Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day that I finally get to see my psychologist, I don't think I have ever been so desperate to see her. I need to no what is going to happen, whether I am going away and where that will be.

I have come to the decision that I will agree to go if I am offered a place somewhere. Self harm is too out of control, this evening I have cut both thighs several times and my right arm several times. I am a mess, I cannot take it any more, I am not safe.

please come back

I need my psychologist back ASAP, I need to talk to her, I need to no what is happening, not knowing is driving me mad, all I can think about is what the psychiatrist said about me going to Birmingham. I no I could phone and ask to talk to the psychiatrist and ask him, but I feel sick every time I think about it, I would much rather speak to my psychologist, I trust her.

Things are not going well, self harming is out of control again, I self harmed earlier and cut a bit too deep again, I could clearly see a tendon, I hadn't cut as deep to have damaged it, but I could clearly see it, it made me realise how easily screw up again and end up back in hospital having another operation and I really do not want that to happen again.

Eating disorder wise, things are the same, no more than 200 calories per day, my weight loss has really slowed down, obviously my metabolism is slowing down, which is to be expected. It kind of makes me angry, as I feel like I am doing all this hard work and am not being rewarded for it when I step on the scales. But I have been through this so many times before and no it happens and why.

Went to the cats home

I went to the cats home that I volunteer at when I am well to do some cat cuddling this morning. I loved being back there as it has been so long, it was so nice just spending a few hours just cuddling and stroking cats. I am going to try and make a real big effort to go over more, cat cuddling is therapeutic for me and the cats.

It was a bit awkward as I haven't seen the people that work there for a couple of months, so of course the first thing every one commented on was my weight loss, they are all aware of my ED, so it was a bit annoying that they all felt they could comment on it, but at the end of the day, I no they all were saying it because they care. If I do end up going away to this residential treatment, I have arranged for Bob and Betty to stay at the cats home, it is the only option really, my family would have them if I asked, but it would be extremely awkward for them, also they are always leaving doors and windows open and obviously with Bob and Betty being house cats it would end in disaster. At least at the cats home I no they will be safe and no one would accidentally forget about them. I am still really struggling with the thought of being separated from them, but I no that I can't get myself too worked up about it all until I no if it is actually going to happen.

Can't stop thinking about yesterday

I can't stop thinking about what the psychiatrist said to me yesterday about sending me for inpatient treatment 3 hours away, I could not bare to leave Bob and Betty, they are my life, it makes me close to tears just thinking about it. My psychologist is back on the 30th of this month, I can't wait to talk to her to see what she thinks about this, I just hope she doesn't agree with the psychiatrist, as then I don't no what I will do.

Last night I felt so ill with all of that food inside of me, my stomach was churning and I felt so sick. Today I have stuck to my usual restriction of under 200 calories.

Shit day

Today had been a shit day, first of all I have lost an opportunity to move to a new flat, that I had all of my hopes pinned on. My flat is disgusting, it is falling apart around me and my landlord doesn't give a fuck about it at all. I have a rat infestation, they chew through my floor boards, they even chewed the corner off my cats mat that their water bowl was on, it is awful. So my one opportunity to get out of this shit pit has just fallen apart, so I am stuck.

So I was already upset about that, but that is the least of my worries for today, I had my lunch with Dad, I ate a main course, which I ate 3/4 of, then I had a pudding. I went back to my Dads, managed to sneak a little bit of purging in under the pretence that I needed a wee, then had to go to my appointment with my psychiatrist, which luckily is opposite my parents house, as that is the building my CMHT is. So when I got there I asked to use their loo, I managed to purge a bit more, but still felt very full and sick.

My appointment with the psychiatrist was very stressful, he is a temporary psychiatrist as my CMHT hasn't had a full time one for about two years, which is a very annoying. He kept saying that I am an intelligent girl, which winds me up, as we are not here to discuss my intelligence (or lack of it in my case!). Then completely out of the blue he says that he thinks he needs to send me away for treatment in a residential centre in Birmingham, which is about three hours from where I live. I was so shocked that he just came out with this, he has never met me before, during my appointment was the first time he has ever seen my file, he knows nothing about me. He can't just suddenly decide something like that can he?

So in one day I have lost the opportunity to move out of my rat infested flat, I have eaten more calories in one sitting than I have eaten in the last 3 weeks added together and not managed to purge the majority of it and to top it off, I have been told that I may be sent half way across the country, what a fab day.

