It always amazes me how quickly I can go from being on top of the world to being suicidal. I am sat here listening to my 'sad' music, I am sure we all do it, when you are feeling extremely low, we put on a certain set of songs that give us permission to cry, permission to indulge in our depression and self loathing. Why not put on happy music? something to cheer us up? I no the answer, it is because finally I am feeling something and although it is dark, twisted, horrible, it is something.
I go for such long periods of time not feeling, in a weird limbo, I smile for people and when they ask how I am I say great. But I don't really feel anything, I am emotionless. So when the depression comes, although it is horrible, it is something. I can feel depression, it feels familiar, almost safe, not physically safe, but emotionally safe.
I have cancelled all plans for the next few days, I need to be alone, I do not want to have to try and smile for people. I just want to wallow in my own self pity.
My moving date has been postponed to June, which I am actually really pleased about as that is the last thing I want to have to think about at the moment, its not even a case of not wanting to think about it, I can't think about it, it is to big, it requires energy, energy I do not have.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
This is so me :-( I have a playlist on my ipod called 'Depressing Songs' lol. Bit difficult to explain when I was driving once and asked my friend to change song, and she saw it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm feeling down I much prefer to b/p then sit and listen to sad music, rather than listening to upbeat stuff to try and cheer myself up. And staying in being miserable is so much easier than making an effort to cheer up and go out with friends and stuff.
Hope you're ok x x x