Bit by bit it takes everything away

Bit by bit metal illness has taken everything away, it takes my body, my friends, my family, my joy for life, everything. My body is truly fucked, inside and out, I am not sure what I have left any more. I look at what I have done to my body, I do not feel anything for my body any more, I used to feel great sadness for my body, now nothing.

Mental illness is cruel, so many people think I can just stop, decide to get better and it happens, what they don't realise is there is only so long you can fight, there is only so long you can tackle the limbo between life and death. Then you become too tired, you give up and allow it to swallow you.

I have tried to kill myself so many times over the years, overdoses, cutting my wrists (not in a usual self harm way), lying in the middle of a busy road, walking down dark alley ways in the middle of the night hoping someone would murder me, starving. My biggest fear these days is that I will try again and fail again. That is one of the most horrible feelings, when you pluck up the courage, you do the deed and then you wake up in a hospital bed and someone tells you how lucky you are to be alive. All you can think is how much of a failure you are. I remember time after time being led in hospital, my Dad holding my hand, crying, begging me to never do it again, I remember my boyfriend at the time telling me how selfish I am and asking if I had did it to get at him. The truth is I am really selfish and I don't think about  anyone, only myself, I can't bare to think about my family, I definitely never used to think of my boyfriend at the time. The only thoughts were for myself and the need to escape.

I am rambling now, I am going to hop in the bath, I haven't had a wash or brushed my teeth or hair since Wednesday, the joys of depression. To top it off Bob has just vomited all over the back of the sofa, my day gets better and better.

Feeling lost

I am feeling really lost, I had a appointment with my psychologist today, dues to the Royal Wedding my weekly routine has been messed up and that always sends me into a mass of anxiety. I asked what will happen when I am discharged and said that I am scared of not having any support. She said that I could get in contact with groups in the community, I can't really remember who she said, to be honest I wasn't really listening. She said that she can understand that I am scared, but I have had therapy for a long time and that I have been quite open about my unwillingness to change things, so there is no point in having therapy any more. I get what she says, I have had a lot of therapy and recently I have given up on wanting to change, but that is after years of trying so hard, of giving it everything I could and getting no where. I feel anyone would feel disheartened.

Around Christmas I was honest with her about my plans to starve myself to death, my psychologist sat by and watched as I went to a BMI of under 15, I was offered no extra help, just continued seeing my psychologist once a week, who is not a eating disorder specialist, every week I was told her my plans were still the same, she would say the same things and send me away with the task of thinking about why I was doing this etc. I was given NO other support. Just after Christmas the binge monster set in, I felt devastated, not because I was gaining weight and getting fat, but because every pound I gained was a pound further away from my goal of starving until I died. I even wrote this in a letter to my psychologist, I said to her that that was why I was so distressed, that my goal was getting further away, still I have had no extra support.

I am crying as I am typing this, I feel so so low. What do I want from her? I do not no any more, but I no being discharged is not fair. I should be being offered more help, not having it taken away.

Over the last few years I have done so much damage to my body, yes I no I have done it, nobody made me do it, but nobody tried to stop me either. Nobody has reached out to protect me. I have to confess I am jealous, when I see some of the support other people have had, I wonder what it would have been like if I had of had the same.

I love my psychologist, she is the only person in the world that I have ever truly let in, but I feel like she has just sat back and let me destroy myself. Once when my self harming was massively out of control, I had had operation after operation on my wrists in a matter on months due to cutting the tendons again and again, my family rang my psychologist and begged her to do something, to have me sectioned, she said that if I was determined to hurt myself then I would do it no matter where I was. Can you imagine how distressing that was for my family, I no it was me doing it so it is my fault, but nobody tried to protect me, I just got the same one hour a week with my psychologist. I was so ill, I must have been to be carving into my wrists the way I was, why didn't someone protect me?

