Fainted

I fainted in a supermarket today, I went completely down in front of loads of people, it was so embarrassing, one minute I was reaching for a bottle of water, next thing I am on the floor with people asking me if I am OK and saying I shouldn't get up. Of course the first thing I did was get up and rush out of the shop, I was so so embarrassed. We all no why it happened, it is my fault and I don't deserve sympathy. I did make a doctors appointment when I got home, mainly for my own piece of mind, I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to drop down dead at any minute. The doctor I saw was really nice, I told her I had fainted and that I new why, but that I would just like a check over. She took my blood pressure which was low, but I had expected that, she didn't do anything else medical wise. But she did talk to me for ages, I had a good old cry, told her that I am tired of trying so hard all of the time, she was lovely to me. She read me the letter my psychiatrist had sent the other week about finding me an in patient unit and she asked how I felt about it, I told her that I really want to go as I think it is the best option for me, so she has said that if my CMHT seem to be taking a long time sorting it out, then I could ring her and she would put some pressure on them to move a little quicker. I was nice to no that I have got her as a bit of back up, as things do feel like they are dragging slightly, but that is more me being inpatient  I think.

It has been really cold here today, I am currently sat in the sofa wrapped in a duvet, but am still cold, my hands feel like ice, I think we are going to have a really cold winter this year. I want a hot chocolate to warm myself up, the hot chocolate I have is low calorie hot chocolate and is 40 calories per mug, which I no isn't much, but that is 40 calories that are not necessary. I can accept the 144 calories I have eaten today as I no I need them to keep me alive, they are necessary calories, I have to eat and I no that, but to eat 40 calories that are not necessary feel greedy to me.