New neighbours from hell

The flat bellow me has been empty for about a month, it has been great as the floors are really thin, so I have had a month of quiet at long last. But my quietness has been ruined, I have new neighbours and they are far from quiet. I do not physically understand how they can slam so many doors, it is a tiny one bed room flat, it is the same as mine, I have a bathroom door, bedroom door and a lounge door, so not many doors, but any one would think they had 1000 doors, they are constantly slamming them, it makes my flat shake and it is really starting to piss me off now, especially when they are doing it at 2am.

I am feeling really low today, yesterday I had a really sore throat, today I have a tickle in my ear, it is driving me nuts. How can a cold make you feel so shit!

Food same as usual, self harm same as usual, every thing same as usual.

long long day

Today has been one heck of a long day, I never go out for more than a few hours, I don't like being out, I don't like being around people, I don't like the unsafety of being away from home, the only times I have been away from home have been for hospital and other things not  by choice.

I went to Swansea today, I live in Wiltshire, Swansea is in Whales, along way away. I had to get up at half 6, I had to leave the house by 10 mins past 7. I got home about half hour ago (8:10ish). I am exhausted, actually exhausted doesn't quite describe it, I am beyond exhausted. I went with two other friends to visit a friend who has just moved to Swansea. I find being around people exhausting, I find keeping up with conversations draining,  I find smiling a chore. I was so anxious about going today and thought of many excuses in my head to not go, but I went. It was good, I think I kept up with everything OK, I had lunch with every one, they had proper lunch, I had a cheese and tomato toasty, which was discretely purged in the toilet before leaving where we had lunch. Later in the afternoon we stopped for coffee, I again indulged and joined everyone in a hot chocolate, mine with skimmed milk (as if that makes much of a difference!), along with a piece of chocolate tiffan cake, unfortunately again purged before continuing on our shopping trip. I got away with it!

I bought some new pyjamas, lovely fleecy ones to keep me warm in this horrible cold snap we are having. The rest of the time I followed my friends loyally around the shops, trying not to loose sight of them and get anxious.

It was a good day, but I am glad it is over and hope not to need to repeat it again for a while, I think it may take months for me to recover. Plus I missed my munchkins more than any one could imagine, after all, I would hate for them to forget me! 

Could self harm have its advantages?

Hey, I think I may have found a positive that can come from such a negative thing as self harm.

I have never been very squeamish, I definitely have no squeamish bone in my now. To the point I have stitched up my own wounds, held a tendon in my own arm whilst the doctor got tweezers to stop it pinging up my arm. So yeah some gross stuff.

Well this evening I used my self harm 'kit' and knowledge to a good use. I have had a little cyst in my mouth for a while, today it had been a lot worse, so I decided to use a bit of home surgery and removed it. It was great fun, I think maybe I should take up a career as a surgeon.

I am not encouraging any one else do this, obviously it is dangerous.  

It's snowing

Yay, it's snowing, it is unheard of for it to snow at this time of year here, it is madness! Shame my heating isn't working properly, I am sooo cold.

I had my appointment with my psychologist, I had so hoped to be able to tell her that I hadn't self harmed, but obviously I had failed at that target. I think she was pleased that I had only done it once, it is a major improvement. We skimmed over food, I avoided answering questions to do with that, I am very good at changing the subject! I guess today was not a day where I was in the mood for food talk.

We talked a lot about how I crave someone looking after me, the wanting I have to go back to being a child and to be taken care of, but this time around it being done properly. Maybe I don't want to be an adult, to be responsible for me, I want to have someone tell me it is all going to be OK, to stroke my hair and give me a kiss on my forehead. I want to be loved, like I should have been loved as a child.

But I can't have that can I? I am an adult, I am on my own, I am responsible for myself. I need to get over my wanting to be a child, I need to move on, only I can look out for myself.  

Knackered

I am knackered, I do not know why I could possibly be so tired, but I am that kind of tired where you  just want to cry, that super emotional kind of tired. I wish it was bed time, but it is only 4:55pm, so can't really go to bed yet.

I had a tiny binge earlier, I had a cornflake cake, a few Thorntons chocolates and a piece of cheese and tomato pizza. I purged after and haven't eaten anything else today and do not plan to. I know tomorrow I will feel the  need to make up for my greediness today and that scares me.