All along it has been the same, the only times anything else has been offered was when my CMHT were starting a DBT course, I went for an appointment to see if I could join the course, I was denied because I was to unwell, I couldn't even hold a conversation at the time, I was too anxious, too depressed. So it carried on the hour a week with my psychologist. Maybe I expect to much, like I say I love my psychologist, she has helped me a lot, but I do not no what to do any more.

Bloody hell, I can hardly see the screen as I am crying so much. My original goal is back, this time the binge monster isn't going to ruin it, I guess one good thing about the fact I am being discharged in June is that there will be nobody to interfere, but mind you nobody would have done any ways. 

Mood has taken a plunge again

My mood has taken a plunge again today, I have been very tearful and have felt exhausted physically and mentally. As I am sat here now my eyes are stinging from crying, but I have nothing to cry about. I have self harmed several times today, I am trying hard not to do it again tonight, but I am not really sure what else to do with  myself. I am trying to remember what my psychologist would be telling me to do, I can hear her in my head "distract yourself" "you wont feel better once you have done it" etc etc. Sometimes it is easier to just give in.

I feel quite scared at the moment, my pattern seems to be changing, I think my moods are becoming more rapid in their cycle. I was on top of the world the other day, now I am really low, I am not used to flicking this quickly.

I was so determined the other day that recovery was going to happen with regards to my ED, I told everyone that this was it, I was going to get better. Now that seems like a distant memory, I have no enthusiasm for it any more, in fact I have lost weight. I dunno, I just don't really know what to do with myself.

Update on Bob and Betty

I have finally got around to updating Bob and Bettys blog 

http://thebobandbettydiaries.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-have-rather-neglected-this-blog.html

Maybe I will be able to sleep now!!!

Anxiety got the better of me

Some of my friends invited me for a day out by the sea side today, anxiety got the better of me, also the fact that I am so lame.

The reasons I couldn't go:

~ I can only cope with me around people for an hour, maybe sometimes two hours, but then I need to be alone
~I wouldn't be able to have an afternoon nap
~I would have to talk to people, be smiley, jolly, show interest in things
~Food, they would want lunch, snacks, ice creams
~ I hate being away from Bob and Betty for more than a few hours, I get extremely anxious that something may happen to them or they will need me
~ I would look like a plank on a day out at the seaside with my cardigan on, but taking it off would not be an option due to my fucked up arms.
~I have no money, I have £1.75 to last me until Tuesday
~ I just can't be arsed

For fucks sake I am 26 years old, how lame am I?

Nothing too drastic

So there was nothing too drastic to be heard at the doctors, I have very low iron due to the fact I have been bleeding a fair amount from my bottom. I am going to have a colonoscopy to check the source of the bleeding, but it is most likely to be internal hemeroids, but the main thing is nothing of concern (other than the iron) showed up in the blood test to indicate the bleeding is anything sinister.

My mood is a lot better, I am feeling a lot brighter. I feel a bit of a glow around me at the moment. I had my weekly appointment with my psychologist today rather than my usual Friday slot as obviously it is a bank holiday tomorrow. I talked a lot about my fear of food and about a strange habit I have picked up recently. The best way to describe it is that I become extremely obsessed and pre occupied about a certain food, but it becomes such an obsession that I actually eat it to stop myself obsessing over it. Which in turn makes me more anxious about it as I have eaten it. I probably haven't explained that very well, it is a hard thing to explain, but it is a relatively new thing that has been happening. I may make a video about it as it will be easier to explain.

I have had to have my jaw manipulated 4 days in a row as it has been locking. I am also having a problem with my left thumb at the moment, I hope the bone disease isn't developing there too.

I had my tenancy agreement for my new flat come through the other day, it makes it seem so real, I still find it hard to completely accept it is finally happening, it still feels like a bit of a dream. I watch the builders over there working on the roof of the building I am moving into, I will be able to move in as soon as they have finished. Maybe I could bribe them with cups of coffee and cakes to go faster!

