Ballet was ace, I loved it, you need to have a lot of control over your body to do ballet, that is something that appeals to me. I felt like a bit of a plank when I arrived as we were 35 mins early. My Dad is one of these people who likes to be 10 hours early for everything, so 35 mins early was better than normal. My Dad left me in the waiting area at the gym and he went into the city centre to wonder around shops. I was incredibly anxious and wasn't quite sure if I should ring my Dad and tell him I have changed my mind and could he come get me. Once the teacher arrived I didn't really have much of a choice, I was whisked up into the studio and before I new it I was stood in a line with all the other girls.
It is hard, as the whole wall is a huge mirror, you are meant to hold the bar and look at your body in the mirror to make sure you are standing correct etc. Me wearing tight clothes standing in front of a huge mirror is not really my idea of fun. I felt very self concious and kept wondering if everyone else was seeing what I could see in the mirror. But to be honest after a while I was trying so hard to keep up that I forgot about what I looked like.
I have signed up for the whole course, I am excited that I am going to be learning something new and it is something good for my body. So in a minute I am off to pilates, I love pilates and am glad I have started going back to that. I am also starting a zumba class on Monday evening. I am going to burn lots and lots of calories, yepee!
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Monday 28 March 2011
Calmed down a bit
So I have calmed down a lot since my appointment on Friday. I am still not happy with what happened in the appointment, but I also need to take some responsibility for what happened. My psychologist has done a lot for me, I have been seeing her for 3 years and we have gone through a lot together. I put her in awkward positions a lot and sometimes it isn't fair on her. Also I do not deserve all of her trust, I do lie about a lot to her, I hide things from her, so it isn't surprising that she finds it hard to trust me. One of the things she said in my appointment was how can she trust me when I have been refusing to have my weight checks and blood tests recently, also she brought up the fact she has given me lots of leeway when really I should have been in hospital over recent months. I think maybe I had just pushed her too far, I need to earn her trust again, so that is my aim for now.
I am excited to be going to my ballet class tomorrow, I don't normally have much to look forward to (my fault I know), but this is something I am definitely excited about. My Dad is going to take me, there is no way I could even think about going on my own. I live in a little town, the class is in Bath, which is a city 25 mins driving from my town, I can't drive any more (due to seizures), so I would have to catch the bus on my own, I just couldn't do it. I don't think my Dad is all that keen on taking me as it is a waste of his time, but he knows it is important for me, maybe eventually I will be able to go on my own on the bus, we will have to see. I have got my ballet shoes, they are cute, I am just going to wear a pair of black leggings and a black top tomorrow, I can't afford the required leotard and tights for a few weeks. I just hope it is going to be as much fun as I have built it up to be.
Sunday I had a small binge and purge session, yesterday I fasted and today I have eaten an apple and some sugar snapped peas, I may have a couple of rice crackers later, but it will be under 200 calories for today. I am going to be some what sensible tomorrow in the fact I have thought long and hard about what I am going to be eating as obviously I have ballet and then in the evening I pilates, so I am going to eat porridge before ballet. Porridge is obviously good as it releases energy slowly, so a nice bowl of porridge in my tummy should keep me going.
Today I took the dog out for a massive walk through the woods with my Dad, I hadn't eaten my apple and sugar snapped peas by that point and I have to confess I struggled a bit, my legs didn't really seem to want to move after a while, I had planned to fast again today, but when I got back from the dog walk at about half two I realised I needed something.
Bob has been leaving me presents on my bed the last two nights again, I have no idea what has set him back again, but waking up to a poo on your duvet is not good fun, lets hope he sorts himself out rapidly, otherwise I may have to start shutting him out of my bedroom at night, which would break my heart.
I thought I would share some pictures of the rat activity in my flat, I have had rats the whole time I have lived her, which is over 5 years, my landlord doesn't care and I have to fight to get the holes covered, the problem is my landlord will only put wood over the holes they have chewed in my floor boards and obviously the rats just chew back through it. Bob has caught some of the rats, but he lets them go, which actually I would prefer as I don't want him to get bit by one.
