I'm back

Hey guys, sorry it has been so long, I really haven't been well, but I am doing a bit better now and am trying really hard to dig myself out of the massive hole I got myself into. Lets just say, my body finally decided to get me back for all of the shit I have given it for so long, I am trying really hard to get back on track, recovery still feels impossible, but I don't really have much other choice other than to slowly and painfully die. I am going to try my best to use the help and support that I am being offered and hopefully get on the road to recovery.

Happy new year to you all. <3

I tried so hard

I tried so hard to be honest in my appointment with my psychologist today, but it never happens, I always end up trying to make out everything is fine, she isn't stupid, she knows me well, she knows I am lying, so why do I do it? I want her help, I need her help, the only way that could happen is if I am honest with her.

My periods stopped a few months ago, but I lie and tell her it is because of the contraceptive pill I am taking, but I stopped taking that months ago. When she tries to engage in any meaningful conversation about food I just flat out ignore her, we sit in silence, waiting until she moves on to the next question which I again ignore. She said to me today that she feels like it is my own little private secret that I do not want to share, which I guess is true. It is not because I do not want help, it is that I do not know how to let someone in, once I have done that, it is no longer mine.

I am struggling to keep my fluid intake up, as anything in my stomach feels heavy and foreign, I drink water and then have to fight the urge to purge it, it is water for goodness sake, but it gives me such a terrifying feeling, the feeling of being full.

Not doing to good

I am not doing to good at the moment. I am feeling very low and tearful, I have felt very exhausted the last few days and basic things seem to be taking their toll on me. We all no what the problem is though, this is all the result of anorexia, my BMI is extremely low, but a huge part of me doesn't even want to try and fight it any more, I would be happy to keep going until I fade away to nothing. I have had a lower BMI before, a few years ago, but I am physically weaker this time, my body isn't as resilient as it used to be.

I feel embarrassed by my body, I look tired, I have started losing hair again, I look a wreck to be honest. I am too embarrassed to make YouTube videos, which is something I normally enjoy.

Why don't you eat more is the question you are probably wanting to ask, well that's anorexia for you, I have been here before, I still have the damage to my body, I know what I am doing to myself, but I no longer care.

Psychologist on Friday, I promised myself that I was going to be more honest with her, but that was when I wanted to get better, I don't any more.

New neighbours from hell

The flat bellow me has been empty for about a month, it has been great as the floors are really thin, so I have had a month of quiet at long last. But my quietness has been ruined, I have new neighbours and they are far from quiet. I do not physically understand how they can slam so many doors, it is a tiny one bed room flat, it is the same as mine, I have a bathroom door, bedroom door and a lounge door, so not many doors, but any one would think they had 1000 doors, they are constantly slamming them, it makes my flat shake and it is really starting to piss me off now, especially when they are doing it at 2am.

I am feeling really low today, yesterday I had a really sore throat, today I have a tickle in my ear, it is driving me nuts. How can a cold make you feel so shit!

Food same as usual, self harm same as usual, every thing same as usual.

long long day

Today has been one heck of a long day, I never go out for more than a few hours, I don't like being out, I don't like being around people, I don't like the unsafety of being away from home, the only times I have been away from home have been for hospital and other things not  by choice.

I went to Swansea today, I live in Wiltshire, Swansea is in Whales, along way away. I had to get up at half 6, I had to leave the house by 10 mins past 7. I got home about half hour ago (8:10ish). I am exhausted, actually exhausted doesn't quite describe it, I am beyond exhausted. I went with two other friends to visit a friend who has just moved to Swansea. I find being around people exhausting, I find keeping up with conversations draining,  I find smiling a chore. I was so anxious about going today and thought of many excuses in my head to not go, but I went. It was good, I think I kept up with everything OK, I had lunch with every one, they had proper lunch, I had a cheese and tomato toasty, which was discretely purged in the toilet before leaving where we had lunch. Later in the afternoon we stopped for coffee, I again indulged and joined everyone in a hot chocolate, mine with skimmed milk (as if that makes much of a difference!), along with a piece of chocolate tiffan cake, unfortunately again purged before continuing on our shopping trip. I got away with it!

I bought some new pyjamas, lovely fleecy ones to keep me warm in this horrible cold snap we are having. The rest of the time I followed my friends loyally around the shops, trying not to loose sight of them and get anxious.

It was a good day, but I am glad it is over and hope not to need to repeat it again for a while, I think it may take months for me to recover. Plus I missed my munchkins more than any one could imagine, after all, I would hate for them to forget me! 

Could self harm have its advantages?

Hey, I think I may have found a positive that can come from such a negative thing as self harm.

I have never been very squeamish, I definitely have no squeamish bone in my now. To the point I have stitched up my own wounds, held a tendon in my own arm whilst the doctor got tweezers to stop it pinging up my arm. So yeah some gross stuff.

Well this evening I used my self harm 'kit' and knowledge to a good use. I have had a little cyst in my mouth for a while, today it had been a lot worse, so I decided to use a bit of home surgery and removed it. It was great fun, I think maybe I should take up a career as a surgeon.

I am not encouraging any one else do this, obviously it is dangerous.  

It's snowing

Yay, it's snowing, it is unheard of for it to snow at this time of year here, it is madness! Shame my heating isn't working properly, I am sooo cold.

I had my appointment with my psychologist, I had so hoped to be able to tell her that I hadn't self harmed, but obviously I had failed at that target. I think she was pleased that I had only done it once, it is a major improvement. We skimmed over food, I avoided answering questions to do with that, I am very good at changing the subject! I guess today was not a day where I was in the mood for food talk.

We talked a lot about how I crave someone looking after me, the wanting I have to go back to being a child and to be taken care of, but this time around it being done properly. Maybe I don't want to be an adult, to be responsible for me, I want to have someone tell me it is all going to be OK, to stroke my hair and give me a kiss on my forehead. I want to be loved, like I should have been loved as a child.

But I can't have that can I? I am an adult, I am on my own, I am responsible for myself. I need to get over my wanting to be a child, I need to move on, only I can look out for myself.  

Knackered

I am knackered, I do not know why I could possibly be so tired, but I am that kind of tired where you  just want to cry, that super emotional kind of tired. I wish it was bed time, but it is only 4:55pm, so can't really go to bed yet.

I had a tiny binge earlier, I had a cornflake cake, a few Thorntons chocolates and a piece of cheese and tomato pizza. I purged after and haven't eaten anything else today and do not plan to. I know tomorrow I will feel the  need to make up for my greediness today and that scares me.

I met with a really good friend today, I have talked about her before, she is so wise and I love her so much. She told me today she is pregnant with her sixth baby, I am over the moon for her, she is an amazing mother, I think sometimes I wish she was my mother. She is a lot older than me in case you haven't guessed. I have never really got on with people of my own age, I have always tended to build friendships with older people. I think when you have had as many problems that I have had and have had the experiences I have had, being around people my own age just doesn't feel right. I don't want to talk about trivial things like what I have bought in a clothes shop or how many times I was sick this morning due to my wild night of drinking last night. It just isn't me any more. I guess I have grown up quickly. I do not drink, I do not go out clubbing, I guess I don't have anything in common with people my own age any more. My life feels to serious.

I would like to say I have made it the full week with out self harming, which was the aim I set. I wanted to go to my appointment tomorrow with my psychologist and be able to say I haven't self harmed. Maybe I set myself to bigger target, I don't no, but I am going to go to my appointment knowing I gave it my absolute best and I am happy with that.

My pain mystery solved

Well the mystery of my ear pain has finely been solved, I have Eustachian Tube Dysfunction. I got to see an out of hours doctor at 10pm last night, by which  time I was in so much pain I wanted to cut my ear off and I had almost lost nearly all of my hearing in my right ear. I have been given some strong painkillers and a steroid nasal spray that will help open up my eustachian tube. I also get to suck a dummy, as apparently that may help, the other option was to suck sweets, that isn't an option for me, due to the fear of calories, so I am sat here sucking a dummy or pacifier as some countries call it.

The bad news is my eustachian ear dysfunction may well have been caused by my excessive amounts of purging. So not only does my ED's affect almost everything in my life, it is even affecting my bloody ears!

Good news is though that I haven't purged for almost a week, the bad news is that is because I have kept my calorie intake even lower than normal, mostly a max of 122 daily. Which is better?

Working really hard on the no self harming, haven't done it since Friday, I almost did yesterday evening, I got all of my stuff out, but managed to pack it all away  again. I think yesterday evening I was in so much pain with my ear, I think I wanted to control that pain with self harm. But I resisted, yay!

My bloody ear again

My earaches are back, my right one is absolutely killing me, I have put up with these earaches for months, they are strange as they only happen in the evening, I no I don't have an ear infection, it just doesn't feel like that type of ear pain, but I don't understand what else it could be. I saw a nurse at my doctors surgery about it about a month ago and she told me it was pressure building up in my ears throughout the day and not to worry. Well tonight my right ear feels like it is going to explode, so I am worried! I have phoned NHS direct, which is a phone  number you call and tell them what's wrong, depending what is wrong you should get a nurse call you back with advice, if they feel like you need to see a doctor, they will arrange it. It is a good service, but I have been told that they are busy, so it could be up to 6 hours before I get a call back. I just want someone to tell me why my ears hurt and what to do to fix it!