Very worried

My GP has been trying to ring me all day, he has left an answer phone message saying he needs to discuss my blood test results with me ASAP, I wasn't due to get the results until Friday, he even tried ringing me at my parents house. I am shitting myself, he seems desperate to get hold of me, there must be something wrong. I am to scared to call back.

Thank you to Lotte for your comment on my blog yesterday, we both know the reality of how we can come up with these wonderful ideas of how we are going to do this and that and be so sure we are going to change the world and then the next day our minds do a complete U turn. But I am hoping I can make it last this time :)

A gift from nature

Today I received that gift from nature, my period. I have not had it for so long, I have known it was coming for over a week, the tell tell stomach cramps, bloating, tender breasts. My ED behaviours have not been as extreme recently, days of restricting followed by days of binging and purging, although the binging has reduced by about 50%. My weight seems to fluctuate between the same 3 pounds, I gain it and lose it then gain it again, so on. But compared to Christmas I am up about 13 pounds. So the weight gain has obviously pushed my body to the point where mother nature has given me that lovely gift back.

Now lets talk about how this makes me feel. Horrified, I feel like a failure. At Christmas my plan was so sure, I was going to starve until I died, I was so determined. I miss that determination. I miss being so sure about something. I feel like a failure, but do you know what most makes me feel like a failure? I am not sure if I do want to die any more. I actually think I may seriously want to try and want life.

I WANT TO LIVE

No pretending any more, this is real, I want to be here to move to my new flat, I want to be here to watch my babies (Bob, Betty, Ben and Molly) grow, they need me.

Now the hardest fight starts, the fight to live.

We just want you to be happy

That is what my Dad said to me today, I have such a hold over my family, they walk on egg shells around me, they are scared to speak to me in case either they say the wrong thing and upset me or they start me off crying and I have a full blown break down. It makes me think back to all I have put them through, what I have done to them. My family have had to witness things they should never of had to have.

A few years ago my sister looked after me solidly for a month after I cut both of my wrists at the same time and had surgery to repair them and could not use my hands. She took care of me like a child, she washed me, dressed me, brushed my hair and fed me, she would then drop me at our parents who would look after me whilst she was at work, she would pick me up on her way home and continue taking care of me. This is my  younger sister, I should be taking care of her, not the other way around.

 If I ring my parents home phone and ask to speak to someone I can hear the panic, the person who answered will rush to get the person I asked for on the line, panicking in case I am ringing because I have done something, am in hospital or even at the police station. They take the phone to bed with them, just in case.

My youngest brother who is now 15 is my best friend, but I feel like he feels he has to be, I love being near him as I no I am safe when he is here. But does he feel that I need him and feel he has a duty to spend time with me? He should be out with his friends, not spending evenings with his sister watching Eastenders.

I have a hold over people, a power. I hate it.

Locked Jaw

My jaw locked shut today for a couple of hours, the muscles in my left side now ache so much. I guess there is no avoiding that my bone disease is destroying what is left of my TMJ. I am seeing the senior surgeon in June, I do not want the operation again and was hoping things could be put off for a while, but it is looking like I am going to need it sooner rather than later. I am scared they are going to say I need the whole joint replaced, which will be even more of a major operation. After the first operation I was left with damaged muscles on the left side of my face which affected the closing of my left eye, it took a lot of physio to get that back, what happens if that happens again?

June is going to be one heck of a busy month, I am being discharged form the CMHT, moving flat, my sisters birthday and seeing the surgeon to find out what the plan is.

What ever is going to happen surgery wise I know that in the mean time they will make me a splint for my jaw, I have had three different ones over the last few years, they are horrible, very painful, and gross. I threw them all away as I was so sure that things were never going to go backwards with my jaw, very ignorant of me.

The fun begins.

For those of you that haven't seen them I have included the lovely photos from my last operation, at least I have a good photo collection from all of this!

Left to die?

I have been thinking and that is what it feels like. I am being discharged not because I am better, but because I am NOT better. I am so scared.