I am excited to be going to my ballet class tomorrow, I don't normally have much to look forward to (my fault I know), but this is something I am definitely excited about. My Dad is going to take me, there is no way I could even think about going on my own. I live in a little town, the class is in Bath, which is a city 25 mins driving from my town, I can't drive any more (due to seizures), so I would have to catch the bus on my own, I just couldn't do it. I don't think my Dad is all that keen on taking me as it is a waste of his time, but he knows it is important for me, maybe eventually I will be able to go on my own on the bus, we will have to see. I have got my ballet shoes, they are cute, I am just going to wear a pair of black leggings and a black top tomorrow, I can't afford the required leotard and tights for a few weeks. I just hope it is going to be as much fun as I have built it up to be.
Sunday I had a small binge and purge session, yesterday I fasted and today I have eaten an apple and some sugar snapped peas, I may have a couple of rice crackers later, but it will be under 200 calories for today. I am going to be some what sensible tomorrow in the fact I have thought long and hard about what I am going to be eating as obviously I have ballet and then in the evening I pilates, so I am going to eat porridge before ballet. Porridge is obviously good as it releases energy slowly, so a nice bowl of porridge in my tummy should keep me going.
Today I took the dog out for a massive walk through the woods with my Dad, I hadn't eaten my apple and sugar snapped peas by that point and I have to confess I struggled a bit, my legs didn't really seem to want to move after a while, I had planned to fast again today, but when I got back from the dog walk at about half two I realised I needed something.
Bob has been leaving me presents on my bed the last two nights again, I have no idea what has set him back again, but waking up to a poo on your duvet is not good fun, lets hope he sorts himself out rapidly, otherwise I may have to start shutting him out of my bedroom at night, which would break my heart.
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| This is my kitchen floor boards,on the left you can see the bit of wood they covered the last hole with the rats just chewed next to it. |
I thought I would share some pictures of the rat activity in my flat, I have had rats the whole time I have lived her, which is over 5 years, my landlord doesn't care and I have to fight to get the holes covered, the problem is my landlord will only put wood over the holes they have chewed in my floor boards and obviously the rats just chew back through it. Bob has caught some of the rats, but he lets them go, which actually I would prefer as I don't want him to get bit by one.
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| This is Bob and Betty's water bowl mat, the rats decided to eat it plus the carpet. |
Saturday 26 March 2011
Apparently I am a liar
I had my appointment with my psychologist this morning, I was nervous as it had been 3 weeks since I last saw her as she was on holiday and then last week I cancelled. I tend to find when my weekly routine is disturbed I get anxious, so it becomes a big deal, I get all worked up and panicked about going. I made it this morning, it was nice to see her, until she accused me of lying. She has asked me many times over the last few months if I am still taking my meds, which I am, she normally leaves it at that. But this morning she said that she has been thinking over the last few weeks whilst being away that she doesn't think it is possible that I am still taking them. Her reason being that when I started taking one of them, which was my quetiapine, I gained a lot of weight and my eating was very out of control. So her theory is that if I was still taking it like I say I am then she doesn't see how I could have lost weight again. I assured her that I have been taking all of my meds, she blatantly didn't believe me, so I again said that I have been taking them all and that I promise I would tell her if I hadn't, she then asked if I had been taking it as prescribed. For fucks sake, what else does she want me to say. I HAVE BEEN TAKING IT. So I went into great detail about how last weekend I forgot to pick it up from the chemist and had to go the weekend without and how I had really bad withdrawals, in the hope that would make her believe me. I hope she does believe me, as I am not lying. She did then ask if when I had a major psycho moment around Christmas if I had stopped taking it then. I did confess to that one, as that was true, I stopped taking it for about three or four days, but to be honest I couldn't cope with the withdrawals and so started taking it again.
But what gets me the most is so what, what if I don't want to take it? I hate taking meds, I hate the fact that I 'need' them, why does my life need to revolve around taking these bloody pills to make me 'normal'. I hate that I had to convince her of the fact I am still taking it, why should I? Why does someone have the right to question me as to whether I am taking it or not?
Many times I have wanted to stop taking it and yes when I stopped taking my meds around Christmas time it was because I thought it might help me lose a little bit of extra weight, but also I just don't want to spend the rest of my life munching on pills. I find it embarrassing when I come out of the chemist each month with my goody bag full of pills, I am 26 years old, I take so many bloody pills, will I have to take them for life? If so then are these pills making me lead a 'normal' life or a socially acceptable life, a brain washed pill induced life?
