Do I deserve sympathy?

Do I deserve sympathy? I am in a lot of pain from my arm, I mean I had a fairly big operation on it, an operation that if it took place under different circumstances, say if I had had an accident, would mean that I would be able to say how much pain I am in and not worry about people think. But I can't, so I make out that it is fine, even though I want to scream I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN.

Went out yesterday

Yesterday I left my flat, it is the first time for a while, apart from to the hospital. I felt very anxious about it, I probably wouldn't have done it if it hadn't have been for the fact it was my Dads 60th birthday party. My sister picked me up, other wise I don't think I would have done it.

It was OK, a bit overwhelming, as there were so many people there. What was most difficult was of course every asking what had happened to my arm, as obviously I have the stupidly over the top back slab plaster cast on it, and there is no hiding it. I went with I fell over, most people would leave it at that, but some people would probe further, so I went with one worded answers. I probably came across as quite rude, but that is tough, people shouldn't be so nosey.

That is the hardest thing at the moment, I have what they call a back slab on my arm, I woke up with it on after the operation. A back slab is mainly made from plaster, but it is not a full cast to allow for swelling after the operation. It is big and heavy, very uncomfortable and extremely hard to hide. I have to keep it on to protect the healing tendons, I will have it for two weeks after the operation, then I have to attend the hand clinic. Depending on how it is will depend on what happens next. I may come away with another back slab, which I will be gutted about, a normal plaster cast, which will be lighter and easier to hide, or finally a plastic splint, which will be moulded to my hand to fit perfectly. So we will have to wait and see. I just want it over and done with, but I no it is going to be a long process, I will need months of physiotherapy to get any kind of function back to my hand.

I still can't believe I have done this to myself.

Need to get dressed

I need to get dressed and motivated. I haven't got out of my pyjamas since coming home from hospital. I just don't see the point, getting dressed just feels like a completely pointless waste of energy, energy that I don't have. I haven't even brushed my teeth or hair, but I no I need to do it, so will try later.

I was meant to have an appointment with my psychologist this week, just a routine, nothing to do with my recent incident, but I cancelled. I felt to exhausted to get up and go and the thought of leaving my flat terrified me.

I am back to having to rely on my family to help me do simple things and bring things to me. I need someone to wash up, someone to wash my hair for me etc. I hate being back to being so dependant on people. I am a burden, my family have their own lives, I am an adult, they shouldn't be having to look after me like a child. I bet they never thought they would end up nursing their 26 year old daughter.

I am so tired

I am so tired of this fight, I have fought so hard for so long. I am exhausted, I don't have much fight left in me any more.

I am tired of crying, I am tired of talking, I am tired of sleeping. I am tired of everything.

I don't no what to do any more.

Have been doing my usual restricting with food, again it is the only thing I have control of these days.

Home from hospital

Well I am home from hospital. I feel very drained and exhausted.

I have had an operation to repair the cut tendons, I have been told that because they have repaired them before, they don't no how much function I will have.

I have got a hideous large plaster cast on my arm, which I hate, as it will draw attention to me and that is the last thing I want. I want to disappear.

Majorly fucked up

I have fucked up more than you could imagine, I have let down my family, friends and most importantly myself. I am currently led in a hospital bed, I am going to theatre shortly to repair tendons that I have cut in my wrist,after self harming and cutting to deep.

I cannot believe I have messed up so badly, I am a failure.

So ill

Oh my god, I feel like I am dying, and not in a nice quick peaceful way. I appear to have some type of tummy bug, I am used to vomiting from years of making myself sick, and I am used to extreme tummy cramping and diarrhoea from previous bouts of laxative abuse, so I should be alright. But I actually feel so ill, the cramping in my tummy is unbelievable, it is actually making me cry, I just don't no what to do with myself.

I want to curl up in a ball and not move.

Dizzy spells

Today I have been suffering from dizzy spells, it starts with my eyes feeling funny and the next thing I no I am having to hold onto something to keep myself up. There is not much guessing as to what is causing it. Maybe this is the wake up call I need, but I doubt it.

