All going well

All going well, no binging, perfect eating, well my version of perfect eating. I am feeling so much more in control and it feels good. I have managed to get self harm under control for now, which feels good to.

Bob and Betty are good, so is Ben the hamster. We are a lovely little family!

Good bye binge cycle

At long last I have emerged from the hell of the binge cycle I have been stuck in.

That is all I want to say today!

No money for rent

My rent was due on the 20th, I haven't paid it, the reason I haven't paid it is that I don't have enough money. I should have enough money, but I don't. I have spent all of my money on binge food over the last few weeks, now I don't have money for rent. Everything is getting further and further out of control, I don't think it has ever been this out of control. It needs to stop, I need to stop. I feel so utterly desperate.

I want someone to pick me up and cuddle me and make it better.

I have no idea what to do about my rent, I went to the bank to ask if I could have an overdraft, but they said no, I cannot ask my parents, one because it is my fault I have got myself into this situation and two, they physically don't have the money. What do I do? I can hardly say "I can't pay my rent this month as I have spent all of my money on binge food". I am hoping they will give me time, I have always paid my rent before and have lived her 6 years, they have to give me time right?

The binging is going to top tomorrow, I have said that day after day, but I really hope it is true this time. Michael, you say that the binging should run its course and that it wont do much harm for now, but it is the emotional harm that it is doing that I can't bare. I am used to being in such control, too much control I guess, but I have lost all control and I can't bare it.

Puke and blood

As I was leaning over the toilet puking for the fifth time today I realised something, I spend my life these days cleaning up puke or blood. What kind of life have I made for myself? I often walk around with puke splashed on my glasses or blood on my sleeve, the disgusting person I am.

Fat ass

I have become a huge fat disgusting pig, I want to cry and cut all of the fat out of me. What makes it worse is I can't stop adding to it, I am completely locked in a binge purge cycle, it is disgusting. Last night at 10:45 pm I was scoffing pizza, wedges, cookies and waffles from dominos. I am out of control. I am gaining weight at a phenomenal rate, I have gone from a BMI of 14.8 to 15.9 in a matter of weeks. I cannot cope with this. Every night I go to bed and say I wont allow it to happen the next day, but sure enough I do.

I was so close to finally getting the help I needed to get better from my ED, but I am now scared that as I am gaining weight they are going to brush me to one side. Monday was really controlled food wise, yesterday was until I decided to order pizza instead of going to bed, today has just been hell. My instinct is to try and restrict more than ever, it is what the anorexic part of me wants me to do, but the bulimic part of me is growing in strength and becoming the dominant voice in my head.

I CANNOT BARE THIS. I HATE EVERY INCH OF ME.

I have got a hamster, I did get two, but Jerry would not stop biting me, he was vicious. Apparently that is really unusual as roborovski dwarf hamsters are the least likely to bite, he would bite for no reason, I tried to grin and bare it, but he was getting worse, so he had to go back. Ben is the other one and is cute, very cute actually and is a welcome distraction from my mind. Bob and Betty are being quite good, they are interested, but not overly fussed. We can be one big 'happy' family.

Friday binge day

Today was Friday binge day, I have binged binged and binged, obviously purged purged and purged. I am exhausted and drained and am glad it is over for another week. Why do I do this to myself every Friday???

Any ways, my appointment with my psychologist this morning was OK, we talked a lot about goals again. As usual our ideas of goals for me were completely opposite. But I have promised that next week I will try and explore my reasoning for my lack of wanting to chose healthy goals. The problem is, I spend my life trying to please people and now I am having to please one more person, her.

I spent some time with my Dad again today, we went into town after my appointment. I tried to get him to go home a few times as I was desperate to start my binge, but he didn't get the hints, like when I said I was going to go to a few clothes shops, so maybe he should go home so he was not bored. In the end he ending up walking me back to my flat, I had to wait around the corner until he had gone so that I could head back into to town to start my binge. I felt like a child hiding around the corner so I could sneak and do my naughty thing.

My weight has gone up again, which I know is good, well the logical part of me knows it is good, but the anorexic part of me wants to scream and cry, to cut it off. This is were my psychologist and I are having our main disagreement about goals, but I know I have to follow her goal on this one.