Today has been a pyjama day, my sleeping tablets are doing great, so I have had two nights of good sleep, which is a welcome relief, so today I just did nothing, watched a couple of films, caught up on Eastenders, basically I had a day that every one should have on a Sunday, it should be the law.

I definitely feel a lot more positive mentally the last two days, I am determined to use this to my advantage, my next appointment with my psychologist is on Friday, I am determined that this week is going to be the week that when I turn up to my appointment and am asked the dreaded question "have you self harmed this week" I am going to be able to say no, I am going to make sure I am going to be able to say that, this is the week!

Am still not able to increase my calorie intake, to be honest I haven't really tried, I think I am going to focus on fixing one thing at a time, this week is self harm, maybe next week could be increasing my calorie intake.

Doing something nice for my body

Today has all been about doing something nice for my body, I have abused and punished my body so much for so long, so today was all about thanking my body for sticking with me and giving it a treat. I went and had a professional massage, it was amazing, I went into a world I have never been before, my mind left my body, I felt a type of piece I didn't no was possible. It was heaven.

I didn't have to feel embarrassed about the state of my body or ashamed to reveal my bodies secrets as the lady (Natalie) was lovely, so professional and treated my body delicately, like glass, she gave it the respect it has been so badly craving, that is just doesn't get from me.

Doing something nice for my body is something I am going to try and do more often, it deserves it. I am not saying I am going to pop off for a professional massage every week, but I am going to give my body something nice like a new bubble bath or new cream. Anything to say sorry to my body for all I have put it through.

Been a dramatic few days

So it has been a dramatic few days, I am glad they are over and I do not want to repeat them again.

Today I am starting a fresh, I got prescribed sleeping tablets today, only for a week, but a week of good sleep should hopefully help with my extremely exhausted mind and body, in turn I should have more energy to kick start my recovery.

From now on I am going to be 100 percent honest with my psychologist, it is the only way to truly let her help me. She said something earlier that really made me think, she said "I have been holding my arm out to you for three years, it is up to you to take it". She is right, she can't make me better, only I can make me better.

I am fed up with being ill, I am fed up with living my my life on hold. I am going to start to live life properly again.

My new psychiatrist accused me of having a substance abuse problem earlier, not the best way to start on our first appointment together, seeing as I don't have a substance abuse problem. It turned out he had got me mixed up with another patient, a simple mistake to make you may say, but it would have been fine if he had of listened to me when I said he was mistaken, instead he told me I was wrong and spent ages flicking through my file to show me the proof of my addiction, until finally admitting defeat. What a great start!

Any ways, I am off to have a bath, take a sleeping pill and have a good nights sleep, it may only be 20 mins past 8, but I can't wait to get to bed. SLEEP YAY!!!!

I wish I could disappear

I really wish I could just disappear, no longer exist, vanish. I hate this life I am living, well that is if you can call it living. I am exhausted with a never ending battle, I am just waiting for my body to give up on me. It took so much from me yesterday showing my Dad I am fine, I don't want to have to do that again.

I find it hard to talk and communicate with even the most loved of my friends. I feel like every conversation drains a little more from me. Saying something as simple as hi feels like climbing a mountain, so I much rather just stay in my own little bubble.

Even my beautiful Bob and Betty feel like a drain, I love them so so much, they are my world, but everything is exhausting.  

Showing my Dad how well I am

Today has been all about showing my Dad how well I am, putting my Dads mind at rest, making him happy. My Dad has this week off work, so as usual wanted us to go to lunch. I love spending time with my Dad and I hate hurting him, so today was about showing him how well I am doing. I followed him around to all of the shops he needed to go to, laughing at his jokes, talking about memories. Then it came to lunch, we ended up at McDonalds of all places, but like I said, today was all about making my Dad happy. I am vegetarian and have been for over 10 years, so that takes the choice away in there, so I had a vege meal with a coke zero. I slowly and painstakingly ate my way through as much as I could bare, trying to smile. I donated some of it to my Dad, when my stomach couldn't bare to take any more in. I couldn't wait to get home, my Dad wanted to go to Tesco, but I said I really needed to get home, as obviously in my head time was ticking, so he dropped me home.

Of course the lunch had to come back up, it was never going to stay inside me, the plan was to show my Dad how well I am and then go home and once again punish my body.

So today's mission was a success, it may have been really stressful and uncomfortable, it may have been an exercise I would have rather of avoided all together. But it made the person I love so much happy and so was worth every minute of it. 

Loss of feeling in my fingers

At the moment I am suffering terrible loss of feeling in the ends of my fingers, they just feel numb, especially my index fingers. I think it is where my hands are so cold all the time from my ED, I am going to put my gloves on in a minute and see if that will help.

I am still having terrible sleeping problems, my psychologist sent me an email today saying that she thinks that too is down to my ED. Apparently your mind stops your body from sleeping because it wants you to search for food. Makes sense, but that doesn't mean I am going to sleep tonight! I need good old fashioned sleeping tablets, something to knock me out.

Mood wise, I am struggling, I feel like I am just waiting for my body to give up on me, then this can all be over.

Am I actually alive

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I died years ago and this has all been some sort of dream before my sole leaves my body. I definitely don't feel like I am alive, maybe I am in a parallel universe, I just don't no any more. Whatever it is and what ever is going to happen, I wish it would hurry up, I am fed up with this torture.

Nearly cried in New Look

I made a complete plank of myself today, I went to town with a friend, a really good friend of mine. We went into new look, which is a big clothes shop, it was really busy, what with it being Saturday. Suddenly I realised I had lost sight of my friend, I kept calm at first, looked around for her, but pretty soon the old heart starts pounding, I started sweating, everything started to get too noisy. Before I new it I am in a full blown panic attack, crying in the middle of new look. Eventually I was reunited with her, she gave me a cuddle and said why didn't I just call her on her mobile. How bloody simple, why the bloody hell didn't I just call her to ask where she was? Nope I go into a full blown panic attack, make a plank of myself yet again. I am a idiot.

The days feel so much longer

The days feel so much longer at the moment, they aren't, it is just because I am not sleeping half the day away any more, come to think about it I am not sleeping half the night either. I cannot explain my sudden insomnia, my normal dose quetiapine used to knock me out for the night, but these days the nights are long and lonely and go on forever. I need to sleep, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week, so am hoping he can give me something. Sleep is badly needed.

Did something stupid

I did something stupid yesterday, I have been having terrible trouble sleep, yesterday I was just so exhausted and needed to sleep, so I took 10 of my anti psychotics, for no other reason than a desperation to sleep. Lets put it this way, I definitely slept! I do not recommend it to anyone though, as obviously it is dangerous.

I had my appointment with my psychologist today, it was good, although I mentioned my YouTube account, she said I was a dark horse as I had never mentioned it before, I always new I would tell her about it eventually, but I have been avoiding it as I am scared that she will look for it now. I think maybe she was a bit annoyed, as I struggle to tell her things sometimes and here I am telling the internet some of my most personal thoughts and feelings. But it is different writing it here on my blog or making a video for my YouTube channel, none of you know who I am, you no my name is Amy, you know I am 26, blah blah blah, but you don't Know me like she does.

She brought up the topic of my weight, which is something I definitely do not want to talk about. I wish I could talk to her about it, but I can't, I don't think she quite realises how chubby I actually am, I always keep my coat and scarf on when in my appointments, so she probably thinks I weigh less than I do, I think she would be horrified if she saw how chunky I actually am.
Hey lets just hope she isn't reading this now!

I am in agony

I am in agony, as I am sat her typing I am trying not to breathe in too deeply, as every time I do more than a shallow breath I get a shooting through my chest and into my stomach. It hurts A LOT, I am going to snuggle up with a hot water bottle and hope and pray it goes.

Bloody disgusting

Sorry for the lack of blogs, I am really struggling to do basic things at the moment, so blogging isn't the top of my list. I do however have to confess to something disgusting I did this evening, I ate a massive chunk of french baguette bread that had been in my bin for 2 days. I will leave you to make up your minds as to exactly how disgusting that is.

Strange question for you

I have a strange question for you, do you think it is wrong to love your therapist? I have been seeing my psychologist weekly for over three years now, she knows more about me than any body else in the entire world, I trust her more than I ever trusted anyone in my life. I have developed a love for her, obviously it is not a sexual love, or a love that you would feel for a family member, it is a type of love I have never felt before. It is a warm type of love, a trusting type of love, a comforting type of love. I feel like she really wants me to get better and truly cares what happens to me. I also feel this deep urge to make her proud of me, I want to show her I can do things, I guess it is like wanting to please a parent as a child.

Is this wrong?

Appointment with my psychologist

I had my weekly appointment with my psychologist, we talked through so many memories that I haven't ever discussed with any one, they just kept pouring out of me, I cried so much, I hate crying.