Then she started droning on about weight. I have gained 11 fucking pounds, what more does she want. She says that you can't see that 11 pounds on me, but you can, it is there you CAN see it and the scales don't lie. So just because she can't see it that means it is not enough, as if those 11 pounds don't count as she can't see them on my body. But it is still 11 pounds, AHHHHHH I just want to scream and shout, I want to have a tantrum on the floor and pull my hair from my head.
So as you can probably tell I am in a bad mood.
But what gets me the most is so what, what if I don't want to take it? I hate taking meds, I hate the fact that I 'need' them, why does my life need to revolve around taking these bloody pills to make me 'normal'. I hate that I had to convince her of the fact I am still taking it, why should I? Why does someone have the right to question me as to whether I am taking it or not?
Many times I have wanted to stop taking it and yes when I stopped taking my meds around Christmas time it was because I thought it might help me lose a little bit of extra weight, but also I just don't want to spend the rest of my life munching on pills. I find it embarrassing when I come out of the chemist each month with my goody bag full of pills, I am 26 years old, I take so many bloody pills, will I have to take them for life? If so then are these pills making me lead a 'normal' life or a socially acceptable life, a brain washed pill induced life?
Then she started droning on about weight. I have gained 11 fucking pounds, what more does she want. She says that you can't see that 11 pounds on me, but you can, it is there you CAN see it and the scales don't lie. So just because she can't see it that means it is not enough, as if those 11 pounds don't count as she can't see them on my body. But it is still 11 pounds, AHHHHHH I just want to scream and shout, I want to have a tantrum on the floor and pull my hair from my head.
So as you can probably tell I am in a bad mood.
Thursday 24 March 2011
I must be better
I must be better, my lanugo is falling out. For any one that doesn't no what lanugo is it is hair that grows on your body when you are under weight. Mine mainly grows on my stomach, I have had the most recent lot of it for months, but earlier I noticed it is definitely falling out. Although I am happy it is falling out as it isn't really that attractive, it is still upsetting, why you ask, because it means I am failing. I have gained to much weight, my BMI the last few weeks has been fluctuating between 16.2 and 16.6, obviously my body thinks this is fine and I don't need my lanugo.
Any ways, tomorrow is Friday binge day, it is the day of the week I chose to binge, after that it will be back to business. next week I want to complete 3 fast days and the other days under 200 calories.
By the way, my rats are back in my flat, I hate living in a flat with a rat infestation, I it feels so selfish to complain considering what else is going on in the world. I have a roof over my head, I need to be grateful.
Any ways, tomorrow is Friday binge day, it is the day of the week I chose to binge, after that it will be back to business. next week I want to complete 3 fast days and the other days under 200 calories.
By the way, my rats are back in my flat, I hate living in a flat with a rat infestation, I it feels so selfish to complain considering what else is going on in the world. I have a roof over my head, I need to be grateful.
I am going to be busy
I have decided that now is the time to fill my days with things, I have spent the last few years doing bugger all, mainly due to the fact I have spent most of the last few years in deep depression. I am going to change this, I am going to get busy.
Pilates once a week, ballet once a week, Mind drop in support group once a week. Busy busy busy. I used to attend the mind drop in group, I used to go four times a week, it was my life line when I first got ill and lost my job. They really did keep me alive, I even took a huge overdose one day and walked across town to the group and turned up barley able to stand. They got me an ambulance and looked after me until they arrived and even a person from the group came in the ambulance with me. They were great, but there came a time where I just didn't fit in any more, I almost out grew the group, as I was getting stronger and 'better' the group started to hold me back. But then I crashed, everything went to shit again, I think it is time to go back. Unfortunately they lost a lot of their funding, so it has gone from being open four days a week to just two half days, it is a shame as there are people that attend that have nothing else, the people at Mind are their family. I hate to think what has happened to these people, I guess I will find out when I rejoin.
Any ideas of what else I could be doing?
Pilates once a week, ballet once a week, Mind drop in support group once a week. Busy busy busy. I used to attend the mind drop in group, I used to go four times a week, it was my life line when I first got ill and lost my job. They really did keep me alive, I even took a huge overdose one day and walked across town to the group and turned up barley able to stand. They got me an ambulance and looked after me until they arrived and even a person from the group came in the ambulance with me. They were great, but there came a time where I just didn't fit in any more, I almost out grew the group, as I was getting stronger and 'better' the group started to hold me back. But then I crashed, everything went to shit again, I think it is time to go back. Unfortunately they lost a lot of their funding, so it has gone from being open four days a week to just two half days, it is a shame as there are people that attend that have nothing else, the people at Mind are their family. I hate to think what has happened to these people, I guess I will find out when I rejoin.
