Bloody money

Why is money the answer to everything? My recovery depends on money, it shouldn't have to be about money, but it is. I had an appointment with my psychologist today, as usual it was a tear full one, but what's new. But the main thing that came out of the appointment is that the unit I really want to go to, the one that I truly believe is the one that give me the best chance of recovery, is extremely expensive as it is so specialized and because it is so expensive there is very little chance that my PCT will fund it. I guess they can't justify spending that much money on one person. I am not stupid, I new money was going to be an issue, but it just breaks my heart that there is something that could really make a massive impact in my life and it is looking slightly out of my reach. We are still going to try and get funding, but my psychologist told me not to get my hope up to much. Maybe I will be a lucky one and get finding, but luck is not normally something that comes my way. I have got my psychologist, psychiatrist and GP all fighting on my side, so maybe that might count for something.

I have had terrible tummy pains today, I think I pulled muscles after all the purging I did yesterday. I am determined no more fucking up and binging, I can't bare the thought of failing again.

My migraine has finally gone, last night it was so so painful, I ended up taking a cocktail of painkillers, including some that I found in the back of my cupboard from an operation I had a few years ago on my jaw. I don't recommend mixing and matching tablets like that, but I was in agony.