My parents came back this evening, which is a relief, I have really missed my Dad, also it is great to see my little brother.

A really good friend of mine is moving away to Swansea tomorrow, I am really going to miss her. The problem is, I am going to find it really difficult when it comes time to me visiting her, I have promised her I will, but I am really scared, Swansea is a long way, I will have to travel on a train on my own, I will have to be away from home, which I find difficult for a few hours, let alone a weekend. I am petrified.

I want to start being able to be a good friend to my friends, but I am always so caught up in my own world.

My cat is sick

My beloved Bob, who is quite possibly the worlds most lovely cat (well in my eyes) is sick. He has been sick since birth and has a long list of problems, I just really feel so sorry for him as it is one thing after another. He has a bigger medicine cabinet than me (and that is saying something!) I love him so much and couldn't bare to be with out him.

I stuck to 128 calories yesterday and then binged and purged today, I wish my mind could stick to one or the other, I don't no what I am at the moment.

This is my second day without self harming, so I guess that is good.

My parents are coming back from their holiday tomorrow evening. I have really missed my Dad, although I don't live with my parents (well when I am well any ways!)I have really missed just being down the road from my Dad.

I don't no if any one actually reads my blog, or whether I am just talking to my self, but there is no change there!

Why couldn't I do it for her?

Today has been a stressful day in more ways than one. First of all I went with a friend to her hospital appointment, it wasn't as straight forward as we had hoped and ended up being a bit more serious than first thought. So that was really difficult, supporting my friend who needed me, when all I wanted to do was cry myself.

The second stressful thing was that my friend really wanted me to have lunch with her, she is very aware of my eating disorder and normally accepts it when I say no to food, she sometime will try and convince me a little bit, but tends to accept my decision. But today when she asked, there was something in me that really wanted to do it for her. So I agreed, we spent ages finding somewhere not to busy that was nice a quiet and out of the way so I would feel more comfortable. I looked at the menu over and over again, desperate to find something I could eat for her, but as I was looking, I could feel my eyes starting to well up, I tried so hard not to cry, but there was panic going through me. My friend looked around at me and saw I was about to cry and said the words I was desperate to hear "you don't have to have anything, I understand, at least you tried". As she said the words a rush of relief came over me and I suddenly realised I could breath again.

So it ended up being the usual, she sat there eating her lunch with a cup of tea, whilst I tucked into my bottle of water.

WHY COULD'T I DO IT FOR HER? I wanted to do it so bad, just sit there and be normal, eat lunch with my best friend, but I couldn't, I was petrified, I am just so lucky that my friend understands and new I tried for her.

Came back down to earth with a big bump

So yesterday I felt really quite high, but I have come back down to earth with a big bump today. I can't believe how quickly it can change, it is like some one is teasing me, you can have a day being great, but then ha ha, I am going to take it all away again.

Self harmed quite badly and it took great restraint not to do any more. Eating wise, there isn't much to say, the usual restrictions were back in place after my birthday binge.

I have a extremely painful ear ache in my right ear, I don't feel like I have a cold or anything, so am thinking it is probably an ear infection. All I no it it bloody well hurts.

Its My Birthday

Well today is my 26th Birthday. How should I feel? I had planned that today was the day I was going to die, but I don't feel that way today, funny how plans change!

I have had a birthday binge session and of course purge session. I was struggling all day whether or not to binge and in the end thought sod it, if you can't binge on your birthday, when can you binge!

I spent an hour at the cats sanctuary that I volunteer at when I am well, it was really nice as I got to spend the hour just stroking the cats, it reminded me of how much I miss being there. I really want to work towards getting well enough to go back.

My mood has gone up quite a bit, which is a welcome relief, depression in boring, I would much rather be high!

Mood lifting

Today I really feel like my mood is starting to lift slightly, it feels like a welcome relief after being so low for so long. I just hope my mood keeps going up.

It is my birthday tomorrow, I am on my own for it as my family are away, but birthdays don't really mean much to me these days.

