Rectal examination

I have just had a rectal examination, not the most enjoyable moment of my life. The bleeding that I have mentioned before has continued and I finally decided to get it checked out. That meant though that the fact I have missed my blood tests and weight check was noticed, bugger. I refused to be weighed, but have agreed to have my bloods done tomorrow. Mainly because they are not going to be just checking for the usual stuff they want to look for stuff to do with my bottom problem.

I had to ask the people below me to be quiet at half 12 again, they were fighting, shouting, screaming and banging. The noise is ridiculous, I have been told to call the police instead of going down there, but I feel silly calling the police and saying they are being noisy, they have better things to do. But my neighbours are very intimidating, but last night I had just had enough and went and shouted at them.

Self harm has been bad recently, lots of cutting, I have very little control over it at the moment. Food, well that is very up and down, I seem to go through a few days of restricting followed by a few days of binging and purging. But bit by bit my weight is creeping up. My face feels really full and my stomach feels very bloated and heavy. I miss starving, when I think back to around Christmas time where I never ate above 200 calories every day and I look at myself now, it is like two completely different people. I miss the dedication I had and can't understand why it is so different now. What scares me though is I have been here before, this pattern has happened so many times over the years and I know that unless I can get the control back my weight is going to just keep creeping up. If my weight goes up much more my BMI will no longer be in the anorexic category.