A bit up a bit down

My mood has been a bit all over the place, as a sit here now I feel very low, tearful, fed up, but earlier I was happy, chatting away to my Dad about how I am trying my best at recovery. We ate a meal together and I actually was the one  that instigated it, I no, hard to believe, I instigated a meal. I think I was just desperate to make my Dad happy, at the moment my family is literally falling apart, I wanted to give my Dad a little bit of hope. Seeing how happy my Dad was was amazing, it also made me feel kind of powerful, I guess knowing I had the power to make him that little bit happier, does that make me evil?

Any ways, I was determined I was not going to purge, I was more determined than I have been in a long time, I new that my Dad wouldn't no, but I new I would no that I had let him down. But I failed, as soon as my Dad dropped me home I succumbed to the temptation to rid myself of the heaviness sitting in my stomach. I now feel like such a failure, this one thing that should be so simple and I couldn't even do it for the one person I love most in the world.

Self harm has been bad the last few days, but at the moment I seem to have given up caring about that. I only ever feel I am able to fight one thing at a time, at the moment food needs to be my priority.

My tattoo is healing up well, I really love it, although most of my family don't, but the phrase has no meaning to them and to be honest I hope it never does have a meaning to them.

Impulsiveness

Impulsiveness can be  major problem for me, I am sure I have mentioned it many times before, it is something I try and keep under control, but sometimes I let it slip or have no control over it at all. Well today I got a new tattoo, I was walking back from my appointment with my psychologist, walked past a tattoo shop, went in and came out half an hour later with a tattoo. This is a familiar story for me, not always tattoo's, it can be piercings, buying random things, like  an expensive kettle and toaster, don't get me wrong, the kettle and toaster are lovely, but I have never used the toaster! I have spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on stuff for Bob and Betty etc. All of this would be fine if I had the money in the first place, but often I don't and it is only a few days later when it sinks in what I have bought that I have to sit down and work out how to pay for what I have bought or a way to take it back.

Anyways, today was the tattoo, is is nice, it is my favourite phrase, infact it is the title of my blog, it is a phrase that a lady once said to me when I first got really ill, I was at a mental health support group, I never used to talk back then, infact I stopped talking completely for nearly to months, but she said to me that she was fighting a war and that her war was with life. She was in her fifties, she had been in and out of psychiatric hospitals most of adult life, she had been very ill most of her adult life, but she was so wise and brave, when she said this phrase it really stuck in my mind. But what I found most amazing was what she said next, she said she wouldn't take back any of what she had gone through. She suffered horrific abuse as a child, she had been beaten within a inch of her life by her first husband, she had spent time in several womens refuges with her children, she had lost her children and been under section after section, basically she had had such a awful life, but she said she would not change any of it, not one single bit. At the time I could not understand this, why would she not wanted to have changed it, swapped it for a normal life, had a nice husband, a nice house, brought up her children, been 'normal'. She wouldn't change it because everything she had been through made her the person she was, it made her her. I think when you are very ill it is hard to believe this, I still am not sure I will ever feel this way, I mean I would love to be 'normal', but would I? would that be me?

Anyways, I have the phrase 'I'm fighting a war, mine just happens to be with life' permanently tattooed onto my body, so you can safely say I will never forget that phrase! I owe this lady a lot, she gave me great support when I had none, she was the first person I ever met that understood me, I miss her, we drifted apart, but I will never forget her.

A pound up

So I am a whole pound up from last week so my psychologist will be pleased tomorrow, shame I don't feel so pleased, I feel like a failure. This week has been filled with more days of binging and purging than restricting, never something I feel happy about. I hate being out of control, which I am sure you have heard me say over and over again. I don't just want my control back I need it back, as I don't think I would be able to cope with another week like this.

I have managed to reassure my parents how 'fine' I am after eating my vege stew with them yesterday, it feels good to know that they have seen me eat a meal without a fuss, so they will have their minds put at rest for a while. I hate the stress I cause them, so ever once in a while it is nice to put their minds at ease.

My family is under a lot of pressure at the moment, one of my brothers is in a lot of trouble, by that I mean criminally, he is very lucky not to have gone to prison, but still continues to push his luck. Soon he is going to run out of luck and he isn't going to like the consequences. My eldest brother has been made redundant, my sister finds out on the 14th if she is being made redundant and my Dad took redundancy just before Christmas. So a lot of stress in my parents house at the moment. My baby brother (well 15 year old) is as good as gold though, he really is the sweetest and most sensible 15 year old boy you could ever meet.

