Today I received that gift from nature, my period. I have not had it for so long, I have known it was coming for over a week, the tell tell stomach cramps, bloating, tender breasts. My ED behaviours have not been as extreme recently, days of restricting followed by days of binging and purging, although the binging has reduced by about 50%. My weight seems to fluctuate between the same 3 pounds, I gain it and lose it then gain it again, so on. But compared to Christmas I am up about 13 pounds. So the weight gain has obviously pushed my body to the point where mother nature has given me that lovely gift back.
Now lets talk about how this makes me feel. Horrified, I feel like a failure. At Christmas my plan was so sure, I was going to starve until I died, I was so determined. I miss that determination. I miss being so sure about something. I feel like a failure, but do you know what most makes me feel like a failure? I am not sure if I do want to die any more. I actually think I may seriously want to try and want life.
I WANT TO LIVE
No pretending any more, this is real, I want to be here to move to my new flat, I want to be here to watch my babies (Bob, Betty, Ben and Molly) grow, they need me.
Now the hardest fight starts, the fight to live.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
YES YES YES YES :D
ReplyDeleteYes to the period
Yes to wanting to live
Yes to your positive outlook
(i know that this could change BUT lets enjoy it for today at least!!!))
x x x x
Seconding Lotte's comment. Just got mine back recently and, after a few days indulging irrationality, came around to seeing it as the universe, the world, life embracing me. Saying 'Yes, I'll have you if you want to join'. Yes, I'll afford you the ingenious natural order to which you imagined you couldn't be privy and from which you exiled yourself in the belief you could override biology. Yes, I'll protect and delight you in ways you never dreamed possible. So the period... a little inconvenient. Scary in the ED context. But beautiful. Symbolic. Pivotal. Just say YES (and keep up the awesome work)! xo
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