Being discharged

Oh yes, you have read it right, I am 'working towards discharge'. The plan is to discharge me from the CMHT in June. I have had more than my allotted amount of therapy and my psychologist says that I do not want to get better so there is no point in having more. The services are overstretched and so it is bye bye to me. I have been seeing my psychologist for over three years, I have failed to make significant progress, there are other people she could help. I am scared, scared of not having  that support network, granted I don't really  use it, but it is reassuring that it is there.

I wish I could have a CPN just to monitor me, someone to check in with and off load on, but they are too over run. I don't want to be on my own.

Rectal examination

I have just had a rectal examination, not the most enjoyable moment of my life. The bleeding that I have mentioned before has continued and I finally decided to get it checked out. That meant though that the fact I have missed my blood tests and weight check was noticed, bugger. I refused to be weighed, but have agreed to have my bloods done tomorrow. Mainly because they are not going to be just checking for the usual stuff they want to look for stuff to do with my bottom problem.

I had to ask the people below me to be quiet at half 12 again, they were fighting, shouting, screaming and banging. The noise is ridiculous, I have been told to call the police instead of going down there, but I feel silly calling the police and saying they are being noisy, they have better things to do. But my neighbours are very intimidating, but last night I had just had enough and went and shouted at them.

Self harm has been bad recently, lots of cutting, I have very little control over it at the moment. Food, well that is very up and down, I seem to go through a few days of restricting followed by a few days of binging and purging. But bit by bit my weight is creeping up. My face feels really full and my stomach feels very bloated and heavy. I miss starving, when I think back to around Christmas time where I never ate above 200 calories every day and I look at myself now, it is like two completely different people. I miss the dedication I had and can't understand why it is so different now. What scares me though is I have been here before, this pattern has happened so many times over the years and I know that unless I can get the control back my weight is going to just keep creeping up. If my weight goes up much more my BMI will no longer be in the anorexic category.

It always amazes me

It always amazes me how quickly I can go from being on top of the world to being suicidal. I am sat here listening to my 'sad' music, I am sure we all do it, when you are feeling extremely low, we put on a certain set of songs that give us permission to cry, permission to indulge in our depression and self loathing. Why not put on happy music? something to cheer us up? I no the answer, it is because finally I am feeling something and although it is dark, twisted, horrible, it is something.

I go for such long periods of time not feeling, in a weird limbo, I smile for people and when they ask how I am I say great. But I don't really feel anything, I am emotionless. So when the depression comes, although it is horrible, it is something. I can feel depression, it feels familiar, almost safe, not physically safe, but emotionally safe.

I have cancelled all plans for the next few days, I need to be alone, I do not want to have to try and smile for people. I just want to wallow in my own self pity.

My moving date has been postponed to June, which I am actually really pleased about as that is the last thing I want to have to think about at the moment, its not even a case of not wanting to think about it, I can't think about it, it is to big, it requires energy, energy I do not have.

What have I done wrong?

If you have read my last post you will be aware that I am having trouble with someone who feels I have manipulated the system, that I do not deserve compassion as the abuse I suffered as a child was not serious enough, along with other things. This really hurts. I do not understand where this person is getting this from, I have only ever mentioned that I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse, I have never gone into any details of this and do not intend to, I have talked about the affect this has on my life today, but have never talked about what happened. So I do not understand where this person has got the information from that they have used to come to these conclusions.

I have not manipulated the system to get my flat, the system in itself would be extremely hard to manipulate even if I wanted to. I have been on the housing register for 4 years, waiting for my turn to be allocated somewhere. I Moved into my current flat which is a private rent 6 years ago, I worked hard to pay for my flat and loved being independent. I had a job which I loved and completely supported myself. I then became extremely unwell and could not cope with the 50 hours a week I was working, so cut down to 30 hours, I was determined to keep my job. I then became even more unwell and spent time in and out of hospital after a number of suicide attempts, I was then not allowed to stay in my flat as I was a danger to myself, so was made to live with my parents, my older brother moved into my flat and I took his bedroom at my parents.