This is the second day of not self harming, so am feeling pleased about that. I would love to say that things are different eating wise, but today has been 128 calories. The trouble is half of me knows it is wrong and I shouldn't be doing it, but the ED side of me is really pleased and happy I have been sticking to so low. I feel like there is a war going on in my brain, a devil and a angel, each telling me what to do. Which one will win, I do not no and I am scared to find out.

Good bye parents

Today my parents have gone on holiday for a week, so no more being babysat!

I assured them I will be fine, I don't want they on holiday worrying about me.

I wrote a no send letter today, a suggestion by my psychologist. It was a great release as I got to write everything that had built up anger wise about a certain person, I got to tell them exactly what they have done to me and how they hurt me, I got it all out, and then just ripped it up and put it in the bin. I would suggest it to anyone who has loads of pent up anger.

Really struggling ED wise, but what is new there!

I guess my mood has lifted slightly, which is nice, as I don't think it could have got much lower.

Another day of failure

Today has been another day of failure, binged and purged twice. I don't understand how I could have lost control so quickly. I feel so angry at myself for being so weak and useless.

Self harm has also been bad, I am really not coping well, but there is nothing I can really do, I am too tired to fight it at the moment.

You shouldn't have to fight to want to be alive, living is something that you should automatically want.

Useless

Just finished purging after a binge. I cannot believe I failed again. I am such a weak person.

Back from appointment

I have just got from an appointment with my psychologist, it was a very tearful one. I told her about my plan to die on my birthday, which is on Sunday the 15th of August. The reason I have picked that day is because it will mean that my family will have only one day a year to be sad, instead of saying this would have been Amy's birthday and then having another day to morn because it is the anniversary of my death.

A wound on my arm started bleeding during my appointment, which was embarrassing as I ended up with blood on my top. Not the best when you are sat in front of your psychologist.

Was asked about my latest weight loss, I just went silent and didn't respond until a different question was asked. The last thing I want to have to explain about that.

My psychologist is really lovely and I am glad I have her as I finally feel like she understands me and I can truly trust her. It only took me three years of seeing her to realise it.

parents want me to go on holiday

Well my depression is no change from yesterday. Had a conversation with the crisis team and given the usual advice, why don't you distract yourself with a nice hot bath with candles, great, I will do that and magically my depression will be better!

I have had suicidal thoughts racing through my head all night and day, but not the guts to do anything about it.

My parents came around to see me as they no I am struggling. I cried a lot at them, which I hate doing. They have come up with a suggestion, they are meant to be going on holiday on Saturday with my youngest brother, they are worried about leaving me, so they think it would be a good idea for me to go instead of my Mum. They think it would be good for me to get away for a bit and get out of my flat, as that is where I spend all day every day. I appreciate the offer, but going away does not make any difference to the way I feel, as I have to take my mind with me and it is my mind that is the problem. They are saying that they wont be able to enjoy the holiday any ways as they will be worrying about me back home and I don't want them to do that, but I really don't want to go.

My calorie intake is still really low, the last two days has been 128 calories per day. At least I am good at one thing.

Funeral plans

Last night I spent ages writing my funeral plans, I wrote every thing, like what I wanted doing with all of my belongings, what music I want at my funeral etc. I feel so depressed, I really can't imagine being alive much longer, this is torture. I go to bed every night praying that I don't wake up the next morning. I am to much of a weak person to commit suicide, been there, tried that and failed, so I just have to hope something happens to me instead. I just hope it happens to me soon.

Tired of trying so hard

I feel so low, I am really struggling. I have tried so hard to keep everything together, but I can't. I physically don't no what to do any more.

A friend came around earlier to pick something up and I burst into tears on three occasions. I felt so pathetic, why am I crying?

I am still angry at myself after yesterdays binge, so have stuck to 136 calories. At least that is one thing I can control.

I really wish someone could rescue me, please somebody, save me.