Any ideas of what else I could be doing?
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Hmmm
It got to 7:30pm and I caved and ate a apple and a toasted muffin. I think I may as well give up trying to fast for any significant amount of time as I always fuck it up. What I don't understand is that this all used to be so easy, I never used to think 'I am going to fast for x amount of days' it would just happen. Maybe I should just go back to my 200 calories a day, I am better at that. As it is going at the moment I don't care as long as I don't binge.
I have ordered my ballet shoes today, my Dad has kindly paid for them and I have to give him the money back when I get some money, which should be Tuesday. I hate having to borrow more money off my Dad, but I need the shoes to be able to start the class. I will definitely pay him back and my Dad knows that.
I have ordered my ballet shoes today, my Dad has kindly paid for them and I have to give him the money back when I get some money, which should be Tuesday. I hate having to borrow more money off my Dad, but I need the shoes to be able to start the class. I will definitely pay him back and my Dad knows that.
Tuesday 22 March 2011
Ballet
Also I wanted to tell you guys that I have signed up to start adult beginners ballet classes. Ballet was always something I had wanted to do as a child, but I came from a very large and very skint family who couldn't afford luxuries like ballet and horse riding, both of which I had always wanted to do. So I discovered a adult beginners ballet class, I spoke to the teacher and asked if I would look like a plank, she laughed and said no I wouldn't look like a plank, so I am going for a trial session on Tuesday afternoon.
It is like living a childhood dream, I feel excited and nervous, but really keen. So that will be my pilates class that I rejoined 3 weeks ago and hopefully ballet class once a week. My main hope is that if I spend my money on things like this, healthy fun things, then I wont have the option to spend the money on binging. I had pilates this evening and I have to pay double next week as I didn't have any money left to pay todays session. So that means next week I have to pay out two lots of £8 for pilates and £8 for ballet. That happens to be the day I get my money, so that means that money will be gone and that is £24 I wont have sat in my purse waiting for me to crack and buy binge food.
I actually prefer it when I have an empty purse, I hate the responsibly of having money, I am pleased I am going to be spending money on something good.
Before long I will be dancing around in a pink too-too!
It is like living a childhood dream, I feel excited and nervous, but really keen. So that will be my pilates class that I rejoined 3 weeks ago and hopefully ballet class once a week. My main hope is that if I spend my money on things like this, healthy fun things, then I wont have the option to spend the money on binging. I had pilates this evening and I have to pay double next week as I didn't have any money left to pay todays session. So that means next week I have to pay out two lots of £8 for pilates and £8 for ballet. That happens to be the day I get my money, so that means that money will be gone and that is £24 I wont have sat in my purse waiting for me to crack and buy binge food.
I actually prefer it when I have an empty purse, I hate the responsibly of having money, I am pleased I am going to be spending money on something good.
Before long I will be dancing around in a pink too-too!
I failed
So I failed my water fast today, I binged like f**k, I am sure every one was expecting it, I think I was even expecting it.
This means I am going to start again tomorrow from the beginning and I will do better. As I was binging I was crying, mainly as I new how disappointed I was going to be with myself, but I didn't attempt to stop it, I just let it carry on.
I have my pilates class in a min, I am scared I may be sick during the class as I have hardly purged. Purging is too easy for me, I wanted to punish myself by keeping it all inside me. Binging and not purging will hopefully make me so uncomfortable and upset, which will hopefully make me less likely to do it again any time soon.
I am really struggling financially and spent my last £12 on binging, I do not have any money coming in until Tuesday. Have no idea what I am going to do, I have already sold all of my DVDs and CDs, I have nothing else to sell.
I haven't even got the money for pilates tonight and am hoping the instructor will allow me to pay double next week instead.
Once again I am a joke.
This means I am going to start again tomorrow from the beginning and I will do better. As I was binging I was crying, mainly as I new how disappointed I was going to be with myself, but I didn't attempt to stop it, I just let it carry on.
I have my pilates class in a min, I am scared I may be sick during the class as I have hardly purged. Purging is too easy for me, I wanted to punish myself by keeping it all inside me. Binging and not purging will hopefully make me so uncomfortable and upset, which will hopefully make me less likely to do it again any time soon.
