The urge to overdose

Yesterday and today have been really intense, not because anything has happened, but because my mind is being really cruel. I so badly want to overdose, not to kill myself, but as a punishment, I want to go through that pain, I want to suffer, I want to be judged by people, be made to feel guilty. I need to feel it, I need to do it.

I used to overdose a lot about three or four years ago, mainly for the same reason, I like the punishment. I am determined that I am not going to go back to them days. I put my family through hell, my body through hell. But how do I stop the urge in my head, the obsession? I fear that it is going to get to much and I am going to give in to it.

At least eating has been a little more controlled, today 162 calories, yay!