Feeling lost

I am feeling really lost, I had a appointment with my psychologist today, dues to the Royal Wedding my weekly routine has been messed up and that always sends me into a mass of anxiety. I asked what will happen when I am discharged and said that I am scared of not having any support. She said that I could get in contact with groups in the community, I can't really remember who she said, to be honest I wasn't really listening. She said that she can understand that I am scared, but I have had therapy for a long time and that I have been quite open about my unwillingness to change things, so there is no point in having therapy any more. I get what she says, I have had a lot of therapy and recently I have given up on wanting to change, but that is after years of trying so hard, of giving it everything I could and getting no where. I feel anyone would feel disheartened.

Around Christmas I was honest with her about my plans to starve myself to death, my psychologist sat by and watched as I went to a BMI of under 15, I was offered no extra help, just continued seeing my psychologist once a week, who is not a eating disorder specialist, every week I was told her my plans were still the same, she would say the same things and send me away with the task of thinking about why I was doing this etc. I was given NO other support. Just after Christmas the binge monster set in, I felt devastated, not because I was gaining weight and getting fat, but because every pound I gained was a pound further away from my goal of starving until I died. I even wrote this in a letter to my psychologist, I said to her that that was why I was so distressed, that my goal was getting further away, still I have had no extra support.

I am crying as I am typing this, I feel so so low. What do I want from her? I do not no any more, but I no being discharged is not fair. I should be being offered more help, not having it taken away.

Over the last few years I have done so much damage to my body, yes I no I have done it, nobody made me do it, but nobody tried to stop me either. Nobody has reached out to protect me. I have to confess I am jealous, when I see some of the support other people have had, I wonder what it would have been like if I had of had the same.

I love my psychologist, she is the only person in the world that I have ever truly let in, but I feel like she has just sat back and let me destroy myself. Once when my self harming was massively out of control, I had had operation after operation on my wrists in a matter on months due to cutting the tendons again and again, my family rang my psychologist and begged her to do something, to have me sectioned, she said that if I was determined to hurt myself then I would do it no matter where I was. Can you imagine how distressing that was for my family, I no it was me doing it so it is my fault, but nobody tried to protect me, I just got the same one hour a week with my psychologist. I was so ill, I must have been to be carving into my wrists the way I was, why didn't someone protect me?

All along it has been the same, the only times anything else has been offered was when my CMHT were starting a DBT course, I went for an appointment to see if I could join the course, I was denied because I was to unwell, I couldn't even hold a conversation at the time, I was too anxious, too depressed. So it carried on the hour a week with my psychologist. Maybe I expect to much, like I say I love my psychologist, she has helped me a lot, but I do not no what to do any more.

Bloody hell, I can hardly see the screen as I am crying so much. My original goal is back, this time the binge monster isn't going to ruin it, I guess one good thing about the fact I am being discharged in June is that there will be nobody to interfere, but mind you nobody would have done any ways.