I am really struggling financially and spent my last £12 on binging, I do not have any money coming in until Tuesday. Have no idea what I am going to do, I have already sold all of my DVDs and CDs, I have nothing else to sell.
I haven't even got the money for pilates tonight and am hoping the instructor will allow me to pay double next week instead.
Once again I am a joke.
Monday 21 March 2011
Sorry for making people worry
I have had a long hard think and have decided it was really unfair of me to be posting so much about something that I would worry if any of my friends were doing. The last thing I want is to seem like I am encouraging anyone to do what I do, it would break my heart to read a friend post what I have been posting. I am sorry if I made anyone worry. So I wont post about my fast in any detail.
I thought I would share my gory operation photos with you, they are from an operation I had on my jaw about a year and a half ago as I have degenerative bone disease. Unfortunately it looks like I will be going under the knife once more as my joint is once again deteriorating.
Enjoy the pics, I love them!
I thought I would share my gory operation photos with you, they are from an operation I had on my jaw about a year and a half ago as I have degenerative bone disease. Unfortunately it looks like I will be going under the knife once more as my joint is once again deteriorating.
Enjoy the pics, I love them!
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| Loving the hair in this one :) |
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| This was just after the dressings were taken off my face is really swollen and I had a black eye |
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| It was these stitches in my ear that hurt the most |
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| I was very lucky to be left with hardly any scaring on my face |
Saturday 19 March 2011
Day two complete
Day two is complete, yepee :)
weight~ 6 stone 9 pounds
Intake~ 2 1/2 litres of water and 3 green teas
I had a terrible nightmare last night, not just a bad dream, but a proper nightmare, I think I woke myself up screaming, well that was what it felt like any ways. I can't even really remember what is was about, parts of it was me standing at my bedroom window trying to shout out, but I couldn't, there was something in my flat with me that was scaring me, but I can't remember what is was. All I no was I woke up bolt upright and very panicky, it took me a while to calm down and I still felt anxious when I woke up properly in the morning.
My jaw is extremely painful today, if you don't know I have a problem with my TMJ joint, it required surgery a year and a half ago, but requires surgery again, so is very painful. If you ask me very nicely I will post the pictures taken during my original operation, but they aren't for the faint hearted! They took medical photos as I am a rare case, nice to be different I suppose.
I spent some time with my sister this afternoon, which was really nice, we don't see each other as much as I would like and she has just spilt up with her partner, so we did a bit of window shopping, it had to be window shopping as both of us are skint, but it is always nice to dream about the clothes you wish you could afford to buy!
I wish I could chew chewing gum, as that always helps whilst fasting, but I can't due to my jaw problem, it is annoying as I need something to do with my jaw (other than talking). I may treat myself to a packet tomorrow and just suffer the consequences with my jaw, it hurts any ways, so a bit more pain wont do much.
weight~ 6 stone 9 pounds
Intake~ 2 1/2 litres of water and 3 green teas
I had a terrible nightmare last night, not just a bad dream, but a proper nightmare, I think I woke myself up screaming, well that was what it felt like any ways. I can't even really remember what is was about, parts of it was me standing at my bedroom window trying to shout out, but I couldn't, there was something in my flat with me that was scaring me, but I can't remember what is was. All I no was I woke up bolt upright and very panicky, it took me a while to calm down and I still felt anxious when I woke up properly in the morning.
My jaw is extremely painful today, if you don't know I have a problem with my TMJ joint, it required surgery a year and a half ago, but requires surgery again, so is very painful. If you ask me very nicely I will post the pictures taken during my original operation, but they aren't for the faint hearted! They took medical photos as I am a rare case, nice to be different I suppose.
I spent some time with my sister this afternoon, which was really nice, we don't see each other as much as I would like and she has just spilt up with her partner, so we did a bit of window shopping, it had to be window shopping as both of us are skint, but it is always nice to dream about the clothes you wish you could afford to buy!
I wish I could chew chewing gum, as that always helps whilst fasting, but I can't due to my jaw problem, it is annoying as I need something to do with my jaw (other than talking). I may treat myself to a packet tomorrow and just suffer the consequences with my jaw, it hurts any ways, so a bit more pain wont do much.
Day one complete
So yesterday was day one of my water and green tea fast, I was even more determined after stepping on the scales first thing in the morning to see I had regained the two pounds I had lost last week, that binge on Thurs really had cost me dearly.