Cry cry cry

This evening has been a very tearful evening, I have cried more than I have cried in a long time, the reason being? I ate a chocolate corn flake cake, that seems bad enough, but to make it even worse I wasn't able to attempt to purge it until well over an hour later, so basically there wasn't much in purging it at all.

Obviously after yesterdays blog you will no that I was meant to go for lunch with my Dad today, I had been so anxious about it all night and had built it up to be this massive deal. So when I met up with my Dad I had got to the point where I had decided that I was going to have a normal lunch, eat it as normally as possible and then purge it at the soonest opportunity. My reasoning being that I wanted to make my Dad happy, us going for lunch together is something he really enjoys and I no he has been looking forward to it. Also I thought that it would show him that I am 'fine', as my weight loss is pretty obvious now, so if I eat a meal, normally, in front of him, that should stop my family from worrying. So I was all hyped up for this lunch, thinking it is one lunch and it will show my Dad I am fine and make him happy.

So we get into town really late, as my Dad got caught up with something, all of the places have shut lunch time serving, so my Dad suggests we have lunch tomorrow instead. Great I am thinking, all of this stress and anxiety, planning and thoughts and just like that it is over for today and it is going to happen tomorrow. So that means another sleepless anxiety filled night ahead of me. Then my wants me to still have something quickly to eat on the way home, so I pick a cornflake cake, a bloody cornflake cake! why on earth did I pick that? But going through my mind I am trying to please my Dad, make him happy and show him all is OK, so as I am eating it I am thinking, its no biggy, I can just purge it when I get home. Then Dad says he is going to come into my flat as he wants to load a program on my lap top for me, so the clock in my mind is ticking, I am calculating how long it has been since consuming the cake, so I think well 10 minutes will be all right.

So my Dad comes in, loads the program on, then starts flicking through the games on my computer, then settles down to a game of spider solitaire, great, again time is ticking. At this point I start to think is he doing it on purpose as he knows I want to purge it. Any ways after an hour of me doing things like hoovering and emptying the washing machine, he suddenly gets up and goes "right I am off now", just like that. I new they were bound to suspect at some point as we have been through this so many times, but I didn't think they would start to suspect yet.

So once again we are back to me thinking shit, what am I going to do tomorrow, as after today I am pretty sure my Dad isn't going to let me slip off to purge our lovely lunch!

What the hell am I going to do???

My Dad wants to go for lunch tomorrow, what the hell am going to do? I cannot bare thought of eating a meal,, let alone doing it in a public place with all of those people looking at me. I feel so anxious about it already, it is racing through my head, I just don't no what to do.

Today I had a appointment with my GP, just to get my medication and on Thursday I have got an appointment with my psychiatrist, so busy busy for me. I just really want my psychologist back, as she is the one that actually helps me, but she isn't back until the 30th.

Today I had stuck to 176 calories, until about an hour ago, I ate a portion of cereal, I think it was mainly out of boredom rather than hunger, but I purged it straight after eating it.

I cannot stop stressing about lunch with Dad, it is going to be a sleepless night tonight.

Physio

Today I had my first physio appointment, the first thing I have to say is that the physiotherapist was a wench, a complete dick, a pratt, I could keep on coming up with words all night, so I will stop now. When he asked me to take my splint off, the first sentence that came out of his mouth was "wow, it looks like someone has wrapped cotton around your arm over and over again and pulled it tight", like I said, he was a pratt. Later on in my appointment he decided to say "well I guess I don't mind treating you, as you seem like a nice girl". He just made me so angry and then to top it off, he decided it was too early and the tendon repair wasn't strong enough to actually do anything any ways, so a complete waist of my time. But don't panic, I get the privilege of seeing him again next Monday, I cannot wait.

Eating disorder wise, I have eaten 176 calories today, I also went on a hour and a half long walk through the woods with and Dad and the family dog, so feeling pretty good about that.

It was really nice to spend some time with my Dad, I really love him so much, but because of his work I hardly get to see him sometimes, but he has got the whole of this week off, so we should get to spend some quality time together. The only problem is, he wants to go for lunch with me one day this week, that is going to be a problem, I am already trying to think of excuses, but this one is going to be difficult to get out of, but I am not undoing all of my hard work that easily.

Not in a chatty mood

Sorry not in a chatty mood, but here we go, ate 176 calories today and self harmed. That's all for today.

