A long overdue update

Hi guys, so it has been a while, sorry about that, I still have no internet access (blame sky), I am currently at my parents stealing theirs.

I have moved, I started moving on the 13th, the sign up for the keys was a weird process, I had to sign to say I would not commit the following acts:

~prostitution
~growing illegal substances ie cannabis
~ racially abuse anyone
~physically abuse anyone
~verbally abuse anyone
~acts of anti social behaviour

It goes on, it is very odd having to sign to say you will not commit these acts on the premisses seeing as they are illegal any ways, but hey I guess they just wanted to be sure I am not selling my body whilst running a cannabis farm on the property! I also found it amusing when I had to tick my gender and there were three options, I have never had to choose between three options before and the cheeky and childish side of me desperately wanted to tick the transgender box, but in the end I stuck with female.

Walking into my new flat for the first time seeing it all completed was amazing, probably a touch over whelming, walking from room to room, seeing the magnolia walls, the complete skirting boards,  the newly painted doors. The brand new just fitted kitchen and bathroom, all shiny and untouched. I spent the first hour walking around in circles saying over and over again "I can't believe this is actually mine". I was able to share this moment with my Dad and my youngest brother and that made it even more special.

Then the hard work started, days and days of walking up and down two flights of stairs from my old flat across the busy road on up two flights of stairs to my new flat. This process seemed never ending, the larger items I was helped with, but everything else I mainly did on my own. The piles in my old flat never felt like they were going down and after a few days I started to feel like this would never end. But guess what, it has, my old flat is empty, my new flat is full.

Bob and Betty spent the first day we moved at my parents, partly so they wouldn't get stressed and also so they wouldn't escape in the commotion. When I picked them up at about 8:30 pm and brought them back I was anxious as to how Bob would react, with him normally being the more anxious of the two, but it turned out Betty would be the one who would find it the most stressful. I have never seen her this way before, she was shaking, wouldn't eat or drink for 36 hours and just didn't seem happy, Bob after a few hours was off exploring, Betty refused to come out of her carrier. But now they have both settled in fine, they have picked their favourite spots to sit, they are enjoying suddenly having over double the amount of space to explore and hide. They are like they have always been here. It makes me so happy to no they are happy.

As some of you will no, I had a little bit of an accident on one of the days, I fell down the stairs outside my old flat which are metal fire escape stairs, I was being silly and in my frustration of going backwards and forwards with my stuff I tried to carry to much, it was raining, so it was slippery any ways and I decided to carry my Henry Hoover and 3 bags of clothes down the stairs. Needless to say I slipped and broke a bone in my hand. An evening in A&E later and my hand taped up I was sent home and told I needed to go to the fracture clinic on the Monday, the brake happened on Friday evening. I decided on Monday morning that I wasn't going to go to the fracture clinic, a lot of people got cross with me about this, I had my reasons, the idea of going was too stressful for me, the fracture clinic is where I have spent a lot of my time over the last four years, it is where I get sent for my follow up treatment and monitoring of my hand after all of my tendon repair operations I have had after taking self harm too far. At that clinic I have been humiliated, treated horribly and unfairly judged. I did not want to go back there and see those people, even though I wouldn't have been there after an act of self harm this time, I just couldn't bare the thought of being recognised. My hand is healing well, the bruising and swelling made it look worse than it was, I will live.

My Aunty passed away, she has been battling liver cancer, I new she was dying, but it didn't make it any easier. Also I have these intrusive and obsessive thoughts that as something good is happening for me, that means someone else is going to be punished. Normally these thoughts are focussed on my Dad, but for a brief while I did find myself wondering if I was the cause of my Aunty passing away. I no this is not true and I have been able to tell myself this. But back in the back of my mind I am scared that something is still going to happen to my Dad.

I was meant to have an appointment to see my Jaw surgeon the other day, but without any explanation it has been postponed until the beginning of September. This is annoying as I am in a lot of pain with my jaw at the moment and am finding it hard to keep this pain under control. But September it is and I have no choice in this.

The night before I got the keys to my new flat I decided that my flat going going to be purge free, I thought a new start in a new place warranted such a huge commitment. I am sorry to report I didn't even make it to the end of the first day. Self harm has been equally as poor, I have fallen right back into the same routine and I feel extremely guilty for this, I have been given this huge opportunity and I haven't really tried that much. Maybe once things have settled down then I will be able to put more effort into it, we shall see.

My mood has been fairly good, but yesterday it took a noticeable drop, today I have felt extremely low, suicidal in fact. Maybe it is the excitement wearing off, maybe it is coming to terms with the death of my Aunty, maybe it is just me being me. But If I hear the words "I thought you would be better once you got into your new place" then I am going to scream. Mental illness does not stay in your old place when you move, it follows you to the next place and you can't help but unpack it.