I think I almost felt like I was grieving, grieving for a little girl, but that little girl was me. I think this is a process that I really needed to do and probably need to do more. I never had the childhood I deserved and I think I am finally starting to realise that fact.

I wish I could go back in time and have a different childhood, I wish I could change my teenage years and most of all I wish I could take back some of the things I put myself through in my early twenties. I have been abused, but worst of all I have abused my own body, almost beyond recognition. But I cannot change any of these things, I can only accept them and accept it wasn't my fault.

I am grieving for myself.

I am getting sicker

I am getting sicker, but to be honest I don't want it to stop any more. I would be quite happy to die from anorexia, in fact that seems like the only way out of this hell.

Since my binge the other day I have consumed 162 calories per day, my body is getting weak, so is my mind. I do not want to try any more. I give up.

Bloated after a binge

I am feeling really ill, I binged earlier and am now suffering, obviously purged, but I am still feeling shit, my stomach hurts, it feels triple the size. Why am I so weak? I feel pathetic, I am so angry at myself.

My psychologist says that I am always going to binge eventually as I have my calorie intake so low and it sets you up to 'fail', but back in 2008 I never binged even though my calorie intake was lower, I had so much will power back then, I never went over my calorie limit, no matter what. It is that control that I so crave, that knowledge that under no circumstance will I fail. I need that back.

Why am I still so fat?

My mind is split in two, I no that half of it is my ED mind and the other half is my logical mind. I know at my current BMI I can't be 'fat', but 'fat' is all I see. I want to look in the mirror and be happy, I want so badly to feel satisfied with what I see and feel, but I am far from satisfied.

I want to be normal and feel normal, I want out of this hell. Somebody tell me how to do it?

I need to get a grip

I need to get a grip, nearly my whole appointment with my psychologist was me talking about my bloody file, she says I need to stop thinking about it and that there is nothing in there that is 'out to get me'. I want to stop worrying about it, I want to forget about it, but I can't. I want to burn it.

We talked a bit about my eating (lack of it). I never really feel comfortable talking to her about that, at first I said I didn't want to talk about it, but she made the good point that she can't help me unless I start talking about it. It is difficult as my metabolism has really slowed down now, I seem to be loosing 1 single pound every three days, which is hard, it makes me want to cut my calorie intake down even further, but I no once I have done that, then there is little way back.

My BMI is 16.6, I should be happy with that, but I am not, I still feel 'chubby', I can still pinch all of my fat, there is handfuls of it. I want to be happy, but will I ever be satisfied and happy with my weight? I have been saying all along that I am not going to let myself get as ill as I have done in the past, but I can now see it happening, it scares me as I thought I had enough control to stop when the time is right, but I don't no if I have.

My psychologist suggested an exercise that may help me, I thought I would share it with you, as it could be helpful to all of us. You make a poster advertising anorexia or which ever ED you have, seems a bit odd, but I guess it gets you to think about it in more detail.I will give it ago, because to be honest I am willing to give anything a go.

Personal information

Tomorrow I have got an appointment with my psychologist, I didn't got to my last one as I felt to upset after the appointment I had with my psychiatrist. I no that I need to go, but I feel really upset about going, when I was in my  appointment with my psychiatrist he said that he had read emails that had been written between me and my psychologist. This really got to me, I have always had terrible trust issues and am ultra wary of confidentiality, probably a bit to wary of it sometimes. When the psychiatrist said he had read these emails I felt devastated as I thought they were personal and going to be kept that way. Now I no they are in my file for all to see, I hate my file, I hate seeing it, knowing it is full of stuff about me. I get so paranoid about it that I have an agreement with my psychologist that she doesn't write anything during our sessions, as I used to get so worked up about it.

Now all I can think about is those emails, they were private, if I had of known they were going to be in that bloody file I would never have written them.

I hate all of this information being stored about me, I can see the file in my head and I can feel myself tensing up just thinking about it. I no it is important stuff, but I wish I could destroy it, I dream about ripping it up, burning it, anything to get rid of it.

I don't want anyone having all of this information on me. I want it gone.

Struggling with myself

I am really struggling, I feel extremely low, but the main feeling is still anger. I feel angry that I was giving hope off the chance of recovery and then had it ripped away from me. I feel lost and alone and scared. I guess I had always hoped that someone would rescue me, but now I no I am alone in this.

So what do I do to make it better? I turn to the coping mechanisms that are slowly killing me, I self harm more than in a long time and I restrict my calorie intake even lower. It is all I no, it is the only way to cope. The alternative is to not cope, which feels like a great option, I picked up a months worth of my meds yesterday, the temptation to take the lot and be free is huge, but for now I can push that away.

Is life worth living? That one I can not tell you at the moment, we will have to see.  

Please rescue me

I feel desperate for someone to rescue me, I am tired of trying to keep myself safe, I am tired of being responsible for myself. I want to hand myself over to someone and say 'fix me or let me die'.

Hey at least one thing is going well, I have reached a BMI of 16.8, joy. Normally I would be so chuffed with this, I have worked hard to get my BMI low, but I actually can't be assed to be joyous about it.

I am so fucking angry

I just had a appointment with the psychiatrist, I am not going to any inpatient unit, there is no chance. I feel so let down, I felt like screaming at him, I cried, I left.

I really thought I was going to get a chance of living a proper life, but nope, that has been taken away. My head hurts where I have been crying so much. They gave me hope and then snatched it back.

No funding, no fucking funding.

What is the fucking point.

Seeing the psychiatrist again tomorrow

Tomorrow I have got another appointment with the psychiatrist, I am hoping to find out a bit more where I stand with regards to going to an inpatient unit. I need to no what is happening and where I stand, I am in limbo at the moment. It is weird as I am not normally excited to see the psychiatrist, normally these appointments fill me with dread, but this time I am actually really excited. So hopefully tomorrow I will be able to give you an update that is actually an update, with out saying I don't no what is happening.

I have self harmed quite badly this evening, probably partly due to the build up to my appointment tomorrow, but also because my wanting to overdose has been so extreme, so cutting and cutting quite deeply was the only way I could get that urge under control. I do not want to overdose, I do not want to end up back in hospital, but it almost feels inevitable, I feel like I am just postponing it. I am going to be very honest with the psychiatrist about my new obsession, maybe I need an increase of my quetiapine or something.

Feeling quite in control eating wise, have been sticking to my under 200 calories, I love being in control.

So lets hope I have some interesting news for you all tomorrow.

The urge to overdose

Yesterday and today have been really intense, not because anything has happened, but because my mind is being really cruel. I so badly want to overdose, not to kill myself, but as a punishment, I want to go through that pain, I want to suffer, I want to be judged by people, be made to feel guilty. I need to feel it, I need to do it.

I used to overdose a lot about three or four years ago, mainly for the same reason, I like the punishment. I am determined that I am not going to go back to them days. I put my family through hell, my body through hell. But how do I stop the urge in my head, the obsession? I fear that it is going to get to much and I am going to give in to it.

At least eating has been a little more controlled, today 162 calories, yay!

Fuck, I ate today

Tittle says it all, I ate a sandwich and a chocolate doughnut and didn't purge. This is this first time in months that I have eaten something other than cereal, rice crackers and cracker breads and not purged. I didn't even really want the sandwich to be honest, I just saw it and thought well I will have that, so bought it and ate it, same with the doughnut. Oh and I had a full fat full calorie hot chocolate as well, so it gets worse.

Fucking Joke aint I

Bloody money

Why is money the answer to everything? My recovery depends on money, it shouldn't have to be about money, but it is. I had an appointment with my psychologist today, as usual it was a tear full one, but what's new. But the main thing that came out of the appointment is that the unit I really want to go to, the one that I truly believe is the one that give me the best chance of recovery, is extremely expensive as it is so specialized and because it is so expensive there is very little chance that my PCT will fund it. I guess they can't justify spending that much money on one person. I am not stupid, I new money was going to be an issue, but it just breaks my heart that there is something that could really make a massive impact in my life and it is looking slightly out of my reach. We are still going to try and get funding, but my psychologist told me not to get my hope up to much. Maybe I will be a lucky one and get finding, but luck is not normally something that comes my way. I have got my psychologist, psychiatrist and GP all fighting on my side, so maybe that might count for something.

I have had terrible tummy pains today, I think I pulled muscles after all the purging I did yesterday. I am determined no more fucking up and binging, I can't bare the thought of failing again.

My migraine has finally gone, last night it was so so painful, I ended up taking a cocktail of painkillers, including some that I found in the back of my cupboard from an operation I had a few years ago on my jaw. I don't recommend mixing and matching tablets like that, but I was in agony. 

sorry to blog again

Sorry to blog again, but I am feeling so low after my binge earlier, I feel extremely disappointed in myself. I am sat here now feeling really ill, I have purged and purged and purged, I no I an't get any more out, but I still feel like a failure. The anger I feel towards myself is difficult to let do, I want to punish myself, teach myself a lesson for being so weak.

The sooner I get in patient treatment the better before I completely fuck up my life.