Things continued to get worse and after another suicide attempt I was forced to tall my boss I needed time to get well again, she then sacked me. I was gutted to lose my job, that was the last thing I had to hold onto. I continued to stay with my parents and my brother stayed in my flat. My brother paid towards the rent and my parents made up the rest. My parents new if I lost my flat to, that then I really would have lost everything from when I was well. My family kept my flat for me and I am so grateful for that. I continued to live with my parents as well as spending time in and out of hospital for 4 months. During that time I started claiming incapacity benefits, I was to ill to do this, so it was done on my behalf.

After 4 months with my parents my boyfriend suggested that I should move back to my flat and he would move in with me to keep me safe. I needed to get out of my parents and being there was really hard for me, so I agreed and we moved back to my flat together. I still was only claiming incapacity benefits and at this point had never claimed housing benefits or any other benefits. Unfortunately after a few months living with my partner our relationship went down hill and we split up. This is when I started claiming housing benefits, but due to the fact I was under the age of 25 I was not eligible to full housing benefits, as up to the age of 25 you are able to claim the amount to cover a room in a shared house. My incapacity benefits did not come close to covering the amount I still needed to pay, let alone anything else. At the time I was seeing a mental health support worker who looked further into this on my behalf and found that there was something called the discretionary fund, she applied for me to be allocated some money from this to help pay my rent, which luckily I was. She then found a really lovely lady from our local Independent Living Centre who was a benefits advisor who said that she thought I should make a claim for DLA. By the time my DLA was awarded I had turned 25 and was then entitled to full housing benefits.

I continued living in my flat, then one day I discovered a rat, then another and so on. I have not just a few rats, but an infestation. I have the main nest under my kitchen floor boards and in my loft. That means when any one in my street lays rat poison, they come back to my flat to die. The smell when they do so is horrendous, the smell of decaying rats lasts weeks, then I get millions of flies. I have live rats in my flat, sometimes on a daily basis. Not only that my floor is collapsing, my flat is falling apart literally. I have tried to move out, but as I claim housing benefits I cannot find a landlord that is willing to take me, they all say no automatically to housing benefits. So I have been stuck here fighting to get repairs done and to get the rats sorted. Before Christmas I got an advocate to try and fight on my behalf to get repairs done. Environmental health have been involved, nobody wants to live her, but at the moment I do not have the choice to move out.

So can you imagine the excitement when I get a phone call out of the blue from the housing people saying they have got me a flat. I could not believe it, I had been on the register for 4 years and had given up hope that they would re home me. I have been so happy about the thought of getting out of this place and having a fresh start, but some person has decided that I do not deserve it and that I have manipulated the system. This hurts, I never chose for any of this to happen. I had never planned to be on benefits, I have done 3 different voluntary jobs since I have been off work when I have been feeling well enough to do so and when I went through a period of being really well I was looking at starting training through one of the voluntary jobs, but then I got sick again and could no longer go.

I should not have to justify myself, but I feel like I have no option but to do so. I have no idea why this person feels they have the right to judge whether I am worthy of being re homed, but I hope they could make a more informed opinion after reading this. I have blocked the person involved from my YouTube, but seeing as they seem so determined to put their feelings across I am sure they will just make another YouTube account or something.

This is really pissing me off now

I have had someone who read my blog and then went to my YouTube channel, they wrote the following

I read ur blog and directed to this to hear you saying how bad ur flat is now. You make a house a home. Ppl everywhere are discontented with wot they have but u have lived there 6 years? Can't be that bad n now u manipulate the system to get a 2 bedroom apartment. Y the F***K do u need 2 bedrooms? U R living off the system free of charge and you are given a 2 bed flat when there r ppl bed blocking in hospitals cos they have serious physical disabilities n cant go to their former homes!!!