Any ways, have my psychologist appointment at 9:30am tomorrow, a pound up, must remember it's a good thing.

Its only vegetables

My Dad is cooking a stew for the family today, a nice beef stew for everyone, I normally get out of this as I am a vegetarian, but my Dad excitedly announced yesterday that he is cooking me a separate vegetarian one, great. He was so excited and pleased, I want to make him happy, so I am going round to sit with the family and eat my stew. I keep trying to remind myself it is just vegetables, as that is what it is, vegetables and a stock cube. It sounds so simple, I can tell myself logically it is nothing to worry about, so why do I still feel so anxious?

IT IS ONLY VEGETABLES!!! 

Swings and roundabouts

I seem to be swinging from a day of restriction followed by a day of binging and purging. I hate being out of control like this, I want the control back that I used to have.

So today has been all about sticking to my calorie limit, 200 calories, it has been no problem at all. Yesterday I ate for England, feasting on cakes, hot chocolate, ice cream etc. I went to bed feeling so disgusted with myself, a type of hatred that you should never feel about yourself. I will go to bed tonight feeling proud, almost euphoric. I can't remember what it feels like to go to bed feeling normal, in the middle. I am constantly swinging between the two extremes.

I have put another video on Oscars channel, check it out http://www.youtube.com/user/TheOscarSaysShow

My day was OK

So my day out with my Mum was actually really OK, I actually feel like we finely made a connection, after all of these years I actually think I might be starting to understand her. She has a similar story to me, sexually abused as a child, this made her struggle with relationships just like me. So I guess I almost need to learn to understand her behaviours and accept them as part of her, rather than getting angry at her and blaming her. It is fairly obvious to most people my Mum has some sort of personality disorder, probably BPD, which is one of the diagnosis I have. For years I have allowed my mothers behaviours to affect me, but the truth is maybe that was because I was scared as I was also displaying these behaviours.

I have also held a lot of anger towards my Mum for not 'protecting' me from abuse, but I now know that my Mum tried her best to protect me, it was not her fault and I need to stop blaming her for what happened.

As for food on the day out, well I ate, I ate a lot, I also purged, I purged a lot. I think my Mum new what I was doing, I mean my family are all to aware of my eating disorders and have learnt to turn a blind eye when I say for the fifth time in the space of an hour I need to pop to the toilet. It is the embarrassment when I come back that I hate, the way we don't look each other in the eyes, the way I make some joke about the queue being really long and that is why I have taken so long. But I am happy to keep it unsaid, I don't want to talk to my parents in detail about it. The previous time I talked to my parents about it was a few weeks ago, I assured them I had gained 3 pounds, my parents were over the moon, I don't want to upset them by telling them I have since lost that again. So when my Mum did ask me on our day out how the weight gain is going I put on a really big smile and said 'really well thank you' as I was tucking into my chocolate cake and took a sip of my milkshake, then excused myself to go to the toilet five minutes later.

Since the day out with my Mum things have slipped back comfortably into their usual routine, under 200 cals a day. Self harm has been a little more controlled I am pleased to say.

Thanks guys

Thanks all for your lovely support with regards to my big day out with my Mum and my arm. You guys are the best! <3

Day with Mummy

I am feeling anxious already, tomorrow I have a day out with my Mum arranged, this is going to be hard for a number of reasons, but I have to go.

My Mum is a massive trigger for me, obviously not intentionally, but a lot of my problems are linked to my relationship with my Mum, so a whole day with her is a scary prospect. Also of course, a day out involves lunch, something that fills me with fear and dread. Also I get very tired at the moment, so long days out are not really my cup of tea, an hour in town is enough to wipe me out and require a long nap to get over it. So as you can imagine, I am not really looking forward to tomorrow.

My appointment with my psychologist yesterday was, hmm let me think of a word, exhausting I guess. I hate at the moment that I have little say over my care/treatment. My psychologist is breaking my confidentiality by writing something to my doctor that I have specifically have asked her not to, she gave me the talk about how she can break confidentially if she is concerned etc, which I know. But I hate that I don't have the power any more is decide things myself. I think as with everything, me being in control is a big issue for me and at the moment I feel like bit by bit I am having the control taken away.

Any ways, my arm is a mess, I didn't get stitches in a particular wound on my wrist that really needed them, so it is a open gaping wound, but the humiliation of going back to the hospital is something I do not want to bear any time soon, so it will have to heal by itself.