A gift from nature

Today I received that gift from nature, my period. I have not had it for so long, I have known it was coming for over a week, the tell tell stomach cramps, bloating, tender breasts. My ED behaviours have not been as extreme recently, days of restricting followed by days of binging and purging, although the binging has reduced by about 50%. My weight seems to fluctuate between the same 3 pounds, I gain it and lose it then gain it again, so on. But compared to Christmas I am up about 13 pounds. So the weight gain has obviously pushed my body to the point where mother nature has given me that lovely gift back.

Now lets talk about how this makes me feel. Horrified, I feel like a failure. At Christmas my plan was so sure, I was going to starve until I died, I was so determined. I miss that determination. I miss being so sure about something. I feel like a failure, but do you know what most makes me feel like a failure? I am not sure if I do want to die any more. I actually think I may seriously want to try and want life.

I WANT TO LIVE

No pretending any more, this is real, I want to be here to move to my new flat, I want to be here to watch my babies (Bob, Betty, Ben and Molly) grow, they need me.

Now the hardest fight starts, the fight to live.