Binged

Had a massive binge today, I am once again very angry with myself. I hate it when I let this happen, it makes me feel so weak, I am able to be so controlled and then suddenly binge, I loose complete control, purged of course, but that isn't enough, the damage is already done, the calories are inside me, bubbling away.

I have had a migraine since yesterday, I hate migraines, I have suffered from them since about the age of 12, they run in my Dads side of the family, so was destined to suffer from them from birth. Any one who has never suffered them is very lucky indeed as they are hell.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my psychologist, so am hoping to have an update on in patient treatment, it is really difficult as at the moment I feel like I am living in limbo, not knowing what is going to happen and when.

I met up with a really good friend earlier, she is training to be a psychiatric nurse at the moment, which I am really proud of her for, you never no, maybe one day she might be my CPN!

I am so lazy

I have slept away nearly the whole day, I am so lazy, it is ridiculous. I hate how lazy I can be, there is no excuse for being this lazy. I am meeting a friend tomorrow, so at least I have to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

I have eaten 122 calories today, but if you consider how little I will have burned then it doesn't seem to bad. I haven't self harmed for 4 days, so that feel like an achievement.

I had a phone call from my psychiatrists secretary today saying that my psychiatrist has managed to squeeze me in to see him next week, I am pleased as hopefully he will have more news about me going  in patient. I just really want to go now, I don't the responsibility of looking after me any more, I want to hand that responsibility over to someone and have a break. 

Fainted

I fainted in a supermarket today, I went completely down in front of loads of people, it was so embarrassing, one minute I was reaching for a bottle of water, next thing I am on the floor with people asking me if I am OK and saying I shouldn't get up. Of course the first thing I did was get up and rush out of the shop, I was so so embarrassed. We all no why it happened, it is my fault and I don't deserve sympathy. I did make a doctors appointment when I got home, mainly for my own piece of mind, I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to drop down dead at any minute. The doctor I saw was really nice, I told her I had fainted and that I new why, but that I would just like a check over. She took my blood pressure which was low, but I had expected that, she didn't do anything else medical wise. But she did talk to me for ages, I had a good old cry, told her that I am tired of trying so hard all of the time, she was lovely to me. She read me the letter my psychiatrist had sent the other week about finding me an in patient unit and she asked how I felt about it, I told her that I really want to go as I think it is the best option for me, so she has said that if my CMHT seem to be taking a long time sorting it out, then I could ring her and she would put some pressure on them to move a little quicker. I was nice to no that I have got her as a bit of back up, as things do feel like they are dragging slightly, but that is more me being inpatient  I think.

It has been really cold here today, I am currently sat in the sofa wrapped in a duvet, but am still cold, my hands feel like ice, I think we are going to have a really cold winter this year. I want a hot chocolate to warm myself up, the hot chocolate I have is low calorie hot chocolate and is 40 calories per mug, which I no isn't much, but that is 40 calories that are not necessary. I can accept the 144 calories I have eaten today as I no I need them to keep me alive, they are necessary calories, I have to eat and I no that, but to eat 40 calories that are not necessary feel greedy to me. 

Physio

Tomorrow I have a physio appointment for my arm, I must go to this one as so far I haven't had any physio after the physiotherapist upset me at my first appointment. I need the physio to get the function back in my hand, so I have to put my anxieties to one side and get on with it and go.

I took my Mums dog for a hour long walk earlier, so feel good for that. Towards the end though my legs started to really ache and feel weak, it is my fault, so I don't expect sympathy, I just no that achy legs is just going to be the start. I have been much further into anorexia before and so I no the pain that is to come. The chest pain, the hurting all over, the not being able to lie down comfortably because every bone in your body aches. I can remember even having to sit down to brush my teeth as I didn't have the energy to stand for those two minutes, Sometimes I wish I didn't no what is to come.

The inpatient treatment thing isn't looking as certain as it was at the beginning of last week, my psychiatrist thinks it is the right thing, my psychologist doesn't. So I feel a bit in limbo, it was really hard for me to come to the decision to agree to go, but once I had, I actually felt quite relieved, knowing I was not going to be fully responsible for keeping myself safe all the time any more. But now it may not even happen, I guess I will have to be patient and see, but it is hard to be patient when it is your life.

Today is my last day under the care of the crisis team, as of tomorrow I am being handed back to my CMHT, it is odd when you say handed back, it makes it feel so impersonal. The crisis team have been a great support to me this time, so I can't complain, I just hope that I wont need to go back under their care any time soon.

Cat cuddling

I went cat cuddling at the cats home that I used to volunteer at, I love going there and stroking the cats, they love it and I find it really relaxing. It is a bit awkward as the people there no about my problems and they comment on things, I no they care but sometimes it is a bit awkward. When it was coffee time they were handing out chocolate biscuits, the lady handing them out passed them around and then when she got to me she made a big thing about of course you wont want one, we couldn't get you to eat one, etc. Instead of just simply offering me one and then moving on, it turned into this big embarrassing thing. But like I say I no they care and I think they feel awkward to.

My washing machine leaked water all over my kitchen floor earlier, I really hope it isn't broken as there is no way I can afford another one.

I have felt really anxious today about something that I did yesterday, I have been obsessing over it all day and have been getting myself all worked up about it. Yesterday evening I sent me psychologist an email saying how I felt about a few things, now I wish I hadn't as all I can think about is what she is going to think, is she going to be annoyed with me, is she going to hate me, I keep imagining her reading it over and over again and thinking about what she thinks. I have tried to put it out of my mind, but I can't. I wish I could take it back. It is one of them things where as soon as you press that send button you regret it. I just wanted her to understand me a bit more and now I can't take it back.

The crisis team are supporting me still over the weekend and are handing me back on Monday. I have to say, this time they have been brilliant, I have never really found them helpful at all before, if anything they used to make me more angry, but this time they have been so much help and support. I wish I could really thank them for there help.

Restricted to 146 calories today after my binge yesterday, I am still really disappointed in myself for binging yesterday, but I no all I can do is make up for it over the next few days.

I have been suffering from terrible hot sweats ever since starting on duloxetine about a year and a half ago, but recently they have been getting a lot worse, I can go from being normal to soaking with in minutes, I often have to change my PJ's in the middle of the night as they are so wet, it is gross, every time I have complained to the psychiatrist about it they always say "you have to weigh up the benefits with the negatives" which is all very well, but you don't spend the day walking around in wet clothes and have to change your PJ's in the middle of the night!

fuck

I have binged badly this evening, I am so fucking angry with myself, I am such a weak person. Obviously I purged, but I am still so angry at myself. I should be stronger than that, it is a prime example as to how much of a failure I am.

I had that feeling of being so out of control, stuffing my face with food I don't even want, shoving it in like a pig, retching as I am eating where I am eating it so fast and barley chewing it. Once the food is all gone and I have to stop, then I realise what I have done, then I no what I need to do, off I go to the toilet with my bottle of water, lean over the toilet, tense my muscles and back it all comes, I keep going until no more can come out, until my muscles hurt so much that every time I tense them it makes my eyes water. But that doesn't satisfy me, I then drink a pint of water and repeat the process, once again the pain runs through my stomach, but I continue, until there is no more to come out.

I hate that I drive myself to do this, it is disgusting.

Just had a good cry at the crisis team

Just had a good cry at  the crisis team, once I started I just couldn't stop, I hate it when that happens, it makes me feel really out of control.

I really struggled earlier to not take an overdose, my brain become so obsessed with doing it and I felt like I was arguing with myself. I even had a bath to distract myself, which ended up being an hour and a half long, mainly as I was terrified to get out as I was frightened I would reach for the tablets. I hate it when I get like this as I fell almost helpless to the urge. I haven't taken an overdose for so long and I do not want to go back to doing that, so why wont my brain listen?

Going to an inpatient unit

So I have chosen recovery, I am going to an inpatient unit, not sure which one or where yet, but along as my Primary Care Trust can fund it, I should be going somewhere. I think my psychologist was surprised when I said I wanted to go, as I had been so against the idea ever since my psychiatrist suggested it. I no I cannot recover without inpatient treatment, I need that intense help and support. I hope that my psychologist and psychiatrist can find me a good place to go and can put a good case forward for me to get funding.

Now I have made the decision and got my head around it, I want to go as soon as possible, I want to get this started before I get any sicker and before I change my mind.

Abuse

I have been abused by many people over the years, sexually, emotionally, physically. By far the worst abuse I have suffered is at my own hands. I have tortured myself, physically and mentally, I have punished myself for the things that were not my fault. Why do I go on punishing myself? why do I continue to abuse myself? why am I not able to be kind to myself? These are the questions that I cannot answer, I wish I could, maybe the answers will come through death or maybe through recovery, that is what my life has now become, a choice between these two options. There is no longer an in-between, a middle, it is either one or the other. Death or recovery?

My abused body

I am a mess, my body is disgusting, my limbs are no longer mine, they are things attached to my body.










 I wish I could cut them off and start again. I would not abuse my new ones beyond recognition, I would treat the pale beautiful fresh skin perfectly, I would stroke the smooth scar free skin, I would run my lips over the untouched surface, feel the beauty.








 I would love my new body forever more.

