I binged badly today and it wasn't binge day, I feel so disappointed in myself, I needed to wait until Friday, so why did I do it today? Now my whole routine in ruined and I don't know if I can cope with that. I need my routine, it is the only thing getting me through at the moment, it makes me feel in control and now I have fucked that up.
Lets try and list what I binged on (thats if I can remember it all)
2 chocolate eclairs
2 chocolate iced doughnuts
2 chocolate shape desserts
a chocolate sponge pudding with custard (low calorie ones)
a packet of salted popcorn
a packet of chocolate cornflake cake bites
a treat size bag of malteasers
a treat size bag of minstrels
a large bar of dairy milk chocolate
2 pitta breads
4 slices of quorne vege chicken
50g of sugar snapped peas
a slice of vege pizza
a piece of garlic bread
a handfull of potato wedges
I think that is about it. The joys of an eating disorder. By the way, I have purged well over 20 times today, but as we all know, that only gets rid of approx half the calories.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Well, let's try some stuff, and see what's accurate, works, and/or fits, vs. not and may be total bull gashigda[1].
ReplyDeleteFeel free to tell me what helps, is useful, insightful, ... and what doesn't help, makes things worse, or is just totally wrong.
Okay, so it broke your routine. Maybe that's a *good* thing. Has your routine really done that much for you? Even just the food routine, it's gotten you in hospital from lack of food/water, still *way* underweight, and still, at least generally, losing weight. I'd be inclined to say it's time to break up that "routine", as it's *not* working well for you. Sure, binge/purge has its risks and problems and isn't healthy, but given your anorexia, maybe at least binge or binge/purge is at least less unhealthy than anorexia?
I may not have the quote exactly right off the top of my head, but as I recall it from one reference I read when doing some research, "The strongest binge trigger is hunger.". So, ... sure, I know it's *much* easier said than done, *but*, nevertheless, eat more, more regularly, good and (reasonably) healthy, and maybe most or all of those binge urges - especially where a hunger avalanche may trigger them - may then cease to be a problem.
A whole lot of food that binge? Well, not really. Certainly not relative to what you're consuming over a week or even a few days or so, ... and really not all that much for an entire day - though it could be significantly better balanced nutritionally. So, ... try not to let it bother you or freak you out or whatever. If you find yourself doing a binge, and can skip the purge, it generally won't be as harmful/damaging to you ... and if you can manage to not do the purge, you can probably then also avoid a nasty fast rapid repeat cycle of binge/purge/binge/purge/binge/purge/... - where such cycling can be quite damaging.
Salad :-) ... if you find yourself inclined to binge ... one thing I noticed a couple months or so ago, ... a good salad, with lots of roughage, and various other stuff added in - but not too much heavy stuff - is dang near impossible to "binge" on, yet quite satisfying and filling. Prepared right, one can eat a "huge" salad, it takes quite a while to eat it, it's very satisfyingly filling, pretty darn nutritious, and it's *not* a zillion calories, but a much more reasonable amount of calories (and also lots of good nutrition) for the volume of food - and the time one spends eating it all. Tends to take a lot of chewing time - not something one can guzzle or take in lots of it super fast ... so seems to work very well (at least in my opinion) as a quite binge resistant - and healthy - food. E.g.:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/cafe-intermezzo-berkeley
*huge* salads, reasonably priced, nutritious, filling, and highly binge resistant/safe food (at least in my opinion). Takes about an hour to eat through one of their large salads ... and I tend to be a pretty big eater, and by the time I work my way through one of their large salads (if I even make it all the way through), it takes about an hour, and I'm highly stuffed.
Nice relaxing bath? ... maybe add a reasonable meal - before ... or after ... and skip the purge! :-)
Good to get out and about a bit - don't stay inside at home all the time, try to get out at *least* daily, ... try to also reasonably interact and/or converse with folks.
Appointments - e.g. therapist, medical appointments, etc. - try to make it to all your appointments - they're there to help you.
Talk! :-) Sure, ... may be damn hard at times, but talk with folks, and especially friends and those that usefully/well support you - let 'em know what you're thinking and feeling - at least as and to the extent that they're up to it.
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ReplyDeleteTherapist ... okay, may be hard, even damn hard at time, but therapist is there to help - and the more direct and honest you are with therapist, the more they can help you. So, ... how 'bout be *real* direct and honest with your therapist, or at least sure as hell try - and keep trying. If there's stuff you're not ready to hear from you're therapist, they're there to listen - you can tell 'em to shut up if you want them to (mostly) just listen :-) ... they're there to help, and to do what works - and more specifically what works *for you*! You can also tell them more specifically, what you don't want them telling you, or how, and also what you *do* want them telling you - and even how. Can also tell 'em when ... notably when you aren't up to hearing about whatever ... and also when you are and it's 'okay' - or exactly how and to what extent.
Keep working on and trying to work on and "fix" whatever's most problematic to your health and well being. E.g. hard to be healthy and feel well if one's eating is way messed up - so try *hard* to get in sufficient reasonable quantities of good nutritious food - and try to not be purging. Get reasonable amounts of reasonable food into you, it'll give your body opportunity to start recovering and will make you - and make you feel - much better physically. Then too, also work on what's most making you feel like sh*t and/or making it very difficult or preventing you from eating "normally" - or at least quite reasonably well. *Get help*! - and use it, wherever and however you can get good/reasonable help and especially as, where, and how, it works for you. Sure, there's other stuff to work on and "fix" too, but try to cover some of the crucial basics first - especially if they're quite (directly or indirectly) life threatening.
Do / find (healthy) stuff you want to do and like to do - and do it! Activities, music, art, volunteering - whatever works for you ... doing those things, being involved, etc., they'll generally help one's mood, and that in turn makes it at least a bit easier to deal with and take on everything else better.
Take (healthy) risks! Try not to be afraid to at least try, and even do, rather to quite different things/approaches, etc. Sure, avoid the dangerous/unhealthy and such, but otherwise, try to be very open to trying/exploring possibilities. If a whole lot of much of the same has not worked, likely time for something different, eh? Be aware, too, to be able to separate out what does work well, and one should continue, vs. what doesn't work well at all - with both what one has been doing more-or-less all along, ... and also with any new things tried.
Footnotes:
1. okay, so I botched the spelling so badly I couldn't find the correct spelling
As always Michael, thank you for really sound and helpful advice and support, I have come to really look forward to your helpful replies. You in a way give me the one major thing I am lacking from my family, someone being honest and not being scared to tell me what I need to hear rather what they think I want to hear. You really do make such a difference to so many of us, we are lucky having your support.
ReplyDeleteThank you Michael, Amy,x