So lets get down to business
Day 1
Starting weight~ 6 stone 11 pounds :,(
consumed~ 2 litres of water and 4 green teas
I will update at bedtime as to how today goes.
So lets get down to business
Day 1
Starting weight~ 6 stone 11 pounds :,(
consumed~ 2 litres of water and 4 green teas
I will update at bedtime as to how today goes.
Thursday 17 March 2011
Going on a water fast
Tomorrow morning I am starting a week long water and green tea fast, why? because today I have binged like you wouldn't believe and I can't bare it, I cannot get caught up in this again, so the only thing I can do is do something drastic to make sure I do not fall into another major binge cycle.
I feel like shit this evening, mainly because of the fact I ran out of one of my medications yesterday and then forgot to pick it up today, so I am withdrawing from it already. I am getting brain zaps, have the shakes, feel very edgy, keep feeling faint and basically like shit. All my fault, I should no better than letting any of my medications run out. Believe me I will be straight down the chemist first thing tomorrow to pick it up and will not forget again.
I had a rather embarrassing problem the other week and it has happened again this evening. The other week I had a lot of bleeding from my bottom, it wasn't just a tiny bit, it was a lot, probably to much information, but it was literally dripping into the toilet. In a panic I phoned NHS direct, who told me it was probably an internal hemeroid (great) and that I should go to the doctors the next day, well I chickened out, for a number of reasons, the main one being I haven't been going for my weight checks and blood tests and so far no one has noticed and so didn't want to 'draw attention' to that fact! Any ways all has been fine down there since, that is until tonight, it suddenly happened again. It is actually quite a frightening thing to happen, I am hoping that I will be able to forget about it again, as I DO NOT want to got to the doctors.
I NEED MY MEDICATION
I feel like shit this evening, mainly because of the fact I ran out of one of my medications yesterday and then forgot to pick it up today, so I am withdrawing from it already. I am getting brain zaps, have the shakes, feel very edgy, keep feeling faint and basically like shit. All my fault, I should no better than letting any of my medications run out. Believe me I will be straight down the chemist first thing tomorrow to pick it up and will not forget again.
I had a rather embarrassing problem the other week and it has happened again this evening. The other week I had a lot of bleeding from my bottom, it wasn't just a tiny bit, it was a lot, probably to much information, but it was literally dripping into the toilet. In a panic I phoned NHS direct, who told me it was probably an internal hemeroid (great) and that I should go to the doctors the next day, well I chickened out, for a number of reasons, the main one being I haven't been going for my weight checks and blood tests and so far no one has noticed and so didn't want to 'draw attention' to that fact! Any ways all has been fine down there since, that is until tonight, it suddenly happened again. It is actually quite a frightening thing to happen, I am hoping that I will be able to forget about it again, as I DO NOT want to got to the doctors.
I NEED MY MEDICATION
check out this ace video
check out this ace video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ED25ISuCTiE&feature=feedu
Wednesday 16 March 2011
scales need to go down
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| Me and my friends baby a couple of weeks ago :) |
I am suffering from extreme night sweats, I have to take a spare pair of PJs to bed with me, it is gross. I have no idea why my sweats have suddenly got so much worse, I have had them as a side effect of one of my medications for ages, but suddenly they have got a million times worse. It is keeping my washing machine very busy.
I have been back to my pilates class twice, I stopped going when I went into my last major bout of depression. I love being back, the instructor said I am looking well. When I was last there I had a bmi in the twenties, so she obviously thought I needed to lose weight seeing as she thinks I look better at my current bmi, so that one in the eye of everyone who says I lost to much weight.
Any ways, I am off to visit my friend and her baby tomorrow, she is co cute, it makes me broody, but cuddling other peoples babies is going to have to be as real as it ever gets for me.
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Control
Everything is under control, I feel calm, I feel safe, it is great.
2 pounds down, 9 to go. Need to shift the 11 pounds I gained whilst I was out of control and all over the place.
I love being in control.
2 pounds down, 9 to go. Need to shift the 11 pounds I gained whilst I was out of control and all over the place.
I love being in control.
Friday 11 March 2011
sorry for my absence again!
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| Hi my name is Ben! |
Bob and Betty are good, so is Ben. Ben likes to follow Bob and Betty around in his exercise ball, I think he thinks he is one of the lads and can't understand why he can't just hang out with them!
