About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Monday 4 October 2010
Abuse
I have been abused by many people over the years, sexually, emotionally, physically. By far the worst abuse I have suffered is at my own hands. I have tortured myself, physically and mentally, I have punished myself for the things that were not my fault. Why do I go on punishing myself? why do I continue to abuse myself? why am I not able to be kind to myself? These are the questions that I cannot answer, I wish I could, maybe the answers will come through death or maybe through recovery, that is what my life has now become, a choice between these two options. There is no longer an in-between, a middle, it is either one or the other. Death or recovery?
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I won't be a hypocrite and tell you that death isn't the answer when I personally think it is on a regular basis,
ReplyDeleteBut I know that you've held on for this long and I think you should recognise that you were strong enough for so many years,
and perhaps you can stay strong during recovery as well ?
I truly care about you so much, I wish you the best of the best and remember that recovery is hard, okay it is really fucking hard and there is no avoiding that but it IS possible,
xoxo
You should focus on living. You don't have a second chance with what you have done with your body I am afraid - but I know what it's like, sort of. I don't suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder and am different in many ways - I don't self harm, but I do suffer from Bipolar Affective disorder and when I am down I have it in my capacity to seriously or fatally harm myself - and I am grateful i haven't. I am thankful that when I put a razor to myself on that one occasion I didn't harm myself. I have been sectioned by the police before. Christ, I have been chased across the country and stopped from hanging myself. Now that is very serious. I have received a section 2 under the Mental Health Act for my own safety. However, I have something now I didn't have then; insight. Yes it's unfortunate but I don't let it rule my life, I try to get on with it and one important thing is to have goals. I have a 6 month plan. You can't rob yourself of what you want to achieve.
ReplyDeleteI have suffered loss, there have been times I have wished it was easy to 'off myself'. I have caused great distress to people who think the next time I will be found will be when I am dead, but you know what, things do get better... I am not on medication anymore. I went through years of antidepressants, mood stabilsers or the such. CMHT's, Psychiatrists, psychologists, inpatient, outpatient, etc, etc. The best medicine is a zest for life. You might not get a second chance. Celebrate your successes because it is possible to get back 'perceived' loss - and it is just that. Nothing is irreparable. I don't know you or the pain you suffer; I accidentally stumbled across your youtube blogs and subsequently located this. You have something I never had - you have the support and direction of your family. I could never rely on my sibling to come and sit with me on the nights I tried to take my own life. But what I do have I am grateful for. I am grateful I am alive. I am grateful I am educated. I am grateful for the lovely home I have, for the heat I feel on the cold evenings, for the availability of food (whether you choose to eat or not). I am grateful for my little kitty cat. I am grateful I can huddle up on the sofa and watch a DVD, but most of all, I am grateful for my freedom. You have a lot to look forward to and you have the support. Accept the help while it is available to you. You can't change your scarred arms, no. But you can change your outlook. Have the confidence to do what you want - forget about everyone else. Nine times out of ten they are so wrapped up in their own concerns they won't notice anything (referring to your scars) - I wouldn't have noticed if it were not for all the pictures you posted!
'The world meets nobody halfway... if you want it, you have to take it'
Choose recovery!
A survivor
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ReplyDeleteTo the mad woman in 7b,
ReplyDeleteI apologise I deleted the second post as it was a duplicate. For some obscure reason I got an URL ERROR 404, blah message when I first posted so I assumed it hadn't accepted and resubmitted. To my horror I didn't notice how much I had waffled and thought you would be well and truly overwhelmed with two huge identical messages lol...
Steff, I don't really no how to contact you as there isn't an option to leave you a message on your account, so I hoping you may check this,thank you for your lovely message, but I don't understand how you no where I live?
ReplyDeleteI don't know where you live - you said somewhere in your blog that you lived in 7b and you declared yourself the 'mad woman' there, or something to that effect. I only know what you have shared on public websites such as Youtube and on here. I am a little intrigued and I am following your progress as I am sure you can improve, though it will be very very hard as your self harm is a learned response from what I can see - all is not lost though.
ReplyDeleteI am not a mental health professional, but I do have experience - I am just someone who has had her own journey and for some reason you captured my attention. I have met similar people to you when I have been an inpatient myself. I have met a variety of people to be honest and the biggest challenge is acceptance. Second to that is willingness. You have to be willing to try the therapy. To try the obscure advice you get - and if you don't agree, tell your care givers why you feel it isn't appropriate and they will work with you and explore alternatives. You have control of your care. You can't take it personally - though I can see that is very hard for you. I don't suffer with an eating disorder and I don't self harm, but I can understand your struggles. I am giving you this advice as I know it is possible to recover. One day I hope to work perhaps in mental health and help others who need it and deserve it. You can have the biggest meltdown ever and within a couple of months, once the crisis is resolved, you can move forward positively. To give an example, two years ago I was at the highest point of my career, working in the city of London as a Risk Specialist then it all came crashing down and before I knew it I was for the first time in my life in a psychiatric hospital and for the next 18 months I was in and out like clockwork... Not been there for over 6 months now and I am able to resume my career; now I have my confidence and ambition back I can do almost anything I want. Why is that not possible for you? It is possible. Anything is possible.
Well done for your decision. I would like to think I might have helped you take that crucial and brave step, but I don't think I can take credit for such a decision. You will want to leave when you get there, you will want to backtrack and resume your old habits, just don't do anything silly. No one will expect a drastic overnight change, but hopefully the changes will be subtle and consistent.
If you would like you can e-mail me Steff.Kennedy76@gmail.com. I am sincere and would like to do an altruistic act. There are good people out there.
Best wishes
Steff