This really upset me and I wrote the following back

Hey everyone is entitled to their own opinions and to be honest I am not in the mood to argue with you,I have not manipulated the system,if you lived in the flat I have been living in you would understand why I needed to move,I have been on the housing register for 4 years,I am very lucky to be given a 2 bedroomed flat,I never 'picked' this flat it was given to me and yes I am very lucky.I worked extremely hard before I became to ill to work and have every intention of returning to work once I am well enough to do so,so in the mean time yes I do live off benefits.When I am better I will once again resume paying my taxes.I hope that one day you never get poorly and need to claim benefits as then you will realise how it feels to be judged.

On a recent inspection to my flat by the environmental health they discovered that the water tank in my loft was uncovered and there was rat faeces around it,would you be happy to brush your teeth in that water?

Then this evening I get the following


U cannot 'assume' i dont know what it is like to be ill & suffer disability - i have suffered much much more more than i care to share and yet ppl may say envy or jealously prompted me to air my views, but the truth is i dont envy for me for any self gain, i feel for those who go without due to SERIOUS misfortune - i feel for those who suffer severe neglect and serious abuse; dont 'assume' i dont have it in my capacity to show compassion to THOSE who truly deserve respect and support!

This is what my psychologist said to the first message


Hi Amy, Thats not very nice is it?. Sadly, there will always be people who hold opinions like this, but they don't know the full story do they? Just ignore it Amy, remember that self compassion we were talking about friday. You need to be kind to yourself and part of this is accepting some people may think such things but you know the full story and you know that you deserve to live in a flat that is free of rats and you're only on benefits as you have been unwell and you're working towards getting yourself well, getting a job and ultimately giving back to society. Don't let this spoil your excitement, Julie

 I no that her opinion is the only one that should matter as she knows everything about me, but it still hurts. It makes me doubt myself.

Today is proving a struggle

I feel extremely low today, maybe the excitement of moving has worn off, I don't no. I went into town with my Dad to drop off my notice for my current flat, I felt nothing. Since then I have come home and slept, I feel drained and teary. I have been on such a high since the offer of the flat, now I feel like I have completely crashed.

OMG OMG OMG OMG

I am moving, it is official, I have been offered the flat. I am getting out of this place, Bob, Betty, Ben and I are getting out of here.

Forms are on their way in the post, I have to fill them in and send them back, then I will be given a moving date. I cannot wait, a fresh start.

It is really funny, I can see my new flat out of my window, I keep looking at it.

:)

The excitement is unreal

I am not used to looking forward to things, being excited by things. I have spent so many years without emotion, or if I have a bit of emotion then nit is a sad one. The feeling of being excited is really foreign, it actually makes me feel sick. I had my home assessment today, it went really well, apparently it was more of a formality than anything insignificant, but it felt major to me. They were lovely and wanted to know what they could do to help me, how they could make the move as easy as possible for me giving my 'condition'. It was odd having someone so concerned about making things easy for me, for the last 6 years I have had to fight to have basic repairs done in my flight, it has been a struggle. Suddenly I have people asking how they can help me, it was really nice.

They are just waiting for my landlords reference, apparently they are hanging about, this doesn't surprise me as they are pains in the asses. But once they have received that and it is a fine reference, which it should be, then I could be moving as soon as 2 weeks.

It all seems like a dream, when you are used to having bad thing after bad thing happen, when something good happens it takes a while to believe it. I am scared that someone is going to turn around and tell me it is a joke, that they have changed their mind. But do you know what my biggest fear that has been racing around my head? I am scared that as something good is happening for me, that means something bad is going to happen to my Dad, I take all the bad things for him, I protect him, that is why I don't mind being ill sometimes, as I know that it protects my Dad. If I am getting something good then I am scared my Dad is going to be punished for it. I spoke to my psychologist about this and she said it wont happen, I want to believe her, but if it does happen then it will be too late to fix it. I take the pain for my Dad because I love him so much, if something does happen to him now I know it will have been because of me, how can I live with that?

It is half past four in the afternoon, the offices will shut at 5pm, so it is unlikely I will get the final decission today, I hope my Landlord gets there bums in gear soon.