Binged

I am so angry at myself, I binged really badly today, I caved in to my mind and did what it has been wanting me to do for weeks. It started with a chocolate cornflake cake, as soon as I had given in to that I just thought sod it and ate a mars ice cream, two chocolate bars, and a bag of doritos. Now I no that isn't exactly the worlds biggest binge, but when you have been sticking to 200 calories a day, it just felt devastating. So of course, what comes after a binge? Purge.

As I was purging I felt so disgusted with my self, I had been so strong and then here I am, reduced to doing the thing I had hoped I had got away from. But nope, here I am leaning over the toilet.

I can't believe I let myself down so badly. I am a failure.

Last night I self harmed, this evening is my first evening without my babysitter. I want to proove to myself that I can cope on my own, so even though I feel like shit, I am determined not to self harm.

Maybe I can achieve that one thing today atleast.

I am exhausted

I am exhausted, my body hurts, my mind hurts, I hurt all over. I am so tired of trying so hard all of the time, I never get any where, I always end up back of the beginning, maybe my life is on a repeat.

I want to be well for my family and friends, I want to be able to do it for them. I do not want to be responsible for so much worry and pain all of the time. My family are going on holiday next week and I want them to go away with out having to worry about me. So I try so hard to show them I am OK, but it is exhausting.

Went 10 calories over my 200 limit today, so that just adds to my stress, I managed not to purge, even thought the urge was unbelievable. I feel so angry at myself for being so weak and going over my limit.

Nearly binged

Today has been a struggle in more ways than one.

First of the the urge to binge has been unbearable today, it has felt like every where I have looked there has been so many things I have just wanted to eat. But I am pleased to say that I resisted, I stuck to my usual restriction of under 200 calories. I am going to say the same thing as I always say, I no it isn't good for my recovery, but I am too tired to think about that at the moment.

The urge to self harm has been unbearable today, I just cannot stop my mind racing about it. I think it is a good thing I still have my babysitter as I really think I could do a lot of damage to myself at the moment.

I think I am exhausted of trying so hard all of the time and never seeming to get anywhere. I wish someone else could borrow my body and mind, get it better for me and then give me back my fixed body and mind.

Please somebody make me better.

Panic over lunch

Today my Mum wanted me and her to spend the day together, the immediate panic that pops into my head is lunch. Spending the day together normally involves that dreadful word and the panic that ran through me was unbelievable.

How can I be so scared of something that is so normal to every one else. Luckily my Mum had lunch and I had a diet coke and my Mum didn't even question it this time.

I miss being able to enjoy things like lunch with friends and family, at the moment anything to do with food involves a series of lies and excuses. That is probably the thing I hate about ED's, the amount of lying that your life becomes.

I am still being babysat, although I have self harmed once, as I have been left on my own for a few hours today. But the pressure inside of me has been unbearable and I actually purposely made it so I would be alone so I could do it, which I am not proud of.

Still unable to go over 200 calories, since the 2nd of July I have lost 1 stone and 2 pounds. I no it is wrong, but it feels so right at the same time.

Letting down my voluntary jobs

I spend my life letting people down and today proved it. I have two voluntary jobs which I love. But I am not well enough to go at the moment, I have tried week after week all of this month, but just get so panicked by it. They are only three hours a week each, how hard is that?

I feel really pathetic, I am sure any one else would be able to manage, but not me. I am tired of being such a looser. But I am too tired and feeling too low to do anything about it.

I still have my baby sitter looking after me, so at least I am safe for now. But part of me wishes they weren't here, so that I could cut, just to slow down my racing mind for a little bit.

Still sticking just under 200 calories, there is no way I could go over, I would have to purge if I did.

Not safe

Things are not going well at all, I was going to go and stay at my parents for a few days for my safety and to stop my family worrying, but in the end managed to negotiate, so instead one of my brothers in going to come stay with me. I think it is the best all round as I can be safer for a few days and my family don't need to worry.

I am still really struggling with food, not going above 200 calories, it terrifies me to even think of going over that amount.

Am hoping the crisis team will contact my psychologist tomorrow to arrange more support for me, as I cannot keep going the way I am.

Bob and Betty are being really sweet, I think they definitely pick up on when I am not well.