Thank you crisis team

The crisis team came out to see me again today, I guess I really need to thank them as they have kept me out of hospital. It is difficult having them here as I am not very good at opening up to people, so having two people coming to see me every day to talk about me feels a bit odd. They are helping though, just knowing that in a few hours they will be here gives me something to focus on. 

I would like to say self harm to starting to get under control, but it isn't, I am still self harming a lot and quite severely, I think that is the problem when you have been self harming as long as I have, the self harming tends to get deeper and more dangerous. I wish I could be satisfied with a tiny light cut, but I am not able to stop at that, I have to take it further and create ugly deep wounds.

Eating wise, stuck to the same as usual, under 200 calories. The crisis team didn't seem to concerned about that, I think they are focussing on my self harming and suicidal thoughts, as obviously they are the more dangerous of my behaviours.

A huge part of me wants to take handfuls of pills and go to sleep, but there is a part of me that wants to fight that, I just need to get that part of me stronger.

Crisis team have been and gone

So the crisis team have been, they were nice, but I found the whole thing a bit awkward, I wasn't really in a chatty mood. They made sure I took my medication and checked I had eaten, they are coming back again tomorrow to do the same. I have convinced my sister that I am fine to be left alone, so once again have the evening to myself. I self harmed, but nothing to major, I am not going to commit suicide, well not tonight any ways. That's about it, another day down, isn't life just peachy!

Suicide

I have had one heck of a shit few days, suicide really has felt like the only option, I am back under the care of the crisis team although they are a load of shit. I really came close to being carted off to hospital earlier, they wanted to take my pills away and I am now being baby sat by my sister, it was the only way to prove to them I could keep myself safe I do not want to be alive, I am tired of this never ending fight.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day that I finally get to see my psychologist, I don't think I have ever been so desperate to see her. I need to no what is going to happen, whether I am going away and where that will be.

I have come to the decision that I will agree to go if I am offered a place somewhere. Self harm is too out of control, this evening I have cut both thighs several times and my right arm several times. I am a mess, I cannot take it any more, I am not safe.

please come back

I need my psychologist back ASAP, I need to talk to her, I need to no what is happening, not knowing is driving me mad, all I can think about is what the psychiatrist said about me going to Birmingham. I no I could phone and ask to talk to the psychiatrist and ask him, but I feel sick every time I think about it, I would much rather speak to my psychologist, I trust her.

Things are not going well, self harming is out of control again, I self harmed earlier and cut a bit too deep again, I could clearly see a tendon, I hadn't cut as deep to have damaged it, but I could clearly see it, it made me realise how easily screw up again and end up back in hospital having another operation and I really do not want that to happen again.

Eating disorder wise, things are the same, no more than 200 calories per day, my weight loss has really slowed down, obviously my metabolism is slowing down, which is to be expected. It kind of makes me angry, as I feel like I am doing all this hard work and am not being rewarded for it when I step on the scales. But I have been through this so many times before and no it happens and why.

Went to the cats home

I went to the cats home that I volunteer at when I am well to do some cat cuddling this morning. I loved being back there as it has been so long, it was so nice just spending a few hours just cuddling and stroking cats. I am going to try and make a real big effort to go over more, cat cuddling is therapeutic for me and the cats.

It was a bit awkward as I haven't seen the people that work there for a couple of months, so of course the first thing every one commented on was my weight loss, they are all aware of my ED, so it was a bit annoying that they all felt they could comment on it, but at the end of the day, I no they all were saying it because they care. If I do end up going away to this residential treatment, I have arranged for Bob and Betty to stay at the cats home, it is the only option really, my family would have them if I asked, but it would be extremely awkward for them, also they are always leaving doors and windows open and obviously with Bob and Betty being house cats it would end in disaster. At least at the cats home I no they will be safe and no one would accidentally forget about them. I am still really struggling with the thought of being separated from them, but I no that I can't get myself too worked up about it all until I no if it is actually going to happen.

Can't stop thinking about yesterday

I can't stop thinking about what the psychiatrist said to me yesterday about sending me for inpatient treatment 3 hours away, I could not bare to leave Bob and Betty, they are my life, it makes me close to tears just thinking about it. My psychologist is back on the 30th of this month, I can't wait to talk to her to see what she thinks about this, I just hope she doesn't agree with the psychiatrist, as then I don't no what I will do.

Last night I felt so ill with all of that food inside of me, my stomach was churning and I felt so sick. Today I have stuck to my usual restriction of under 200 calories.

Shit day

Today had been a shit day, first of all I have lost an opportunity to move to a new flat, that I had all of my hopes pinned on. My flat is disgusting, it is falling apart around me and my landlord doesn't give a fuck about it at all. I have a rat infestation, they chew through my floor boards, they even chewed the corner off my cats mat that their water bowl was on, it is awful. So my one opportunity to get out of this shit pit has just fallen apart, so I am stuck.

So I was already upset about that, but that is the least of my worries for today, I had my lunch with Dad, I ate a main course, which I ate 3/4 of, then I had a pudding. I went back to my Dads, managed to sneak a little bit of purging in under the pretence that I needed a wee, then had to go to my appointment with my psychiatrist, which luckily is opposite my parents house, as that is the building my CMHT is. So when I got there I asked to use their loo, I managed to purge a bit more, but still felt very full and sick.

My appointment with the psychiatrist was very stressful, he is a temporary psychiatrist as my CMHT hasn't had a full time one for about two years, which is a very annoying. He kept saying that I am an intelligent girl, which winds me up, as we are not here to discuss my intelligence (or lack of it in my case!). Then completely out of the blue he says that he thinks he needs to send me away for treatment in a residential centre in Birmingham, which is about three hours from where I live. I was so shocked that he just came out with this, he has never met me before, during my appointment was the first time he has ever seen my file, he knows nothing about me. He can't just suddenly decide something like that can he?

So in one day I have lost the opportunity to move out of my rat infested flat, I have eaten more calories in one sitting than I have eaten in the last 3 weeks added together and not managed to purge the majority of it and to top it off, I have been told that I may be sent half way across the country, what a fab day.

Cry cry cry

This evening has been a very tearful evening, I have cried more than I have cried in a long time, the reason being? I ate a chocolate corn flake cake, that seems bad enough, but to make it even worse I wasn't able to attempt to purge it until well over an hour later, so basically there wasn't much in purging it at all.

Obviously after yesterdays blog you will no that I was meant to go for lunch with my Dad today, I had been so anxious about it all night and had built it up to be this massive deal. So when I met up with my Dad I had got to the point where I had decided that I was going to have a normal lunch, eat it as normally as possible and then purge it at the soonest opportunity. My reasoning being that I wanted to make my Dad happy, us going for lunch together is something he really enjoys and I no he has been looking forward to it. Also I thought that it would show him that I am 'fine', as my weight loss is pretty obvious now, so if I eat a meal, normally, in front of him, that should stop my family from worrying. So I was all hyped up for this lunch, thinking it is one lunch and it will show my Dad I am fine and make him happy.

So we get into town really late, as my Dad got caught up with something, all of the places have shut lunch time serving, so my Dad suggests we have lunch tomorrow instead. Great I am thinking, all of this stress and anxiety, planning and thoughts and just like that it is over for today and it is going to happen tomorrow. So that means another sleepless anxiety filled night ahead of me. Then my wants me to still have something quickly to eat on the way home, so I pick a cornflake cake, a bloody cornflake cake! why on earth did I pick that? But going through my mind I am trying to please my Dad, make him happy and show him all is OK, so as I am eating it I am thinking, its no biggy, I can just purge it when I get home. Then Dad says he is going to come into my flat as he wants to load a program on my lap top for me, so the clock in my mind is ticking, I am calculating how long it has been since consuming the cake, so I think well 10 minutes will be all right.

So my Dad comes in, loads the program on, then starts flicking through the games on my computer, then settles down to a game of spider solitaire, great, again time is ticking. At this point I start to think is he doing it on purpose as he knows I want to purge it. Any ways after an hour of me doing things like hoovering and emptying the washing machine, he suddenly gets up and goes "right I am off now", just like that. I new they were bound to suspect at some point as we have been through this so many times, but I didn't think they would start to suspect yet.

So once again we are back to me thinking shit, what am I going to do tomorrow, as after today I am pretty sure my Dad isn't going to let me slip off to purge our lovely lunch!

What the hell am I going to do???

My Dad wants to go for lunch tomorrow, what the hell am going to do? I cannot bare thought of eating a meal,, let alone doing it in a public place with all of those people looking at me. I feel so anxious about it already, it is racing through my head, I just don't no what to do.

Today I had a appointment with my GP, just to get my medication and on Thursday I have got an appointment with my psychiatrist, so busy busy for me. I just really want my psychologist back, as she is the one that actually helps me, but she isn't back until the 30th.

Today I had stuck to 176 calories, until about an hour ago, I ate a portion of cereal, I think it was mainly out of boredom rather than hunger, but I purged it straight after eating it.

I cannot stop stressing about lunch with Dad, it is going to be a sleepless night tonight.