I have been poorly

I have had a horrible virus the last few days, I have felt rotten. Yesterday I tried to go on the computer for a bit, but latest 5 mins, then I couldn't focus on the screen as my eyes were all wobbly, it is only then that you realise how much you use the computer.

I have my assessment tomorrow to see if I am suitable to move into the flat being offered. It actually hurts with excitement, I feel like a 5 year old on Christmas eve, every minute feels like an hour. I have to impress tomorrow, as long as I get through the home assessment the flat will be mine. I cannot bare the waiting, I know I have a roof over my head and should be grateful, but I have lived in this dump for nearly 6 years, I am not exaggerating when I say it is falling apart, the floor is collapsing, there is a huge crack going all up the wall in my bedroom and it has started to spread along the ceiling. Obviously you have heard about the rats, so I don't need to go on about that. My flat shakes when buses and lorries go past and considering I live on a main road, it shakes almost constantly, this is probably the cause of the crack. I have neighbours from hell, every Friday and Saturday night they have parties, get drunk and then fight. I have had to go down and ask them to be quiet so many times, also I have had to call the police. I have been  told now that it is to dangerous for me to go down myself at 12:30 at night, so I have been told to call the police every time from now on. I just want to mind my own business and go to sleep, not get involved in all of this stress.

I have lost 3 pounds over the last few days from being ill. The problem is that is very triggering. Now all I can think is that I could turn that into 4 pounds, then 5 pounds and before you know it I am going to be in trouble again. I cannot afford to be going backwards at the moment, going forwards is the only option. I had this sudden moment of realisation the other day, I went to buy some new jeans and the only ones that fitted were from the childrens section, they were for 12 year olds. I am 26 years old, I am wearing jeans for a prepubescent child and that is after gaining 11 pounds over the last few months. Maybe people are right, maybe I am not quite as fat I think I am, I am only saying maybe mind.

Any ways, thank you to everyone who has wished me luck for tomorrow, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Hey I could always slip the lady who is coming to asses me £10 if things aren't going well :P

could this be bye bye to the rats?

I need to emphasise that I cannot get to excited, nothing is definite, but there is a good chance that I could finally be moving out of my rat infested flat. I had a phone call today saying that there is a property become available, I am having a home assessment on  Thursday at 12pm to make sure I am going to be a suitable tenant, they are going to ask my current landlord for a reference and if both of those go well then they may make me an offer. I could cry, the sense of relief is unbelievable, I have lived in this flat for 6 years, I have a rat infestation, my floor is collapsing, I had to call the police out on Saturday night due to my neighbours from hell, I have been so unwell in this flat, it has some horrible memories. I need out, I need a new start, some where fresh (that isn't falling apart and infested with rats).

Could this be it? I am scared to be too excited in case it doesn't go through, but at the same time I can't help but plan my fresh start, my move. I thinking of how I am going to decorate it, what furniture I will have, the colour schemes. I don't even know what the flat looks like, all I know is that it is in the block of flats opposite where I currently live, it has 2 bedrooms, it is the block of flats that my parents lived in when they first got married in the 1970's.

Please let it work out. Could you all keep your fingers crossed for me, please. I just have to sit tight until the home assessment on Thursday :)

Migraine from hell

I have had the most painful migraine ever today, it made me physically sick twice, the pain was so intense. I am blaming my psychologist, she stresses me out (only joking).

I had my weekly appointment with my psychologist this morning, it was okay, a bit of a tearful one, but on the whole it was not bad. I need to come up with a plan for next week as to what I want us to be working on, what goals I want to work towards over the next few months. Weight loss is obviously not a goal she would agree with, not self harming is one she would be over the moon with, I just need to think of a few more. She kept saying things like "your knee is smaller than my elbow", hmm, that kind of thing annoys me, but I no she says it because she wants me to see what everyone else sees and not what I see. I am going to get my bloods done on Tuesday, decided to stop fighting that one, but I will NOT have my weight done.

Bob is being super snugly today, I love that cat so much :)