a mess, my body is disgusting, my limbs are no longer mine, they are things attached to my body.










 I wish I could cut them off and start again. I would not abuse my new ones beyond recognition, I would treat the pale beautiful fresh skin perfectly, I would stroke the smooth scar free skin, I would run my lips over the untouched surface, feel the beauty.








 I would love my new body forever more.

Thank you crisis team

The crisis team came out to see me again today, I guess I really need to thank them as they have kept me out of hospital. It is difficult having them here as I am not very good at opening up to people, so having two people coming to see me every day to talk about me feels a bit odd. They are helping though, just knowing that in a few hours they will be here gives me something to focus on. 

I would like to say self harm to starting to get under control, but it isn't, I am still self harming a lot and quite severely, I think that is the problem when you have been self harming as long as I have, the self harming tends to get deeper and more dangerous. I wish I could be satisfied with a tiny light cut, but I am not able to stop at that, I have to take it further and create ugly deep wounds.

Eating wise, stuck to the same as usual, under 200 calories. The crisis team didn't seem to concerned about that, I think they are focussing on my self harming and suicidal thoughts, as obviously they are the more dangerous of my behaviours.

A huge part of me wants to take handfuls of pills and go to sleep, but there is a part of me that wants to fight that, I just need to get that part of me stronger.

Crisis team have been and gone

So the crisis team have been, they were nice, but I found the whole thing a bit awkward, I wasn't really in a chatty mood. They made sure I took my medication and checked I had eaten, they are coming back again tomorrow to do the same. I have convinced my sister that I am fine to be left alone, so once again have the evening to myself. I self harmed, but nothing to major, I am not going to commit suicide, well not tonight any ways. That's about it, another day down, isn't life just peachy!

Suicide

I have had one heck of a shit few days, suicide really has felt like the only option, I am back under the care of the crisis team although they are a load of shit. I really came close to being carted off to hospital earlier, they wanted to take my pills away and I am now being baby sat by my sister, it was the only way to prove to them I could keep myself safe I do not want to be alive, I am tired of this never ending fight.