I met with a really good friend today, I have talked about her before, she is so wise and I love her so much. She told me today she is pregnant with her sixth baby, I am over the moon for her, she is an amazing mother, I think sometimes I wish she was my mother. She is a lot older than me in case you haven't guessed. I have never really got on with people of my own age, I have always tended to build friendships with older people. I think when you have had as many problems that I have had and have had the experiences I have had, being around people my own age just doesn't feel right. I don't want to talk about trivial things like what I have bought in a clothes shop or how many times I was sick this morning due to my wild night of drinking last night. It just isn't me any more. I guess I have grown up quickly. I do not drink, I do not go out clubbing, I guess I don't have anything in common with people my own age any more. My life feels to serious.

I would like to say I have made it the full week with out self harming, which was the aim I set. I wanted to go to my appointment tomorrow with my psychologist and be able to say I haven't self harmed. Maybe I set myself to bigger target, I don't no, but I am going to go to my appointment knowing I gave it my absolute best and I am happy with that.

My pain mystery solved

Well the mystery of my ear pain has finely been solved, I have Eustachian Tube Dysfunction. I got to see an out of hours doctor at 10pm last night, by which  time I was in so much pain I wanted to cut my ear off and I had almost lost nearly all of my hearing in my right ear. I have been given some strong painkillers and a steroid nasal spray that will help open up my eustachian tube. I also get to suck a dummy, as apparently that may help, the other option was to suck sweets, that isn't an option for me, due to the fear of calories, so I am sat here sucking a dummy or pacifier as some countries call it.

The bad news is my eustachian ear dysfunction may well have been caused by my excessive amounts of purging. So not only does my ED's affect almost everything in my life, it is even affecting my bloody ears!

Good news is though that I haven't purged for almost a week, the bad news is that is because I have kept my calorie intake even lower than normal, mostly a max of 122 daily. Which is better?

Working really hard on the no self harming, haven't done it since Friday, I almost did yesterday evening, I got all of my stuff out, but managed to pack it all away  again. I think yesterday evening I was in so much pain with my ear, I think I wanted to control that pain with self harm. But I resisted, yay!

My bloody ear again

My earaches are back, my right one is absolutely killing me, I have put up with these earaches for months, they are strange as they only happen in the evening, I no I don't have an ear infection, it just doesn't feel like that type of ear pain, but I don't understand what else it could be. I saw a nurse at my doctors surgery about it about a month ago and she told me it was pressure building up in my ears throughout the day and not to worry. Well tonight my right ear feels like it is going to explode, so I am worried! I have phoned NHS direct, which is a phone  number you call and tell them what's wrong, depending what is wrong you should get a nurse call you back with advice, if they feel like you need to see a doctor, they will arrange it. It is a good service, but I have been told that they are busy, so it could be up to 6 hours before I get a call back. I just want someone to tell me why my ears hurt and what to do to fix it!

Today has been a pyjama day, my sleeping tablets are doing great, so I have had two nights of good sleep, which is a welcome relief, so today I just did nothing, watched a couple of films, caught up on Eastenders, basically I had a day that every one should have on a Sunday, it should be the law.

I definitely feel a lot more positive mentally the last two days, I am determined to use this to my advantage, my next appointment with my psychologist is on Friday, I am determined that this week is going to be the week that when I turn up to my appointment and am asked the dreaded question "have you self harmed this week" I am going to be able to say no, I am going to make sure I am going to be able to say that, this is the week!

Am still not able to increase my calorie intake, to be honest I haven't really tried, I think I am going to focus on fixing one thing at a time, this week is self harm, maybe next week could be increasing my calorie intake.

Doing something nice for my body

Today has all been about doing something nice for my body, I have abused and punished my body so much for so long, so today was all about thanking my body for sticking with me and giving it a treat. I went and had a professional massage, it was amazing, I went into a world I have never been before, my mind left my body, I felt a type of piece I didn't no was possible. It was heaven.

I didn't have to feel embarrassed about the state of my body or ashamed to reveal my bodies secrets as the lady (Natalie) was lovely, so professional and treated my body delicately, like glass, she gave it the respect it has been so badly craving, that is just doesn't get from me.