I failed

I failed, today I ate a sandwich, a chocolate muffin and a hot chocolate, obviously purged and I mean really purged, I kept going until it was just stomach acid coming up. How can I have stood so strong for so long and then just fuck it up. It happened at 5:30 this evening, my sister wanted to meet for a coffee, as we were driving down I could feel myself arguing with myself,

'just eat what you want',
'no, just have a bottle of water',
'go on eat it',
'no, don't fail, you have worked so hard'
'eat it'
'no, I can't'

Then of course I did, I ate, I am so pissed of with myself, I couldn't wait to get home to empty the heavy, full, sick feeling in my stomach. Now I feel like a failure, the one thing I am normally so good at, I fucked it up. To compensate I will have to definitely reduce tomorrow, it's the only way.

Time to be honest

So now is the time to be honest and stop kidding myself. I keep saying that things are OK and I am not letting things get out of hand and that I wont go to far. But here is the truth, I have been kidding myself, I thought if I didn't admit it, that then it can't be true. But the truth is, my anorexia is back, I am ill, I haven't eaten above 200 calories for over two weeks, for months before this I have restricted to under 200 calories for a few days and then binged and purged for a few days. I have not eaten a actual meal since the middle of July. I have lost nearly 2 stone, I have dropped two clothes sizes. It is definitely back, I am no longer an anorexic in recovery, I am an anorexic and it pains me to say that.

I went into town today to get a new pair of jeans, as all of mine are far to big now, I tried on a size smaller, they were too big, so I got a smaller size and they fitted, but are loose, you cannot get a size smaller in most shops. I felt so pleased, but at the same time so sad, I actually cried in the changing room, tears of joy and tears of sadness.

But now all I can think about is reducing the calories to 150 and then I no soon I will want to go lower and lower. I am scared, I think the thing I am most scared of is that I am good at doing this, and I no I will succeed in going lower, sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at this.

I met with Maria

I met up with my friend Maria for an hour this morning, I haven't seen her for months, she is a great person, she isn't my usual type of friend, she is in her forties, has five children, a husband and is an ex police officer. I met her when her first child attended the nursery I was working at when I was nineteen, when I left the nursery we kept in contact and when I was a nanny we used to meet up for days out with the children. When I got too ill to work she was amazing, she has been through similar things and she 'got' me, she would listen to me cry and not judge me, she was brilliant. We have met up every few months ever since. I could spend hours in her company, as she understands that sometimes I all I need is a hug, or to sit in silence. But at the same time she has a really busy life bringing up her lovely children, so I no I can't rely on her to much.

I haven't felt quite as low today, which is a welcome relief. I just hope it can last to give me a break.

Still sticking to my calorie allowance, I no I need to get on top of this, but at the moment I haven't got the energy to fight it. I feel a little scared if I am honest, because I no it is really consuming me at the moment, but I will sort it, I promise. I will NOT let it go too far.

Don't worry I am OK

Don't worry I am OK, well that's why I went around to my parents for an hour earlier to give them that impression. As I was walking up to theirs I was thinking 'deep breaths, you can do this, be happy'. It worked and now my parents wont worry about me for a few days. I hate them worrying about me.

I had a flat inspection today, the women turned up whilst I was fast asleep, so I answered the door in my PJ's, it was only once she was gone that I was awake enough to realise I had short sleeved PJ's on, how embarrassing, I bet she went back to the office and told everyone about the fruit loop in flat 7b.

Still doing well with my calorie intake, every day that goes by that I stick to my amount the stronger I feel, obviously not physically, but mentally. Every time a pound comes off I feel so proud, a lot of my clothes are once again to big, when I got to big for my clothes during recovery I threw them all away, so at some point I am going to have to buy some clothes, with what money I do not no.

My arm is really hurting

My hideously annoying splint 

My arm is really hurting today, it really aches and throbs, I think I have been using it to much. I need to remember to be more careful with it as the last thing I want is to undo the repair. I am really starting to struggle with what I have done to myself, I can't do basic things myself like washing up, my arm is pretty much useless. The splint is really starting to wind me up, it is so annoying and just turns my arm into this thing that sticks out and gets in the way. I want to keep taking it off, but I no I can't. I HATE IT.

Again I have felt quite tearful today, the day feels like it has been really long and never ending. I have also self harmed again today. I am scared that I am letting things slip again. I wanted to be able to tell my psychologist things have been going really well when she gets back from leave on the 20th, but it doesn't look like that is going to be the case.

Sorry, I am just feeling sorry for myself.