Physio

Today I had my first physio appointment, the first thing I have to say is that the physiotherapist was a wench, a complete dick, a pratt, I could keep on coming up with words all night, so I will stop now. When he asked me to take my splint off, the first sentence that came out of his mouth was "wow, it looks like someone has wrapped cotton around your arm over and over again and pulled it tight", like I said, he was a pratt. Later on in my appointment he decided to say "well I guess I don't mind treating you, as you seem like a nice girl". He just made me so angry and then to top it off, he decided it was too early and the tendon repair wasn't strong enough to actually do anything any ways, so a complete waist of my time. But don't panic, I get the privilege of seeing him again next Monday, I cannot wait.

Eating disorder wise, I have eaten 176 calories today, I also went on a hour and a half long walk through the woods with and Dad and the family dog, so feeling pretty good about that.

It was really nice to spend some time with my Dad, I really love him so much, but because of his work I hardly get to see him sometimes, but he has got the whole of this week off, so we should get to spend some quality time together. The only problem is, he wants to go for lunch with me one day this week, that is going to be a problem, I am already trying to think of excuses, but this one is going to be difficult to get out of, but I am not undoing all of my hard work that easily.

Not in a chatty mood

Sorry not in a chatty mood, but here we go, ate 176 calories today and self harmed. That's all for today.

I failed

I failed, today I ate a sandwich, a chocolate muffin and a hot chocolate, obviously purged and I mean really purged, I kept going until it was just stomach acid coming up. How can I have stood so strong for so long and then just fuck it up. It happened at 5:30 this evening, my sister wanted to meet for a coffee, as we were driving down I could feel myself arguing with myself,

'just eat what you want',
'no, just have a bottle of water',
'go on eat it',
'no, don't fail, you have worked so hard'
'eat it'
'no, I can't'

Then of course I did, I ate, I am so pissed of with myself, I couldn't wait to get home to empty the heavy, full, sick feeling in my stomach. Now I feel like a failure, the one thing I am normally so good at, I fucked it up. To compensate I will have to definitely reduce tomorrow, it's the only way.

Time to be honest

So now is the time to be honest and stop kidding myself. I keep saying that things are OK and I am not letting things get out of hand and that I wont go to far. But here is the truth, I have been kidding myself, I thought if I didn't admit it, that then it can't be true. But the truth is, my anorexia is back, I am ill, I haven't eaten above 200 calories for over two weeks, for months before this I have restricted to under 200 calories for a few days and then binged and purged for a few days. I have not eaten a actual meal since the middle of July. I have lost nearly 2 stone, I have dropped two clothes sizes. It is definitely back, I am no longer an anorexic in recovery, I am an anorexic and it pains me to say that.

I went into town today to get a new pair of jeans, as all of mine are far to big now, I tried on a size smaller, they were too big, so I got a smaller size and they fitted, but are loose, you cannot get a size smaller in most shops. I felt so pleased, but at the same time so sad, I actually cried in the changing room, tears of joy and tears of sadness.

But now all I can think about is reducing the calories to 150 and then I no soon I will want to go lower and lower. I am scared, I think the thing I am most scared of is that I am good at doing this, and I no I will succeed in going lower, sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at this.

I met with Maria

I met up with my friend Maria for an hour this morning, I haven't seen her for months, she is a great person, she isn't my usual type of friend, she is in her forties, has five children, a husband and is an ex police officer. I met her when her first child attended the nursery I was working at when I was nineteen, when I left the nursery we kept in contact and when I was a nanny we used to meet up for days out with the children. When I got too ill to work she was amazing, she has been through similar things and she 'got' me, she would listen to me cry and not judge me, she was brilliant. We have met up every few months ever since. I could spend hours in her company, as she understands that sometimes I all I need is a hug, or to sit in silence. But at the same time she has a really busy life bringing up her lovely children, so I no I can't rely on her to much.

I haven't felt quite as low today, which is a welcome relief. I just hope it can last to give me a break.

Still sticking to my calorie allowance, I no I need to get on top of this, but at the moment I haven't got the energy to fight it. I feel a little scared if I am honest, because I no it is really consuming me at the moment, but I will sort it, I promise. I will NOT let it go too far.

Don't worry I am OK

Don't worry I am OK, well that's why I went around to my parents for an hour earlier to give them that impression. As I was walking up to theirs I was thinking 'deep breaths, you can do this, be happy'. It worked and now my parents wont worry about me for a few days. I hate them worrying about me.

I had a flat inspection today, the women turned up whilst I was fast asleep, so I answered the door in my PJ's, it was only once she was gone that I was awake enough to realise I had short sleeved PJ's on, how embarrassing, I bet she went back to the office and told everyone about the fruit loop in flat 7b.

Still doing well with my calorie intake, every day that goes by that I stick to my amount the stronger I feel, obviously not physically, but mentally. Every time a pound comes off I feel so proud, a lot of my clothes are once again to big, when I got to big for my clothes during recovery I threw them all away, so at some point I am going to have to buy some clothes, with what money I do not no.

My arm is really hurting

My hideously annoying splint 

My arm is really hurting today, it really aches and throbs, I think I have been using it to much. I need to remember to be more careful with it as the last thing I want is to undo the repair. I am really starting to struggle with what I have done to myself, I can't do basic things myself like washing up, my arm is pretty much useless. The splint is really starting to wind me up, it is so annoying and just turns my arm into this thing that sticks out and gets in the way. I want to keep taking it off, but I no I can't. I HATE IT.

Again I have felt quite tearful today, the day feels like it has been really long and never ending. I have also self harmed again today. I am scared that I am letting things slip again. I wanted to be able to tell my psychologist things have been going really well when she gets back from leave on the 20th, but it doesn't look like that is going to be the case.

Sorry, I am just feeling sorry for myself.

Definitely been a low day

Today has definitely been a low day, I have once again gone back to being very tearful. I did do something positive though. I phoned a help line, which is something I would never normally do, the helpline was for adult survivors of abuse, the lady I spoke to was amazing, she helped me to sort through some traumatic memories and flashbacks that I have been having recently. Most of the conversation involved me hysterically crying, but she was brilliant, she listened to me and was patient with me, she made me understand that none of it was my fault. I really think phoning them was a big help and it was definitely the type of support I needed today.

My restricting is on target, I have not gone above my calorie amount for well over a week, I feel so committed to it and that makes me feel so powerful.

I uploaded a video to my youtube channel that contained pictures of my scars, I really wasn't sure whether to do it or not, but I decided that even if it only helps one person it will be worth it. My hope is that people will look at it and get help for themselves before their self harm gets to the point mine has. That is my hope, but I hope people don't think I am proud of my scars and just showing off, as that definitely isn't the case.

Struggling today

So today I am really struggling, last night was a tough night as the urge to self harm was unbelievable, today I gave into that urge.I feel devastated, it was nearly three weeks without self harm, I am so angry at myself for messing up all of that hard work. I very rarely feel proud of myself, but I was starting to feel a tiny bit proud, now I have wrecked it.

I have lost nearly two stone since July, I don't no how to feel about it, a massive part of me is so pleased, like over the moon pleased, but another part of me no's its wrong, I guess you can definitely say that I am no longer in recovery. It is so wrong, but feels so right.

I am definitely having a day of self loathing.

Urge to self harm

The urge to self harm has been so strong today, I am trying so hard to fight it, as I have been doing so well since my operation. I keep looking at my hideous wound on my wrist from the operation, I look at it to remind myself how disappointed I was in myself when I did it, to try and stop me doing it again, but at the moment I have gone past caring, I just want to give in.

I have had a busy day today, probably not busy by most peoples standards, but by my standards it was a hectic day. I feel really lame about the fact that I get so tired so easily, it is pathetic.

My Dad said to me that he is so happy that I seem to be doing a lot better at the moment, he said it makes him really happy when I am well. It is really nice when he says that, but it is also really hard, as one, he still doesn't no that even though I seem a little better at the moment, there is still so much going on in my head. Also it is hard when he says it, because it makes me even more scared of failing, as I no how unhappy it will make him, but failure feels inevitable.

Don't you hate the fact that it isn't just life you are fucking up, it is every one around you's lives too.

The cast is off

Today I was so anxious, going to the hospital is scary enough, but going on your own is even harder. As it got nearer to the time to go I started to feel physically sick and could feel myself shaking. But once I got on the bus I felt a little bit more relaxed, as the first step was done.

My appointment with the hand specialist was OK, it was difficult as even though it says in my notes the reason I have the injury, the nurse who took my cast off, the nurse that took my stitches out, the hand specialist and even the physiotherapist who made my splint all insisted on asking over and over again what had happened. But as soon as they look at my arm, they all do exactly the same thing, put this disapproving look on their faces and say "oh, I see". I hate that look they give, I already no how much I have fucked up, I don't need them reminding me.

But I got my wish, I got a splint rather than another cast, but only on the promise that I would not remove it, but of course one of the first things I did when I got home was take it off and soak my arm in a nice warm bath, it felt heavenly.