One thing you may find funny, on one of the trips back to my old flat, sat at the bottom of my stairs was the biggest rat I have ever seen (I have seen some pretty big ones), it was just sat by the stairs and as we walked towards it it wouldn't move, my Dad said maybe it had come to say good by. I can safely say that is one thing I am happy to be leaving behind.

I should be back online over the next few days, I miss being online, it is weird how empty by day feels without  twitter, YouTube and blogger. I hope you haven't missed me to much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it is really happening

Tonight is the last night in my flat, I get the keys tomorrow to my new place (well better do any ways). I am sat on my sofa looking around over all of the boxes and bin bags full of 'stuff', where does it all come from? I have had some really good times here, but equally I have had some bloody tough times. I will always remember this place, it is engraved in my memory, but it is time to move on, move forward.

I am going to make a video of my journey from this side of the road to the other and put it on YouTube, it is an important part of my quest for recovery and so deserves a spot on my channel.

I cannot wait to take Bob and Betty over and let them free to explore their new home for the first time, I can imagine there will be a tear in my eye watching them explore. They are going to my parents for the day so that they are not to stressed by the move and so there is no chance of the door getting left open and one of them escape. I will have there scratch post and favourite beds set up ready for them, they will be fine though, I just no it.

So wish me luck, I may be offline for a while, I will be a busy bee and also it will take a few days for my internet to be installed, but will try and pop in the odd update on twitter from my phone.

I wish I could......

I have always had this intense fear that when something good happens to me it means something bad is going to happen to someone I love, normally my Dad. When I first got the offer of my new flat, that was the first thing that popped in my head, he was going to be punished for me getting something good.

I sometimes switch this around and will hurt myself, punish myself, so that something good can happen to someone that is struggling. Now I no this isn't logical, but it just makes sense in my mind. I often think about if I wasn't here, if I killed myself, how many people could that save. I have some good friends in real life, but I have met so many amazing people online, some who struggle unbelievably. I have this deep desire to save them all, I would take all of the pain and suffering for them, I hate knowing how much they are hurting.

Found a letter

Whilst sorting through all of my things packing to move I came across a letter, this letter is going to go to my next therapy session to be shown to my mother. She claims she doesn't see how I can have been ill for so long without her noticing. Well this letter was written in the beginning of 2006 and was written after I went to see a plastic surgeon, I convinced myself that I would be able to stop self harming if I had surgery to remove the scars I already had, at the time this seemed logical. I managed to get my GP to refer me to see a plastic surgeon after convincing her self harm was a thing of the past and was able to present an arm with just scars, no fresh wounds (I had started self harming on my feet). I saw a plastic surgeon and had all of my hopes pinned on him, I was almost delusional with my belief that getting rid of my scares would mean I would stop self harming. Any ways after a long wait of 6 months to see the plastic surgeon, I got my day. I remember the excitement leading up to this appointment, I even self harmed on the morning of the appointment. My friend took me, she had warned me that I shouldn't get to excited, but I was pinning everything on this appointment. He took one look at my scars and said they were probably as tidy as they were ever going to be and that there was nothing he could do to make them cosmetically better. He even congratulated me on how tidy I had made them (cheers). He left me devastated.

Any ways, he referred me to a service called the Outlook disfigurement support unit, they were a psychological service that help to teach you to live with scars after accidents etc. So I agreed, I have no idea why, but I guess maybe something inside me was finally accepting that maybe I needed help, as at this point I had still never had any professional mental health support.

So a 2 month wait later and my appointment with the clinical psychologist comes, again my friend takes me, I was bloody honest with this lady, the first time in my life I was truly honest, I didn't hold back. I regretted it though when at the end of my appointment she said she was going to break confidentiality as she was concerned for my health and safety. I begged her to not, but she went on about the duty of care blah blah blah. Confidentiality has always been a major thing for me and there she is, my first time ever opening up to anyone and she tells me she is going to break confidentiality.

So that is where the letter comes in, she wrote to the plastic surgeon and forwarded a copy to my GP, so as my Mother is calling me a liar then I am going to have to give her proof, I shouldn't have to, she should trust what I say, but she doesn't, so the letter is going to come in handy.

It reads as follows

12th January 2006

Mr T C****y
Consultant Plastic Surgeon
Frenchay Hospital

Dear Tom,

Further to your referral I met with Miss R*****t for assessment on the 9th January. As Miss R*****t and I discussed her difficulties, it became apparent that she is still using self-harm as a way of coping with her difficult feelings. She is drinking, sometimes quite extremely and could only remember one alcohol free day in the recent past.

