The excitement is unreal

I am not used to looking forward to things, being excited by things. I have spent so many years without emotion, or if I have a bit of emotion then nit is a sad one. The feeling of being excited is really foreign, it actually makes me feel sick. I had my home assessment today, it went really well, apparently it was more of a formality than anything insignificant, but it felt major to me. They were lovely and wanted to know what they could do to help me, how they could make the move as easy as possible for me giving my 'condition'. It was odd having someone so concerned about making things easy for me, for the last 6 years I have had to fight to have basic repairs done in my flight, it has been a struggle. Suddenly I have people asking how they can help me, it was really nice.

They are just waiting for my landlords reference, apparently they are hanging about, this doesn't surprise me as they are pains in the asses. But once they have received that and it is a fine reference, which it should be, then I could be moving as soon as 2 weeks.

It all seems like a dream, when you are used to having bad thing after bad thing happen, when something good happens it takes a while to believe it. I am scared that someone is going to turn around and tell me it is a joke, that they have changed their mind. But do you know what my biggest fear that has been racing around my head? I am scared that as something good is happening for me, that means something bad is going to happen to my Dad, I take all the bad things for him, I protect him, that is why I don't mind being ill sometimes, as I know that it protects my Dad. If I am getting something good then I am scared my Dad is going to be punished for it. I spoke to my psychologist about this and she said it wont happen, I want to believe her, but if it does happen then it will be too late to fix it. I take the pain for my Dad because I love him so much, if something does happen to him now I know it will have been because of me, how can I live with that?

It is half past four in the afternoon, the offices will shut at 5pm, so it is unlikely I will get the final decission today, I hope my Landlord gets there bums in gear soon.