The wound itself is healing well, I had 16 stitches in it, the wound I had made went across my wrist, but the surgeon had made a horizontal line going down my wrist to make the wound into a T shape. My arm is still really swollen, but that should go down soon.

It is difficult looking at my arm, as it is a mess, but so is my other arm and both my thighs, I have to live with what I have done to myself and I am the only one responsible for my actions, it is just hard knowing that.

Cast off tomorrow

My cast comes off tomorrow, like I said the other day I am excited and nervous at the same time. I just want my arm back and all of this to be a distant memory, but I no it isn't going to be that simple, as I have got another 4 weeks of it being immobilized, then I will start physiotherapy, so it is going to be a long process. I still can't quite believe that I got myself into this situation, but I no that i have to just look forward now.

I have been really over sleeping, I think at the moment it is easier to sleep then to be awake, even when I am not tired I will force myself to go back to sleep. The less hours in the day, the less likely I am to mess up.

I am sorry to moan about my ear ache all the time, but it is back again, I have no idea why I keep getting it, but it is really pissing me off.

My psychologist is away now for two weeks, I can phone the duty team or crisis team if I need support, but it always scares me when she goes away, as normally something bad happens and I need her. Sometimes I wish she didn't have holidays, selfish I no.

Great appointment

I had a really good appointment with my psychologist today, my Dad came, the aim: to discuss my biggest problem at the moment, my relationship with my Mum.

My Mum and mine relationships has always been strained, she suffered from severe post natal depression after having me and by the time my Mum finally got help for it, it was too late, the damage had been done. I was always treated like every thing I did was purposely to annoy my Mum. She loves me, I no she does, but I cannot forget and move on from a lot of things that happened as I grew up.

Discussing this all with my Dad with the support of my psychologist was a real release and I hope to be maybe able to move on from a few things.

I hadn't wanted to say anything until now as I didn't want to jinx it, but I haven't self harmed for two weeks, this is the longest for over a year. It kind of doesn't seem real, that long, I can't believe it.

ED wise, I have restricted the last couple of days, I am glad I haven't binged or purged.

Why I ignore my friends

A lot of my friends really don't understand why I do this, but when I am feeling particularly low, I ignore them. They will ring and ring and ring, I will just watch my phone ringing and cry. I wish they could understand that the reason I do that isn't because I don't like them or don't need them, it is the opposite, I want to protect them. I don't want my problems to be passed onto them, I don't want them to absorb my unhappiness. But also there are selfish reasons behind it too, I don't want them to hear me being depressed and decide they don't want to be my friend, or have that awkwardness off them not knowing what to say to me. Also there is obviously the main reason, when you are depressed you don't feel like being in your own company, let alone anyone else's.

Once again I have a killer earache, it seems to come on most evenings and is a very sharp earache, but is always gone by the morning. Maybe it is psychological, I just don't no.

My arm is doing OK, my cast is really stinking, so I can't wait till Thursday to get it off. I am able to move my fingers reasonably well, which to me seems good, but apparently that isn't that impressive, the main tendon that I damaged controls the movement of my hand, ie bending my hand towards my wrist and I wont be able to tell if that has worked until I get the cast off. the tendon that controls my fingers was only partly damaged, hence the reason I have got my finger movement back so quickly.

Although I am excited to get the cast off, I am also really nervous, I am scared to see my arm, as the wound that I made was pretty large, but the surgeon had to make it even bigger. My arms have been a mess for a number of years, but it still scares me as to what it is going to look like now.

I have been working on a project, but it is going to remain a secret until it is finished.

Massive binge

I feel so disgusted with myself, I had probably the biggest binge I have had in a long time this evening, it was awful, I just ate and ate and ate. Obviously purged after, but I am so cross that I can't be stronger than that. I really do not want to be getting back into daily binging again.

I spent some time with my parents this afternoon, they don't think it is good for me staying in all of the time, so have been keeping on for days, so eventually today I agreed to go to town with them. I didn't feel as anxious as I thought I would, except for in one shop, but I think that was due to the lighting in that particular shop. For some reason my anxiety and panic attacks can be very triggered by some shops lighting, especially if it is flickering slightly. I have no idea why, but I now have some shops that I no longer even attempt to go in.

I feel so big and disgusting after that awful binging and purging session earlier, I hate this feeling.

The Bob and Betty Diaries

Please check out my new blog, The Bob and Betty diaries, it is a bit of light hearted fun compared to my normal blog!

Spent the day in my bedroom

I ended up spending the day in my bedroom as the plumbers were in my lounge fitting a new water tank system thingy. So what do you do when you are trapped in your bedroom, with no TV etc? SLEEP. So I spent most of the day dozing in and out of sleep, now I have a banging headache, my fault.

My psychologist sent me a lovely email earlier saying that she was proud of me for trying so hard to turn everything around again since my operation. It felt nice to read, but then the guilt kicks in, as I haven't been entirely honest with her, I may have made out that things are a little better than they actually are. I wish I could have received that  email because I actually deserved it. I feel like such a liar, I purposefully deceived her. What kind of person does that make me?

Just got back from my psychologist

So I have just got back from an appointment with my psychologist, it went OK, it was a very tearful appointment, but they normally are these days. She really understands me, she is probably the only person in the world who really understands why I do what I do. We talked about the usual, that I can't let this happen again etc, which I really no. I never want to get into this situation again, I am going to be very lucky this time to get much hand function back, so if I was stupid enough to do it again, then I would be screwed.

I have binged and purged already today, am very annoyed as I had been sticking very strictly to my calorie limit.

I have had my appointment come through for the orthopaedic hand clinic, it is on the 9th, I cannot wait the get this heavy, stinky, itchy back slab off. Just PLEASE PLEASE do not put another one on!

Do I deserve sympathy?

Do I deserve sympathy? I am in a lot of pain from my arm, I mean I had a fairly big operation on it, an operation that if it took place under different circumstances, say if I had had an accident, would mean that I would be able to say how much pain I am in and not worry about people think. But I can't, so I make out that it is fine, even though I want to scream I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN.

Went out yesterday

Yesterday I left my flat, it is the first time for a while, apart from to the hospital. I felt very anxious about it, I probably wouldn't have done it if it hadn't have been for the fact it was my Dads 60th birthday party. My sister picked me up, other wise I don't think I would have done it.

It was OK, a bit overwhelming, as there were so many people there. What was most difficult was of course every asking what had happened to my arm, as obviously I have the stupidly over the top back slab plaster cast on it, and there is no hiding it. I went with I fell over, most people would leave it at that, but some people would probe further, so I went with one worded answers. I probably came across as quite rude, but that is tough, people shouldn't be so nosey.

That is the hardest thing at the moment, I have what they call a back slab on my arm, I woke up with it on after the operation. A back slab is mainly made from plaster, but it is not a full cast to allow for swelling after the operation. It is big and heavy, very uncomfortable and extremely hard to hide. I have to keep it on to protect the healing tendons, I will have it for two weeks after the operation, then I have to attend the hand clinic. Depending on how it is will depend on what happens next. I may come away with another back slab, which I will be gutted about, a normal plaster cast, which will be lighter and easier to hide, or finally a plastic splint, which will be moulded to my hand to fit perfectly. So we will have to wait and see. I just want it over and done with, but I no it is going to be a long process, I will need months of physiotherapy to get any kind of function back to my hand.

I still can't believe I have done this to myself.

Need to get dressed

I need to get dressed and motivated. I haven't got out of my pyjamas since coming home from hospital. I just don't see the point, getting dressed just feels like a completely pointless waste of energy, energy that I don't have. I haven't even brushed my teeth or hair, but I no I need to do it, so will try later.

I was meant to have an appointment with my psychologist this week, just a routine, nothing to do with my recent incident, but I cancelled. I felt to exhausted to get up and go and the thought of leaving my flat terrified me.

I am back to having to rely on my family to help me do simple things and bring things to me. I need someone to wash up, someone to wash my hair for me etc. I hate being back to being so dependant on people. I am a burden, my family have their own lives, I am an adult, they shouldn't be having to look after me like a child. I bet they never thought they would end up nursing their 26 year old daughter.

I am so tired

I am so tired of this fight, I have fought so hard for so long. I am exhausted, I don't have much fight left in me any more.

I am tired of crying, I am tired of talking, I am tired of sleeping. I am tired of everything.

I don't no what to do any more.

Have been doing my usual restricting with food, again it is the only thing I have control of these days.

Home from hospital

Well I am home from hospital. I feel very drained and exhausted.

I have had an operation to repair the cut tendons, I have been told that because they have repaired them before, they don't no how much function I will have.

I have got a hideous large plaster cast on my arm, which I hate, as it will draw attention to me and that is the last thing I want. I want to disappear.

Majorly fucked up

I have fucked up more than you could imagine, I have let down my family, friends and most importantly myself. I am currently led in a hospital bed, I am going to theatre shortly to repair tendons that I have cut in my wrist,after self harming and cutting to deep.

I cannot believe I have messed up so badly, I am a failure.

