fuck

I have binged badly this evening, I am so fucking angry with myself, I am such a weak person. Obviously I purged, but I am still so angry at myself. I should be stronger than that, it is a prime example as to how much of a failure I am.

I had that feeling of being so out of control, stuffing my face with food I don't even want, shoving it in like a pig, retching as I am eating where I am eating it so fast and barley chewing it. Once the food is all gone and I have to stop, then I realise what I have done, then I no what I need to do, off I go to the toilet with my bottle of water, lean over the toilet, tense my muscles and back it all comes, I keep going until no more can come out, until my muscles hurt so much that every time I tense them it makes my eyes water. But that doesn't satisfy me, I then drink a pint of water and repeat the process, once again the pain runs through my stomach, but I continue, until there is no more to come out.

I hate that I drive myself to do this, it is disgusting.