Definitely been a low day

Today has definitely been a low day, I have once again gone back to being very tearful. I did do something positive though. I phoned a help line, which is something I would never normally do, the helpline was for adult survivors of abuse, the lady I spoke to was amazing, she helped me to sort through some traumatic memories and flashbacks that I have been having recently. Most of the conversation involved me hysterically crying, but she was brilliant, she listened to me and was patient with me, she made me understand that none of it was my fault. I really think phoning them was a big help and it was definitely the type of support I needed today.

My restricting is on target, I have not gone above my calorie amount for well over a week, I feel so committed to it and that makes me feel so powerful.

I uploaded a video to my youtube channel that contained pictures of my scars, I really wasn't sure whether to do it or not, but I decided that even if it only helps one person it will be worth it. My hope is that people will look at it and get help for themselves before their self harm gets to the point mine has. That is my hope, but I hope people don't think I am proud of my scars and just showing off, as that definitely isn't the case.

Struggling today

So today I am really struggling, last night was a tough night as the urge to self harm was unbelievable, today I gave into that urge.I feel devastated, it was nearly three weeks without self harm, I am so angry at myself for messing up all of that hard work. I very rarely feel proud of myself, but I was starting to feel a tiny bit proud, now I have wrecked it.

I have lost nearly two stone since July, I don't no how to feel about it, a massive part of me is so pleased, like over the moon pleased, but another part of me no's its wrong, I guess you can definitely say that I am no longer in recovery. It is so wrong, but feels so right.

I am definitely having a day of self loathing.

Urge to self harm

The urge to self harm has been so strong today, I am trying so hard to fight it, as I have been doing so well since my operation. I keep looking at my hideous wound on my wrist from the operation, I look at it to remind myself how disappointed I was in myself when I did it, to try and stop me doing it again, but at the moment I have gone past caring, I just want to give in.

I have had a busy day today, probably not busy by most peoples standards, but by my standards it was a hectic day. I feel really lame about the fact that I get so tired so easily, it is pathetic.

My Dad said to me that he is so happy that I seem to be doing a lot better at the moment, he said it makes him really happy when I am well. It is really nice when he says that, but it is also really hard, as one, he still doesn't no that even though I seem a little better at the moment, there is still so much going on in my head. Also it is hard when he says it, because it makes me even more scared of failing, as I no how unhappy it will make him, but failure feels inevitable.

Don't you hate the fact that it isn't just life you are fucking up, it is every one around you's lives too.

The cast is off

Today I was so anxious, going to the hospital is scary enough, but going on your own is even harder. As it got nearer to the time to go I started to feel physically sick and could feel myself shaking. But once I got on the bus I felt a little bit more relaxed, as the first step was done.

My appointment with the hand specialist was OK, it was difficult as even though it says in my notes the reason I have the injury, the nurse who took my cast off, the nurse that took my stitches out, the hand specialist and even the physiotherapist who made my splint all insisted on asking over and over again what had happened. But as soon as they look at my arm, they all do exactly the same thing, put this disapproving look on their faces and say "oh, I see". I hate that look they give, I already no how much I have fucked up, I don't need them reminding me.

But I got my wish, I got a splint rather than another cast, but only on the promise that I would not remove it, but of course one of the first things I did when I got home was take it off and soak my arm in a nice warm bath, it felt heavenly.

The wound itself is healing well, I had 16 stitches in it, the wound I had made went across my wrist, but the surgeon had made a horizontal line going down my wrist to make the wound into a T shape. My arm is still really swollen, but that should go down soon.

It is difficult looking at my arm, as it is a mess, but so is my other arm and both my thighs, I have to live with what I have done to myself and I am the only one responsible for my actions, it is just hard knowing that.

Cast off tomorrow

My cast comes off tomorrow, like I said the other day I am excited and nervous at the same time. I just want my arm back and all of this to be a distant memory, but I no it isn't going to be that simple, as I have got another 4 weeks of it being immobilized, then I will start physiotherapy, so it is going to be a long process. I still can't quite believe that I got myself into this situation, but I no that i have to just look forward now.

I have been really over sleeping, I think at the moment it is easier to sleep then to be awake, even when I am not tired I will force myself to go back to sleep. The less hours in the day, the less likely I am to mess up.

I am sorry to moan about my ear ache all the time, but it is back again, I have no idea why I keep getting it, but it is really pissing me off.

My psychologist is away now for two weeks, I can phone the duty team or crisis team if I need support, but it always scares me when she goes away, as normally something bad happens and I need her. Sometimes I wish she didn't have holidays, selfish I no.