Doing something nice for my body is something I am going to try and do more often, it deserves it. I am not saying I am going to pop off for a professional massage every week, but I am going to give my body something nice like a new bubble bath or new cream. Anything to say sorry to my body for all I have put it through.

Been a dramatic few days

So it has been a dramatic few days, I am glad they are over and I do not want to repeat them again.

Today I am starting a fresh, I got prescribed sleeping tablets today, only for a week, but a week of good sleep should hopefully help with my extremely exhausted mind and body, in turn I should have more energy to kick start my recovery.

From now on I am going to be 100 percent honest with my psychologist, it is the only way to truly let her help me. She said something earlier that really made me think, she said "I have been holding my arm out to you for three years, it is up to you to take it". She is right, she can't make me better, only I can make me better.

I am fed up with being ill, I am fed up with living my my life on hold. I am going to start to live life properly again.

My new psychiatrist accused me of having a substance abuse problem earlier, not the best way to start on our first appointment together, seeing as I don't have a substance abuse problem. It turned out he had got me mixed up with another patient, a simple mistake to make you may say, but it would have been fine if he had of listened to me when I said he was mistaken, instead he told me I was wrong and spent ages flicking through my file to show me the proof of my addiction, until finally admitting defeat. What a great start!

Any ways, I am off to have a bath, take a sleeping pill and have a good nights sleep, it may only be 20 mins past 8, but I can't wait to get to bed. SLEEP YAY!!!!

I wish I could disappear

I really wish I could just disappear, no longer exist, vanish. I hate this life I am living, well that is if you can call it living. I am exhausted with a never ending battle, I am just waiting for my body to give up on me. It took so much from me yesterday showing my Dad I am fine, I don't want to have to do that again.

I find it hard to talk and communicate with even the most loved of my friends. I feel like every conversation drains a little more from me. Saying something as simple as hi feels like climbing a mountain, so I much rather just stay in my own little bubble.

Even my beautiful Bob and Betty feel like a drain, I love them so so much, they are my world, but everything is exhausting.  

Showing my Dad how well I am

Today has been all about showing my Dad how well I am, putting my Dads mind at rest, making him happy. My Dad has this week off work, so as usual wanted us to go to lunch. I love spending time with my Dad and I hate hurting him, so today was about showing him how well I am doing. I followed him around to all of the shops he needed to go to, laughing at his jokes, talking about memories. Then it came to lunch, we ended up at McDonalds of all places, but like I said, today was all about making my Dad happy. I am vegetarian and have been for over 10 years, so that takes the choice away in there, so I had a vege meal with a coke zero. I slowly and painstakingly ate my way through as much as I could bare, trying to smile. I donated some of it to my Dad, when my stomach couldn't bare to take any more in. I couldn't wait to get home, my Dad wanted to go to Tesco, but I said I really needed to get home, as obviously in my head time was ticking, so he dropped me home.

Of course the lunch had to come back up, it was never going to stay inside me, the plan was to show my Dad how well I am and then go home and once again punish my body.

So today's mission was a success, it may have been really stressful and uncomfortable, it may have been an exercise I would have rather of avoided all together. But it made the person I love so much happy and so was worth every minute of it. 

Loss of feeling in my fingers

At the moment I am suffering terrible loss of feeling in the ends of my fingers, they just feel numb, especially my index fingers. I think it is where my hands are so cold all the time from my ED, I am going to put my gloves on in a minute and see if that will help.

I am still having terrible sleeping problems, my psychologist sent me an email today saying that she thinks that too is down to my ED. Apparently your mind stops your body from sleeping because it wants you to search for food. Makes sense, but that doesn't mean I am going to sleep tonight! I need good old fashioned sleeping tablets, something to knock me out.

Mood wise, I am struggling, I feel like I am just waiting for my body to give up on me, then this can all be over.

Am I actually alive

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I died years ago and this has all been some sort of dream before my sole leaves my body. I definitely don't feel like I am alive, maybe I am in a parallel universe, I just don't no any more. Whatever it is and what ever is going to happen, I wish it would hurry up, I am fed up with this torture.