Again I would like to say thank you to all of my online buddies, you are all the best and I wish I could spend the day with all of you!!!
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| My brother playing with Ben |
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| Bob and Betty keeping an eye on Ben |
Wednesday 2 March 2011
What a fucking joke
Tittle says it all, I am a fucking joke. I lost Ben, my new hamster earlier, I was holding him and lost concentration and he slipped from my hand. He was gone and I couldn't find him any where, believe me I searched and so did Bob and Betty. I got my self in such a state, who in the world is stupid enough to lose their hamster??? So what did I do after crying my eyes out for over an hour, I went to the shop and spent £20 of the money my Dad had hours before given to me to help me pay my rent. I spent £20 of my Dads money on binge food, I came home and stuffed my face like the fat greedy pig that I am.
I binged because I lost my hamster, pathetic.
Ben is safe now, Betty found him for me, she wanted to play with him, but I thought it was best he went safely back in his cage.
I went to my appointment with my psychologist in the end. I ended up crying, surprise surprise! I am going to keep going, I think I was just being silly when I said I wanted to be discharged, I guess if I was a child you would say I was acting out or having a tantrum. Any ways, my psychologist is some one I need and I know that.
I would like to say a big shout out to the lovely ladies Amy and Danielle, you two are the best!!!
I binged because I lost my hamster, pathetic.
Ben is safe now, Betty found him for me, she wanted to play with him, but I thought it was best he went safely back in his cage.
I went to my appointment with my psychologist in the end. I ended up crying, surprise surprise! I am going to keep going, I think I was just being silly when I said I wanted to be discharged, I guess if I was a child you would say I was acting out or having a tantrum. Any ways, my psychologist is some one I need and I know that.
I would like to say a big shout out to the lovely ladies Amy and Danielle, you two are the best!!!
Tuesday 1 March 2011
I have missed the that feeling
I missed that familiar feeling of hunger, during my recent binge cycle I never got that lovely feeling of going to bed hungry, I missed it so much. It isn't the feeling of hunger itself, it is the feeling of success that I love. When I am not hungry I know I am failing, when I am hungry I know I am succeeding.
I don't really know what is happening with regards to my mental health treatment. Last week I emailed my psychologist saying I wanted to be discharged from the CMHT, she asked me to still attend my appointment the following day so that we could discuss this. I did attend the appointment and told her I still wanted to be discharged. I left the appointment promising I would think about the reasons why I wanted to be discharged and that I would write them to my psychologist so that I could be honest. I did this and wrote her a letter and dropped it in to the receptionist to be passed on to my psychologist. I was very honest and to the point in the letter and it felt nice to get everything out. I later received a email from my psychologist saying she was sorry I was feeling so low and out of control and could I attend a appointment with her on the 2nd at 2pm, I initially sent an email back saying there was nothing to discuss. I regret that now, as obviously there are things to discuss. Was I just having a childish strop? I do not know, but I never had a reply to the last email I sent, this could be because she didn't get the email as often she doesn't get my emails due to their email system not liking external emails, or did she just not want to reply, or did she just assume I would change my mind? I dunno, all I know is that part of me wants to go to the appointment tomorrow and part of me just want to be left alone.
Any ways Bob did another poo on me in the night, thanks Bob!
I don't really know what is happening with regards to my mental health treatment. Last week I emailed my psychologist saying I wanted to be discharged from the CMHT, she asked me to still attend my appointment the following day so that we could discuss this. I did attend the appointment and told her I still wanted to be discharged. I left the appointment promising I would think about the reasons why I wanted to be discharged and that I would write them to my psychologist so that I could be honest. I did this and wrote her a letter and dropped it in to the receptionist to be passed on to my psychologist. I was very honest and to the point in the letter and it felt nice to get everything out. I later received a email from my psychologist saying she was sorry I was feeling so low and out of control and could I attend a appointment with her on the 2nd at 2pm, I initially sent an email back saying there was nothing to discuss. I regret that now, as obviously there are things to discuss. Was I just having a childish strop? I do not know, but I never had a reply to the last email I sent, this could be because she didn't get the email as often she doesn't get my emails due to their email system not liking external emails, or did she just not want to reply, or did she just assume I would change my mind? I dunno, all I know is that part of me wants to go to the appointment tomorrow and part of me just want to be left alone.
Any ways Bob did another poo on me in the night, thanks Bob!
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