I'm back

Hey guys, sorry it has been so long, I really haven't been well, but I am doing a bit better now and am trying really hard to dig myself out of the massive hole I got myself into. Lets just say, my body finally decided to get me back for all of the shit I have given it for so long, I am trying really hard to get back on track, recovery still feels impossible, but I don't really have much other choice other than to slowly and painfully die. I am going to try my best to use the help and support that I am being offered and hopefully get on the road to recovery.

Happy new year to you all. <3

I tried so hard

I tried so hard to be honest in my appointment with my psychologist today, but it never happens, I always end up trying to make out everything is fine, she isn't stupid, she knows me well, she knows I am lying, so why do I do it? I want her help, I need her help, the only way that could happen is if I am honest with her.

My periods stopped a few months ago, but I lie and tell her it is because of the contraceptive pill I am taking, but I stopped taking that months ago. When she tries to engage in any meaningful conversation about food I just flat out ignore her, we sit in silence, waiting until she moves on to the next question which I again ignore. She said to me today that she feels like it is my own little private secret that I do not want to share, which I guess is true. It is not because I do not want help, it is that I do not know how to let someone in, once I have done that, it is no longer mine.

I am struggling to keep my fluid intake up, as anything in my stomach feels heavy and foreign, I drink water and then have to fight the urge to purge it, it is water for goodness sake, but it gives me such a terrifying feeling, the feeling of being full.

Not doing to good

I am not doing to good at the moment. I am feeling very low and tearful, I have felt very exhausted the last few days and basic things seem to be taking their toll on me. We all no what the problem is though, this is all the result of anorexia, my BMI is extremely low, but a huge part of me doesn't even want to try and fight it any more, I would be happy to keep going until I fade away to nothing. I have had a lower BMI before, a few years ago, but I am physically weaker this time, my body isn't as resilient as it used to be.

I feel embarrassed by my body, I look tired, I have started losing hair again, I look a wreck to be honest. I am too embarrassed to make YouTube videos, which is something I normally enjoy.

Why don't you eat more is the question you are probably wanting to ask, well that's anorexia for you, I have been here before, I still have the damage to my body, I know what I am doing to myself, but I no longer care.

Psychologist on Friday, I promised myself that I was going to be more honest with her, but that was when I wanted to get better, I don't any more.