Nearly cried in New Look

I made a complete plank of myself today, I went to town with a friend, a really good friend of mine. We went into new look, which is a big clothes shop, it was really busy, what with it being Saturday. Suddenly I realised I had lost sight of my friend, I kept calm at first, looked around for her, but pretty soon the old heart starts pounding, I started sweating, everything started to get too noisy. Before I new it I am in a full blown panic attack, crying in the middle of new look. Eventually I was reunited with her, she gave me a cuddle and said why didn't I just call her on her mobile. How bloody simple, why the bloody hell didn't I just call her to ask where she was? Nope I go into a full blown panic attack, make a plank of myself yet again. I am a idiot.

The days feel so much longer

The days feel so much longer at the moment, they aren't, it is just because I am not sleeping half the day away any more, come to think about it I am not sleeping half the night either. I cannot explain my sudden insomnia, my normal dose quetiapine used to knock me out for the night, but these days the nights are long and lonely and go on forever. I need to sleep, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week, so am hoping he can give me something. Sleep is badly needed.

Did something stupid

I did something stupid yesterday, I have been having terrible trouble sleep, yesterday I was just so exhausted and needed to sleep, so I took 10 of my anti psychotics, for no other reason than a desperation to sleep. Lets put it this way, I definitely slept! I do not recommend it to anyone though, as obviously it is dangerous.

I had my appointment with my psychologist today, it was good, although I mentioned my YouTube account, she said I was a dark horse as I had never mentioned it before, I always new I would tell her about it eventually, but I have been avoiding it as I am scared that she will look for it now. I think maybe she was a bit annoyed, as I struggle to tell her things sometimes and here I am telling the internet some of my most personal thoughts and feelings. But it is different writing it here on my blog or making a video for my YouTube channel, none of you know who I am, you no my name is Amy, you know I am 26, blah blah blah, but you don't Know me like she does.

She brought up the topic of my weight, which is something I definitely do not want to talk about. I wish I could talk to her about it, but I can't, I don't think she quite realises how chubby I actually am, I always keep my coat and scarf on when in my appointments, so she probably thinks I weigh less than I do, I think she would be horrified if she saw how chunky I actually am.
Hey lets just hope she isn't reading this now!

I am in agony

I am in agony, as I am sat her typing I am trying not to breathe in too deeply, as every time I do more than a shallow breath I get a shooting through my chest and into my stomach. It hurts A LOT, I am going to snuggle up with a hot water bottle and hope and pray it goes.

Bloody disgusting

Sorry for the lack of blogs, I am really struggling to do basic things at the moment, so blogging isn't the top of my list. I do however have to confess to something disgusting I did this evening, I ate a massive chunk of french baguette bread that had been in my bin for 2 days. I will leave you to make up your minds as to exactly how disgusting that is.

Strange question for you

I have a strange question for you, do you think it is wrong to love your therapist? I have been seeing my psychologist weekly for over three years now, she knows more about me than any body else in the entire world, I trust her more than I ever trusted anyone in my life. I have developed a love for her, obviously it is not a sexual love, or a love that you would feel for a family member, it is a type of love I have never felt before. It is a warm type of love, a trusting type of love, a comforting type of love. I feel like she really wants me to get better and truly cares what happens to me. I also feel this deep urge to make her proud of me, I want to show her I can do things, I guess it is like wanting to please a parent as a child.

Is this wrong?

Appointment with my psychologist

I had my weekly appointment with my psychologist, we talked through so many memories that I haven't ever discussed with any one, they just kept pouring out of me, I cried so much, I hate crying.

I think I almost felt like I was grieving, grieving for a little girl, but that little girl was me. I think this is a process that I really needed to do and probably need to do more. I never had the childhood I deserved and I think I am finally starting to realise that fact.

I wish I could go back in time and have a different childhood, I wish I could change my teenage years and most of all I wish I could take back some of the things I put myself through in my early twenties. I have been abused, but worst of all I have abused my own body, almost beyond recognition. But I cannot change any of these things, I can only accept them and accept it wasn't my fault.

I am grieving for myself.

I am getting sicker

I am getting sicker, but to be honest I don't want it to stop any more. I would be quite happy to die from anorexia, in fact that seems like the only way out of this hell.

Since my binge the other day I have consumed 162 calories per day, my body is getting weak, so is my mind. I do not want to try any more. I give up.