Lost weight

Well I have lost most of the weight I gained on my mammoth binge last week. I no it isn't a good thing, but it makes me feel a bit happier.

I have done nothing at all today, I took a sleeping tablet when I woke up this morning, that way I was able to sleep most of the day away. I no that is a bad habit that I have got into, but it seems like the lesser of two evils, at least when I am asleep I can't do damage to myself.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, I am going to try and last longer than 10 mins after last weeks disastrous appointment, but the trouble is I am still not in the mood to talk. I think I have given up on therapy, at least for now.

I am not sure what to do with myself

I just don't seem to know what to do with myself today, the thoughts in my head are so dark and they scare me. Have self harmed badly again, but I don't really care to be honest. I am just going to go to bed and start the process all over again tomorrow.

Depression is in full swing

Well my depression is definitely back in full swing, it has never really gone away, just eased for a while, but now it is getting its own back. I was in bed by 6:30 pm yesterday, purely for the reason that at least if I pop a sleeping pill and go to bed, then I don't have to be awake and concious.

Today has been a long drawn out day, I gave Bob and Betty their tea without looking at the clock at 1:30 thinking it was later. I am going to go to bed in a minute, it is 7:30 pm. I just want to sleep for the next year, actually make that the rest of my life.

I went to my appointment with my psychologist yesterday and only stayed 10 mins, I couldn't talk, I just felt like crying, I wasn't in the right mood to analyse my week, so I asked to go home. My appointment is on Tues with her next week, so that is earlier than my usual Friday slot.

I just want to cry.

I am a fuck up

There has been a noticeable drop in my mood today, I have been very tearful, I hate it. Also I have self harmed quite badly this evening and after hours of trying to sort it out at home I have now accepted I am going to have to pop to the hospital for stitches. This makes me feel like even more of a failure as I haven't required stitches for a few months. I just feel like I haven't taken a step backwards, I have taken a leap.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, but I am not in the mood to analyse my week. I would rather erase this week, act like it never happened.

One long binge

So in my last post I was upset as I had badly binged that day, well that day turned into 6 long days of solid binging. I am mortified, this has never happened to me before, in all of my years of suffering from anorexia and bulimia, I have never gone a massive long binge like this, there was no distinction between binges apart from breaks for sleeping and purging. It was like my body was on this roller coaster and there was no way to stop it. I don't really remember much about it, I no that sounds a bit weird, but it felt like my brain was switched off and my body was running itself. I actually do think it was like some sort of instinct, a survival instinct I guess.

But it is over now, I woke up this morning and before even getting out of bed I new it was over, I woke up knowing that today I would stick to under 200 calories and that it wouldn't be a problem. I have had no thoughts of binging, no drive to eat anything other than what I had planned. So I am guessing my body has got what it so badly required and is happy to once again leave me to get on with things.

So what is the damage weight wise, well my BMI is no longer under 15, logically I no this is a good thing, but the anorexic part of me sees this as a challenge, the challenge of course is to see how quickly I can get it back to what is was, how quickly I can undo the damage that my 6 day long binge has done.

Binged and it wasn't binge day

I binged badly today and it wasn't binge day, I feel so disappointed in myself, I needed to wait until Friday, so why did I do it today? Now my whole routine in ruined and I don't know if I can cope with that. I need my routine, it is the only thing getting me through at the moment, it makes me feel in control and now I have fucked that up.

Lets try and list what I binged on (thats if I can remember it all)

2 chocolate eclairs
2 chocolate iced doughnuts
2 chocolate shape desserts
a chocolate sponge pudding with custard (low calorie ones)
a packet of salted popcorn
a packet of chocolate cornflake cake bites
a treat size bag of malteasers
a treat size bag of minstrels
a large bar of dairy milk chocolate
2 pitta breads
4 slices of quorne vege chicken
50g of sugar snapped peas
a slice of vege pizza
a piece of garlic bread
a handfull of potato wedges

I think that is about it. The joys of an eating disorder. By the way, I have purged well over 20 times today, but as we all know, that only gets rid of approx half the calories.

I wanted to do it for him

My Dad and I went to town today, he was so desperate for me to have something to eat, every few minutes he would say something like "why don't we get some cake from in there" or "you used to love the cake in here". He was trying so hard, it nearly made me cry, I wanted to make him happy, I want to stop him from being so worried, but I couldn't do it. I just kept saying "I am OK thanks" or "not today thanks". I wish I could do it for him, but it just wasn't possible.

I think that is the hardest thing about having an eating disorder, it isn't the affect it has on you, it is what it does to your family, I am bit by bit destroying them too.

A few years ago, when I was extremely suicidal and had been actively trying to kill myself, my 17 year old cousin died in a car crash. After his funeral, whilst walking back  to the car, my Mum looked at me and said "please don't make me have to bury you", I don't think I have ever cried so much, hearing here saying that. It feels the same at the moment, I am slowly killing myself and am making my family watch. How selfish does that make me, or should  I say how selfish does anorexia make me.

