We just want you to be happy

That is what my Dad said to me today, I have such a hold over my family, they walk on egg shells around me, they are scared to speak to me in case either they say the wrong thing and upset me or they start me off crying and I have a full blown break down. It makes me think back to all I have put them through, what I have done to them. My family have had to witness things they should never of had to have.

A few years ago my sister looked after me solidly for a month after I cut both of my wrists at the same time and had surgery to repair them and could not use my hands. She took care of me like a child, she washed me, dressed me, brushed my hair and fed me, she would then drop me at our parents who would look after me whilst she was at work, she would pick me up on her way home and continue taking care of me. This is my  younger sister, I should be taking care of her, not the other way around.

 If I ring my parents home phone and ask to speak to someone I can hear the panic, the person who answered will rush to get the person I asked for on the line, panicking in case I am ringing because I have done something, am in hospital or even at the police station. They take the phone to bed with them, just in case.

My youngest brother who is now 15 is my best friend, but I feel like he feels he has to be, I love being near him as I no I am safe when he is here. But does he feel that I need him and feel he has a duty to spend time with me? He should be out with his friends, not spending evenings with his sister watching Eastenders.

I have a hold over people, a power. I hate it.