So ill

Oh my god, I feel like I am dying, and not in a nice quick peaceful way. I appear to have some type of tummy bug, I am used to vomiting from years of making myself sick, and I am used to extreme tummy cramping and diarrhoea from previous bouts of laxative abuse, so I should be alright. But I actually feel so ill, the cramping in my tummy is unbelievable, it is actually making me cry, I just don't no what to do with myself.

I want to curl up in a ball and not move.

Dizzy spells

Today I have been suffering from dizzy spells, it starts with my eyes feeling funny and the next thing I no I am having to hold onto something to keep myself up. There is not much guessing as to what is causing it. Maybe this is the wake up call I need, but I doubt it.

My parents came back this evening, which is a relief, I have really missed my Dad, also it is great to see my little brother.

A really good friend of mine is moving away to Swansea tomorrow, I am really going to miss her. The problem is, I am going to find it really difficult when it comes time to me visiting her, I have promised her I will, but I am really scared, Swansea is a long way, I will have to travel on a train on my own, I will have to be away from home, which I find difficult for a few hours, let alone a weekend. I am petrified.

I want to start being able to be a good friend to my friends, but I am always so caught up in my own world.

My cat is sick

My beloved Bob, who is quite possibly the worlds most lovely cat (well in my eyes) is sick. He has been sick since birth and has a long list of problems, I just really feel so sorry for him as it is one thing after another. He has a bigger medicine cabinet than me (and that is saying something!) I love him so much and couldn't bare to be with out him.

I stuck to 128 calories yesterday and then binged and purged today, I wish my mind could stick to one or the other, I don't no what I am at the moment.

This is my second day without self harming, so I guess that is good.

My parents are coming back from their holiday tomorrow evening. I have really missed my Dad, although I don't live with my parents (well when I am well any ways!)I have really missed just being down the road from my Dad.

I don't no if any one actually reads my blog, or whether I am just talking to my self, but there is no change there!

Why couldn't I do it for her?

Today has been a stressful day in more ways than one. First of all I went with a friend to her hospital appointment, it wasn't as straight forward as we had hoped and ended up being a bit more serious than first thought. So that was really difficult, supporting my friend who needed me, when all I wanted to do was cry myself.

The second stressful thing was that my friend really wanted me to have lunch with her, she is very aware of my eating disorder and normally accepts it when I say no to food, she sometime will try and convince me a little bit, but tends to accept my decision. But today when she asked, there was something in me that really wanted to do it for her. So I agreed, we spent ages finding somewhere not to busy that was nice a quiet and out of the way so I would feel more comfortable. I looked at the menu over and over again, desperate to find something I could eat for her, but as I was looking, I could feel my eyes starting to well up, I tried so hard not to cry, but there was panic going through me. My friend looked around at me and saw I was about to cry and said the words I was desperate to hear "you don't have to have anything, I understand, at least you tried". As she said the words a rush of relief came over me and I suddenly realised I could breath again.

So it ended up being the usual, she sat there eating her lunch with a cup of tea, whilst I tucked into my bottle of water.

WHY COULD'T I DO IT FOR HER? I wanted to do it so bad, just sit there and be normal, eat lunch with my best friend, but I couldn't, I was petrified, I am just so lucky that my friend understands and new I tried for her.

Came back down to earth with a big bump

So yesterday I felt really quite high, but I have come back down to earth with a big bump today. I can't believe how quickly it can change, it is like some one is teasing me, you can have a day being great, but then ha ha, I am going to take it all away again.

Self harmed quite badly and it took great restraint not to do any more. Eating wise, there isn't much to say, the usual restrictions were back in place after my birthday binge.

I have a extremely painful ear ache in my right ear, I don't feel like I have a cold or anything, so am thinking it is probably an ear infection. All I no it it bloody well hurts.

Its My Birthday

Well today is my 26th Birthday. How should I feel? I had planned that today was the day I was going to die, but I don't feel that way today, funny how plans change!

I have had a birthday binge session and of course purge session. I was struggling all day whether or not to binge and in the end thought sod it, if you can't binge on your birthday, when can you binge!

I spent an hour at the cats sanctuary that I volunteer at when I am well, it was really nice as I got to spend the hour just stroking the cats, it reminded me of how much I miss being there. I really want to work towards getting well enough to go back.

My mood has gone up quite a bit, which is a welcome relief, depression in boring, I would much rather be high!

Mood lifting

Today I really feel like my mood is starting to lift slightly, it feels like a welcome relief after being so low for so long. I just hope my mood keeps going up.

It is my birthday tomorrow, I am on my own for it as my family are away, but birthdays don't really mean much to me these days.

This is the second day of not self harming, so am feeling pleased about that. I would love to say that things are different eating wise, but today has been 128 calories. The trouble is half of me knows it is wrong and I shouldn't be doing it, but the ED side of me is really pleased and happy I have been sticking to so low. I feel like there is a war going on in my brain, a devil and a angel, each telling me what to do. Which one will win, I do not no and I am scared to find out.

Good bye parents

Today my parents have gone on holiday for a week, so no more being babysat!

I assured them I will be fine, I don't want they on holiday worrying about me.

I wrote a no send letter today, a suggestion by my psychologist. It was a great release as I got to write everything that had built up anger wise about a certain person, I got to tell them exactly what they have done to me and how they hurt me, I got it all out, and then just ripped it up and put it in the bin. I would suggest it to anyone who has loads of pent up anger.

Really struggling ED wise, but what is new there!

I guess my mood has lifted slightly, which is nice, as I don't think it could have got much lower.

Another day of failure

Today has been another day of failure, binged and purged twice. I don't understand how I could have lost control so quickly. I feel so angry at myself for being so weak and useless.

Self harm has also been bad, I am really not coping well, but there is nothing I can really do, I am too tired to fight it at the moment.

You shouldn't have to fight to want to be alive, living is something that you should automatically want.

Useless

Just finished purging after a binge. I cannot believe I failed again. I am such a weak person.

Back from appointment

I have just got from an appointment with my psychologist, it was a very tearful one. I told her about my plan to die on my birthday, which is on Sunday the 15th of August. The reason I have picked that day is because it will mean that my family will have only one day a year to be sad, instead of saying this would have been Amy's birthday and then having another day to morn because it is the anniversary of my death.

A wound on my arm started bleeding during my appointment, which was embarrassing as I ended up with blood on my top. Not the best when you are sat in front of your psychologist.

Was asked about my latest weight loss, I just went silent and didn't respond until a different question was asked. The last thing I want to have to explain about that.

My psychologist is really lovely and I am glad I have her as I finally feel like she understands me and I can truly trust her. It only took me three years of seeing her to realise it.

parents want me to go on holiday

Well my depression is no change from yesterday. Had a conversation with the crisis team and given the usual advice, why don't you distract yourself with a nice hot bath with candles, great, I will do that and magically my depression will be better!

I have had suicidal thoughts racing through my head all night and day, but not the guts to do anything about it.

My parents came around to see me as they no I am struggling. I cried a lot at them, which I hate doing. They have come up with a suggestion, they are meant to be going on holiday on Saturday with my youngest brother, they are worried about leaving me, so they think it would be a good idea for me to go instead of my Mum. They think it would be good for me to get away for a bit and get out of my flat, as that is where I spend all day every day. I appreciate the offer, but going away does not make any difference to the way I feel, as I have to take my mind with me and it is my mind that is the problem. They are saying that they wont be able to enjoy the holiday any ways as they will be worrying about me back home and I don't want them to do that, but I really don't want to go.

My calorie intake is still really low, the last two days has been 128 calories per day. At least I am good at one thing.

Funeral plans

Last night I spent ages writing my funeral plans, I wrote every thing, like what I wanted doing with all of my belongings, what music I want at my funeral etc. I feel so depressed, I really can't imagine being alive much longer, this is torture. I go to bed every night praying that I don't wake up the next morning. I am to much of a weak person to commit suicide, been there, tried that and failed, so I just have to hope something happens to me instead. I just hope it happens to me soon.

Tired of trying so hard

I feel so low, I am really struggling. I have tried so hard to keep everything together, but I can't. I physically don't no what to do any more.

A friend came around earlier to pick something up and I burst into tears on three occasions. I felt so pathetic, why am I crying?

I am still angry at myself after yesterdays binge, so have stuck to 136 calories. At least that is one thing I can control.

I really wish someone could rescue me, please somebody, save me.

Binged

I am so angry at myself, I binged really badly today, I caved in to my mind and did what it has been wanting me to do for weeks. It started with a chocolate cornflake cake, as soon as I had given in to that I just thought sod it and ate a mars ice cream, two chocolate bars, and a bag of doritos. Now I no that isn't exactly the worlds biggest binge, but when you have been sticking to 200 calories a day, it just felt devastating. So of course, what comes after a binge? Purge.

As I was purging I felt so disgusted with my self, I had been so strong and then here I am, reduced to doing the thing I had hoped I had got away from. But nope, here I am leaning over the toilet.

I can't believe I let myself down so badly. I am a failure.

Last night I self harmed, this evening is my first evening without my babysitter. I want to proove to myself that I can cope on my own, so even though I feel like shit, I am determined not to self harm.

Maybe I can achieve that one thing today atleast.