VERY TRIGGERING

This is going to be a very triggering and honest post, so please only read if you feel comfortable to.

I sit her now, it is quarter to eleven, I feel sick, dehydrated, tired, weak, disgusting, sad, drained, I could keep going on, but I think you get the picture. I want to describe to you in whole my entire week, no holding back.

From last Saturday until this morning the most calories in one day that I have consumed was on Wednesday, when I 'failed', that day I was feeling rather suicidal after I ate 43 calories over my daily limit of 200 calories. This was the first time in ages I had been so weak, I consumed an extra portion of birdseye steam fresh vegetables. I felt like a complete and utter failure. Vegetables for fucks sake and I am there thinking my life is over because I have munched a bag of vegetables. But you see, that is how in-grossed I get in my world of starvation, every single calorie counts, in my mind I am constantly doing sums in my head, working out the total, writing lists of what I consumed, when, how many calories.

But you see, the rules are not the same on a Friday, Fridays I am no longer anorexic, I am bulimic, I am a completely different person, I start planning my Friday binge day early on in the week, dreaming about what I am am going to buy, how I am going to eat it. Calories do not come in to play on a Friday, I do not look, I can forget. That is because I know I am going to be sick, over and over again, I am going to stuff my face, be sick, stuff my face again, be sick again, this is going to happen over and over again, until I have either run out of food or am too exhausted to carry on. I look forward to Fridays, but dread them even more.

I do not understand how my mind can switch so drastically, tomorrow the only thing on my mind will be keeping to under 200 calories, I will stick to the same old diet, the one I detest, but have come to rely on, I know it is safe, there is nothing to trick or surprise me. I eat rice crackers, cracker breads and vegetables. These are my safe foods. I could try and list what I have eaten today, but I would only be able to remember a small percentage. I know for sure I will be spending the next week working hard to rid my body of the pounds today's binge has added to my body, only to start again next week.

The cycle is exhausting and never ending, but bit by bit it is taking every last ounce of strength I have. Sometimes I want this to kill me, sometimes I don't want to give it the satisfaction. My psychologist said this morning that I am actually a really strong person, after all you have to be strong to starve yourself, so why can't I use that strength to fight this monster? I am meant to be setting more achievable goals this week, I am expected to go into my appointment next Friday and tell her these goals that I am going to work towards achieving. I know I will say things like 'not self harming', 'increasing my calories', 'going back to my voluntary jobs' etc, but what my mind is screaming out is 'lose more weight', keeping down my calories', but something tells me these are not the goals she is going to want to hear.

I don't know, sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it of my chest I guess, just ignore me, I would ignore me if I could.

Twitter

Hi, I have just set up a twitter account, thought I would finally get up to date in the world, also it will be easier to update on.

@tiny_ratty is my name

Am very nervous about my appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, I have lost more weight this week and my psychologist isn't going to be to happy. She said she would intervene if I lost more weight, I really just want to be left alone. She said she wasn't going to watch me wasting away, but that is all I want to do.

Bob had his first accident on my bed the other night since before Christmas, I think he is picking up on how stressed I am.

Any ways wish me luck for tomorrow, I think I am going to need it.

Feeling a little happier

I am feeling a little happier today, I have lost 3 pounds in the last few days, nothing beats the feeling of standing on the scales and seeing the number go down. It is the only thing I have to keep me going at the moment. I am going to die from anorexia, I have accepted it and feel almost at peace knowing this hell will be over soon.

Why am I still so fucking fat

Fucking fat pig

Sorry for swearing and sorry for such a self obsessed post, but I am in a really bad mood. My Dad took a picture of me earlier, when I saw it I burst into tears. I look huge, what more do I have to do? I cannot push my body much further, I am meant to be trying to get better, but I can't. I told my psychologist today that I do not want to get better any more, I am fed up with keeping up this act for people, you probably know the act I mean, the whole yes I am trying, yes I want to fight this. Well I don't, I do not want to fight this any more, I do not care any more, I give up.

I have no voice

I have had a flu type virus the last few days, I feel rotten to be honest,  have completely lost my voice, my throat is so sore, my ears hurt, my head hurts, my chest hurts where I have been coughing so much. Basically I feel like shit, what a great way to start the year.

I think when you are so malnourished your body doesn't have the energy and stocks to fight off these kind of things, but it will have to burn itself out eventually. In the mean time I have been spending more time asleep than awake, partly due to being exhausted and partly as when I am asleep I don't have to feel the pain of swallowing.

My Dad keeps saying the reason I feel so dizzy is because I haven't eaten enough sugary things to give my body a chance to fight it, so has been trying so hard to supply me with a endless supply of sugar. Almost hourly I get the question "why don't you try a little bit of fudge" or "maybe one of these nice chocolates", but he is always met with the same answer from me, NO.

My attempts to give recovery another go are not really going well, I haven't yet managed over 150 calories with out purging. Hmm, maybe trying recovery was a stupid idea.