Great appointment

I had a really good appointment with my psychologist today, my Dad came, the aim: to discuss my biggest problem at the moment, my relationship with my Mum.

My Mum and mine relationships has always been strained, she suffered from severe post natal depression after having me and by the time my Mum finally got help for it, it was too late, the damage had been done. I was always treated like every thing I did was purposely to annoy my Mum. She loves me, I no she does, but I cannot forget and move on from a lot of things that happened as I grew up.

Discussing this all with my Dad with the support of my psychologist was a real release and I hope to be maybe able to move on from a few things.

I hadn't wanted to say anything until now as I didn't want to jinx it, but I haven't self harmed for two weeks, this is the longest for over a year. It kind of doesn't seem real, that long, I can't believe it.

ED wise, I have restricted the last couple of days, I am glad I haven't binged or purged.

Why I ignore my friends

A lot of my friends really don't understand why I do this, but when I am feeling particularly low, I ignore them. They will ring and ring and ring, I will just watch my phone ringing and cry. I wish they could understand that the reason I do that isn't because I don't like them or don't need them, it is the opposite, I want to protect them. I don't want my problems to be passed onto them, I don't want them to absorb my unhappiness. But also there are selfish reasons behind it too, I don't want them to hear me being depressed and decide they don't want to be my friend, or have that awkwardness off them not knowing what to say to me. Also there is obviously the main reason, when you are depressed you don't feel like being in your own company, let alone anyone else's.

Once again I have a killer earache, it seems to come on most evenings and is a very sharp earache, but is always gone by the morning. Maybe it is psychological, I just don't no.

My arm is doing OK, my cast is really stinking, so I can't wait till Thursday to get it off. I am able to move my fingers reasonably well, which to me seems good, but apparently that isn't that impressive, the main tendon that I damaged controls the movement of my hand, ie bending my hand towards my wrist and I wont be able to tell if that has worked until I get the cast off. the tendon that controls my fingers was only partly damaged, hence the reason I have got my finger movement back so quickly.

Although I am excited to get the cast off, I am also really nervous, I am scared to see my arm, as the wound that I made was pretty large, but the surgeon had to make it even bigger. My arms have been a mess for a number of years, but it still scares me as to what it is going to look like now.

I have been working on a project, but it is going to remain a secret until it is finished.

Massive binge

I feel so disgusted with myself, I had probably the biggest binge I have had in a long time this evening, it was awful, I just ate and ate and ate. Obviously purged after, but I am so cross that I can't be stronger than that. I really do not want to be getting back into daily binging again.

I spent some time with my parents this afternoon, they don't think it is good for me staying in all of the time, so have been keeping on for days, so eventually today I agreed to go to town with them. I didn't feel as anxious as I thought I would, except for in one shop, but I think that was due to the lighting in that particular shop. For some reason my anxiety and panic attacks can be very triggered by some shops lighting, especially if it is flickering slightly. I have no idea why, but I now have some shops that I no longer even attempt to go in.

I feel so big and disgusting after that awful binging and purging session earlier, I hate this feeling.

The Bob and Betty Diaries

Please check out my new blog, The Bob and Betty diaries, it is a bit of light hearted fun compared to my normal blog!

Spent the day in my bedroom

I ended up spending the day in my bedroom as the plumbers were in my lounge fitting a new water tank system thingy. So what do you do when you are trapped in your bedroom, with no TV etc? SLEEP. So I spent most of the day dozing in and out of sleep, now I have a banging headache, my fault.

My psychologist sent me a lovely email earlier saying that she was proud of me for trying so hard to turn everything around again since my operation. It felt nice to read, but then the guilt kicks in, as I haven't been entirely honest with her, I may have made out that things are a little better than they actually are. I wish I could have received that  email because I actually deserved it. I feel like such a liar, I purposefully deceived her. What kind of person does that make me?

Just got back from my psychologist

So I have just got back from an appointment with my psychologist, it went OK, it was a very tearful appointment, but they normally are these days. She really understands me, she is probably the only person in the world who really understands why I do what I do. We talked about the usual, that I can't let this happen again etc, which I really no. I never want to get into this situation again, I am going to be very lucky this time to get much hand function back, so if I was stupid enough to do it again, then I would be screwed.

I have binged and purged already today, am very annoyed as I had been sticking very strictly to my calorie limit.

I have had my appointment come through for the orthopaedic hand clinic, it is on the 9th, I cannot wait the get this heavy, stinky, itchy back slab off. Just PLEASE PLEASE do not put another one on!