Miss R*****t was reluctant for me to write back to you with any detail about the content of our discussion and I agreed to keep my letter short. However, I have said to her that I am concerned about her ability to manage emotionally and have asked her to consider going to her GP to discuss options for appropriate support. I think it is unlikely that she will do so and I have also given her a phone number for a self-help group for people who self injure.

I have not planned to see Miss R*****t again, as she is obviously not at the point where working specifically on her psychological management of her scars would be appropriate. I hope this is helpful.

Best Wishes

Dr Natty T*****l
Clinical Psychologist

So my Mother who claims that there is no way I could have been ill until 2008 can fuck off.

Don't you just love life

Been a busy and draining few days physically and mentally. Lets start at my second therapy session with my Mother on Friday. It was laughable, I am very much a person that has to laugh sometimes as otherwise I will cry, I did both in the appointment. My mother was lest with the task from the previous session of considering getting individual counselling for herself. Her answer was a definite no, she says she doesn't see why she needs it, there is nothing wrong with her, she dealt with her issues a long time ago and I have no right to ask her to bring them up again.

Next up for discussion once again was the fact that from birth I new how to push my mothers buttons, apparently the others always new when to stop, but I always took it too far and new how to get at her (remember we are talking about from birth). This is no new news, I have been told this more than I can remember, but hey it is always nice to be reminded right?

We then decided to talk about that fact that 'professionals' apparently told my mother from when I was a young age that I would never amount to anything and would never be very bright, so that is why my mother felt the need to tell me that it didn't matter that I wasn't intelligent whilst I was growing up, but that instead I would make a good house wife.

We talked a lot about the fact that I have always had a extremely close relationship with my younger brothers and my Dad, my psychologist pointed out the fact that my Mother seemed very jealous of this, my mother denied this.

The thing that hurt the most was when my decided to say that she doesn't believe that I have been unwell for as long as I have been, her words were 'I just don't see it' 'I would have known'.

At the end of the session I told them that I no longer wanted to continue with therapy with my mother, I was told that I was giving up because it was tough, so we have agreed to carry on, so I can't wait to see where this leads.

I spent the day with my sister yesterday, she wanted to shop for a new dress to wear to her birthday, I am not the most patient shopper in the world, I tend to buy what I need and get out of there, my sister on the other hand loves shopping and will do it for hours. We talked about our Mother a lot, she told me that our Mother has been talking to her about our sessions, what my sister said just confirmed what I already new, my Mother really does believe she is innocent in all of this, someone else is to blame for everything.

Any ways, self harm has been scary, food has been restricted, weight is dropping. My move date has been moved back to the 13th of June now, but hey ho that's life.

I am such an idiot

So as I am writing this I am once again sat in hospital waiting to be stitched up,it is the third time this week I have been sat here, the nurses are getting fed up with me, I am fed up with me.

I have my second therapy appointment with my mother tomorrow, it is going to be the last, I am not going to put myself through a week like this again, I do care what my psychologist or my mother says, it is not working and isn't ever going to. Some relationships cannot be fixed and that is the way it is with this relationship. I am not sitting there for another hour listening to my mother blaming everyone other than herself for HER failings as a mother.

My dad will be angry as he really wants my mother and I to work things out, but do you no what I have realised, I am an adult, if I don't want to like my mother then I don't have to.

I have requested an appointment with my psychiatrist as I want to try different medication. I am not going to just sit quietly and be told what to do any more, I want an input in my final few weeks with the CMHT, I want things in order before I am discharged.

Ben the hamster bit me for the first time today, Bob and Betty are being really cute, I think they think all of the boxes that are around my flat for packing to move with are for them to play in, at least they are happy.

Official countdown

So the official countdown has started to moving, I have been holding back allowing myself to get to excited until the first of June, so now that it is here I can shout it from the roof tops

10 DAYS UNTIL I MOVE

My flat is a bombsite and I hate it, I am a very organised person, things have their place and that is the way I like to keep it, I have always for as long as I can remember made my bed every day, the curtains have to be drawn a certain way etc. It is horrible now that I am packing, mess every where, boxes, bin bags, junk AHHHH. But I am trying to remember how much fun it will be putting everything in its new places in my new flat. The stress is going to be worth it.

Food has been extremely restricted, have to confess it is feeling really good, I no it is wrong, but I think it is my way of coping with the the mess and stress of moving. Self harm, well its bad, I don't really want to go into many more details, mainly because there is no point and also because I am embarrassed as to how bad I have let it again. I am trying very hard to not take it to the extreme that I could so easily do.

Therapy with the mother again on Friday, she has already told me that she may be late as she has a appointment for a mammogram, I am kind of hoping her appointment really over runs and she doesn't make it at all, lets keep our fingers crossed!

Bob and Betty are not liking all of the boxes being around, they seem very stressed about it all, soon though they are going to have a nice new home to explore :)